--Breaking News--
Nation's Capitol Under Attack!
WASHINGTON, D.C. - We come to you now, live with footage from our nation's capitol building.
GAAAH!
Ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the picture but what we've seen speaks for itself. The US Capitol building has apparently been attacked, conquered if you will, by a master race of flying martian UFOs. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Congressmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them. The martians will soon be here.
And I for one welcome our new alien overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted online news source, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground factories.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Readership of F.U. News Doubles!
LONG BEACH, CA - Readership of edgy and intellectual internet news site F.U. News by those not related to or close friends with the authors has doubled over the last week.
The increase came at 10:42am on March 24th, when a poster, identifying himself only as "Wirthy" left a comment after an article posted on this finest source of news.
Reflecting the increased readership, shares of fu-news.com soared to $52 Oogly-boogly-illion dollars.
LONG BEACH, CA - Readership of edgy and intellectual internet news site F.U. News by those not related to or close friends with the authors has doubled over the last week.
The increase came at 10:42am on March 24th, when a poster, identifying himself only as "Wirthy" left a comment after an article posted on this finest source of news.
Reflecting the increased readership, shares of fu-news.com soared to $52 Oogly-boogly-illion dollars.
Judge Greer Orders Removal of Pope's Feeding Tube
VATICAN CITY - Florida District Court Judge George Greer has ordered the removal of Pope John Paul II's feeding tube. The tube was inserted yesterday to help the Pontiff stay nourished during his recovery from his recent illness.
The ruling follows a suit from attorney George Felos asking for the Popes feeding tube to be removed, claiming that "he had stated in a casual conversation I once had with him that he did not want to live this way." Felos goes on to state that "it's beneath the dignity of any human being to live. This is something that the Pope recognized and had stated before."
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith argued the case against the removal of the feeding tube. "It has been John Paul II's teaching on numerous occasions that every human being has a right to life and it is immoral to deprive one of basic care, such as food and water."
Judge Greer threw out Cardinal Ratzinger's testimony, citing the seperation of church and state, saying that the teachings of one religion could not be used to determine if some one wished to live or die. "The evidence that Ratzinger presents for why the pope would wish to be kept alive artificially is invalid, since he was too old to make life or death decisions at the time of making those teachings.
[Author's note: Sorry this isn't very funny. I'm just too angry at this point to write something humorous.]
VATICAN CITY - Florida District Court Judge George Greer has ordered the removal of Pope John Paul II's feeding tube. The tube was inserted yesterday to help the Pontiff stay nourished during his recovery from his recent illness.
The ruling follows a suit from attorney George Felos asking for the Popes feeding tube to be removed, claiming that "he had stated in a casual conversation I once had with him that he did not want to live this way." Felos goes on to state that "it's beneath the dignity of any human being to live. This is something that the Pope recognized and had stated before."
Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith argued the case against the removal of the feeding tube. "It has been John Paul II's teaching on numerous occasions that every human being has a right to life and it is immoral to deprive one of basic care, such as food and water."
Judge Greer threw out Cardinal Ratzinger's testimony, citing the seperation of church and state, saying that the teachings of one religion could not be used to determine if some one wished to live or die. "The evidence that Ratzinger presents for why the pope would wish to be kept alive artificially is invalid, since he was too old to make life or death decisions at the time of making those teachings.
[Author's note: Sorry this isn't very funny. I'm just too angry at this point to write something humorous.]
Genius of the Day/Week/Month
I thought I might provide something to offset all the idiots I keep linking to. I thought this was good: The case for nuclear power.
I promise I'll have a real post with actual content soon.
I thought I might provide something to offset all the idiots I keep linking to. I thought this was good: The case for nuclear power.
I promise I'll have a real post with actual content soon.
A third round o hellos
From Hit, Iraq
Cpl Adams, USMC
Hey Bethany!
I am so glad you wrote me. Ileana's phone # by the way is (740) 424-0238. Thanks for having all your students write me, I've got little replies for them below. Its good to hear your life is going well. That's escpeially cool that Emily might be moving out there with Nick and then you cann all have one big SOL reunion every day. Ileana and I will definitly have to drop by. Do I need anything? well... now that you mention it... I actually wrote up a huge list of stuff I need/want on fu-news.com and adamsfamilymagazine.blogspot.com but lots of people are sending me stuff. By the way the f and d on this keyboard are stuck so this letter might be missing some. Yes, I am running a dating service but you aint getting anybody till you send me pictures o yourself. Then you get first picks. And that goes for all SOL gals! Emily and Nick, you can send pics too just to make me happy, please. Thanks so much for the prayers Bethany, and I'm still praying for you.
Hey Sydney,
Thanks for praying for me. I hope you don't think that old lady down the street is mean because she smokes. Everybody here smokes, except me. I think they do it cause their are stressed out. Do you swim there when its cold out? My girlfriend, Ileana, knew people in the Polar Bear club that swim in the cold. I think they are nuts! There are lots of good things happening all the time here. We caught a bad guy a few days ago and the kids here are really cool and love us. These kids are also really good at soccer and could probably beat all of us at it. No, I don't have a nightmares here, I just have dreams of being home with Ileana, and then wake up to a bunch of smelly guys crammed in the same room as me. What a bummer. Me and all the Marines here are pretty good friends, I even have friends in the Navy here. They are our doctors and help us out all the time. We have got a couple hurt a while ago, but they're good now. Thanks for the letter and keep praying for me.
Hey Brianna,
Thanks for writing and praying for me too. I really appreciate it, and I'm doin good because of it. I was really happy to see I got mail and was pretty supprised when it came from you! We are all doing pretty good over here. Its starting to get really hot now this time of year and can reach up to 140 degrees eventually! I left a list of things that we need on a website at fu-news.com and at familyadamsmagazine.blogspot.com. Why don't you ask Bethany Croteau, your seriously hot teacher (admit it she's beautiful even if you are a girl), to print it out for you. It lists things like socks and snacks and stuff. Thank you so much for the letter, again, Brianna. Keep prayin for us.
Hey Andrew,
I used to listen to Rush all the time before I came here. I'm a huge ditto head! That is so cool that you listen to him their. My really hot girlfriend, Ileana, mailed me a copy of "The Way Things Ought To Be" by Limbaugh and its a really good book. You should read it, get it out of the library, if you get the chance. I bet the librarian will look at you funny though.
The Iraqi adults, some like us, some don't, some are indifferent. The kids though love us. I love the kids here, they love it when we come by and wave all the time. I believe when the current generation dies out, and the kids grown up (like when I'm an old man) this country might be awesome. Seriously, like in a way that completly chnges the entire middle east and in turn the world. This place might become the next super power if these kids embrace freedom like it looks like they do.
I wouldn't join any other service because I love the Marine Corps too much. But if I had to... I guess the air force cause I love computers and the air force has lots of technology. The marine corps is still the toughest though. :)
It doesn't really matter if I agree or not with President Bush's choice to send us here because asa good Marine, I do what I'm told whether its a good idea or a bad one. (But secretly as a us citizen, yes I do agree).
I stay in a 2 story building that used to house Iraqi troops I think. I'm right next to the Euphrates river (ask your history teacher about the "fertile crescent") near a town called Hit (pronounced heet). I sleep in a room with about 40 other guys packed in it, so there is not a lot of room. Thanks for asking, and thanks for the letter and the prayers!
Hey Katie,
Thanks for the letter and the prayers. Trust me, we need it. You are right, one man can't do it alone. I'm witha team of 40 other guys that do security over the highways and search for the bad guys. We run some pretty late shifts sometimes (not normally though) we work for 36 hours without sleep. It can get pretty crazy out here, but we got lots of guys to support us out here, like the cooks who I would go crazy were it not for them and the good food they've been feeding us. Not to mention the army has helped us out alot too because they loaned us a shower tent so we don't all smell so bad any more. So you are right, one person can't do it alone. They'd go nuts if they even tried. Keep prayin for us and that we don't get hurt out here because all the dumb bad guys are already dead. The only ones left are the smart ones and we need our guardian angels to help us out while we find those guys and make this place safer for everyone. Thanks again Katie!
Hey Spencer,
Cool name. It sounds really professional and tough like "Attention on deck! Good evening Lieutenant Colonel Spencer". Are you named after any one in particular? Is there a saint Spencer? Cool stuff. Anyhow, yeah, I hate being away from my wife Ileana. She's really cool to party with, watch movies with and just generally be lazy with. Out here I got to work with a bunch of irritable smelly guys that don't look nearly as cute as my wife does... Yeah, I don't think its the shave either. I think most of these guys got hit with the ugly stick a while ago, or maybe I just like girls too much. Like your teacher, Ms Croteau. Tell me she ain't a hottie. Ask her out on a date. Thanks for writing me and praying for me, cause I need it. I hope that some time I can come by and visit you and your class when I get back. Tell Bethany, I mean Ms Croteau I said hi. Thanks again, Spencer. Cool name.
Hey Brendan,
I love Baseball! I don't like Basketball as much because everytime I play, people always change the rules and make up rules. But I love baseball. I actually organized and started the first baseball team at my highschool. I'm not very good at it though, I usually just play right field. But it doesn't matter as much as long as you love to play it. Is it scary here in Iraq? Not really scary as sometimes stressful when we are hunting down the bad guys. I was kinda bummed when they sent me overseas because I was separated from my main squeeze, Ileana, the hottest woman in the world after Bethany Croteau. But I knew it had to ocme and I was glad that I was finally fulfilling a part of my life, defending this country. What do I miss most? Well, Ileana, Mt Dew, Doritos, sitting on my butt, playing on the computer, baseball, fresh not stinky air, beautiful girls like Bethany Croteau, not wearing heavy body armor, doing whatever I want, money, and (drumroll please)... Going to church on Sunday! Man I miss church. We get it every so often and almost never on a sunday. We celebrated easter on a wednesday here because the islamic terrorists hate catholic priests so we have to move him around with secrecy. That stinks. Go to confession whenever you can, cause I can't and it stinks. Pray for me too. Thanks so much Brendan.
Hey Sarah,
Thanks you so much for the letter and the picture you drew! Do I like to be on the first line to fight? YES! I would rather being doing this knowing that I am actually getting rid of the bad guys than sitting back somewhere doing paper work for 6 months away from my really hot date, Ileana. It is a little stressful, but I know that there is a good reason that I'm here and not home. If I was just doing paper work or something, I'd feel like this was all just a waste of time. and I love the chance to support our country and know that when I come home I earned all the cool things that I'll be able to do. When I sit on my couch, hugging my wife, eating chips, drinking Mt Dew and watching Star Wars or when I go running outside with my wife and playing baseball, I know that I earned that right to do those things and it makes those things that much more fun. Thanks so much for asking Sarah. Thanks so much also for the letter. Please pray for me too. Ask your guardian angel too if she has any time off, see if she can help my guardian angel out cause my guardian angel is working overtime helping me.
Hey Samantha,
Thank you so much for the letter and the prayers. Did I enjoy school when I was your age? Believe it or not, I was homeschooled until 7th grade, and (no offense Mom) no I did not enjoy school then. I did enjoy school from 7-9th, but then highschoolers became too mean and it was lame hanging out with all the stuck up teenagers. College was awesome though because I met some of the coolest friends of my life like Bethany, your smokin hot teacher. I didn't have cool teachers like her in highschool either. My mom of course is cool, but I couldn't stand the homework. She gave me a lot! Hang in there though, your teacher is awesome and you only have a few more years before college, or a job, a family or something. Everything gets better later on. Trust me, I'm happier here in Iraq than I was in highschool! Life gets better like wine I guess, to borrow an anology from the bible or somewhere. The older you get, the better it is. Hope you enjoy highschool though, and keep me in your prayers. Thanks so much for writing.
Hey Jason,
Wow, that's a lot of thank you's. Thank you for writing. I enjoy serving here, I just wish the weather was more like home. It'll be getting pretty hot here soon, like 140 degrees or so. I'm glad you think one person can make a difference, trust me I know. We've had a couple of guys make an awesome difference for us here and I like to think that I'm helping out too. We have caught some bad guys so I know we are definitly making th place better for everyone. I am learning a lot about this country and I think that the whole world can become a much better place when some day the Iraqi children here grow up and take power, because these kids love us and love freedom. You should see how awesome these kids are here. They make our days better when they wave or when we seem them playing soccer. Its the old guys that are the ones who don't like us. Oh well, they can't live forever. Thank you so much for the letter and please pray for me cause we need the help here. I hope to see you and your friends then when I get back.
And to everyone else in Ms. Croteau's class, you have a hot teacher. All of your older brothers want to date her. Heck, I bet some of you do too. I wish I could see you all and I wish I had more time to write you all. But time is limited here. SO good bye, God bless, and keep prayin for us.
From Hit, Iraq
Cpl Adams, USMC
Hey Bethany!
I am so glad you wrote me. Ileana's phone # by the way is (740) 424-0238. Thanks for having all your students write me, I've got little replies for them below. Its good to hear your life is going well. That's escpeially cool that Emily might be moving out there with Nick and then you cann all have one big SOL reunion every day. Ileana and I will definitly have to drop by. Do I need anything? well... now that you mention it... I actually wrote up a huge list of stuff I need/want on fu-news.com and adamsfamilymagazine.blogspot.com but lots of people are sending me stuff. By the way the f and d on this keyboard are stuck so this letter might be missing some. Yes, I am running a dating service but you aint getting anybody till you send me pictures o yourself. Then you get first picks. And that goes for all SOL gals! Emily and Nick, you can send pics too just to make me happy, please. Thanks so much for the prayers Bethany, and I'm still praying for you.
Hey Sydney,
Thanks for praying for me. I hope you don't think that old lady down the street is mean because she smokes. Everybody here smokes, except me. I think they do it cause their are stressed out. Do you swim there when its cold out? My girlfriend, Ileana, knew people in the Polar Bear club that swim in the cold. I think they are nuts! There are lots of good things happening all the time here. We caught a bad guy a few days ago and the kids here are really cool and love us. These kids are also really good at soccer and could probably beat all of us at it. No, I don't have a nightmares here, I just have dreams of being home with Ileana, and then wake up to a bunch of smelly guys crammed in the same room as me. What a bummer. Me and all the Marines here are pretty good friends, I even have friends in the Navy here. They are our doctors and help us out all the time. We have got a couple hurt a while ago, but they're good now. Thanks for the letter and keep praying for me.
Hey Brianna,
Thanks for writing and praying for me too. I really appreciate it, and I'm doin good because of it. I was really happy to see I got mail and was pretty supprised when it came from you! We are all doing pretty good over here. Its starting to get really hot now this time of year and can reach up to 140 degrees eventually! I left a list of things that we need on a website at fu-news.com and at familyadamsmagazine.blogspot.com. Why don't you ask Bethany Croteau, your seriously hot teacher (admit it she's beautiful even if you are a girl), to print it out for you. It lists things like socks and snacks and stuff. Thank you so much for the letter, again, Brianna. Keep prayin for us.
Hey Andrew,
I used to listen to Rush all the time before I came here. I'm a huge ditto head! That is so cool that you listen to him their. My really hot girlfriend, Ileana, mailed me a copy of "The Way Things Ought To Be" by Limbaugh and its a really good book. You should read it, get it out of the library, if you get the chance. I bet the librarian will look at you funny though.
The Iraqi adults, some like us, some don't, some are indifferent. The kids though love us. I love the kids here, they love it when we come by and wave all the time. I believe when the current generation dies out, and the kids grown up (like when I'm an old man) this country might be awesome. Seriously, like in a way that completly chnges the entire middle east and in turn the world. This place might become the next super power if these kids embrace freedom like it looks like they do.
I wouldn't join any other service because I love the Marine Corps too much. But if I had to... I guess the air force cause I love computers and the air force has lots of technology. The marine corps is still the toughest though. :)
It doesn't really matter if I agree or not with President Bush's choice to send us here because asa good Marine, I do what I'm told whether its a good idea or a bad one. (But secretly as a us citizen, yes I do agree).
I stay in a 2 story building that used to house Iraqi troops I think. I'm right next to the Euphrates river (ask your history teacher about the "fertile crescent") near a town called Hit (pronounced heet). I sleep in a room with about 40 other guys packed in it, so there is not a lot of room. Thanks for asking, and thanks for the letter and the prayers!
Hey Katie,
Thanks for the letter and the prayers. Trust me, we need it. You are right, one man can't do it alone. I'm witha team of 40 other guys that do security over the highways and search for the bad guys. We run some pretty late shifts sometimes (not normally though) we work for 36 hours without sleep. It can get pretty crazy out here, but we got lots of guys to support us out here, like the cooks who I would go crazy were it not for them and the good food they've been feeding us. Not to mention the army has helped us out alot too because they loaned us a shower tent so we don't all smell so bad any more. So you are right, one person can't do it alone. They'd go nuts if they even tried. Keep prayin for us and that we don't get hurt out here because all the dumb bad guys are already dead. The only ones left are the smart ones and we need our guardian angels to help us out while we find those guys and make this place safer for everyone. Thanks again Katie!
Hey Spencer,
Cool name. It sounds really professional and tough like "Attention on deck! Good evening Lieutenant Colonel Spencer". Are you named after any one in particular? Is there a saint Spencer? Cool stuff. Anyhow, yeah, I hate being away from my wife Ileana. She's really cool to party with, watch movies with and just generally be lazy with. Out here I got to work with a bunch of irritable smelly guys that don't look nearly as cute as my wife does... Yeah, I don't think its the shave either. I think most of these guys got hit with the ugly stick a while ago, or maybe I just like girls too much. Like your teacher, Ms Croteau. Tell me she ain't a hottie. Ask her out on a date. Thanks for writing me and praying for me, cause I need it. I hope that some time I can come by and visit you and your class when I get back. Tell Bethany, I mean Ms Croteau I said hi. Thanks again, Spencer. Cool name.
Hey Brendan,
I love Baseball! I don't like Basketball as much because everytime I play, people always change the rules and make up rules. But I love baseball. I actually organized and started the first baseball team at my highschool. I'm not very good at it though, I usually just play right field. But it doesn't matter as much as long as you love to play it. Is it scary here in Iraq? Not really scary as sometimes stressful when we are hunting down the bad guys. I was kinda bummed when they sent me overseas because I was separated from my main squeeze, Ileana, the hottest woman in the world after Bethany Croteau. But I knew it had to ocme and I was glad that I was finally fulfilling a part of my life, defending this country. What do I miss most? Well, Ileana, Mt Dew, Doritos, sitting on my butt, playing on the computer, baseball, fresh not stinky air, beautiful girls like Bethany Croteau, not wearing heavy body armor, doing whatever I want, money, and (drumroll please)... Going to church on Sunday! Man I miss church. We get it every so often and almost never on a sunday. We celebrated easter on a wednesday here because the islamic terrorists hate catholic priests so we have to move him around with secrecy. That stinks. Go to confession whenever you can, cause I can't and it stinks. Pray for me too. Thanks so much Brendan.
Hey Sarah,
Thanks you so much for the letter and the picture you drew! Do I like to be on the first line to fight? YES! I would rather being doing this knowing that I am actually getting rid of the bad guys than sitting back somewhere doing paper work for 6 months away from my really hot date, Ileana. It is a little stressful, but I know that there is a good reason that I'm here and not home. If I was just doing paper work or something, I'd feel like this was all just a waste of time. and I love the chance to support our country and know that when I come home I earned all the cool things that I'll be able to do. When I sit on my couch, hugging my wife, eating chips, drinking Mt Dew and watching Star Wars or when I go running outside with my wife and playing baseball, I know that I earned that right to do those things and it makes those things that much more fun. Thanks so much for asking Sarah. Thanks so much also for the letter. Please pray for me too. Ask your guardian angel too if she has any time off, see if she can help my guardian angel out cause my guardian angel is working overtime helping me.
Hey Samantha,
Thank you so much for the letter and the prayers. Did I enjoy school when I was your age? Believe it or not, I was homeschooled until 7th grade, and (no offense Mom) no I did not enjoy school then. I did enjoy school from 7-9th, but then highschoolers became too mean and it was lame hanging out with all the stuck up teenagers. College was awesome though because I met some of the coolest friends of my life like Bethany, your smokin hot teacher. I didn't have cool teachers like her in highschool either. My mom of course is cool, but I couldn't stand the homework. She gave me a lot! Hang in there though, your teacher is awesome and you only have a few more years before college, or a job, a family or something. Everything gets better later on. Trust me, I'm happier here in Iraq than I was in highschool! Life gets better like wine I guess, to borrow an anology from the bible or somewhere. The older you get, the better it is. Hope you enjoy highschool though, and keep me in your prayers. Thanks so much for writing.
Hey Jason,
Wow, that's a lot of thank you's. Thank you for writing. I enjoy serving here, I just wish the weather was more like home. It'll be getting pretty hot here soon, like 140 degrees or so. I'm glad you think one person can make a difference, trust me I know. We've had a couple of guys make an awesome difference for us here and I like to think that I'm helping out too. We have caught some bad guys so I know we are definitly making th place better for everyone. I am learning a lot about this country and I think that the whole world can become a much better place when some day the Iraqi children here grow up and take power, because these kids love us and love freedom. You should see how awesome these kids are here. They make our days better when they wave or when we seem them playing soccer. Its the old guys that are the ones who don't like us. Oh well, they can't live forever. Thank you so much for the letter and please pray for me cause we need the help here. I hope to see you and your friends then when I get back.
And to everyone else in Ms. Croteau's class, you have a hot teacher. All of your older brothers want to date her. Heck, I bet some of you do too. I wish I could see you all and I wish I had more time to write you all. But time is limited here. SO good bye, God bless, and keep prayin for us.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
And now a second round of Hello's from Iraq
SOL gals, miss you all. Thanks so much for mailing me.
Leigh, I am so happy to here you and Jon are engaged! That is so awesome. Wish I could have seen the look on your face. I hope to be back in the US by the wedding date, somewhere around September actually. Can't wait to see you again, and I'm still prayin for you. Thanks for prayin for me.
Annemarie Nuzzo, thanks so much for writing me. Glad to hear from new SOL gals. Happy to hear you are still keeping up the tradition of dating CTL guys, but are you gals keeping up the tradition of being the most beautiful gals on campus like my generation of SOL gals? Tell Tommy "Mario" that I said hi and to tell his brother Dan I said hi. I haven't seen Dan Thimmons in a long time. Tell Andrew "Longhorn" I said hi as well and glad to hear is is still in that area.
Amanda Leaderstorf thanks for writing me also. Do you kow which battalion your boyfriend is in? Is it 3/25 India Co (3rd Battalion, 25th Marines)? If it is, I'm in the same area as him. I might even be able to see him and say hi. Let me know. Thank you gals so much for your prayers. It shows, trust me. Keep sacrificing and I'll keep conquering. Can't wait to see you all some day when I get back. Hopefully at Leigh's wedding!
CTL guys, write me darn you! Miss you guys too.
Cari Carpenter and Sam Burud, thaks so much for the letters especially the Thomas More teachings, Sam. It is some good inspiration for me. That was a pretty funny virii story too Cari. I liked how you saved the day by killing your computer. Glad to hear you two started taking that class on Valentine's day. Ain't that just the craziest class? Interesting stuff and I'll bet it makes you anxious. I loved it.
Jessi and Georden, thanks so much for the letter and the Holy metal from St ANthony (That was from you right? If it wasn't thanks to whoever gave that to me). Tell Georden I miss the him, the son I never had. That kid rocks for any of you who don't know who he is. Hope you get a chance to see my house when you go down for Cari's wedding.
Josh ad Mary Thelen, thanks so much for the deer jerky and cookies (they were chocalte chip, not deer cookies for those of you in Rio Linda). Thanks so much for the pics to, please send more. Its so awesome to see you guys ad to know you guys are keeping Ileana's spirits up while I'm gone. I'll trade weapons stories with you Josh when I get back. Let me just tell you that I get to man a 50 cal machie gun and an automatic grenade launcher on a regular basis.
Sam T Sham and Maureen, hope you liked the camis. Thanks so much for the cards too and tell the Tri state marines that 3/25 Kilo Co is making them proud. We are doing a kick ass job out here and appreciate all the support you guys give us. Sign to Maureen that I miss her ad appreciate the card you guys gave.
Luciana, great to hear from you. The pics and the prayer cards were awesome. Europe is gorgeous as oppossed to this poop hole. Keep me posted on how you and John are doing and what you are doing after graduation.
Devin, thanks so much for writing. Didn't know you were back from Iraq. Sorry I didn't write you out there. I don't know where you were but we are in western Iraq in a pretty desolate area. DOn't know how much I can type about on this thing without them busting my balls for giving out classified info. Thanks for the prayers and motiviation, man. I hope to see you when I get back.
Anyone that sees anyone that I mentioned here, please let them know that I wrote them and how to read this. I miss all you guys including the unmentioned here, and can't wait to see you all when I get back. Please contnue to pray for me cause I need all the help I can get. Call Ileana (740) 424-0238 for my mailling address.
Cpl Adams, out.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
ROFLMAO!!!11!1
Watch this: http://starwars.com/flash/ep3/trailer2.html
Then this: http://nuar.lunarpages.com/video/SW_mirrors.htm
If your response to the second one is "I don't get it" then you are normal. If your response is "OMG! ROFL! That r0X0rz and is teh 0wn!!!11!" then you are L337.
Watch this: http://starwars.com/flash/ep3/trailer2.html
Then this: http://nuar.lunarpages.com/video/SW_mirrors.htm
If your response to the second one is "I don't get it" then you are normal. If your response is "OMG! ROFL! That r0X0rz and is teh 0wn!!!11!" then you are L337.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Fire Fighters Rescue Child From Burning Building
Called "Despicable Act" by Atty. George Felos
TAMPA, FL - Local Firefighters entered a burning building to rescue a 5-year-old boy that had been trapped when a section of the roof collapsed, Friday morning. Fire Chief Jim Bravura told reporters that the boy was in stable condition at the hospital, where he was being treated for minor burns and smoke inhalation.
The fire started around 3am, due to causes under investigation. A smoke alarm alerted the boys parents, who evacuated the house immediately. They used a neighboor's phone to call 911 to report the fire. Shortly thereafter, the mother realized her son was still inside the house. The parents were unable to re-enter the house, as the front door had been blocked by burning debris.
The Tampa Bay fire department arrived on the scene, and learning from the parents that the boy was still inside, four members of the department entered the house to rescue the boy. They emerged a few minutes later with the boy, who was unconscious and unable to breathe. Fortunately, a fire department EMT was able to succesfully perform CPR and revive the boy.
George Felos, attorney for Michael Schiavo, called the fire department's actions "despicable". "To think that your child or loved-one could be at home in bed, and a fireman can break down a door, forcing his way in, and drag your loved one out against their will is absolutely shocking and the lowest, just the lowest type of strong-arming," Felos was quoted as saying.
Felos continued, "The boy had made it clear that he did not wish to live without his favorite toy, which had been destroyed in the fire. It is disgusting that these firemen broke their way into a family's home, which is their private space and should not be intruded on by any government entity, and dragged the boy out, against his obvious wishes."
"What is most heinous," continued Felos, "is that not one of those firefighters would ever, ever submit their own family members to the indignity and illegalities shown on this poor boy, yet for their own gain as 'community heros' they can do it to him."
Called "Despicable Act" by Atty. George Felos
TAMPA, FL - Local Firefighters entered a burning building to rescue a 5-year-old boy that had been trapped when a section of the roof collapsed, Friday morning. Fire Chief Jim Bravura told reporters that the boy was in stable condition at the hospital, where he was being treated for minor burns and smoke inhalation.
The fire started around 3am, due to causes under investigation. A smoke alarm alerted the boys parents, who evacuated the house immediately. They used a neighboor's phone to call 911 to report the fire. Shortly thereafter, the mother realized her son was still inside the house. The parents were unable to re-enter the house, as the front door had been blocked by burning debris.
The Tampa Bay fire department arrived on the scene, and learning from the parents that the boy was still inside, four members of the department entered the house to rescue the boy. They emerged a few minutes later with the boy, who was unconscious and unable to breathe. Fortunately, a fire department EMT was able to succesfully perform CPR and revive the boy.
George Felos, attorney for Michael Schiavo, called the fire department's actions "despicable". "To think that your child or loved-one could be at home in bed, and a fireman can break down a door, forcing his way in, and drag your loved one out against their will is absolutely shocking and the lowest, just the lowest type of strong-arming," Felos was quoted as saying.
Felos continued, "The boy had made it clear that he did not wish to live without his favorite toy, which had been destroyed in the fire. It is disgusting that these firemen broke their way into a family's home, which is their private space and should not be intruded on by any government entity, and dragged the boy out, against his obvious wishes."
"What is most heinous," continued Felos, "is that not one of those firefighters would ever, ever submit their own family members to the indignity and illegalities shown on this poor boy, yet for their own gain as 'community heros' they can do it to him."
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Ask A Marine On Post For Too Long In Iraq
Dear Marine On Post for Too Long In Iraq
I'm 19, and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since we got settled in our new home, he has invited his friends over on a daily basis. It's not just one or two, Marine On Post for Too Long In Iraq; he has six to nine people stopping by every day to hang out, watch movies and even eat dinner with us.
I have tried expressing to him that I'd like to be asked before these people are invited. He'll comply occasionally, but most of the time I come home and find three people lounging in our living room like they own the place. His response when I get upset is, "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?"
There are nights when I want to come home, put my feet up, and read a book in peace and quiet, or better yet, spend time just with him. How can I communicate this without making him defensive? -- CROWDED OUT IN MINNESOTA
Huh? Yeah. No, go on I was listening. I agree. Uh, I mean, uh, it doesn't matter that much to me. I guess I could go either way. Uh... Hey did you here that noise? No?... Oh, I'm gona go make a head call.
Dear Marine On Post for Too Long In Iraq
I'm 19, and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since we got settled in our new home, he has invited his friends over on a daily basis. It's not just one or two, Marine On Post for Too Long In Iraq; he has six to nine people stopping by every day to hang out, watch movies and even eat dinner with us.
I have tried expressing to him that I'd like to be asked before these people are invited. He'll comply occasionally, but most of the time I come home and find three people lounging in our living room like they own the place. His response when I get upset is, "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?"
There are nights when I want to come home, put my feet up, and read a book in peace and quiet, or better yet, spend time just with him. How can I communicate this without making him defensive? -- CROWDED OUT IN MINNESOTA
Huh? Yeah. No, go on I was listening. I agree. Uh, I mean, uh, it doesn't matter that much to me. I guess I could go either way. Uh... Hey did you here that noise? No?... Oh, I'm gona go make a head call.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Ask A Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq
Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq
My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his --
This is Tater Salad. Send your traffic.
Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq
My 25-year-old son, "Mi ive-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged . They met in college, she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first . But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mit work every day. Then he worked, and they began having day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for when she and I were been than 10 years -- but Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm -son talk about the path Mitch seems to I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET
Papa Papa India Papa, you are coming in broken and unreadable. Say again your last. Over.
My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his live-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged, and I'm really worried. They met in college, where Mimi admits she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch took a job in another state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first she had her own apartment. But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mitch drove her to and from work every day. Then she got a job where he worked, and they began having lunch together every day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own in a state where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just can't manage to cook," so they either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my son is lean, outgoing, into sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and lethargic. She constantly complains about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. Mitch's mother was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for him in his early years when she and I were married -- we have been divorced for more than 10 years -- but never to this extent. Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery and pain-killers because she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm desperate to have a father-son talk about the path Mitch seems to be heading down, but I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET
Roger, that's a solid copy Papa Papa India Papa. Break. Standby for freq hop. Drop to TAC 2 and standby for reply. Over.
Papa Papa India Papa this is Tater Salad, radio check. Over.
Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa, radio check. Over.
Tater Salad to Birddog, this is a secure net. Take your traffic to TAC 1. Over.
This is Tater Salad, Hamhock. Send your traffic. Over.
Negative, negative. Need to send sec rep to Papa Papa India Papa on this TAC. Break.
Will be off your TAC in fife mikes.
Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa. Over.
Standby for rep. Break.
Be advised I am an unqualified JTAC. Could you supply a heading and distance to Mike India Mike India? Over.
Relay to Mike India Tango Charlie Hotel the following sit rep. Break.
Size One Obese Enemy in the open. Break.
Activity none. Break.
Location your couch in front of your Tango Victor. Break.
Unit soon to be ex girlfriend. Break.
Time niner mikes from my mark. Break.
Equipment fork and knife. Break.
Standby for fire mission. Break.
Mission designator jibbletsngravy. Break.
With fully loaded boot. Break.
0 mils to front door. Break.
Enemy arse in the open. Break.
Fire for effect. Over.
Will standby for sit rep. Over.
Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq
My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his --
This is Tater Salad. Send your traffic.
Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq
My 25-year-old son, "Mi ive-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged . They met in college, she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first . But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mit work every day. Then he worked, and they began having day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for when she and I were been than 10 years -- but Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm -son talk about the path Mitch seems to I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET
Papa Papa India Papa, you are coming in broken and unreadable. Say again your last. Over.
My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his live-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged, and I'm really worried. They met in college, where Mimi admits she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch took a job in another state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first she had her own apartment. But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mitch drove her to and from work every day. Then she got a job where he worked, and they began having lunch together every day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own in a state where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just can't manage to cook," so they either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my son is lean, outgoing, into sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and lethargic. She constantly complains about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. Mitch's mother was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for him in his early years when she and I were married -- we have been divorced for more than 10 years -- but never to this extent. Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery and pain-killers because she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm desperate to have a father-son talk about the path Mitch seems to be heading down, but I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET
Roger, that's a solid copy Papa Papa India Papa. Break. Standby for freq hop. Drop to TAC 2 and standby for reply. Over.
Papa Papa India Papa this is Tater Salad, radio check. Over.
Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa, radio check. Over.
Tater Salad to Birddog, this is a secure net. Take your traffic to TAC 1. Over.
This is Tater Salad, Hamhock. Send your traffic. Over.
Negative, negative. Need to send sec rep to Papa Papa India Papa on this TAC. Break.
Will be off your TAC in fife mikes.
Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa. Over.
Standby for rep. Break.
Be advised I am an unqualified JTAC. Could you supply a heading and distance to Mike India Mike India? Over.
Relay to Mike India Tango Charlie Hotel the following sit rep. Break.
Size One Obese Enemy in the open. Break.
Activity none. Break.
Location your couch in front of your Tango Victor. Break.
Unit soon to be ex girlfriend. Break.
Time niner mikes from my mark. Break.
Equipment fork and knife. Break.
Standby for fire mission. Break.
Mission designator jibbletsngravy. Break.
With fully loaded boot. Break.
0 mils to front door. Break.
Enemy arse in the open. Break.
Fire for effect. Over.
Will standby for sit rep. Over.
Monday, March 14, 2005
AND NOW!
Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3. Is this thing working? Oh, Okay. Hello all from the Euphrates river. Can't tell you where on it or anything cause supposedly I'm a top secret item. Its probably cause I'm so darned dangerous. I just thought its neat that I'm next to the "fertal crescent" and it looks anything but fertal. In fact its more likely that life might spring forth from me than it will from the ground here. Why this has been the most fought over plot of land in the world only adds awe to the depths of man's ignorance.
In case you are curious what I do here, I kill people and break things. Its my job. To be more specific, I've been designated the "Broken Arrow" Marine who in the event that our lone outpost on the edge of the galaxy is overrun will detonate the large 500lbs. nuclear device strapped to my back. That'll learn 'em.
I'm trying to take pictures of historical sites for you to see. Before I blow them up. Mother, remember how you were uneasy with me and matches? I just carried 20lbs of C4 explosives yesterday. How does that make you feel?
Camp is fun. We play games. The counselors are sometimes mean to me though. If it stops raining they say we'll fly kites.
My back is sore, my feet are sore and I'm gettin about 4 hours of sleep at the current rate. But beyond that, I'm actually pretty good. And Don Rumsfeld has fit us out with plenty of armor. Seriously. I need to get some sleep so I can be wide awake on post soon (3 hrs) so I'll leave you with the following
Anywho, if anyone wants to send me cool stuff here are some thoughts
1) Coordinate with other people you think might send me sumthin soz I don't end up with 10 tons of babywipes and nuthin else. Please?
2) Things I need are
-white socks (longer than ankle length but not up to the knees either) -sun tan lotion 48+ SPF
-a disposable camera every so often
-an envelope large enough to ship the camera back in
-scrap metal to up armor our humvees (just kidding)
-lysol spray
-deoderant gel stick
-AA and AAA batteries (AA more so)
-bug spray and raid (for flying bugs)
-1 roll of duct tape a months maybe
-qtips
-chap stick
-baby wipes
-toothpaste, actually those things that you can put on your finger to brush your teeth with and then dispose of (little blue things?) would be better
3) Items I want and 1-time items
-A drawing sketch pad book thingy. Something I can draw in. And some pencils (no not the artsy fartsy type. Just a couple number 2s)
-ANything Rush Limbaugh. I already have "The way things ought to be". SO please send me any other books, etc.
-1 hot pot (you know the kind that plugs into the wall and heats up your ramen noodles)
-ramen noodles (bet you didn't see that comin)
-PICTURES! Pictures of anything you are doing as long as you are not in the middle east! I don't care if its a picture of dad reading the paper on the john! ANYTHING!
-Jerky (I guess pork items aren't allowed to be mailed? Try turkey,deer,jackelope jerky to be safe)
-cookies, chips, power bars
-easy mac(aroni and cheese. There. Happy, mom?). I NEED this stuff. Please
-Winchester® 30-120 x 60 mm Spotting Kit at www.sportsmansguide.com. This could actually save my life
That about wrapps it up for the mooch list. Call my lovely assistant Ileana at 740 424 0238 for a mailing address and stuff. I miss you all and I can't wait for you to buy me things. I mean I can't wait to see you all again. Love, Cpl "the human shield" Adams
Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3. Is this thing working? Oh, Okay. Hello all from the Euphrates river. Can't tell you where on it or anything cause supposedly I'm a top secret item. Its probably cause I'm so darned dangerous. I just thought its neat that I'm next to the "fertal crescent" and it looks anything but fertal. In fact its more likely that life might spring forth from me than it will from the ground here. Why this has been the most fought over plot of land in the world only adds awe to the depths of man's ignorance.
In case you are curious what I do here, I kill people and break things. Its my job. To be more specific, I've been designated the "Broken Arrow" Marine who in the event that our lone outpost on the edge of the galaxy is overrun will detonate the large 500lbs. nuclear device strapped to my back. That'll learn 'em.
I'm trying to take pictures of historical sites for you to see. Before I blow them up. Mother, remember how you were uneasy with me and matches? I just carried 20lbs of C4 explosives yesterday. How does that make you feel?
Camp is fun. We play games. The counselors are sometimes mean to me though. If it stops raining they say we'll fly kites.
My back is sore, my feet are sore and I'm gettin about 4 hours of sleep at the current rate. But beyond that, I'm actually pretty good. And Don Rumsfeld has fit us out with plenty of armor. Seriously. I need to get some sleep so I can be wide awake on post soon (3 hrs) so I'll leave you with the following
Anywho, if anyone wants to send me cool stuff here are some thoughts
1) Coordinate with other people you think might send me sumthin soz I don't end up with 10 tons of babywipes and nuthin else. Please?
2) Things I need are
-white socks (longer than ankle length but not up to the knees either) -sun tan lotion 48+ SPF
-a disposable camera every so often
-an envelope large enough to ship the camera back in
-scrap metal to up armor our humvees (just kidding)
-lysol spray
-deoderant gel stick
-AA and AAA batteries (AA more so)
-bug spray and raid (for flying bugs)
-1 roll of duct tape a months maybe
-qtips
-chap stick
-baby wipes
-toothpaste, actually those things that you can put on your finger to brush your teeth with and then dispose of (little blue things?) would be better
3) Items I want and 1-time items
-A drawing sketch pad book thingy. Something I can draw in. And some pencils (no not the artsy fartsy type. Just a couple number 2s)
-ANything Rush Limbaugh. I already have "The way things ought to be". SO please send me any other books, etc.
-1 hot pot (you know the kind that plugs into the wall and heats up your ramen noodles)
-ramen noodles (bet you didn't see that comin)
-PICTURES! Pictures of anything you are doing as long as you are not in the middle east! I don't care if its a picture of dad reading the paper on the john! ANYTHING!
-Jerky (I guess pork items aren't allowed to be mailed? Try turkey,deer,jackelope jerky to be safe)
-cookies, chips, power bars
-easy mac(aroni and cheese. There. Happy, mom?). I NEED this stuff. Please
-Winchester® 30-120 x 60 mm Spotting Kit at www.sportsmansguide.com. This could actually save my life
That about wrapps it up for the mooch list. Call my lovely assistant Ileana at 740 424 0238 for a mailing address and stuff. I miss you all and I can't wait for you to buy me things. I mean I can't wait to see you all again. Love, Cpl "the human shield" Adams
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Supreme Court Denies Death Penalty for Minors Aged 40 Weeks to 18 Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, in a 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court decided that the death penalty was unconstitutional for children of approximately 40 weeks of age until their 18th birthday.
Citing international consensus, the majority opinion stated that the death penalty as applied to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years violated the 8th Amendment's prohibition of "cruel and unusual" punishments. The opinion goes on to state that "the overwhelming weight of international opinion requires that the US forbid the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, since we want to be exactly like other countries. We recognize that the normal method of amending the Constitution from its original meaning would be to get a 2/3rds majority of Congress, and 3/4ths of the state legislatures to approve a change, but that takes too long. Instead, we are just stating that the new meaning of the 8th Amendment prohibits the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, to bring the US in line with Europe."
15 years ago, the Supreme Court upheld the death penalty for minors below 40 weeks and above 16 years. The Supreme Courts latest decision does not expressly reverse their previous opinion, but just recognizes that "the constitution, as a living, breathing document (read: means whatever the hell we want it to) has changed in the last 15 years to become more European."
In other news, Florida Circuit Court Judge George Greer has allowed the death penalty for middle-aged women with brain damage who have not been convicted by any jury.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, in a 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court decided that the death penalty was unconstitutional for children of approximately 40 weeks of age until their 18th birthday.
Citing international consensus, the majority opinion stated that the death penalty as applied to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years violated the 8th Amendment's prohibition of "cruel and unusual" punishments. The opinion goes on to state that "the overwhelming weight of international opinion requires that the US forbid the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, since we want to be exactly like other countries. We recognize that the normal method of amending the Constitution from its original meaning would be to get a 2/3rds majority of Congress, and 3/4ths of the state legislatures to approve a change, but that takes too long. Instead, we are just stating that the new meaning of the 8th Amendment prohibits the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, to bring the US in line with Europe."
15 years ago, the Supreme Court upheld the death penalty for minors below 40 weeks and above 16 years. The Supreme Courts latest decision does not expressly reverse their previous opinion, but just recognizes that "the constitution, as a living, breathing document (read: means whatever the hell we want it to) has changed in the last 15 years to become more European."
In other news, Florida Circuit Court Judge George Greer has allowed the death penalty for middle-aged women with brain damage who have not been convicted by any jury.
Friday, March 4, 2005
Bill Would Hold Auto Manufacturers Accountable for Drivers' Actions
Washington, D.C. - A bill before the U.S. House of Representatives would hold the manufacturers and sellers of automobiles liable for any driving infractions committed or accidents caused by the drivers of their cars.
Supporters of the bill, like Will Henson of the Washington Police Department say that people who get into cars and see the speedometer goes to 120 mph are inclined to test it to see if the car can really go that fast.
"If you drive a car over and over again, you become desensitized to speed and you eventually come to think that it's OK to drive really fast and break traffic laws," says Henson. He argues that putting powerful engines with more than 60hp in cars only encourages people to use that power and commit crimes. "Auto manufacturers need to be held accountable for the flagrant way in which they allow people to easily break laws with their products."
Opponents of the bill argue that the whole thing is utter nonsense. Louis McMurray, of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association said "the whole idea is ridiculous. It's almost as stupid as, say, holding video game manufacturers responsible if kids commit crimes."
Washington, D.C. - A bill before the U.S. House of Representatives would hold the manufacturers and sellers of automobiles liable for any driving infractions committed or accidents caused by the drivers of their cars.
Supporters of the bill, like Will Henson of the Washington Police Department say that people who get into cars and see the speedometer goes to 120 mph are inclined to test it to see if the car can really go that fast.
"If you drive a car over and over again, you become desensitized to speed and you eventually come to think that it's OK to drive really fast and break traffic laws," says Henson. He argues that putting powerful engines with more than 60hp in cars only encourages people to use that power and commit crimes. "Auto manufacturers need to be held accountable for the flagrant way in which they allow people to easily break laws with their products."
Opponents of the bill argue that the whole thing is utter nonsense. Louis McMurray, of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association said "the whole idea is ridiculous. It's almost as stupid as, say, holding video game manufacturers responsible if kids commit crimes."
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
EA To Stop Publishing Games
Will Siphon Money Directly From Gamers' Pockets Instead.
REDWOOD CITY, CA - In the wake of their exclusive partnerships with the NFL, AFL, and ESPN, EA has announced that they will stop publishing sports games entirely, and instead will simply siphon money directly out of the pockets of potential customers.
According to the press release, all retailers that sell video games will have vacuum pumps installed at the doors. Anyone who enters the store and, therefore, may potentially buy a game from EA will have to allow store employees to siphon any money, credit cards, or spare change from their pockets or purses.
Larry Probst, EA CEO, said they came up with the idea during a brainstorming session for ideas for the next year's Madden game. "We realized, that with those infidels at Konami thoroughly crushed and unable to write any professional football games, or even publish under the 'ESPN' brand name they had previously been using, we didn't need to make a whole lot of improvements to the Madden line of football games. Simply updating the rosters with the players for the next season would be enough to get people to shell out the $50, since where else are they going to buy a football game now?" Probst continued that "eventually we realized that even updating the roster seemed like a lot of work. That's when we decided on the siphoning option."
Probst said they expect gamers not to notice any difference. "We've only been making a half-assed attempts at writing good games since acquiring licensing rights for Lord of the Rings, James Bond, Star Wars, and other major properties. You get to the point when you realize people will just send you money simply because there's a box on the shelf that has a pretty picture and some words they like on it. You tend to lose all motivation to try at that point."
EA announced that, while they would not be writing games, the potential customers would be forced to watch several hours of unskipable company logo animations while their pockets are siphoned. "We'll start with the EA logo, move to the company that might have developed the game, if we cared, then move on to the retail distributor, the logo for the employee who is siphoning your pockets, then throw in a bunch of random ones, just to take up time. Y'know, for old times sake."
When asked if there were any other genres that EA was going to stop trying to make good games in, Probst responded "we had plans to slack off in Massively Multiplayer Online games, but we realized Sony beat us to it."
Will Siphon Money Directly From Gamers' Pockets Instead.
REDWOOD CITY, CA - In the wake of their exclusive partnerships with the NFL, AFL, and ESPN, EA has announced that they will stop publishing sports games entirely, and instead will simply siphon money directly out of the pockets of potential customers.
According to the press release, all retailers that sell video games will have vacuum pumps installed at the doors. Anyone who enters the store and, therefore, may potentially buy a game from EA will have to allow store employees to siphon any money, credit cards, or spare change from their pockets or purses.
Larry Probst, EA CEO, said they came up with the idea during a brainstorming session for ideas for the next year's Madden game. "We realized, that with those infidels at Konami thoroughly crushed and unable to write any professional football games, or even publish under the 'ESPN' brand name they had previously been using, we didn't need to make a whole lot of improvements to the Madden line of football games. Simply updating the rosters with the players for the next season would be enough to get people to shell out the $50, since where else are they going to buy a football game now?" Probst continued that "eventually we realized that even updating the roster seemed like a lot of work. That's when we decided on the siphoning option."
Probst said they expect gamers not to notice any difference. "We've only been making a half-assed attempts at writing good games since acquiring licensing rights for Lord of the Rings, James Bond, Star Wars, and other major properties. You get to the point when you realize people will just send you money simply because there's a box on the shelf that has a pretty picture and some words they like on it. You tend to lose all motivation to try at that point."
EA announced that, while they would not be writing games, the potential customers would be forced to watch several hours of unskipable company logo animations while their pockets are siphoned. "We'll start with the EA logo, move to the company that might have developed the game, if we cared, then move on to the retail distributor, the logo for the employee who is siphoning your pockets, then throw in a bunch of random ones, just to take up time. Y'know, for old times sake."
When asked if there were any other genres that EA was going to stop trying to make good games in, Probst responded "we had plans to slack off in Massively Multiplayer Online games, but we realized Sony beat us to it."
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