F.U. News Presents

The Manly Man's Survival Guide: Bath & Body Works



Recently, I was requested by my wife to take her to a Bath & Body Works store so she could by girly soaps and things. Not knowing what I was getting into, I agreed. The only thing I knew about B&BW is that's where "bath bombs" come from. My wife loves those and anything that will get her in the bath with me is a good thing in my book. So I took her there and very quickly realized the error of my ways. But some good comes from everything and based on my experiences, I am able to present to you the Manly Man's Survival Guide to Bath & Body Works, should you ever find yourself in a position where your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/sister (W/F/G/S) drags you to a B&BW.

• If at all possible, avoid ever going to a B&BW. No matter what precautions are taken, even setting foot in one will bring about the perception among some that YOU ARE GAY.
• If you absolutely must go to a B&BW, never go alone. Always bring a woman with you, even if it is a woman you must club over the head and drag in with you. This will at least partially alleviate the impression that YOU ARE GAY.
• Never, under any circumstances, go to a B&BW with another guy, even if you are accompanied by a W/F/G/S. If there is another man in the store, never make eye contact with him and maintain a minimum distance of 20 ft. from him, otherwise it will give the impression that YOU ARE GAY.
• Try to limit expeditions to B&BW to 15 minutes or less. Studies have shown that the aromas that permeate the air in the store can be absorbed by the skin and police dogs can detect the smell in your skin for up to 10 days afterwords and will know that YOU ARE GAY.
• When inside the B&BW, always maintain physical contact with your W/F/G/S. Periodically make out with her, just so everyone understands that YOU ARE NOT GAY.
• Once inside the B&BW, never panic and run out without your W/F/G/S. Everyone outside, seeing you come out alone, will think that YOU ARE GAY.
• Never hold the basket for your W/F/G/S. Not only is it best that she should have to carry it, as encouragement for her to hurry up, but if she is not carrying it, it means she can leave the store at any time, but you can't, thus stranding you in the B&BW and proving that YOU ARE GAY.
• If your W/F/G/S asks you to get a product off a shelf for her, or to put one back, do not comply as doing so will get your fingerprints, dead skin cells, or other personally identifying mark on the product. If forensic detectives ever got a hold of the product, they would be able to link it to you, and prove that YOU ARE GAY. If you ever accidentally come into contact with a product, burn it immediately. Since saliva contains DNA and is traceable to you, it is best if you don't speak at all while in the B&BW. Also, since holding one's breath for 15 minutes can be difficult, bring an oxygen tank and mask.
• If, for whatever reason, you become separated from your W/F/G/S, immediately find the closest woman to you and begin making out with her, so everyone knows that YOU ARE NOT GAY.
• Some might wear a full environmental suit when entering a B&BW, to prevent the aroma from permeating their skin, and also to prevent any traceable skin cells, saliva or fingerprints from being left behind in the B&BW. While this can help, be aware that skin cells may end up outside the suit when putting it on, and the aroma will still permeate the suit, and may be contracted from the suit when it is taken off. Also, calling attention to oneself while in the store may make you look like a drama queen and everyone will think that YOU ARE GAY.
• Never, under any circumstances, allow your W/F/G/S to purchase items using your credit card at B&BW. Your banker, upon seeing a charge for B&BW works on your credit card will laugh at you and think that YOU ARE GAY. Note this does not apply if you have a joint account with your wife, as the banker cannot prove that it was you who made the purchase and not your wife (unless there is DNA evidence in the store). If your W/F/G/S absolutley must use your card, immediately call your bank and add her on to your account.
• If, while in the B&BW, their is another man who might possibly be gay and speaks to you, looks at you, comes within 20 ft. of you, or otherwise indicates that he recognizes your existence, immediately shoot yourself. It is better than having people think that YOU ARE GAY.