Horoscopes

Brought to you by a bunch of dead guys. The stars foresee that you'll be joining them shortly, so best to become familiar with them.



Aries: (March 21-April 19)

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." But that won't fly with the cops when they ask why you're holding a gun and there are dead bodies in front and behind you.



Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)

Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." What he means is "It's not how many bodies lie on the ground, but the type of ammo and gun you use."



Gemini: (May 21-June 21)

Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. And those fools said it was impossible to eat a 160 oz. steak in an hour without exploding. It turns out the fools were right.



Cancer: (June 22-July 22)

Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." He woulda been great at Doom.



Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)

According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." So obviously your life is in denial.



Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Mark Twain said "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great," but even he would belittle your ambitions for world domination. That just goes to show that he's a small person. Squish him between your fingers.



Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," according to Erin Majors. But you, the holder of the candle, will lose 70% of your skin and all the hair on your body this Thursday when you fail to detect the natural gas leak.



Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

Bern Williams claims that "The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring," but your boss still won't let you take March 21st off as "Hope Day".



Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live," says Henry David Thoreau. He obviously didn't care much for paraplegic leg amputees.



Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

From Robert Vallett you know that "The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand," but the doctor's will still turn you down when you ask for three heart transplants to be grafted on to your eyes and brain so you can know for sure whether the voices in your head are coming from unknowable, invisible aliens that follow you everywhere.



Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Deepak Chopra tells us that "In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you," but to fully realize this, you'll need a sizable electric shock to stop your heart.



Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)

"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either," said Leo Burnett. He obviously didn't share your unique problem of not knowing which way is up.