Return of the King will Cure Cancer, Experts Say

Poverty, Hunger, among other afflictions eradicated by new movie



WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - Thousands of poor and diseased people are lining up at theaters around the world awaiting the release of Return of the King, the final chapter of Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, after early reports about the movie's ability to heal afflictions of almost every kind.



"This movie will be the best thing to happen to planet earth," declared Dr. Russell Leatherwood, a professor of the Royal Organization of Health And Nature, who was fortunate enough to see a special preview screening of the movie as part of his institute's study. His colleague, Kevin Hedges, responded, "are you kidding? It will be even better than that!"



After a few preview screenings of the movie during the past month, rumors started floating around that the movie could cure diseases. One story surfaced of a man who was suffering from leukemia before he saw the movie at a screening for the Director's Guild of America. When he came out, he had been cured of the disease. Another report tells of a woman who had a broken leg going in to a preview screening. Upon coming out of the theater, she tore off her cast and danced with joy. When the rumors started to spread, a number of scientific and medical institutes began formal studies of the movie.



According to Dr. Bobby Mazza of the Southern Hemisphere Institute for REmedies, the healing properties of Return of the King go beyond major afflictions and beyond those who have seen the movie. He gave the example of a man whose grandmother was in the hospital, dying of pneumonia when he went in to see the movie. "When he came out of the theater, he received a phone call that his grandmother was fine and on her way home." The man's sister did not even see the movie because she was with her grandmother in the hospital. She knew the moment the movie was over, though, because her acne miraculously cleared up.



The benefits of the movie seem to go beyond even health and disease. Dr. Peter Mendiola of the Edinburg Laboratory of Volunteer English Scientists tells of a participant of their study. "Two days before he saw the movie, his landlord gave him notice of eviction because he couldn't pay the rent. When he got home from the theater, he turned on the television and found he had just won the lottery." Dr. Joseph Cofer, also assigned to the same study, tells that "after my patient walked out of the screening, his ex-girlfriend, who had just dumped him a week previously, called to tell him she wanted to marry him."



The beneficial properties of Lord of the Rings have been known for quite some time. "After I saw Fellowship of the Ring, I lost 30 lbs. and my husband's hair grew back," says Renee Ridge, a previous study patient of the Northern Utah Medicine, Environment, and Nature, ORganization. Still, others tell of things that happened before the movies even came out. "When I finished reading the books about 20 years ago," tells another study patient, Benjamin Cambell, "I was promoted to general manager of the company I worked at. I figure after I see Return of the King, I'll own the place."



Still, some are skeptical of the amazing results of Return of the King. Dr. Douglas Elizondo, a noted scientist of the Organization for Remedies and Cures stated "this is just the placebo effect in action. These people want Return to be the greatest movie ever, so of course in their minds it is. The 'great things' that are happening to them are clearly just mental illusions."



"He must be a Harry Potter fan," replied Cambell.