FU News Contest!

I will mail a bag of marshmallows to whoever is first to post a Question that could grammatically (using the English language) be answered with:

Because the higher it goes the more.

Feel free to re-punctuate that sentence if it would help. I, Tom Adams, am the final judge of this contest. If you disagree with my ruling, tough toenails. I ain't mailing the marshmallows till someone posts a sentence that I think works. And, no, "Why is the mouse that spins?" is not the winning post.

Hey! It's that Guy! Part II.

Ok, now that I've gone through "The Storyteller: Greek Myths", I can officially say those Greeks were a depressing lot. And they had several Guys of the "Hey! It's That" persuasion. Of course, everyone appeared in at least one Poirot episode or some other Mystery! series, although there were a lot fewer HITGs than there were in the other The Storyteller series.

Anyways, here we go.

Of course, Michael Gambon played The Storyteller. In addition to playing Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potters 3, 4, and 5, he played Editor Paley in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Baltus Van Tassel in Sleepy Hollow, and Inspector Jules Maigret on the Mystery! production of "Maigret". Although, I think Michael Gambon has now graduated beyond HITG status.

Others:
Lindsay Duncan played Medea (Aegeus' wife). She also played the voice of TC-14 in Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace, and Lady Markby in An Ideal Husband.

Robert Flemyng played Aegeus. Also played Wing Commander Willoughby in Battle of Britain and Paul Duval in Funny Face, staring Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn.

Derek Jacobi played Daedalus. He is well past HITG status, but he also played Alexander Corvinus in Underworld: Evolution, Senator Gracchus in Gladiator, Brother Cadfael in the Mystery! series "Cadfael", Claudius in Kenneth Branagh's production of Hamlet, the Chorus in Kenneth Branagh's production of Henry V, the voice of Nicodemus in The Secret of NIMH, and a whole bunch of other stuff, mainly Shakespearean.

Art Malik played Orpheus. Also played Salim Abu Aziz (the chief bad guy) in True Lies.

Pat Roach played Atlas. Also played a Gestapo in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, General Kael in Willow, Chief Guard in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Giant Sherpa/1st Mechanic (the one who beats up Indy and gets chopped up by the propeller) in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Hephaestus in Clash of the Titans.

Robert Stephens played Hades. Any Belland worth his salt can readily quote him (and probably regularly does) when he sees a candle by passing his finger back and forth through the flame and saying "And as for the boy. What I won't do to that boy." I am of course referring to Abner Brown/Reverend Bottledale from The Box of Delights. He also had parts in Empire of the Sun and Kenneth Branagh's Henry V.

John Wood played Minos. Also played Lord Caversham in An Ideal Husband, Tom Fairchild (Sabrina's father) in the 1995 version of Sabrina with Harrison Ford, and appeared in an episode of Young Indiana Jones Chronicles.

Area Man Thinks Anything Would Be Awesome When Related In Any Way With The GE F136 Engine.

CINCINNATI, OH - According to sources close to him, area man Joe Belland thinks just about anything would be the "cat's pajamas" when used in any way with General Electric's F136 Engine, used to power the JSF. During a recent training session, Belland was reported to state "and as you can see, the Esary-Proschan approximation method gives us an accurate and quick approximation of the actual reliability on this machine of shock and- y'know, it would be rad if they could land a JSF on an Arleigh Burke-Class AEGIS Destroyer."

Belland later stated that "welding a faucet to an F136 engine and watching it drip would still be totally awesome."

One Step Closer to Minority Report.

For CBS’s Fall Lineup, Check Inside Your Refrigerator - New York Times

What's next? Commercials in the movie theater? TVs showing advertisements at the checkout line of the grocery store? Advertisements on clothing? Where will it all end?

I plan on boycotting any eggs with advertisements on them.

The Best Place by the Fire...

Those of you who know what that line is from are a special breed. You select few who have experienced the wonder of Jim Henson's "The Storyteller". For those who don't The Storyteller was a TV series that had a short run in 1988. The Bellands watched it religiously (almost as religiously as Conspiracy of the Yagu). Being 7 years old at the time, I didn't remember much from it, but even now, almost 20 years later, my mind will flash back to images and scenes that I remember watching, and I'll even pull the occasional quote, despite not remembering more than 5 minutes of it.

Anyways, I recently found it on Amazon.com, and decided to get it, not remembering much about it. The good news is the Murloc liked it. Very much, actually. It comes with highest recommendations, and might be good pacification material for children (although maybe not very young children, as there are scary moments and monsters). But that's not the point of this post.

(aside) A while ago, I came across a website called Hey, it's that guy! It was devoted to all those guys whom you saw and recognized from various movies and television shows, but didn't know their names. You know those guys. Like that one guy who played that dude in that movie? You know who I'm talking about?

So while watching through The Storyteller, I came to realize that this show is the biggest collection of "Hey, it's that guy!" people. As we went from one episode to the next, each time an actor would make an appearance, I'd remark to myself "isn't that that guy from that other movie?" And in most cases, it was. It went from being a coincidence at first, to being a creepy phenomenon. Eventually, I couldn't tell whether I was thinking I had seen an actor before simply because I'd seen every other actor before, or because I actually had seen the actor before. In most cases I really had.

So after every episode, I had to go to imdb to look up the actors and sure enough, I'd say "ohmigosh! It is that person!" After several episodes I began to notice a few trends.

1) Every actor who was in The Storyteller, at one point made an appearance in the Mystery! series Poirot.
2) Most actors appeared in other Mystery! series' as well, such as Campion, Lord Peter Wimsey, Rumpole of the Bailey, Cadfael, and Maigret.
3) A sizeable majority of them were also in other shows like Dr. Who, Jeeves and Wooster, and Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. Several also appeared in Disney's live action 101 Dalmations.
4) There is a very, very small pool of actors in Great Britain, and they all appear in everything with everyone else. I think every British actor can be linked to every other in a minimum of two degrees.
5) There was a British TV show called "Z Cars" (1962-1978) in which every British actor got his start.

In addition to that, a number of actors (at least one from each of the nine episodes) were particularly remarkable. I've done my best to catalogue them here.

"Hans My Hedgehog"
-Ailsa Berk, played the Grovelhog. Also played Aslan in the BBC production of The Chronicles of Narnia.

"Fearnot"
-Gabrielle Anwar, played Lidia (Fearnot's love). Also played Queen Anne in Disney's The Three Muskateers, Sonora Webster (the female lead) in Wild Hearts Can't be Broken, and Ramandu's daughter in the BBC production of Prince Caspian and Voyage of the Dawn Treader (more on Ramandu later).
-Mark Williams, played Fearnot's Brother. Also played Mr. Arthur Weasley in Harry Potter 2, 3, and 4.

"A Story Short"
-Brenda Blethyn, played the Storyteller's Wife. Also played Mrs. Bennet in last year's Pride & Prejudice.
-Richard Vernon, played the King. Also played Slartibartfast in the BBC TV miniseries production of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"The Luck Child"
-Paul Brooke, played the King's evil Chancellor. Also played Malakili, the Rancor keeper, in Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi.
-Robert Eddison, played the Ferryman. Also played the Grail Knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade the following year, then died two years after that at the age of 83.
-Philip Jackson, played the evil King. Also played Chief Inspector Japp in the Mystery! series Poirot.
-Pauline Moran, played the Queen. Also played Miss Lemon in the Mystery! series Poirot.
-Steven Mackintosh, played Lucky. Also played Andreas Tanis in Underworld: Evolution.

"The Soldier and Death"
-Bob Peck, played the Soldier. Also played Robert Muldoon in Jurassic Park and also appeared in an episode of Young Indiana Jones Chronicles.

"The True Bride"
-Jane Horrocks, played Anja. Also played the voice of the Black Widow Spider and Mrs. Plum in Corpse Bride, and the voice of Babs in Chicken Run. She also appeared in The Witches and Memphis Belle.
-Sean Bean, played the Prince. Yeah, you read that right. Sean Freakin' Bean. I first saw him in Patriot Games and later Ronin. Of course he was also in Goldeneye, Troy, National Treasure, and (need I mention it?) The Lord of the Rings.
-Alun Armstrong, voice of the Troll. Also appeared in Van Helsing, The Mummy Returns, Sleepy Hollow, Braveheart, and Patiot Games.

"The Three Ravens"
-Jonathan Pryce, played the King. I first saw him playing Elliot Carver (the Ted Turner-esque bad guy) in Tomorrow Never Dies, then later in Ronin, but he is most recently well known for playing Governor Weatherby Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean.
-Miranda Richardson, played the Witch. Also appeared in Empire of the Sun and Sleepy Hollow, and provided the voice for Mrs. Tweedy in Chicken Run. Most recently, she played Rita Skeeter in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
-Joely Richardson, played the Princess. Also played Aunt Charlotte Selton in The Patriot, with Mel Gibson. Also appeared in Bonnie Hunt's romantic comedy Return to Me.
-Interesting point: Joely Richardson was in a movie called "Wetherby" and Miranda Richardson was in a movie called "Swann". Jonathan Pryce played Governer "Weatherby Swann" in Pirates.

"Sapsorrow"
-Geoffrey Bayldon, played the King. Also played Ramandu in the BBC production of Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
-Alison Doody, played Sapsorrow/Scraggletag. Also played (wait for it) Dr. Elsa Schneider in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
-Angus Barnett, played Servant 1. Also played Mullroy (the fat British Soldier) in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.
-Dawn French, played Bad Sister 2. Also played the voice of Mrs. Beaver in last year's production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and the Fat Lady in the painting in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
-Jennifer Saunders, played Bad Sister 1. Also the voice of the Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2.

"The Heartless Giant"
-Gemma Jones, played the Queen. Also played Madam Pomfrey in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Grace Winslow in The Winslow Boy, and Mrs. Dashwood in Ang Lee's 1995 production of Sense and Sensibility.

Oh yeah, don't let me forget that the Storyteller himself is played by John Hurt, who was in Hellboy, Mr. Ollivander (the wand salesman) in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, somehow ended up in Spaceballs, and was the voice of Aragorn in Ralph Bakshi's The Lord of the Rings.

I haven't yet watched The Storyteller: Greek Myths, so I don't know if it will follow the "Hey, it's that guy!" trend. It looks like it's headed in that direction, though, as the Storyteller is played by Michael Gambon, better known as Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potters 3 and 4.

Most Romantic Way to Propose.

If any girl does not think so, she is obviously not worth it.

Kitty Porn!


Hot kitten on kitten action!

So Bastet was in heat again last week. You could tell because she would coo fiercely and rub up against inanimate objects in the desperate hope that they would magically turn into boy cats. That and she would pee in corners.

Just thought I'd share.

Movie Plot Synopsis (SPOILERS!)
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: LeChuck's Revenge

On what was meant to be the wedding day of Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner, Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company arrests our heroes. Lord Beckett offers Will a reprieve if he can get Captain Jack Sparrow's compass for the Company.

Meanwhile Will's father appears to Captain Jack to warn him that it is time to repay an old debt to Davy Jones, captain of the Flying Dutchman.

The Dread Pirate Davy Jones, Captain of The Flying Dutchman

The Dread Pirate Barbossa from the The Secret of Monkey Island: Curse of the Black Pearl

The Flying Dutchman

Will finally gets word that the Black Pearl is abandoned on a remote island. There, he finds a suspicious native tribe of cannibals. Hilarity ensues, they escape through the jungle and everyone meets back up at the Black Pearl.

Jack says he will give Will the compass as long as Will gets him the key to a chest where Davy Jones keeps his heart. In a visit to a witch doctor they get hold of the location of the Flying Dutchman and Jack gets a jar of dirt (Good for you! You got a Jar of Dirt! Look at Jar of Dirt. Use Jar of Dirt.) They set sail for the Flying Dutchman. Will is caught by Davy Jones, and Jack is told to collect more souls for Davy Jones if he wants to stay free. Jack sets sail for Tortuga where they enlist more sailors (souls) at the SCUMM Bar.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Swann has had a bungled escape attempt and winds up in Tortuga as well. She then enlists for the Black Pearl also.

Will steals Davy Jones' key.

Both crews arrive at the island where Davy Jones' heart is buried at much the same time, precipitating a sword fight.

And more hilarity ensues.


The end.

I give it 5 out of 5 three-headed monkeys ( or a total of 15 monkey heads )

Oh yeah, and the dog with the keys from the first Monkey-- I mean Pirates movie, also appears in this one.

Magdalene Harold Status Report*

Since we last checked in with our small-yet-pudgy heroine (if you will recall, that was at Christmas), a good deal has changed. In fact, she is not nearly the ball of lovable chubb she used to be. Mom and Dad have had to face the cold, hard reality of Maggie Lu’s shedding of the majority of her baby fat. That does not mean, however, that the Magger has lost her fondness for food. Far from it!!
Mags loves to eat. She especially loves Mommy’s Starbucks Iced Frappuchinos [sic].** Mags goes "mmmMMM" when she sees food that someone else has that she wants. Mommy has only driven through McDonald’s once before, but yesterday when Mommy went to get a snack from that fine establishment, the van had barely pulled up to the drive thru ordering station when Mags started singing "mmmMMM" in her hilarious little voice. While most people think the pool is for swimming, Maggie keeps a sharp watch while in the pool of the goings-on at the concession stand, intoning "mmmMMM" whenever she sees someone leaving with a hot dog or nachos. Maggie's love for eating doesn’t always extend to vegetables, but Daddy’s "airplane feeding" trick works every time (Mags especially likes it when Daddy precedes the dive-feeding with an intonation—in his best airline pilot voice—that "all tray tables must be in an upright and locked position"). How gullible!

One time, after Maggie and her 2 1/2 year old cousin Olivia had gone swimming, Daddy prepared a cheese and cracker snack for them at their little table (dinner was a few hours away). Though hungry, Olivia daintily nibbled at her cheese and crackers in a lady-like fashion. Magdalene Lucille, on the other hand, DEVOURED her cheese and crackers, all the while greedily eying the uneaten portion of Olivia’s snack! When Mags was done, she hopped of her chair and attempted to wrest the rest of Olivia’s cheese away from her! Mags was quite perturbed when Dad prevented the larceny.

Magdalene and Olivia’s relationship has changed quite a lot. In the past, Mags would kind of just tune Olivia out. Lately, however, they have started playing together (and they usually enjoy each other’s company). Before, Olivia was always the aggressor. Now, however, Mags can dish it out too. Exhibit A was, as reported above, Maggie’s attempt to steal food from Olivia. Exhibit B was when Kelly Gannon (Franciscan 2001, Ave Maria Law 2004) came over to play with them on the Fourth of July. Both girls really love Kelly. Mags had positioned herself on Kelly’s lap and was enjoying the buckets of attention that Kelly provides when Olivia came up to Kelly and wanted to sit on Kelly’s lap too. Mags started gesticulating wildly and shouting "nonononono." When Kelly nevertheless complied with Olivia’s demands, Maggie reached over and gave Olivia a sharp stinging pinch on the leg for good measure. Mommy was amazed that her sweet little girl could resort to such hooligan antics despite never being taught that a pinch hurts (or how to pinch, for that matter). Violence must just be a constitutive part of our human nature!

Maggie’s grandmother, who married into the Harold family, has always complained that Harolds can sometimes be like ostriches and attempt to just ignore problems. Maggie is living proof that Harolds do have ostrich-like tendencies. Recently, Maggie has taken to standing up, putting her hands flat on the floor, and then dropping her head to the floor in order to observe her bottom (which, though skinny, is still quite cute). She tried this in the bath once to deleterious effect.

None of the above should be taken as denigrating our cute little sweetie Mags. She is a wonderful joy, and pretty darn precocious for a 14 month-year-old. For example, she knows how to blow on her food when it is hot; utilize a large vocabulary, such as "pretty," "pool," "hot," "bounce," "peese" (when prompted to "mind her manners"), and "thank you" (she says it spontaneously when given something); push the stroller and/or shopping cart; and bark and wag her tongue like a dog (she also has a large repertoire of other animal noises). Her father just salivates at the prospect of using her cuteness for his own commercial gain.

THIS HAS BEEN A MAGDALENE LUCILLE HAROLD STATUS REPORT*



*DISCLAIMER: THIS REPORT IN NO WAY ATTEMPTS TO COPY, IMITATE, FOLLOW, REPRODUCE, PROCREATE, APPEAR LIKE, CONFORM TO, RESEMBLE, FOLLOW SUIT, SIMULATE, COUNTERFEIT, APE, FAKE, FORGE, MOCK, OR OTHERWISE CONSTITUTE A RIP-OFF OF THE WILDLY POPULAR EDY AND MAX UPDATES THAT ARE THE SOLE CREATION OF PHILIP J. HAROLD, Ph. D.

** For all of you who are now thinking about calling the Child Protection Services of Arkansas (CPSA), the iced frappuchinos [sic] are decaf! So buzz off!!

F.U. News in Brief.

BUENA PARK, CA -- Knott's Berry Farm has announced the closing of their Ninja of the Caribbean attraction, citing low attendance. The ride opened three months ago to empty queues and lack of interest. A spokesperson for Knott's Berry Farm said that the need to close the ride was "disappointing, but not unexpected." Market analysts believe the lack of interest stemmed from the well-known fact that Pirates are way cooler than Ninja.

IRVINE, CA -- Blizzard Entertainment and Legendary Pictures announced that they have chosen Uwe Boll to direct the forthcoming Warcraft motion picture. The Razzie-Award nominated director, best known for directing "Alone in the Dark" and "Bloodrayne" has been praised for his ability to turn awful games into even worse movies. Spokes-humans for Blizzard and Legendary explained the move, stating that "if he could make the movie Bloodrayne even worse than the game, then he must surely be able to make a great game like Warcraft into an even greater movie." Market analysts believe the reaction from the gaming community will be "Dear God, please kill me now."

PITKIN, CO -- Trilateral Commission and Bilderberg assassins successfully eliminated former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay Wednesday before he could divulge any information about the global energy conspiracy. Lay was about to land a book deal in which he would let known the details of the conspiracy, which involved President Bush, DNC Chairman Howard Dean, British PM Tony Blair, Steve Balmer, Steve Jobs, and the Walton family, among others. A spokes-thing for the Trilateral Commission stated that the assassination was necessary to protect the goals of the Illuminati and New World Order. Conspiracy theory analysts predicted that stocks would be rigged to rise slightly on the news.