Return of the King "Big Disappointment"
Lower-left corner not as interesting as those of previous "Rings" movies, critics say
Aaron Hardman, Lord of the Rings fan and critic proclaimed that the lower-left corner of Return of the King "couldn't hold a candle" to the corners of the previous two movies, Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. Hardman, who decided to concentrate on watching just the corners of the films after seeing Fellowship for the 37th time, says he was greatly disappointed by the lower-left corner of King, especially after all the positive reviews the movie received, but he still has high hopes for the upper-right corner, which he will watch the next time he sees the film "in about five minutes."
Monday, December 22, 2003
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Ask Mary Waterson from Debt Corp.
DEAR MARY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral. I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO
DEAR HURTING: Having trouble paying off those loans? If your debts qualify for our program, we can settle your debts with your creditors in three years or less. We negotiate with your creditors on your behalf and will settle your debts for 40 cents on the dollar. Our fee is a flat 15%. That means if you owe $50,000, you'll only have to pay $27,500!
DEAR MARY: My brother and I are entrepreneurs and recently decided to go into business together. The problem is coming up with a name for our company. We've decided to use our last names, like "Hewlitt-Packard" but can't decide whose to put first. My brother thinks that his name should be first, because most of the ideas we're going to be marketing are his. I think my name should be first since I'm providing the start-up capital and will be managing the business aspect. Please help us settle on a company name before it breaks up our company and relationship. -- LAST NAME FIRST IN AZ.
DEAR LAME: Our company is called Debt Corp. That's Debt Corp. No, not "Death Corpse", it's DEBT CORP. D-E-B-T C-O-R-P. That's quite alright.
We're not a debt consolidation company. We're a debt settlement company. Beware of those debt consolidation companies. They claim to be non-profit, but in reality, they work for the creditors and are actually being sued by the Attorney General of Missouri. We work for you. If you go into debt consolidation, it will show up on your credit report as an R7, which means your debt was paid by a third party. An R8 is "filed for bankruptcy", so this is one step beneath that. It will ruin your credit. I knew one person who went through consolidation and ten years later, they still couldn't buy a car because of that R7.
Debt settlement doesn't show up on your credit report at all. That's part of our settlement. When you finish the program, it will say on your credit report "debt paid in full". It wouldn't be any different if you won the lottery and paid it all off tomorrow.
DEAR MARY: I live with my boyfriend "Jack" and our two-year-old daughter "Jill". Jack has a high-paying job and is financially well-off, so it gives me the opportunity to stay at home with Jill instead of working. Well Jack has decided he's tired of paying for me and the baby and wants to spend more money on himself. He says I have three days to get a job that will earn enough to pay my own way because he's going to stop paying our expenses. The problem is I never graduated college and I doubt I could get a job that pays that much ever, let alone in three days. I have a little bit of money in my savings account from when I used to work, but it won't last me more than 30 days. I very much love Jack and couldn't live without him, but he tends to have these selfish streaks that make it nearly impossible to live with him. What should I do? -- HONEY WON'T GIVE MONEY IN TALLAHASEE
DEAR FUNNY: Within three days of signing up for our program, we send a "Cease and Desist" letter to all your creditors. This basically tells them that you're a Debt Corp. client and that we'll be working with them on your behalf. If your creditors call you and try to get you to pay, just tell them that you're a Debt Corp. client and to have a nice day, then hang up the phone. If they continue to harass you, get the name and badge number of whoever calls you, then call us and tell us. We'll handle it.
After 30 days of being on the program, they can't call you anymore and will stop harassing you. If they do, tell us and we'll negotiate your debt at about 10 cents on the dollar.
DEAR MARY: I want to get this on the table right now. I hate telemarketers. They call me all the time, especially during dinner or while I'm watching the climax of a TV show. I'm never interested in what they have to sell, and wouldn't buy from them even if I was. Once I got a telemarketing call on my cell-phone (which isn't free, since the call uses up my minutes). When I answered it, it was just a recording, so I hung up. My phone rang again and I let the voice-mail get it. When I listened to the message, it was that same darned recording, but it started from where it was when I hung up on it! As if they couldn't figure out I wasn't interested the first time I hung up!
At my work, the situation isn't much better. My office is next to a group of telemarketers who are calling people all day. They always use the same sales pitch, so I've heard it so much I've memorized it and am beginning to dream about it. I feel like I could work for them. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a fit of rage and go postal on them. What can I do to stop telemarketers from calling me, or better yet, what's the best way to kill a telemarketer? -- DEATH TO TELEMARKETERS IN CA
DEAR JOE: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't talk right now? Well when would be a better time. We can schedule an appointment for a time more convenient for you. Where are you? Oh, well I'm right next door! So 5:00 is good for you? Great.
Ok, thank you. You too. Goodbye.
DEAR MARY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral. I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO
DEAR HURTING: Having trouble paying off those loans? If your debts qualify for our program, we can settle your debts with your creditors in three years or less. We negotiate with your creditors on your behalf and will settle your debts for 40 cents on the dollar. Our fee is a flat 15%. That means if you owe $50,000, you'll only have to pay $27,500!
DEAR MARY: My brother and I are entrepreneurs and recently decided to go into business together. The problem is coming up with a name for our company. We've decided to use our last names, like "Hewlitt-Packard" but can't decide whose to put first. My brother thinks that his name should be first, because most of the ideas we're going to be marketing are his. I think my name should be first since I'm providing the start-up capital and will be managing the business aspect. Please help us settle on a company name before it breaks up our company and relationship. -- LAST NAME FIRST IN AZ.
DEAR LAME: Our company is called Debt Corp. That's Debt Corp. No, not "Death Corpse", it's DEBT CORP. D-E-B-T C-O-R-P. That's quite alright.
We're not a debt consolidation company. We're a debt settlement company. Beware of those debt consolidation companies. They claim to be non-profit, but in reality, they work for the creditors and are actually being sued by the Attorney General of Missouri. We work for you. If you go into debt consolidation, it will show up on your credit report as an R7, which means your debt was paid by a third party. An R8 is "filed for bankruptcy", so this is one step beneath that. It will ruin your credit. I knew one person who went through consolidation and ten years later, they still couldn't buy a car because of that R7.
Debt settlement doesn't show up on your credit report at all. That's part of our settlement. When you finish the program, it will say on your credit report "debt paid in full". It wouldn't be any different if you won the lottery and paid it all off tomorrow.
DEAR MARY: I live with my boyfriend "Jack" and our two-year-old daughter "Jill". Jack has a high-paying job and is financially well-off, so it gives me the opportunity to stay at home with Jill instead of working. Well Jack has decided he's tired of paying for me and the baby and wants to spend more money on himself. He says I have three days to get a job that will earn enough to pay my own way because he's going to stop paying our expenses. The problem is I never graduated college and I doubt I could get a job that pays that much ever, let alone in three days. I have a little bit of money in my savings account from when I used to work, but it won't last me more than 30 days. I very much love Jack and couldn't live without him, but he tends to have these selfish streaks that make it nearly impossible to live with him. What should I do? -- HONEY WON'T GIVE MONEY IN TALLAHASEE
DEAR FUNNY: Within three days of signing up for our program, we send a "Cease and Desist" letter to all your creditors. This basically tells them that you're a Debt Corp. client and that we'll be working with them on your behalf. If your creditors call you and try to get you to pay, just tell them that you're a Debt Corp. client and to have a nice day, then hang up the phone. If they continue to harass you, get the name and badge number of whoever calls you, then call us and tell us. We'll handle it.
After 30 days of being on the program, they can't call you anymore and will stop harassing you. If they do, tell us and we'll negotiate your debt at about 10 cents on the dollar.
DEAR MARY: I want to get this on the table right now. I hate telemarketers. They call me all the time, especially during dinner or while I'm watching the climax of a TV show. I'm never interested in what they have to sell, and wouldn't buy from them even if I was. Once I got a telemarketing call on my cell-phone (which isn't free, since the call uses up my minutes). When I answered it, it was just a recording, so I hung up. My phone rang again and I let the voice-mail get it. When I listened to the message, it was that same darned recording, but it started from where it was when I hung up on it! As if they couldn't figure out I wasn't interested the first time I hung up!
At my work, the situation isn't much better. My office is next to a group of telemarketers who are calling people all day. They always use the same sales pitch, so I've heard it so much I've memorized it and am beginning to dream about it. I feel like I could work for them. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a fit of rage and go postal on them. What can I do to stop telemarketers from calling me, or better yet, what's the best way to kill a telemarketer? -- DEATH TO TELEMARKETERS IN CA
DEAR JOE: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't talk right now? Well when would be a better time. We can schedule an appointment for a time more convenient for you. Where are you? Oh, well I'm right next door! So 5:00 is good for you? Great.
Ok, thank you. You too. Goodbye.
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
Return of the King will Cure Cancer, Experts Say
Poverty, Hunger, among other afflictions eradicated by new movie
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - Thousands of poor and diseased people are lining up at theaters around the world awaiting the release of Return of the King, the final chapter of Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, after early reports about the movie's ability to heal afflictions of almost every kind.
"This movie will be the best thing to happen to planet earth," declared Dr. Russell Leatherwood, a professor of the Royal Organization of Health And Nature, who was fortunate enough to see a special preview screening of the movie as part of his institute's study. His colleague, Kevin Hedges, responded, "are you kidding? It will be even better than that!"
After a few preview screenings of the movie during the past month, rumors started floating around that the movie could cure diseases. One story surfaced of a man who was suffering from leukemia before he saw the movie at a screening for the Director's Guild of America. When he came out, he had been cured of the disease. Another report tells of a woman who had a broken leg going in to a preview screening. Upon coming out of the theater, she tore off her cast and danced with joy. When the rumors started to spread, a number of scientific and medical institutes began formal studies of the movie.
According to Dr. Bobby Mazza of the Southern Hemisphere Institute for REmedies, the healing properties of Return of the King go beyond major afflictions and beyond those who have seen the movie. He gave the example of a man whose grandmother was in the hospital, dying of pneumonia when he went in to see the movie. "When he came out of the theater, he received a phone call that his grandmother was fine and on her way home." The man's sister did not even see the movie because she was with her grandmother in the hospital. She knew the moment the movie was over, though, because her acne miraculously cleared up.
The benefits of the movie seem to go beyond even health and disease. Dr. Peter Mendiola of the Edinburg Laboratory of Volunteer English Scientists tells of a participant of their study. "Two days before he saw the movie, his landlord gave him notice of eviction because he couldn't pay the rent. When he got home from the theater, he turned on the television and found he had just won the lottery." Dr. Joseph Cofer, also assigned to the same study, tells that "after my patient walked out of the screening, his ex-girlfriend, who had just dumped him a week previously, called to tell him she wanted to marry him."
The beneficial properties of Lord of the Rings have been known for quite some time. "After I saw Fellowship of the Ring, I lost 30 lbs. and my husband's hair grew back," says Renee Ridge, a previous study patient of the Northern Utah Medicine, Environment, and Nature, ORganization. Still, others tell of things that happened before the movies even came out. "When I finished reading the books about 20 years ago," tells another study patient, Benjamin Cambell, "I was promoted to general manager of the company I worked at. I figure after I see Return of the King, I'll own the place."
Still, some are skeptical of the amazing results of Return of the King. Dr. Douglas Elizondo, a noted scientist of the Organization for Remedies and Cures stated "this is just the placebo effect in action. These people want Return to be the greatest movie ever, so of course in their minds it is. The 'great things' that are happening to them are clearly just mental illusions."
"He must be a Harry Potter fan," replied Cambell.
Poverty, Hunger, among other afflictions eradicated by new movie
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - Thousands of poor and diseased people are lining up at theaters around the world awaiting the release of Return of the King, the final chapter of Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, after early reports about the movie's ability to heal afflictions of almost every kind.
"This movie will be the best thing to happen to planet earth," declared Dr. Russell Leatherwood, a professor of the Royal Organization of Health And Nature, who was fortunate enough to see a special preview screening of the movie as part of his institute's study. His colleague, Kevin Hedges, responded, "are you kidding? It will be even better than that!"
After a few preview screenings of the movie during the past month, rumors started floating around that the movie could cure diseases. One story surfaced of a man who was suffering from leukemia before he saw the movie at a screening for the Director's Guild of America. When he came out, he had been cured of the disease. Another report tells of a woman who had a broken leg going in to a preview screening. Upon coming out of the theater, she tore off her cast and danced with joy. When the rumors started to spread, a number of scientific and medical institutes began formal studies of the movie.
According to Dr. Bobby Mazza of the Southern Hemisphere Institute for REmedies, the healing properties of Return of the King go beyond major afflictions and beyond those who have seen the movie. He gave the example of a man whose grandmother was in the hospital, dying of pneumonia when he went in to see the movie. "When he came out of the theater, he received a phone call that his grandmother was fine and on her way home." The man's sister did not even see the movie because she was with her grandmother in the hospital. She knew the moment the movie was over, though, because her acne miraculously cleared up.
The benefits of the movie seem to go beyond even health and disease. Dr. Peter Mendiola of the Edinburg Laboratory of Volunteer English Scientists tells of a participant of their study. "Two days before he saw the movie, his landlord gave him notice of eviction because he couldn't pay the rent. When he got home from the theater, he turned on the television and found he had just won the lottery." Dr. Joseph Cofer, also assigned to the same study, tells that "after my patient walked out of the screening, his ex-girlfriend, who had just dumped him a week previously, called to tell him she wanted to marry him."
The beneficial properties of Lord of the Rings have been known for quite some time. "After I saw Fellowship of the Ring, I lost 30 lbs. and my husband's hair grew back," says Renee Ridge, a previous study patient of the Northern Utah Medicine, Environment, and Nature, ORganization. Still, others tell of things that happened before the movies even came out. "When I finished reading the books about 20 years ago," tells another study patient, Benjamin Cambell, "I was promoted to general manager of the company I worked at. I figure after I see Return of the King, I'll own the place."
Still, some are skeptical of the amazing results of Return of the King. Dr. Douglas Elizondo, a noted scientist of the Organization for Remedies and Cures stated "this is just the placebo effect in action. These people want Return to be the greatest movie ever, so of course in their minds it is. The 'great things' that are happening to them are clearly just mental illusions."
"He must be a Harry Potter fan," replied Cambell.
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