On the Ability of Inanimate Objects to Fly when Sprinkled with Pixie Dust in Disney's Jake and the Neverland Pirates

Objection 1: It would seem that flora, fauna, and inanimate objects should not be able to fly when sprinkled with pixie dust, as the second component of the ability to fly is the requirement to "think happy thoughts". Since these things lack an intellect, they thus lack the ability to think of pleasurable things, and ergo cannot fly.

Objection 2: Moreover, the directionality and speed of inanimate objects, if they could fly, would be random and uncontrolled, since the flyer controls his path by thought. An un-thinking object would not fly in a directed or controlled manner, as portrayed in the children's tales.

Objection 3: Moreover, flying by means of pixie dust is akin to witchcraft and therefore not suitable for portrayal in children's tales.

To the contrary, surely it is written "For his own purposes he opens the storehouse and makes the rain clouds fly like vultures."

I answer that,

John C. Wright Gets to Say Who Is and Who Is Not Brilliant

I copied and pasted my previous post verbatim to the comments of Marc Barnes' hilarious article about Vegans for Meat Catholics for Choice President Jon O'Brien's piece on the Huffington Post which my previous post was an all-too-easy parody of (50 internets if you can diagram that sentence including this parenthetical remark). I checked back today to find that, not only had it been voted the top comment, but a hero of this blog had also commented on it!

Nobody Gets to Say Who Is and Who Is Not Vegan

Hugh Jass
President, Vegans for Meat

My organization, Vegans for Meat was the subject of a bizarre attack from the United States Vegan Council (USVC) this week.

Ms. Cary Ann Schmaltz, the director of media relations for the USVC, took to her blog in a pathetic attempt to discredit VFM as a legitimate voice for vegans in the United States. She expressed concern that "sleepy editors" or "inexperienced journalists" would be taken in by us, simply because we describe ourselves as vegans. She said that we are not vegans and we don't know veganism. Schmaltz is sadly wrong on both counts. Any cursory visit to VFM's website will give a reader the opportunity to learn more about vegan practices and healthy eating than would a visit to many other vegan websites. And as to my veganism, perhaps I'll send her copy of my last grocery store receipt, though I doubt she'd be appeased.

But this is not just about VFM. It's about Schmaltz presenting herself as the arbiter of who's a vegan. It's kind of like letting the Tea Party decide who's American, isn't it? Just like them, Schmaltz doesn't let the facts get in the way of her message. With her ham-fisted blog, Schmaltz insults the hundreds of groups and millions of vegans who choose to remain vegan while raising legitimate voices in support of eating meat.

Her appeal to guarding the "brand" of veganism is simply crass. Veganism is not Apple or Google, global corporations that zealously police the use of their brand, siccing corporate lawyers on anybody who dares use their name in vain. The USVC's brand control over individuals ends the minute a person begins eating. From that point forward, we have the right -- and the responsibility -- to speak as vegans on matters of health, including those that involve meat, eggs, and other animal products. Understandably, this makes Schmaltz and her bosses nervous because all too often, the leaders of the USVC haven't said or done the right thing on these issues.

We base our support for eating meat on the long-standing traditions within veganism. We are part of the great majority who believe that the teaching on the primacy of appetite means that every individual must follow his or her own taste buds -- and respect the rights of others to do the same. As vegans we take seriously our obligations to know and thoughtfully consider vegan practices. And in coming to our positions on eating meat, animal products and other issues we have done so, and continue to do so. We didn't make this up. We've got vegetarians, carnivores, omnivores and millions of vegans on our side.

As somebody intimately familiar with the ways of veganism, Ms. Cary Ann knows that nobody gets to say who is and who is not a vegan. Not the cooks, not the chefs, and not the food critics. One is a vegan after eating a vegetable. Period. She might have her own opinions about who is a healthy vegan or an unhealthy vegan, but her claims that we aren't vegans need some fact-checking.

The good ma'am may be jealous of the media attention we get. She may be upset at the quality of our arguments. She may find the statistics that we use disconcerting. I would, if I were her, as they show that the positions taken by the USVC have been resoundingly rejected by ordinary vegans. But it's interesting that she chose not to, or more likely couldn't, address the basis of our arguments. So she resorts to demonizing us. 

Ms. Cary Ann's rant was addressed to the new public editor at the New York Times, Maggie Sullen. It seems that she thinks that a senior editor at the Times will be intimidated into ignoring the legitimate and widely supported arguments of those who are not granted the USVC's blessing. We know that we speak for the majority of vegans. And we are happy to continue to forge our path, knowing that it is one that will be well-traveled by our fellow vegans for meat.

As to Ms. Sullen, and her many fine colleagues in the Fourth Estate, I am pretty sure they know that if they want the USVC's opinion on something, they can give Ms. Cary Ann a call. But when they want to know what vegans think, they know to call somebody else. VFM will always be happy to take that call.

It's almost painful how little I had to change. Arguably this version makes more sense.

Best. Prayer. Ever.

Came across this today on a comment on Catholic Memes:

Oremus.
Benedic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisiae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi, et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti; ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corpus et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen.

Which means, in the vernacular:

Bless, + O Lord, this creature beer, which thou hast deigned to produce from the fat of grain: that it may be a salutary remedy to the human race, and grant through the invocation of thy holy name; that, whoever shall drink it, may gain health in body and peace in soul. Through Christ our Lord.

 Amen, and bottoms up!