Breaking News: FU-News.com Stocks Soar In Dot-Com Boom!

Majority Stock Holder, Tom Adams, worth Gagillions



Stock prices soared for FU-News.com on its debut amid fervent rumors on various newsgroups and chat rooms by some Super Hunky Guy. This news comes as a surprise to several small-minded stock brokerages. Some even went so far as distract from the Dot-Com’s success with allegations that the company had not announced its intent to go public, that FU-News.com was only bought and registered that week, that two of the site’s three contributors were completely unaware of these events, and that FU-News.com offers no product or possibility of generating a profit. Majority stock holder Tom Adams calls these allegations “petty” and “distracting” while once again reminding us to “look at all this [expletive] money!!”



Even more surprising than record breaking stock prices is that majority holder Tom Adams immediately sold all of his stock within a 48 hour period of its release for several Bazillion dollars. When asked for his motivations to relinquish a controlling share of the company, Tom told us “Two words: boo tay” and made several hand gestures about his waste. He of course refers to a Tibetan Freedom Charity we believe he may have donated several tens of dollars to already. Although we were unable to understand his hand gestures, we believe it was a cultural/religious reference.



The FTC, FCC, IRS, FBI, CIA, ATF, DEA, ACLU, UCLA, AOL, MPAA, NAACP, QWERTY and several other acronyms are conducting independent, dependant, interdependent, and outer-dependant investigations of the stock release. “These investigations are simply a distraction from the real promise of my company: gonzagas!” Tom Adams said again make hand gestures, this time outward and grasping. John Ashcroft told us this morning in a press conference “No charges are being brought at this time, however, we feel it may be-” before a large bag marked with a ‘$’ was dropped on his podium. “Thank you. I have no further questions – er – comments. Thank you have a good day” he finished, his voice squeaking at the end and eyes tearing up.



Tom Adams' current monetary value is considered to be several Quiggly-Jiggly-illions in American Dollars, Bibboty-Bobboty-Boozillions in Canadian dollars, and currently there is no number name to describe his value in Mexican Pesos. David and Joseph Belland, co-creators of FU-News.com, have not yet been reached for comment or even to let them know of these events.

F.U. News Presents

The Manly Man's Survival Guide: Bath & Body Works



Recently, I was requested by my wife to take her to a Bath & Body Works store so she could by girly soaps and things. Not knowing what I was getting into, I agreed. The only thing I knew about B&BW is that's where "bath bombs" come from. My wife loves those and anything that will get her in the bath with me is a good thing in my book. So I took her there and very quickly realized the error of my ways. But some good comes from everything and based on my experiences, I am able to present to you the Manly Man's Survival Guide to Bath & Body Works, should you ever find yourself in a position where your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/sister (W/F/G/S) drags you to a B&BW.

• If at all possible, avoid ever going to a B&BW. No matter what precautions are taken, even setting foot in one will bring about the perception among some that YOU ARE GAY.
• If you absolutely must go to a B&BW, never go alone. Always bring a woman with you, even if it is a woman you must club over the head and drag in with you. This will at least partially alleviate the impression that YOU ARE GAY.
• Never, under any circumstances, go to a B&BW with another guy, even if you are accompanied by a W/F/G/S. If there is another man in the store, never make eye contact with him and maintain a minimum distance of 20 ft. from him, otherwise it will give the impression that YOU ARE GAY.
• Try to limit expeditions to B&BW to 15 minutes or less. Studies have shown that the aromas that permeate the air in the store can be absorbed by the skin and police dogs can detect the smell in your skin for up to 10 days afterwords and will know that YOU ARE GAY.
• When inside the B&BW, always maintain physical contact with your W/F/G/S. Periodically make out with her, just so everyone understands that YOU ARE NOT GAY.
• Once inside the B&BW, never panic and run out without your W/F/G/S. Everyone outside, seeing you come out alone, will think that YOU ARE GAY.
• Never hold the basket for your W/F/G/S. Not only is it best that she should have to carry it, as encouragement for her to hurry up, but if she is not carrying it, it means she can leave the store at any time, but you can't, thus stranding you in the B&BW and proving that YOU ARE GAY.
• If your W/F/G/S asks you to get a product off a shelf for her, or to put one back, do not comply as doing so will get your fingerprints, dead skin cells, or other personally identifying mark on the product. If forensic detectives ever got a hold of the product, they would be able to link it to you, and prove that YOU ARE GAY. If you ever accidentally come into contact with a product, burn it immediately. Since saliva contains DNA and is traceable to you, it is best if you don't speak at all while in the B&BW. Also, since holding one's breath for 15 minutes can be difficult, bring an oxygen tank and mask.
• If, for whatever reason, you become separated from your W/F/G/S, immediately find the closest woman to you and begin making out with her, so everyone knows that YOU ARE NOT GAY.
• Some might wear a full environmental suit when entering a B&BW, to prevent the aroma from permeating their skin, and also to prevent any traceable skin cells, saliva or fingerprints from being left behind in the B&BW. While this can help, be aware that skin cells may end up outside the suit when putting it on, and the aroma will still permeate the suit, and may be contracted from the suit when it is taken off. Also, calling attention to oneself while in the store may make you look like a drama queen and everyone will think that YOU ARE GAY.
• Never, under any circumstances, allow your W/F/G/S to purchase items using your credit card at B&BW. Your banker, upon seeing a charge for B&BW works on your credit card will laugh at you and think that YOU ARE GAY. Note this does not apply if you have a joint account with your wife, as the banker cannot prove that it was you who made the purchase and not your wife (unless there is DNA evidence in the store). If your W/F/G/S absolutley must use your card, immediately call your bank and add her on to your account.
• If, while in the B&BW, their is another man who might possibly be gay and speaks to you, looks at you, comes within 20 ft. of you, or otherwise indicates that he recognizes your existence, immediately shoot yourself. It is better than having people think that YOU ARE GAY.

Top 10 Reasons to vote for Kerry

as stated by the DNC



10. He was in Vietnam

9. He has a plan that's better than yours

8. He was in Vietnam too

7. Bush is horrible

6. Kerry was also in Vietnam

5. Bush wasn't

4. But Kerry was

3. You can't judge a man by his past 30 years

2. But you can judge a man by what he did 40 years ago in Vietnam for a few months

1. Kerry has a better plan to lead the war he doesn't think is the right war but must be won even though he thinks it can't be won but maybe could be reduced to a nuisance although it doesn't even matter since it's only a distraction from the real issues like healthcare (Edwards' fault), job loss and the quagmire Bush left us in Iraq which Kerry has a better plan to lead...

Massive Forest Fire Destroys Imperial Station, Wipes Out Native Species.

From the Imperial News Network



SANCTUARY MOON, ENDOR SYSTEM - A massive forest fire that has burned over a million acres is blamed for the destruction of an Imperial outpost, as well as wiping out a native species, in the remote Endor system. As yet, the fire is less than 10% contained, with little hope for extinguishing it in the near future. The moon is uncolonized, aside from the destroyed outpost, giving Imperial forces little reason to continue battling the blaze.



483 members of the 92nd Scout Regiment from the 276th Imperial Army Division, who were stationed on the Forest Moon, are missing and presumed dead. Only 63 soldiers were able to be evacuated on the outpost's two shuttles before the landing platform was destroyed in the fire.



The Imperial Army Corps of Engineers has been assigned the task of rebuilding the outpost and determining what caused the fire in the first place. Initial investigations link the fire to the wreckage of a crashed Speeder Bike. The charred corpse of a Scout Trooper, identified as PFC Dek Parta, was found nearby. Investigators believe that PFC Parta and his Scouting unit were "joyriding" at unsafe speeds through the forest. According to the outposts log, the platoon to which Parta belonged, commanded by SSgt. Zev Wyker, had accumulated 15 reprimands for unsafe riding in the two weeks before the fire.



According to 1st Lt. J.G. Trelgiff of the Army Corps of Engineers, "Many of these Scout Troopers get their kicks from speeding through the forest. They'll race each other to show off and prove they're hot-shots to their squadmates. Our current theory is that during one of these races, Private Parta lost control of his bike and crashed into a tree. The resulting explosion sparked a fire which has since destroyed an entire outpost and killed many Troopers."



PFC Parta's parents and brother have been arrested under Imperial law which states that family members can be held accountable for a criminal's actions, if the criminal dies while commiting the felony. They have already been sentenced to death for the murder of 483 Imperial Officers and Enlisted and will be executed immediately.



1st Lt. Trelgiff has also made a formal recommendation that the Imperial Army begin "Speeder Bike Awareness" programs, to let Scouts know the danger of riding at unsafe speeds. The Emperor has already declared a new tax to pay for the programs. Additionally, the penalty for unsafe riding has been raised. Scouts who are caught doing so will now be court-martialed and shot.



Also destroyed in the blaze was an entire village of a primitive, native species of cuddly teddy bears. According to the Imperial Alien Research Agency, this was the only place where this species lived, and it is now believed to be extinct.

Top 10h least likely video-game-based movies.

1. Ski-Free: Yeti's Revenge

2. Tomb Raider: Lara Croft Joins a Nunnery

3. The Last Free Cell

4. Minesweeper: Forbidden Voyage

5. Next to Last Fantasy

6. Microsoft Flight Simulator - 9/11

7. Doom: Rated G

8. Grand Theft Auto: Pleasantville

9. Walt Disney Presents Deer Hunter: Bambi Hunt

A. Unreal Tournament: Settling Our Differences Through Tolerance

B. Mortal Kombat: This One Doesn't Suck --OR--

C. Non-Fatal Kombat

D. Resident Kindness

E. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire: The Movie Based on the Game Based on the Book Based on The Movies

F. The Sims: Swimming Pool of Death

10. Counter-Strike: Terrorists Win

Which File Extension are You?

Which File Extension are You?

BBspot - Which File Extension Are You?





Which File Extension are You?

Horoscopes

Brought to you by a bunch of dead guys. The stars foresee that you'll be joining them shortly, so best to become familiar with them.



Aries: (March 21-April 19)

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." But that won't fly with the cops when they ask why you're holding a gun and there are dead bodies in front and behind you.



Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)

Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." What he means is "It's not how many bodies lie on the ground, but the type of ammo and gun you use."



Gemini: (May 21-June 21)

Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. And those fools said it was impossible to eat a 160 oz. steak in an hour without exploding. It turns out the fools were right.



Cancer: (June 22-July 22)

Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." He woulda been great at Doom.



Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)

According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." So obviously your life is in denial.



Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Mark Twain said "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great," but even he would belittle your ambitions for world domination. That just goes to show that he's a small person. Squish him between your fingers.



Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," according to Erin Majors. But you, the holder of the candle, will lose 70% of your skin and all the hair on your body this Thursday when you fail to detect the natural gas leak.



Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

Bern Williams claims that "The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring," but your boss still won't let you take March 21st off as "Hope Day".



Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live," says Henry David Thoreau. He obviously didn't care much for paraplegic leg amputees.



Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

From Robert Vallett you know that "The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand," but the doctor's will still turn you down when you ask for three heart transplants to be grafted on to your eyes and brain so you can know for sure whether the voices in your head are coming from unknowable, invisible aliens that follow you everywhere.



Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Deepak Chopra tells us that "In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you," but to fully realize this, you'll need a sizable electric shock to stop your heart.



Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)

"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either," said Leo Burnett. He obviously didn't share your unique problem of not knowing which way is up.

My Greatest Parking Job Ever

by Dave

Ask John Kerry



Dear John Kerry,

I've been seeing someone for about a week now, but my parent's don't think its a good idea. I met him in a Barnes & Nobles and he's fifteen years older than me but we share the same interests. My friends tell me that love knows no bounds and I want this to work. How can I convince my parents that I'm old enough to make this kind of decision myself.



In love with an older man, FL





Dear In love with an older man from the great state of Florida,



Before I answer you question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard by these hurricanes. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.



About your question, I think you hit the screw right on the head. When I was in Vietnam, I had the leadership skills to choose who to have relationships with. It doesn't matter if they are older or younger, black or white. What's important is that we are all Americans. Back where I come from we have a saying, home is where you like to be. If you are most at home with this older gentleman, then that's where your h-- that's where you like to be.



You need to convince your parents to get on board with this relationship so that you don't have to go it alone. Have quad-lateral talks between your parents and your boyfriend. This is the wrong relationship at the wrong time and in the wrong place, you have to stick through it because it's important that you make this relationship work. Try getting more parents on board to help shoulder the burden of this relationship.



I have had one position on this relationship since I was in Vietnam and that is that you have planned this relationship poorly and that I can handle this relationship better.

My Greatest Parking Job Ever

by Tom Adams