I Need Naught but to Partake of Thine Magick Fire
Tidings to you, fair reeve of this place, from whence metal beasts take unto the skies, and within them convey those souls who seek to sojourn to strange lands and alien provinces. I greet you with the esteem and homage that is requisite one that surrender's his life to safeguarding those who, without thine help, would be hapless victims of the doom appointed them by evil men.
"What am I doing?" ask ye? Verily, I simply partake of the magick fire that flows forth from the aperture embedded upon this parapet, on which I rest mine weary back. Truthfully I tell thee that mine arithmetic counting machine, that zenith of new-fangled scientific learning, is nigh to the darkened death that befalls such contraptions, when sundered from a spring of magick fire for a dog's age.
"That is not allowed?" say ye? I must query the nature of such a law, for it is not born from God. I tell you, the worth of such magick fire as is consumed by mine machine of electronic wizardry is but a tuppence! It is of inconsequential cost to the denizens and taxpayers of this fair shire, in which I am forced to tarry until such time as the metal beast within which I shall be born yonder is prepared for the great odyssey of a thousand thousand paces to land of mine abode.
I only ask that I might but partake of thine magick fire for the time that I am forced to linger in this place. It seems an eternity has transpired, and were it not for mine machine of bewitchment with which I might be beguiled and enthralled, I would be compelled to madness by the tedium and stagnation.
But what of the lanterns that burn brightly in the rooftop through the bright of day and dark of night, providing those that dwell herein with guiding light, such that we do not stumble and falter as we would in the dark and disarray? Surely the worth of the magick fire put forth by said lamps is not inconsequential? Must I also surrender my ducats for the benefits bestowed by them? Then tell me, why prohibit me from partaking of the magick fire for other purposes?
Fie, I say! A pox on thee and thy kin! No more shall I travel to this shire, or allow mine earnings to profit those who would put forth a law not discernable through rationale, and not equitable by the laws of God or man.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Friday, January 7, 2005
Area Man Refuses to Worship Telephone Overlords
LONG BEACH, CA - According to sources close to him, Area Man Joe Belland refuses to bow down and worship our great Telephone Overlords, to whom all praise and attention is due.
According to an anonymous witness, who shall only be identified by the pseudonym Shmristine Shmacosta, "Joe has a serious problem about not devoting the proper attention to our great Telephone Overlords. After calling him approximately 483 times in a 10-minute interval, he stopped answering the phone! What's up with that? Does he not know that the Telephone Overlords are the most important appliances in our lives, and deserve our total and undivided attention? How could he possibly let a Telephone Overlord ring and not answer it immediately?"
Belland's wench, who will only be referred to by the pseudonym Shmanne Marie, also shared similar disgust, stating "I know he was simultaneously trying to cook dinner, watch TV, and cure cancer, but come on here! Priorities! The Telephone Overlords deserve nothing less than every moment of our waking lives! He should always answer it immediately, even when I call to tell him every time I pass a mileage marker, underpass, another car, or reflector in the road!"
Belland, who is obviously evil for allowing a Telephone Overlord to go un-answered, was quoted as saying "Come brethren, let us usher in a new era for the Answering Machine. Together, with this novel technology, we can throw off the yokes placed on us by the Evil Telephones and live in a time of peace, prosperity, and disconnection."
LONG BEACH, CA - According to sources close to him, Area Man Joe Belland refuses to bow down and worship our great Telephone Overlords, to whom all praise and attention is due.
According to an anonymous witness, who shall only be identified by the pseudonym Shmristine Shmacosta, "Joe has a serious problem about not devoting the proper attention to our great Telephone Overlords. After calling him approximately 483 times in a 10-minute interval, he stopped answering the phone! What's up with that? Does he not know that the Telephone Overlords are the most important appliances in our lives, and deserve our total and undivided attention? How could he possibly let a Telephone Overlord ring and not answer it immediately?"
Belland's wench, who will only be referred to by the pseudonym Shmanne Marie, also shared similar disgust, stating "I know he was simultaneously trying to cook dinner, watch TV, and cure cancer, but come on here! Priorities! The Telephone Overlords deserve nothing less than every moment of our waking lives! He should always answer it immediately, even when I call to tell him every time I pass a mileage marker, underpass, another car, or reflector in the road!"
Belland, who is obviously evil for allowing a Telephone Overlord to go un-answered, was quoted as saying "Come brethren, let us usher in a new era for the Answering Machine. Together, with this novel technology, we can throw off the yokes placed on us by the Evil Telephones and live in a time of peace, prosperity, and disconnection."
People From New Jersey "F-ing Slow"
OFFICE 1136 - According to the new loud, annoying Jerk in office 1136, people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow." Sources close to the Jerk, who was not identified by name, report that he conducted a phone interview with a person from New Jersey and concluded that he was "f-ing slow and should not try to hustle me because you're not quick."
In the official report released by the Jerk, he continued that, "we in Newport Beach drive fast cars and live in expensive houses because we're quick. You are f-ing slow, and as such, should not try to f-ing hustle me because it will not work."
This report follows closely on the heals of the Jerk's recent "I F-ing Fired You Because You Moved To San Diego" and "You Were Supposed To Set Up The F-ing Computers Here, But F-ing Outlook Doesn't Even Work; What Am I F-ing Paying You For?" reports. The Dow, which dropped 300 point after the previous two reports, climbed slightly to 10,630 on the report that people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow."
OFFICE 1136 - According to the new loud, annoying Jerk in office 1136, people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow." Sources close to the Jerk, who was not identified by name, report that he conducted a phone interview with a person from New Jersey and concluded that he was "f-ing slow and should not try to hustle me because you're not quick."
In the official report released by the Jerk, he continued that, "we in Newport Beach drive fast cars and live in expensive houses because we're quick. You are f-ing slow, and as such, should not try to f-ing hustle me because it will not work."
This report follows closely on the heals of the Jerk's recent "I F-ing Fired You Because You Moved To San Diego" and "You Were Supposed To Set Up The F-ing Computers Here, But F-ing Outlook Doesn't Even Work; What Am I F-ing Paying You For?" reports. The Dow, which dropped 300 point after the previous two reports, climbed slightly to 10,630 on the report that people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow."
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