Point/Counter-Point
Point: I Love This Game!
By Fred Hicks, video game player
Hey, have I shown you this new game I got? It's called "Max Payne", and it totally rocks. This is the main character here. Basically you run around and shoot things, like a lot of other games, but this game has a few Matrix-inspired twists. Watch me take out this room full of bad guys....
See, Max has this sort of "heightened awareness" so time slows down for him when he's in the thick of the action. He can still aim normally, so he's super accurate, and he can also see the bullets wizzing by his head. Here's his coolest move: you can dive sideways while shooting. It really helps you avoid the bad guys' gun fire. Isn't that awesome?
Oh, shoot, I didn't see that guy behind me. Yeah, it shows Max in slow motion whenever he's killed. But that's no problem I can just reload my last saved game. I really don't mind dying a lot. It just gives me a chance to play these awesome fights over.
What weapons do I get? Oh, the usual bunch, pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, grenades. Oh, and this baseball bat. I got it from some gangster who was beating Max with it. That's why it's red. It's stained from Max's blood. You also have the lead pipe, which is basically like the crowbar from Half-Life. You can use it to break boxes, which sometimes have goodies in them. Oh shoot, I totally did not see him coming.
Oh, this is a cutscene. They're presented in this sort of "graphic novel" style. Yeah, this games got a lot of plot, so these breaks are pretty frequent. Sometimes I skip 'em so I can get back in the action faster.
Oh, yeah, back to the weapons. One cool thing is you can equip two pistols at the same time, sort of like the Matrix. Watch me gun down this guy with the Ingrams. Man those guns fire fast. That was almost 100 bullets right there. Yeah, I did get a little hurt in that fight. No problem, that's why we've got painkillers. It's like the health kits in other games, but you can take them with you and use them whenever you want. Pretty convenient, actually.
Oh, shoot! Did you see that helicopter? That's awesome! Aw, I'm trapped in this elevator. I wonder if I can shoot it down? Doesn't look like it. Oh, there's another elevator down there I can jump to. Oh, crap I totally blew that jump. No problem, it'll give me another chance to take down the helicopter. Lemme try my Grenade Launcher this time. Oh man! I didn't see that the window was still standing. Yeah, you don't want to set off a grenade too close to you, but that does give you chance to admire the game's awesome explosions. Anyways, I could chat about this game for hours, but I wanna get back to playing. Talking distracts me.
Counter-Point: I Hate This Game.
By Max Payne, video game character
My name is Max Payne. I had a beautiful wife, a wonderful baby girl, and a house in Jersey. It all went downhill from there. Not like I didn't see it coming, though. My name, after all, is "Max Payne", and in a video game, that's never a good thing. Junkies tripped up on a designer drug called "Valkyr" broke into my house and killed my wife and daughter. But things didn't get really bad until my every move was put into the hands of this clown at the other end of the controller.
When you're staring down the barrel of a gun, time slows down. Not like this fan-boy would be helped out by that fact. Time probably slows down for him whenever he eats another bacon cheeseburger. Probably his heart about to explode. Oh, yeah, sure genius, just make me dive sideways right into the concrete wall. Have you ever jumped head first into a wall. Well, I'll tell you: it hurts. Even in slow motion.
Hey, look out fatso, there's a guy about to- *groan*. Yes, death hurts even in slow motion, too. What? Not here again? Didn't you quicksave since here you fat oaf? Man, now I've gotta kill these same guys all over again. What is this, the fifth time I've plugged him? Maybe he'll stay dead this time. And maybe pigs will learn to fly.
Lemme introduce you to a dear friend of mine who's very close to my heart. Just a little up and to the left, actually. This is my 9mm beretta- hey! What's with the baseball bat. *Groan* my head hurts everytime I have to look at it. I can still feel the welts from when Frankie "The Bat" Niagra renacted his favorite scenes from "Captain Baseballbat-boy" on my cranium. Oh, yeah, the lead pipe. That's a useful weapon. It'll be great for taking out this guy who's coming at me with a sawed-off shotgun. On second thought, how about a little Desert Eagle action? Hello? Crap.
Ah, the cutscenes. My only escape from this freak's supreme lack of talent. Figures he'd cut it short.
Finally, the Ingrams. When you absolutely have to kill every last mobster in the room. Accept no substitute. Yeah feel free to start firing. Any day now. He's not going to kill himself. Oh, why fire now? You're on a roll. Just a half-second more and you'd be loading the saved game again. Oh, yeah great. Painkillers. I hear other video game stars actually get health kits that actually heal their wounds. Not me. I just get doped up to the point where I can't feel the bullets lodged in my spleen anymore. Maybe if I take enough of them, I'll get an addiction, too. Gordon Freeman doesn't know how lucky he is.
Hey, buddy look out. That vulcan isn't go to make me any prettier. There's an elevator down- Oh, yeah, shoot at it with a Beretta. That'll work. Maybe if you tried jumping- no, dammit, not that far. Yeah, I've always loved bungee jumping down elevator shafts without a cord. *Groan*.
Not the helicopter again. Hey, buddy, look out for the bullet-proof glass wall. No, not the grenade-. *Groan*. "Awesome explosions?" I wouldn't call being caught in a 1200 degree flame "awesome".
Oh, yeah, like you were so much better when you weren't distracted. Why can't you just do me a favor and go back to playing Super Mario Sunshine?
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Tolkien Totally Spoiled the Lord of the Rings Movies
By Carrie, Office Secretary
You know what I hate more than anything else? When someone spoils a great movie by telling me how it comes out. Like when "The Sixth Sense" came out a few years ago, I called one of my friends to ask if he'd like to see it with me and said "isn't that the one where Bruce Willis finds out he's been dead through the whole movie?" Needless to say, I was soooo mad at him and haven't talked to him since. So ever since then, I've been careful to avoid "spoilers" for movies. But the one movie I've found it almost impossible to keep from being ruined is The Lord of the Rings.
Now, it was bad enough when they released the novelization of Attack of the Clones almost 3 months before the movie. After that came out, you could hardly even get on the 'net without having some plot point spoiled. But with The Lord of the Rings, they've gone too far. Releasing the novel 50 years before the movie has made it just about impossible to avoid hearing all the important plot points. I mean, 3 months was bad enough, but 50 years? My grandmother has even read the books. And I can't tell off grandma when she says "everytime I see a spider, I remember Shelob, who almost killed Frodo. It must have given Sam such a scare when he thought Frodo was dead." Way to ruin the moment, Grandma.
Peter Jackson really dropped the ball on this one. Lucas at least tries to keep secrets secret. But it was like Jackson wasn't even trying. What was he thinking, giving the novelization rights out to this Tolkien fellow? Was he trying to ruin the movie? And don't get me started on that Two Towers trailer that showed Gandalf. It's as if he even thought that everyone already knew what happened.
When I talk about this to my friends, they never understand. They all just say "well, why don't you just read the books? That way you won't have to wait until the movie." To which I say, no thanks. I don't want to ruin my movie-going experience by reading a novelization first.
By Carrie, Office Secretary
You know what I hate more than anything else? When someone spoils a great movie by telling me how it comes out. Like when "The Sixth Sense" came out a few years ago, I called one of my friends to ask if he'd like to see it with me and said "isn't that the one where Bruce Willis finds out he's been dead through the whole movie?" Needless to say, I was soooo mad at him and haven't talked to him since. So ever since then, I've been careful to avoid "spoilers" for movies. But the one movie I've found it almost impossible to keep from being ruined is The Lord of the Rings.
Now, it was bad enough when they released the novelization of Attack of the Clones almost 3 months before the movie. After that came out, you could hardly even get on the 'net without having some plot point spoiled. But with The Lord of the Rings, they've gone too far. Releasing the novel 50 years before the movie has made it just about impossible to avoid hearing all the important plot points. I mean, 3 months was bad enough, but 50 years? My grandmother has even read the books. And I can't tell off grandma when she says "everytime I see a spider, I remember Shelob, who almost killed Frodo. It must have given Sam such a scare when he thought Frodo was dead." Way to ruin the moment, Grandma.
Peter Jackson really dropped the ball on this one. Lucas at least tries to keep secrets secret. But it was like Jackson wasn't even trying. What was he thinking, giving the novelization rights out to this Tolkien fellow? Was he trying to ruin the movie? And don't get me started on that Two Towers trailer that showed Gandalf. It's as if he even thought that everyone already knew what happened.
When I talk about this to my friends, they never understand. They all just say "well, why don't you just read the books? That way you won't have to wait until the movie." To which I say, no thanks. I don't want to ruin my movie-going experience by reading a novelization first.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
OSHA Office Model of Unsafe Workplace
WASHINGTON, D.C.
A local Occupational Safety and Health Administration office was labeled "Gross Violator" of OSHA standards for workplace safety, Tuesday.
Among the violations included 250 lb. boxes of safety manuals on the top shelf of an otherwise empty aluminum-frame bookcase, 7 surge supressors daisy-chained together, each one full of high-voltage equipment, and a leaky pipe that dripped water into the server room.
When questioned about the violations, Facilities Manager Roger Cassady responded, "Well, when we first got that shipment of manuals, Gary [Urling], my assistant, was out on vacation, so I had to store them myself. I threw my back out lifting those boxes to the top of the shelf, so when it came time to take them down and ship them out, I couldn't get them down."
The Facilities Manager isn't the only one being blamed for the reprimand. Many of the hazard sightings were of employees not obeying posted safety rules. In one incident, an employee was using a screw driver to try and pry jammed paper strips out of the paper shredder. Eventually the screw driver became stuck itself, at which point he began using his hand. When he realized the shredder wasn't operating because the power strip it was plugged into had been turned off, he turned the shredder to reverse and turned the power on, with the screwdriver stuck inside.
In another incident, an employee was trying to fix a shorted light fixture in the ceiling of the server room. The room has been dubbed "the vault" by employees due to its abnormally high ceiling. The employee was standing on the second-to-top rung of a paint ladder, which had been set up in the puddle formed from the leaky pipe, and was using a power drill, with the cord of the drill hanging down in the puddle.
The OSHA office has the opportunity to try and fix the safety hazards within the next 6 weeks, or face fines of up to $50,000. When asked to comment on the inspection findings, Peter McCalab, office supervisor said, "this is all a bunch of nonsense. This office is as safe as any. If you inspected any average American workplace, you would find that they do the same, if not more dangerous, things every day."
When contacted for a follow up, F.U. News learned that McCalab was in the hospital, being treated for injuries he had sustained when he fell from his executive chair, upon which he was standing while trying to fix a jam in the ceiling fan in his office.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
A local Occupational Safety and Health Administration office was labeled "Gross Violator" of OSHA standards for workplace safety, Tuesday.
Among the violations included 250 lb. boxes of safety manuals on the top shelf of an otherwise empty aluminum-frame bookcase, 7 surge supressors daisy-chained together, each one full of high-voltage equipment, and a leaky pipe that dripped water into the server room.
When questioned about the violations, Facilities Manager Roger Cassady responded, "Well, when we first got that shipment of manuals, Gary [Urling], my assistant, was out on vacation, so I had to store them myself. I threw my back out lifting those boxes to the top of the shelf, so when it came time to take them down and ship them out, I couldn't get them down."
The Facilities Manager isn't the only one being blamed for the reprimand. Many of the hazard sightings were of employees not obeying posted safety rules. In one incident, an employee was using a screw driver to try and pry jammed paper strips out of the paper shredder. Eventually the screw driver became stuck itself, at which point he began using his hand. When he realized the shredder wasn't operating because the power strip it was plugged into had been turned off, he turned the shredder to reverse and turned the power on, with the screwdriver stuck inside.
In another incident, an employee was trying to fix a shorted light fixture in the ceiling of the server room. The room has been dubbed "the vault" by employees due to its abnormally high ceiling. The employee was standing on the second-to-top rung of a paint ladder, which had been set up in the puddle formed from the leaky pipe, and was using a power drill, with the cord of the drill hanging down in the puddle.
The OSHA office has the opportunity to try and fix the safety hazards within the next 6 weeks, or face fines of up to $50,000. When asked to comment on the inspection findings, Peter McCalab, office supervisor said, "this is all a bunch of nonsense. This office is as safe as any. If you inspected any average American workplace, you would find that they do the same, if not more dangerous, things every day."
When contacted for a follow up, F.U. News learned that McCalab was in the hospital, being treated for injuries he had sustained when he fell from his executive chair, upon which he was standing while trying to fix a jam in the ceiling fan in his office.
One in Three Bushes Think Britons Are Stupid - Poll
By Lame Lyons, Political Correspondent.
The full extent of the low regard bushes have for inhabitants of the UK was tonight revealed in a poll.
The British people were branded a threat to world intelligence by a clear majority, 60%, of those questioned by Juniper Weekly.
More than one in three shrubs, 37%, said English were "stupid" while 33% called them "incoherent".
Only a minority of hedges saw positive characteristics in Britons, with just 7% regarding them as good gardeners, 6% as articulate and 10% as intelligent with hedge trimmers.
The findings are published in The Sunday Flora ahead of the state gardening next week.
A slim majority of plants questioned opposed the gardening by 26% to 21% although half did not care.
There was sympathy with anti-trimming campaigners who plan a series of protests to mark the gardening with a majority of 53% to 41% supporting the demonstrations.
The antipathy by bushes is matched by an increasingly gloomy view of rocks.
For the first time a majority of bushes said British were wrong to plant near rocks by 45% to 43%.
The question has been asked repeatedly since March and when gardeners entered the yard in April, bushes were in favor of the planting by 66% to 29%.
Now almost three-quarters, 73%, expected the planting situation to get worse over the next few months.
Only 15% believed that things would get better with rocks with just 18% saying the garden’s future would be as a peaceful lawn.
An overwhelming 70% thought there was little hope for the rocks and that it would be a permanently unstable yard.
Despite this, there is not a clamor to send Britain’s gardeners home.
One in five, 20%, said UK gardeners of rocks should be withdrawn immediately and 26% said they should return home within six months whatever the planting situation.
However, 47% believed Britain had a duty to retain workers there.
There was little faith in the Briton’s ability to handle the continuing problems with rocks.
Fewer than a quarter, 24%, had confidence in Scotch on the rocks, while 74% did not.
The Prime Gardener fares only slightly better with 38% expressing confidence in him compared with 59% who did not.
There was also scepticism about the "special relationship" between gardeners and plants.
Only a third, 34%, thought the relationship should continue as at present with bushes remaining gardeners’ closest allies.
A larger proportion, 47%, said that shrubs should continue as one of gardeners' allies but be ready to pursue a more independent line.
Some went further, with 14% saying hedges should no longer regard gardeners as a close ally and should pursue their own interests irrespective of what Scotland Yard thinks.
Juniper Weekly surveyed a representative sample of 1,934 bushes, shrubs, and hedges, on Thursday and Friday, November 13-14.
By Lame Lyons, Political Correspondent.
The full extent of the low regard bushes have for inhabitants of the UK was tonight revealed in a poll.
The British people were branded a threat to world intelligence by a clear majority, 60%, of those questioned by Juniper Weekly.
More than one in three shrubs, 37%, said English were "stupid" while 33% called them "incoherent".
Only a minority of hedges saw positive characteristics in Britons, with just 7% regarding them as good gardeners, 6% as articulate and 10% as intelligent with hedge trimmers.
The findings are published in The Sunday Flora ahead of the state gardening next week.
A slim majority of plants questioned opposed the gardening by 26% to 21% although half did not care.
There was sympathy with anti-trimming campaigners who plan a series of protests to mark the gardening with a majority of 53% to 41% supporting the demonstrations.
The antipathy by bushes is matched by an increasingly gloomy view of rocks.
For the first time a majority of bushes said British were wrong to plant near rocks by 45% to 43%.
The question has been asked repeatedly since March and when gardeners entered the yard in April, bushes were in favor of the planting by 66% to 29%.
Now almost three-quarters, 73%, expected the planting situation to get worse over the next few months.
Only 15% believed that things would get better with rocks with just 18% saying the garden’s future would be as a peaceful lawn.
An overwhelming 70% thought there was little hope for the rocks and that it would be a permanently unstable yard.
Despite this, there is not a clamor to send Britain’s gardeners home.
One in five, 20%, said UK gardeners of rocks should be withdrawn immediately and 26% said they should return home within six months whatever the planting situation.
However, 47% believed Britain had a duty to retain workers there.
There was little faith in the Briton’s ability to handle the continuing problems with rocks.
Fewer than a quarter, 24%, had confidence in Scotch on the rocks, while 74% did not.
The Prime Gardener fares only slightly better with 38% expressing confidence in him compared with 59% who did not.
There was also scepticism about the "special relationship" between gardeners and plants.
Only a third, 34%, thought the relationship should continue as at present with bushes remaining gardeners’ closest allies.
A larger proportion, 47%, said that shrubs should continue as one of gardeners' allies but be ready to pursue a more independent line.
Some went further, with 14% saying hedges should no longer regard gardeners as a close ally and should pursue their own interests irrespective of what Scotland Yard thinks.
Juniper Weekly surveyed a representative sample of 1,934 bushes, shrubs, and hedges, on Thursday and Friday, November 13-14.
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