6 Files Suit Against 7
Cites 7's cannibalization of 9
Z+, R - The number 6 filed a class-action suit in set N superior court this morning, asking for $10 million in damages from the number 7 for "mental and emotional trauma resulting from when 7 ate 9."
The number 6's lawyer, Newton Standerwick of Standerwick and Schontz, issued the following statement: "for years, my client has been living in fear, affraid to participate in any equations or proofs, for fear that he may end up the next victim of the number 7, the brutal killer responsible for the death of our dear friend the number 9." The statement continues to say that 6 has spent many years and thousands of dollars on therapy, trying to overcome the grief and fear he has felt. "Only after he spent his life savings has my client been able to overcome his fears and take the right course of action; seeking damages against the nefarious number 7."
Other numbers have been quick to jump on the bandwagon. So far, 5, 10, 64, and 9's entire extended family {3*n, n ε Z+} have joined in the suit. Said the number 10, "9 was a very dear friend of mine. The only integer as close to me as he was is the number 11. I was so filled with sadness at his demise. I'm so proud that some number has finally had the courage to punish 7 for his wrongdoings."
7's lawyer, Wilton Shontz of Schontz and Standerwick, said at a press release, "my client was never found guilty of any alleged murder charges. This whole suit is a trumped up attempt to get even with 7. Everyone has known for years that both 6 and 9 were jealous of 7's standing as a prime number." When asked about the rumors that 7 killed 9, because he was jealous of 9's standing as a perfect square of a prime number, 7 burst out, saying "that [expletive] jerk! He had it coming! I should have [expletive] killed that [expletive] 6 along with 9!" After taking a moment to compose himself, 7 then said "Well, no number's perfect."
"Sesame Street," a program that has received a large sponsorship from the number 7, has stated that for the duration of the suit, they shall not accept any support, verbal, monetary, or otherwise, from the number 7. Said Children's Television Workshop spokeswoman Sanora Ruffini, "while we are not expressing any opinion or taking sides, we believe it is in our best interests to remain neutral until the matter can be resolved." The number 2 is expected to fill in for the number 7, although some are questioning whether 2 is over-extending himself, since he is also the base of the entire computer number system.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Thursday, December 9, 2004
Cpl Adams Deploys to Iraq
Wonders if he left the iron on
Cpl Adams, Supreme Allied Commander for 3rd Squad, 3rd Platoon, Kilo Co 3/25, deployed to Iraq in March after months of urban and field training. A critical component in the war on terrorism, Cpl Adams is prepared for every possible scenario. Except he can’t remember if he left the iron on back in Florida.
Cpl Adams is part of a detachment tasked with seeking out possible insurgents in built up areas surrounding the northern city of Mosul, and he has made frequent contact with insurgents. Yesterday, Cpl Adams led a house to house search which resulted in sporadic gunfire leaving one insurgent dead and five taken into custody. “It’s all part of trying to gain intelligence in these regions” Adams told us. “That way we try to reduce the number of attacks on the locals and possibly gain that one critical piece of intelligence that might let us know if I let my iron on or not.”
Many Marines like Adams have been unable to contact family back home to let them know how they are doing. Adams himself has only once spoken with his wife since February. “She sounded good. She told me her family was doing well. But when I tried to ask her about the iron, the connection started getting all messed up. Sounded like ‘ooo …on’t …oose… rons ..om.’ I wish I knew because it makes it really hard to concentrate since I can’t think of anything else.”
Adams admits that in a fire-fight earlier that day he hesitated to give a command. Taking heavy fire from a bombed out school house to their right, Adams tried to take his squad around the block to a more advantageous position. Before crossing an open street, Adams hesitated to give an order to throw smoke grenades to obscure and confuse the enemy. “I couldn’t remember if my iron was on or off. It was driving me nuts.” That moment of hesitation cost Lcpl Moore dearly as he was shot in buttocks during the pause in the command. “I don’t blame Adams. We are all concerned about his iron. Besides Doc’ll have me patched up in no time and I’ll get back into the fight.”
Wonders if he left the iron on
Cpl Adams, Supreme Allied Commander for 3rd Squad, 3rd Platoon, Kilo Co 3/25, deployed to Iraq in March after months of urban and field training. A critical component in the war on terrorism, Cpl Adams is prepared for every possible scenario. Except he can’t remember if he left the iron on back in Florida.
Cpl Adams is part of a detachment tasked with seeking out possible insurgents in built up areas surrounding the northern city of Mosul, and he has made frequent contact with insurgents. Yesterday, Cpl Adams led a house to house search which resulted in sporadic gunfire leaving one insurgent dead and five taken into custody. “It’s all part of trying to gain intelligence in these regions” Adams told us. “That way we try to reduce the number of attacks on the locals and possibly gain that one critical piece of intelligence that might let us know if I let my iron on or not.”
Many Marines like Adams have been unable to contact family back home to let them know how they are doing. Adams himself has only once spoken with his wife since February. “She sounded good. She told me her family was doing well. But when I tried to ask her about the iron, the connection started getting all messed up. Sounded like ‘ooo …on’t …oose… rons ..om.’ I wish I knew because it makes it really hard to concentrate since I can’t think of anything else.”
Adams admits that in a fire-fight earlier that day he hesitated to give a command. Taking heavy fire from a bombed out school house to their right, Adams tried to take his squad around the block to a more advantageous position. Before crossing an open street, Adams hesitated to give an order to throw smoke grenades to obscure and confuse the enemy. “I couldn’t remember if my iron was on or off. It was driving me nuts.” That moment of hesitation cost Lcpl Moore dearly as he was shot in buttocks during the pause in the command. “I don’t blame Adams. We are all concerned about his iron. Besides Doc’ll have me patched up in no time and I’ll get back into the fight.”
I'd feel better discussing this with a Drill Instructor, but since Senator Kerry seems to find time lying heavily on his hands . . .
Dear Senator Kerry,
I am confused about Christian formation.
It states in the Kolbe Academy Policy Handbook that, in light of truths enumerated by the Pope in Familiaris Consortio, and in accordance with methodology developed by Saint Ignatius of Loyola, " . . . education is about formation, not information: formation of the child's will and assistance with the discernment of vocation." The handbook goes on to say, "Any educational effort that fails to form the will fails the student."
I recently received a letter from Trinity School which announced, "The development of character and Christian piety is not part of the mission of Trinity Schools."
So, what's up with that?
Please hurry,
Confused Mom
+++++++++++++
Respect Life
Dear Recruit,
Are we writing a letter during class? Holy fornicating monkey poop! Have you lost your friggin mind?! Do you need my help finding it!? Who on this Dog Gamn rat poop heap you call your home planet are you writing to? We are writing a letter to our senator? Senior Drill Instructor is going to love your caboose. Excuse me sir, I have a recruit here who wants to write his senator. Would you like me to read it out loud to our company commander? Very well.
“I'd feel better discussing this with a Drill Instructor” Oh don’t worry about that yoo-hoos. GO AHEAD AND LOSE YOUR BEARING IN FRONT OF ME TOO! You’re about as jacked up as a football bat, you nasty thing.
Come here college. You think you can write letters in class because you’re smarter than every other recruit. You went to college, didn’t you? “I”!?! “I”!?! How about ‘this recruit’. Or did they not teach that in college? Did they teach phys-ed in your college? Talk to me like you're my girlfriend too, nasty. Shut your suck. Start pushin. You will push until I am tired. Begin.
Where was I, Senior? Oh yes. “I am confused about Christian formation.” Recruit, do you believe in the Blessed Virgin Mary? You’d better get up and tell the platoon that you Dog Gamn do love the Blessed Virgin Mary! Get back on your face.
“In light of truths emniated by the Pope in Family Concert, and in accordion with methogdy developed by Saint Igneous of …” Some kind of nastiness. Recruit, are you some kind of butt crack nasty rocket surgeon? OH I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST TALK TO ME ON YOUR FACE!!!
Get up! Shut your suck. You have 5 seconds to get to the other side of the room. Go, 5, 4, 1. Get back! 5, 1. No, get back! 5, 2, 3, 1. Get Back. Oh we want to get tired. Very well, we can play games instead. Mountain climbers, begin.
“Blah blah blah, I am huge monkey fornicating myself with a football who recently received a letter from Trinity School which announced, ‘The development of character and Christian pies is not part of the mission of Trinity Schools.’ So, what's up with that?”… “So what’s up with that?” Senior did you hear that? We must be back on the block with our boys. Apparently we haven’t learned a single thing from our Senior Drill Instructor all the time we’ve been here. We must be back on training day one. You must be trying to embarrass him in front of the company commander. Because of your nastiness I have to purge the entire platoon before you start to spread like a fungus. From now on you are all back on training day one. Platoon, say 'thank you'.
Allow me to answer your question in words that most of us understand: YOUR FIRST MISSION IS TO DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU! After that you next mission is to unfornicate yourself.
"Respect Life"? You're a killer! You will not respect life, you will rip the heart of your enemy with your bare teeth and you will like it. Do you like to kill? You'd better give me a war cry or you will be doing mountain climbers on every drill deck I can find in North America.
Get up. I swear to God, thing, every time I look at you I hear circus music. What foreign government sent you here to pollute my Marine Corps?
“This recruit don’t know, sir.” Wow, you’re as sharp as a fartsack full of doorknobs. See that rock over there. Pick it up. Put it in you left breast pocket because that is now your new ID card, bright one. Now get out of my sight before I claw my eyes out to relieve the pain.
Dear Senator Kerry,
I am confused about Christian formation.
It states in the Kolbe Academy Policy Handbook that, in light of truths enumerated by the Pope in Familiaris Consortio, and in accordance with methodology developed by Saint Ignatius of Loyola, " . . . education is about formation, not information: formation of the child's will and assistance with the discernment of vocation." The handbook goes on to say, "Any educational effort that fails to form the will fails the student."
I recently received a letter from Trinity School which announced, "The development of character and Christian piety is not part of the mission of Trinity Schools."
So, what's up with that?
Please hurry,
Confused Mom
+++++++++++++
Respect Life
Dear Recruit,Are we writing a letter during class? Holy fornicating monkey poop! Have you lost your friggin mind?! Do you need my help finding it!? Who on this Dog Gamn rat poop heap you call your home planet are you writing to? We are writing a letter to our senator? Senior Drill Instructor is going to love your caboose. Excuse me sir, I have a recruit here who wants to write his senator. Would you like me to read it out loud to our company commander? Very well.
“I'd feel better discussing this with a Drill Instructor” Oh don’t worry about that yoo-hoos. GO AHEAD AND LOSE YOUR BEARING IN FRONT OF ME TOO! You’re about as jacked up as a football bat, you nasty thing.
Come here college. You think you can write letters in class because you’re smarter than every other recruit. You went to college, didn’t you? “I”!?! “I”!?! How about ‘this recruit’. Or did they not teach that in college? Did they teach phys-ed in your college? Talk to me like you're my girlfriend too, nasty. Shut your suck. Start pushin. You will push until I am tired. Begin.
Where was I, Senior? Oh yes. “I am confused about Christian formation.” Recruit, do you believe in the Blessed Virgin Mary? You’d better get up and tell the platoon that you Dog Gamn do love the Blessed Virgin Mary! Get back on your face.
“In light of truths emniated by the Pope in Family Concert, and in accordion with methogdy developed by Saint Igneous of …” Some kind of nastiness. Recruit, are you some kind of butt crack nasty rocket surgeon? OH I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST TALK TO ME ON YOUR FACE!!!
Get up! Shut your suck. You have 5 seconds to get to the other side of the room. Go, 5, 4, 1. Get back! 5, 1. No, get back! 5, 2, 3, 1. Get Back. Oh we want to get tired. Very well, we can play games instead. Mountain climbers, begin.
“Blah blah blah, I am huge monkey fornicating myself with a football who recently received a letter from Trinity School which announced, ‘The development of character and Christian pies is not part of the mission of Trinity Schools.’ So, what's up with that?”… “So what’s up with that?” Senior did you hear that? We must be back on the block with our boys. Apparently we haven’t learned a single thing from our Senior Drill Instructor all the time we’ve been here. We must be back on training day one. You must be trying to embarrass him in front of the company commander. Because of your nastiness I have to purge the entire platoon before you start to spread like a fungus. From now on you are all back on training day one. Platoon, say 'thank you'.
Allow me to answer your question in words that most of us understand: YOUR FIRST MISSION IS TO DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU! After that you next mission is to unfornicate yourself.
"Respect Life"? You're a killer! You will not respect life, you will rip the heart of your enemy with your bare teeth and you will like it. Do you like to kill? You'd better give me a war cry or you will be doing mountain climbers on every drill deck I can find in North America.
Get up. I swear to God, thing, every time I look at you I hear circus music. What foreign government sent you here to pollute my Marine Corps?
“This recruit don’t know, sir.” Wow, you’re as sharp as a fartsack full of doorknobs. See that rock over there. Pick it up. Put it in you left breast pocket because that is now your new ID card, bright one. Now get out of my sight before I claw my eyes out to relieve the pain.
Monday, December 6, 2004
Obituary: Anne Marie Belland
Wife of F.U. News Founder Lost to "World of WarCraft"
Anne Marie Belland, area wench and wife of F.U. News Founder Joe Belland, has been lost to World of WarCraft, a virus created by Irvine based software company Blizzard Entertainment. She is among 300,000 people who have been diagnosed with or lost to the disease in the last two weeks.
"I know I'll really miss her, but in my heart I know she's gone on to a better place," said Joe Belland. "Now her spirit can roam freely amongst the Elven forests of Teldrassil or the Dwarven mountains of Loch Modan. I only hope that one day soon, I too will be able to join her."
According to Loretta Kuntz at the Center for Disease Prevention and Control, WoW, as it is being called, is the fastest-spreading MMO epidemic as yet, with 240,000 becoming infected on opening day, and as many as 7,000 at its originating point, a Fry's Electronics in Fountain Valley, CA. "We knew that WoW was coming and that we had to prepare for it, but we had no idea that it would be such a huge epidemic," said Kuntz. "It has caught us completely off guard, and as such, many of our treatment centers are too over-crowded to deal with all the reported cases."
Also overburdened by the influx of cases is Widows of WoW, a support group for those who have lost their loved ones to WoW. Said Judy Caruso of WOWoW, "In the last week alone, we've received 56,000 calls from people whose husbands or boyfriends or sons have become swallowed up by this hideous disease. 90% of the victims of the disease are male. Joe is one of the few men who have lost their female counterparts to WoW."
"The most important thing for Belland is not to become a victim himself," continued Caruso. "Many widows and widowers are tempted to expose themselves to the disease, hoping that they'll be able to meet their loved ones again. In most cases this just leads to further spread of the infection. He needs to keep himself occupied with things like work and family."
"Besides," continued Caruso, "if he does become infected, he may lose his job, and the $15 per month subscription isn't going to pay itself."
Wife of F.U. News Founder Lost to "World of WarCraft"
Anne Marie Belland, area wench and wife of F.U. News Founder Joe Belland, has been lost to World of WarCraft, a virus created by Irvine based software company Blizzard Entertainment. She is among 300,000 people who have been diagnosed with or lost to the disease in the last two weeks.
"I know I'll really miss her, but in my heart I know she's gone on to a better place," said Joe Belland. "Now her spirit can roam freely amongst the Elven forests of Teldrassil or the Dwarven mountains of Loch Modan. I only hope that one day soon, I too will be able to join her."
According to Loretta Kuntz at the Center for Disease Prevention and Control, WoW, as it is being called, is the fastest-spreading MMO epidemic as yet, with 240,000 becoming infected on opening day, and as many as 7,000 at its originating point, a Fry's Electronics in Fountain Valley, CA. "We knew that WoW was coming and that we had to prepare for it, but we had no idea that it would be such a huge epidemic," said Kuntz. "It has caught us completely off guard, and as such, many of our treatment centers are too over-crowded to deal with all the reported cases."
Also overburdened by the influx of cases is Widows of WoW, a support group for those who have lost their loved ones to WoW. Said Judy Caruso of WOWoW, "In the last week alone, we've received 56,000 calls from people whose husbands or boyfriends or sons have become swallowed up by this hideous disease. 90% of the victims of the disease are male. Joe is one of the few men who have lost their female counterparts to WoW."
"The most important thing for Belland is not to become a victim himself," continued Caruso. "Many widows and widowers are tempted to expose themselves to the disease, hoping that they'll be able to meet their loved ones again. In most cases this just leads to further spread of the infection. He needs to keep himself occupied with things like work and family."
"Besides," continued Caruso, "if he does become infected, he may lose his job, and the $15 per month subscription isn't going to pay itself."
F.U. News Co-Founder Missing
Whereabouts of Tom Adams Unknown; Assets Siezed, Re-distributed to Remaining Owners
Area dirt-bag and F.U. News co-founder Tom Adams was reported missing earlier. Despite repeated attempts to contact him at his Google e-mail address, his whereabouts remain unknown. Upon his disappearance, his stock profits from F.U. News have been divided between the two remaining F.U. News Co-founders.
"I heard something about him moving to Florida," said Joe Belland, F.U. News Founder and recipient of half of Adams' wealth, estimated at several Quiggly-Jiggly-illion dollars. "But that was right before the hurricanes hit. He probably got sucked up in to one of them. What do I care?" The interview ended abruptly, as Belland drove off in his Lamborghini Murcielago.
"Oh, yeah, Tom," said David Belland, F.U. News' other co-founder, who was interviewed by video-phone from his private space ship. "Yeah, I heard he shot his commanding officer and was thrown out of the Marines. He's probably in jail, or something. Could you hold on? We're about to orbit the far side of the moon and will be out of contact for several minutes."
While attempting to contact J. Belland for a follow-up interview, it was learned that he had been hospitalized for a concussion and a neck injury. "You know how in 'Duck Tales' Scrooge McDuck would always dive into his vault of gold and swim around in it? Well, it turns out that real gold is a lot harder than that."
Whereabouts of Tom Adams Unknown; Assets Siezed, Re-distributed to Remaining Owners
Area dirt-bag and F.U. News co-founder Tom Adams was reported missing earlier. Despite repeated attempts to contact him at his Google e-mail address, his whereabouts remain unknown. Upon his disappearance, his stock profits from F.U. News have been divided between the two remaining F.U. News Co-founders.
"I heard something about him moving to Florida," said Joe Belland, F.U. News Founder and recipient of half of Adams' wealth, estimated at several Quiggly-Jiggly-illion dollars. "But that was right before the hurricanes hit. He probably got sucked up in to one of them. What do I care?" The interview ended abruptly, as Belland drove off in his Lamborghini Murcielago.
"Oh, yeah, Tom," said David Belland, F.U. News' other co-founder, who was interviewed by video-phone from his private space ship. "Yeah, I heard he shot his commanding officer and was thrown out of the Marines. He's probably in jail, or something. Could you hold on? We're about to orbit the far side of the moon and will be out of contact for several minutes."
While attempting to contact J. Belland for a follow-up interview, it was learned that he had been hospitalized for a concussion and a neck injury. "You know how in 'Duck Tales' Scrooge McDuck would always dive into his vault of gold and swim around in it? Well, it turns out that real gold is a lot harder than that."
Saturday, December 4, 2004
What I deserve for Christmas: How you should spend your money on me
First let’s define some terminology.
\Some\ (s[u^]m), a. [OE. som, sum. See Same, a., and cf. -some.] 1. Consisting of a greater or less portion or sum; composed of a quantity or number which is not stated; -- used to express an indefinite quantity or number; as, some wine; some water; some persons. Used also pronominally; as, I have some.
\Ter`mi*nol"o*gy\, n. [L. terminus meaning place of boarding in an Airport term + -logy: cf. F. terminologie.] 1. The doctrine of terms; a theory of terms or appellations; a treatise on terms.
Okay, now lets define deserve according to Webster.
\De*serve"\ (d[-e]*z[~e]rv"), v. t. [imp. & p. p. Deserved; p. pr. & vb. n. Deserving.] [OF. deservir, desservir, to merit, L. deservire to serve zealously, be devoted to; de- + servire to serve. See Serve.] 1. To earn Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; to be entitled to a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; as, the laborer deserves his Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; a work of value deserves a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set.
Now that we understand each other, I deserve a box set copy of Star Wars Widescreen Super Duper Edition DVD with such awesome features as
But don’t take my word about the obvious coolness of the Box Set, when you could take the word of Bib Fortuna, Jabba’s right hand man. “Izioto? Zi katzi umootsi. Lay jada zogootsi. Lok cha!”
Don’t let naysayers tell you otherwise. Most of them haven’t found true happiness in life and only want to spread their misery. Besides, my wife has only been in the family for like 2 years where I have been in for like 21 or something. A Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set is an irreplaceable part of every boys happiness. Whereas Ileana can be replaced.
So if you take anything away from the true meaning of Christmas, it should be the pride and joy of knowing you bought me Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set. No seriously. Joking aside. Buy me a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set. If you are still reading this, then you are not buying it for me now. Why? Get off your bottom and go buy it. For me…. NOW!
First let’s define some terminology.
\Some\ (s[u^]m), a. [OE. som, sum. See Same, a., and cf. -some.] 1. Consisting of a greater or less portion or sum; composed of a quantity or number which is not stated; -- used to express an indefinite quantity or number; as, some wine; some water; some persons. Used also pronominally; as, I have some.
\Ter`mi*nol"o*gy\, n. [L. terminus meaning place of boarding in an Airport term + -logy: cf. F. terminologie.] 1. The doctrine of terms; a theory of terms or appellations; a treatise on terms.
Okay, now lets define deserve according to Webster.
\De*serve"\ (d[-e]*z[~e]rv"), v. t. [imp. & p. p. Deserved; p. pr. & vb. n. Deserving.] [OF. deservir, desservir, to merit, L. deservire to serve zealously, be devoted to; de- + servire to serve. See Serve.] 1. To earn Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil); to merit a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; to be entitled to a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; as, the laborer deserves his Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set; a work of value deserves a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set.
Now that we understand each other, I deserve a box set copy of Star Wars Widescreen Super Duper Edition DVD with such awesome features as
- Never before seen "Luke snoring" and "Darth Vader twiddling his thumbs" scenes
- "My obsession makes more sense than your obsession - A look at how stupid Star Trek is in comparison" Documentary
- “Learn to Act” Special feature starring Mark Hamill
- “Make your own stupid special effect regardless of what it does to the plot line” interactive PC feature
- "My DVD Box Set can beat up your stupid DVD Box Set" feature with boxing gloves and boxing ring for your Box Set
- And exclusive sneak peak at Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith floor tiling
But don’t take my word about the obvious coolness of the Box Set, when you could take the word of Bib Fortuna, Jabba’s right hand man. “Izioto? Zi katzi umootsi. Lay jada zogootsi. Lok cha!”
Don’t let naysayers tell you otherwise. Most of them haven’t found true happiness in life and only want to spread their misery. Besides, my wife has only been in the family for like 2 years where I have been in for like 21 or something. A Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set is an irreplaceable part of every boys happiness. Whereas Ileana can be replaced.
So if you take anything away from the true meaning of Christmas, it should be the pride and joy of knowing you bought me Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set. No seriously. Joking aside. Buy me a Star Wars Widescreen DVD Box Set. If you are still reading this, then you are not buying it for me now. Why? Get off your bottom and go buy it. For me…. NOW!
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Ask John Kerry
Dear John,
This has really been bugging me. Yesterday on the radio Dave Ramsey said that as soon as you have a baby you should start saving $166 a month for College, which works out to about $2,000 a year. I figure that after 18 years I would save about $36,000 plus some interest. Experience has shown me that the net effect of this strategy would be to raise the cost of college for my kid by about $36,000. So, what's the point?
Middle Class Parent
Dear Middle Class Parent from the great state of Idaho,
Before I answer your question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard job layoffs like your sister states Michigan and Illinois. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.
About your question, I have a plan. It’s like the old saying “You can’t have your cake and save money for college too.” President Bush has had four years to close the tuition gap, but what has his administration done in that time? They have outsourced our student positions to Big Foreign Student Exchange.
When I was in Vietnam, we had to save money too if we wanted to return to college for a masters degree. I actually was against college before attending Yale. The way I see it, the American public has two choices this election, marry into wealth to provide for college expenses or …. (wait for laughter)… (no laughter. wait for nervous chuckles to subside)… Or follow the plan I’ve laid out on my web site. In my plan we will roll back irresponsible tax cuts to the upper income earners in this country making more than two-thousand dollars.
Every child in America has a right to quality higher-education, and I have a plan that will do just that. I also have a plan to create education liability laws to protect our children’s education. I have had one consistent position on your child’s college money since I was in Vietnam, and that is that you have managed your child’s college funding poorly and that my wife can provide for your child’s college better.
Dear John,
This has really been bugging me. Yesterday on the radio Dave Ramsey said that as soon as you have a baby you should start saving $166 a month for College, which works out to about $2,000 a year. I figure that after 18 years I would save about $36,000 plus some interest. Experience has shown me that the net effect of this strategy would be to raise the cost of college for my kid by about $36,000. So, what's the point?
Middle Class Parent
Dear Middle Class Parent from the great state of Idaho,
Before I answer your question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard job layoffs like your sister states Michigan and Illinois. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.About your question, I have a plan. It’s like the old saying “You can’t have your cake and save money for college too.” President Bush has had four years to close the tuition gap, but what has his administration done in that time? They have outsourced our student positions to Big Foreign Student Exchange.
When I was in Vietnam, we had to save money too if we wanted to return to college for a masters degree. I actually was against college before attending Yale. The way I see it, the American public has two choices this election, marry into wealth to provide for college expenses or …. (wait for laughter)… (no laughter. wait for nervous chuckles to subside)… Or follow the plan I’ve laid out on my web site. In my plan we will roll back irresponsible tax cuts to the upper income earners in this country making more than two-thousand dollars.
Every child in America has a right to quality higher-education, and I have a plan that will do just that. I also have a plan to create education liability laws to protect our children’s education. I have had one consistent position on your child’s college money since I was in Vietnam, and that is that you have managed your child’s college funding poorly and that my wife can provide for your child’s college better.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Half-Life 2: My Take
Immersion. If some one put a gun to my head and demanded to know why I thought Half-Life 2 was the greatest game ever, in one word, that would be my answer. The feeling of total immersion is what set the original Half-Life apart from every other shooter. Every little thing in the game contributed to this sense. From the first-person only, to the fact that there were no cutscenes to break up the action, to the completely continuous level design, where each level is just a continuation of the previous. These all helped Half-Life acheive the feeling that it was you in the room with the monsters jumping at you, and not some person whom you were watching and controlling from the other side of a screen. Now Half-Life 2 takes the immersion ball and runs with it.
If I had to point to one factor in Half-Life 2 that added more to that immersion feeling created in the original Half-Life than anything else, it would have to be the physics system. Games have been experimenting with physics for a while now. Ragdoll physics for dead bodies became the "in thing" a couple years ago. Max Payne 2 took physics a step further and had debris littered through the levels. If you shot some one and he fell backwards into a shelf, he would knock it over and all the boxes on the shelf would go flying. This all helped towards the immersion feeling, making it seem that you were running around in a real place, rather than in a defined box of immovable and un-interactable polygons. But Half-Life 2 goes a step further. It makes the physics an inseperable part of the game play. In Max Payne, it didn't really matter if the chair was knocked over when you bumped into it, but it added to the experience. In Half-Life 2, there are parts you could not pass, were it not for the physics system. A puzzle early on in the game has a large board balanced on a circular tube, in see-saw fashion. In order to reach a ledge, you need to raise the side that is down, in essence, changing the direction of the ramp. You do this by picking up the bricks that are scattered around the room and placing them on the side that is up. When you get enough bricks, the see-saw tips the opposite way. Just a short ways later, you repeat this, only opposite. A ramp is floating in the water, but is not high enough for you to make a jump on your vehicle. It has a cage submerged underneath it, and there are floating barrels around. You need to place the barrels in the cage to cause the ramp to float a little higher. It's things like this that make the world feel real. In too many other games, I tend to think "well, if this were real life I would just..." when faced with a problem situation. In Half-Life 2, it practically is real life, and guaranteed, you can use whatever solution you think of.
Another of the ways Half-Life 2 feels real is in the other characters. In most other games, the characters are stiff set pieces, there to provide some dialog to move the plot forward. This isn't always a problem since, in the immortal words of John Carmack, "story in a video game is like plot in a porno. You expect it to be there, but it really isn't necessary." In Half-Life 2, the characters feel like real people, and can act better than many Hollywood stars (insert Keanu Reeves joke here). The facial expressions are quite literally the most convincing to date, and the argument could be made that they even rival WETA's work on Gollum. From the look of disgust Alyx gives Dr. Mossman when Mossman insinuates that Alyx made a computational error, to the look of seething hatred, when Alyx discovers a resitance member is in fact working for the Combine, to the look of embarassment she gives when her father, Eli Vance, insinuates that there might be something between Gordon and Alyx, right down to the wink that Eli gives Gordon when Alyx turns her back (not a fake wink in which the "eye" texture is just replaced with an "eyelid" texture, mind you; this is a real wink; the eyebrow shifts, the cheek compresses, the corner of his mouth stretches to the side...) all contribute to the overwhelming sense that these are real people, and when you're fighting along side them, your not just trying to fulfill the games mission goals, but you actually want to genuinely help them.
Half-Life 2 is probably one of the first games where the characters move their eyes, rather than just turning their head. Alyx sometimes shoots you a sideways glance when talking to Dr. Kleiner. And this is definitely the first to game to calculate specular highlighting, based on the light sources in the rooms, off the eyeball. When I first heard in the E3 demo that this was one of the features of the Source engine, I thought "why would Valve waste processor cycles computing such an insignificant and un-noticable detail?" But it's because it's so small that it works so well. Your brain picks it up on a sub-conscious level, but it goes a long ways towards making the eye look real, like there's a thin layer of moisture on top of it, and that in turn makes the character feel like he's looking through the screen at you, the player.
The list of characters extends beyond just humans. You run into the occasional Vortigon, which were enemies in the first Half-Life, but now help out the resistance. But in battle, you come to rely on the "Ant-Lions". When you first meet them, they are terrifying. They live in the sand, and come swarming when you walk on it (Tremors anyone?). This forces you to find things to jump to, or when there isn't anything, pick up an object to place on the sand to jump to (yet another way in which the physics system is used to solve problems; were it not for Source's physics system, I'd still be back on Highway 17, trying to figure out how to fight off 20 Ant-Lions with only 15 rounds of shotgun ammo). I couldn't help but think of the game "sand monster" I played when I was a kid. Eventually, a Vortigon gives you a pheromone that let's you control the Ant-Lions, and then they are terrifying, but as an ally. Still, it was always a little unnerving to turn around and see 4 big, ugly alien creatures following you closely, reacting to your every move. They are essentially cannon-fodder, but an unlimited supply of very deadly cannon fodder. It makes me think of the Achievement Demotivator from Despair.com; "You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor."
Perhaps one of my favorite non-human "characters" is Dr. Kleiner's pet "Lamar", a de-fanged head crab. It can be quite cute when it's not trying to gum your head. In its cutest moment in the game, Dr. Kleiner peeks around the doorway to find you and Alyx. At his feet is the head crab, peeking as well. It is then startled and runs off, just like a puppy-dog.
To say that Half-Life 2 is a pretty game is like saying Vladimir Horowitz could play the piano. Half-Life 2 was hit with the Pretty stick. Repeatedly. It is probably the most gorgeous game I have ever played. It doesn't accomplish this by overloading on polygons or calculating every ray of light from each of the dozen light sources in the room, the way Doom 3 does. Instead, the biggest contribution to Half-Life 2's high ogle-factor is the textures. It has some of the most detail ever. And then once the bump maps and shaders and all the pretty-fiers are applied, what you have is as close to photo-realism as has been achieved in a game. I noticed this early on when I was looking down a hallway in an apartment building in City 17. The floor was wooden. Parts of it were polished enough to be reflective. But others were scuffed, creating breaks and distortions in the reflections. When you looked at it at a shallow angle, the specular reflection wasn't quite straight. Instead it was dull and distorted, creating the illusion that the floor wasn't quite flat. Of course, the floor was one flat polygon, but you wouldn't know just from looking at it. It all made it seem like it was a real floor in a real slum apartment building, further adding to the immersion. I would also like to add that Half-Life 2 has the best-looking water effects of any game to date.
When it comes down to it, Half-Life 2 is a shooter, and in order to really be a great game, it has to be fun. Half-Life 2 delivers here with white-hot lead. It has some of the most diverse game play in a shooter ever. One level, you're navigating a zombie-infested apandoned ghost town. Another, you're driving an "air-boat" at break-neck speeds through Combine traps, and in yet another, you're ordering your squad through war-torn streets, trying to find some rocket ammo to take down the massive Striders. The last levels in the game make for some of the most intense FPS action ever, arguably on par with WW2 shooters like Call of Duty.
The game starts out in a paced manner. It's approximately 1 hour into the game before you finally get a weapon. That's not to say it's "slow" and it's definitely not saying it's "calm". One tense moment early on features Gordon fleeing from the Overwatch soldiers. He must navigate his way through an apartment building, up to the roof, and from there, a roof-top chase, dodging the bad guys all the way. This is a particularly effective action scene because 1) it's early in the game and you're not sure what's going on yet, and 2) you have no weapons.
Half-Life 2 has some seriously scary levels, too. Not "Doom 3" scary, but still getting there. Definitely more than I was expecting from Half-Life.
Probably one of my favorite sequences was the "air-boat". Over the course of several levels, you navigate what is essentially a hovercraft through canals, trying to get from City 17 to Black Mesa East, where Dr. Vance is located. The vehicle physics make for a fun ride, and some of the action sequences along the way are the best.
Half-Life 2 has tremendous level design. The levels are, for the most part, entirely linear (as in the first Half-Life), but remarkably, they don't feel that way. The designers did a very good job of herding you along a certain path without making it feel like you were even being guided. This is one area where a lot of shooter lose the sense of real life and an area where, as usual, Half-Life 2 excels.
Overall, Half-Life 2 doesn't feel so much like a game as it feels that for 20 hours or so, you become Gordon Freeman. You are dropped in City 17 with no explanation and in order to survive, you must battle your way through some of the most realistic environments ever assembled, against some of the most life-like enemies ever encountered, and make friends with some of the most human characters ever created on a computer. At times you almost forget they are just on a computer.
I can't wait to play through it again.
Immersion. If some one put a gun to my head and demanded to know why I thought Half-Life 2 was the greatest game ever, in one word, that would be my answer. The feeling of total immersion is what set the original Half-Life apart from every other shooter. Every little thing in the game contributed to this sense. From the first-person only, to the fact that there were no cutscenes to break up the action, to the completely continuous level design, where each level is just a continuation of the previous. These all helped Half-Life acheive the feeling that it was you in the room with the monsters jumping at you, and not some person whom you were watching and controlling from the other side of a screen. Now Half-Life 2 takes the immersion ball and runs with it.
If I had to point to one factor in Half-Life 2 that added more to that immersion feeling created in the original Half-Life than anything else, it would have to be the physics system. Games have been experimenting with physics for a while now. Ragdoll physics for dead bodies became the "in thing" a couple years ago. Max Payne 2 took physics a step further and had debris littered through the levels. If you shot some one and he fell backwards into a shelf, he would knock it over and all the boxes on the shelf would go flying. This all helped towards the immersion feeling, making it seem that you were running around in a real place, rather than in a defined box of immovable and un-interactable polygons. But Half-Life 2 goes a step further. It makes the physics an inseperable part of the game play. In Max Payne, it didn't really matter if the chair was knocked over when you bumped into it, but it added to the experience. In Half-Life 2, there are parts you could not pass, were it not for the physics system. A puzzle early on in the game has a large board balanced on a circular tube, in see-saw fashion. In order to reach a ledge, you need to raise the side that is down, in essence, changing the direction of the ramp. You do this by picking up the bricks that are scattered around the room and placing them on the side that is up. When you get enough bricks, the see-saw tips the opposite way. Just a short ways later, you repeat this, only opposite. A ramp is floating in the water, but is not high enough for you to make a jump on your vehicle. It has a cage submerged underneath it, and there are floating barrels around. You need to place the barrels in the cage to cause the ramp to float a little higher. It's things like this that make the world feel real. In too many other games, I tend to think "well, if this were real life I would just..." when faced with a problem situation. In Half-Life 2, it practically is real life, and guaranteed, you can use whatever solution you think of.
Another of the ways Half-Life 2 feels real is in the other characters. In most other games, the characters are stiff set pieces, there to provide some dialog to move the plot forward. This isn't always a problem since, in the immortal words of John Carmack, "story in a video game is like plot in a porno. You expect it to be there, but it really isn't necessary." In Half-Life 2, the characters feel like real people, and can act better than many Hollywood stars (insert Keanu Reeves joke here). The facial expressions are quite literally the most convincing to date, and the argument could be made that they even rival WETA's work on Gollum. From the look of disgust Alyx gives Dr. Mossman when Mossman insinuates that Alyx made a computational error, to the look of seething hatred, when Alyx discovers a resitance member is in fact working for the Combine, to the look of embarassment she gives when her father, Eli Vance, insinuates that there might be something between Gordon and Alyx, right down to the wink that Eli gives Gordon when Alyx turns her back (not a fake wink in which the "eye" texture is just replaced with an "eyelid" texture, mind you; this is a real wink; the eyebrow shifts, the cheek compresses, the corner of his mouth stretches to the side...) all contribute to the overwhelming sense that these are real people, and when you're fighting along side them, your not just trying to fulfill the games mission goals, but you actually want to genuinely help them.
Half-Life 2 is probably one of the first games where the characters move their eyes, rather than just turning their head. Alyx sometimes shoots you a sideways glance when talking to Dr. Kleiner. And this is definitely the first to game to calculate specular highlighting, based on the light sources in the rooms, off the eyeball. When I first heard in the E3 demo that this was one of the features of the Source engine, I thought "why would Valve waste processor cycles computing such an insignificant and un-noticable detail?" But it's because it's so small that it works so well. Your brain picks it up on a sub-conscious level, but it goes a long ways towards making the eye look real, like there's a thin layer of moisture on top of it, and that in turn makes the character feel like he's looking through the screen at you, the player.
The list of characters extends beyond just humans. You run into the occasional Vortigon, which were enemies in the first Half-Life, but now help out the resistance. But in battle, you come to rely on the "Ant-Lions". When you first meet them, they are terrifying. They live in the sand, and come swarming when you walk on it (Tremors anyone?). This forces you to find things to jump to, or when there isn't anything, pick up an object to place on the sand to jump to (yet another way in which the physics system is used to solve problems; were it not for Source's physics system, I'd still be back on Highway 17, trying to figure out how to fight off 20 Ant-Lions with only 15 rounds of shotgun ammo). I couldn't help but think of the game "sand monster" I played when I was a kid. Eventually, a Vortigon gives you a pheromone that let's you control the Ant-Lions, and then they are terrifying, but as an ally. Still, it was always a little unnerving to turn around and see 4 big, ugly alien creatures following you closely, reacting to your every move. They are essentially cannon-fodder, but an unlimited supply of very deadly cannon fodder. It makes me think of the Achievement Demotivator from Despair.com; "You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor."
Perhaps one of my favorite non-human "characters" is Dr. Kleiner's pet "Lamar", a de-fanged head crab. It can be quite cute when it's not trying to gum your head. In its cutest moment in the game, Dr. Kleiner peeks around the doorway to find you and Alyx. At his feet is the head crab, peeking as well. It is then startled and runs off, just like a puppy-dog.
To say that Half-Life 2 is a pretty game is like saying Vladimir Horowitz could play the piano. Half-Life 2 was hit with the Pretty stick. Repeatedly. It is probably the most gorgeous game I have ever played. It doesn't accomplish this by overloading on polygons or calculating every ray of light from each of the dozen light sources in the room, the way Doom 3 does. Instead, the biggest contribution to Half-Life 2's high ogle-factor is the textures. It has some of the most detail ever. And then once the bump maps and shaders and all the pretty-fiers are applied, what you have is as close to photo-realism as has been achieved in a game. I noticed this early on when I was looking down a hallway in an apartment building in City 17. The floor was wooden. Parts of it were polished enough to be reflective. But others were scuffed, creating breaks and distortions in the reflections. When you looked at it at a shallow angle, the specular reflection wasn't quite straight. Instead it was dull and distorted, creating the illusion that the floor wasn't quite flat. Of course, the floor was one flat polygon, but you wouldn't know just from looking at it. It all made it seem like it was a real floor in a real slum apartment building, further adding to the immersion. I would also like to add that Half-Life 2 has the best-looking water effects of any game to date.
When it comes down to it, Half-Life 2 is a shooter, and in order to really be a great game, it has to be fun. Half-Life 2 delivers here with white-hot lead. It has some of the most diverse game play in a shooter ever. One level, you're navigating a zombie-infested apandoned ghost town. Another, you're driving an "air-boat" at break-neck speeds through Combine traps, and in yet another, you're ordering your squad through war-torn streets, trying to find some rocket ammo to take down the massive Striders. The last levels in the game make for some of the most intense FPS action ever, arguably on par with WW2 shooters like Call of Duty.
The game starts out in a paced manner. It's approximately 1 hour into the game before you finally get a weapon. That's not to say it's "slow" and it's definitely not saying it's "calm". One tense moment early on features Gordon fleeing from the Overwatch soldiers. He must navigate his way through an apartment building, up to the roof, and from there, a roof-top chase, dodging the bad guys all the way. This is a particularly effective action scene because 1) it's early in the game and you're not sure what's going on yet, and 2) you have no weapons.
Half-Life 2 has some seriously scary levels, too. Not "Doom 3" scary, but still getting there. Definitely more than I was expecting from Half-Life.
Probably one of my favorite sequences was the "air-boat". Over the course of several levels, you navigate what is essentially a hovercraft through canals, trying to get from City 17 to Black Mesa East, where Dr. Vance is located. The vehicle physics make for a fun ride, and some of the action sequences along the way are the best.
Half-Life 2 has tremendous level design. The levels are, for the most part, entirely linear (as in the first Half-Life), but remarkably, they don't feel that way. The designers did a very good job of herding you along a certain path without making it feel like you were even being guided. This is one area where a lot of shooter lose the sense of real life and an area where, as usual, Half-Life 2 excels.
Overall, Half-Life 2 doesn't feel so much like a game as it feels that for 20 hours or so, you become Gordon Freeman. You are dropped in City 17 with no explanation and in order to survive, you must battle your way through some of the most realistic environments ever assembled, against some of the most life-like enemies ever encountered, and make friends with some of the most human characters ever created on a computer. At times you almost forget they are just on a computer.
I can't wait to play through it again.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Ask A Sleep-Deprived Technical Consultant Who Was Up All Night Playing Half-Life 2 And Is Now Hallucinating He Is In City 17.
Dear S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17,
I have question regarding modeling a fault-tolerant equipment configuration with a switching delay. A 6 of 7 configuration is shown below. When one of the blocks fails, the 7th block (the bottom block) requires 3 hours manual reconfiguration before it is ready to function as the replacement. (Each failure has a spare part associated with it that takes 24 hours to obtain, so this 3 hour reconfiguration is better than repairing the failed block). They way I’ve modeled this is:
-Assigned a switching delay of 3 hours for each of the 7 blocks.
-Set the “Local Standby” attribute to “checked” in the Node at the right of the blocks.
Is this the correct way to model this situation?
Thanks, Ted
----------------
Dear Dr. Kleiner,
Could you repeat that again? To me it sounded like you said you modeled it by:
-Assigned a switching delay of 3 hours for each of the 7 teleportation units.
-Set the “Head crab” attribute to “checked” in the Lambda Bunker at the right of the blocks.
Is this the correct way to model this gravity gun?
Regards, S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17.
---------------
Dear S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17,
Following are the issues I did notice during the software testing:
- If copy/paste function is used for blocks within the model the result is not correct. Pasted block is not taken in to calculation as expected
- MTTR calculation is not always as expected - I will give you one example. If I have two blocks in parallel (each with MTTR=4) the calculated MTTR for the system is 2 hrs!
Regards, Max
---------------
Dear G-Man
Yes, the crowbar function can be used to smash boxes within the level to find hidden power-ups. The smashed box will not always break apart as expected.
I will note your issues about the ammo clips not having as much ammo as you would expect. In the case you describe, the two boxes don't contain as much ammo because there are two in parallel next to each other, so they each only contain two clips instead of 4.
Regards, S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17.
--------------
Dear S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17,
I have attached for you an example i have produced by converting the current commercial parts Mil-217 file to the new format. Note that the failure rate, unavailability and failure data type fields are Null - they will not be used for the electronic parts. PI factors are not used - you can see the keyword format field as an example.
Regards, Stan
--------------
Dear Combine Soldier,
Die! Die! Die! Scum! Eat hot lead! Ha! I shall dangle you by your foot with my gravity gun! What's this? Oh no, you've summoned a Strider! Die, Strider scum! You've got a bright red dot on your face that looks like a pimple. Well, let me remove it with this rocket!
Regards, S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17.
Sleep-Deprived Technical Consultant Who Was Up All Night Playing Half-Life 2 And Is Now Hallucinating He Is In City 17 is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column appears in 1700 newspapers worldwide.
Dear S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17,
I have question regarding modeling a fault-tolerant equipment configuration with a switching delay. A 6 of 7 configuration is shown below. When one of the blocks fails, the 7th block (the bottom block) requires 3 hours manual reconfiguration before it is ready to function as the replacement. (Each failure has a spare part associated with it that takes 24 hours to obtain, so this 3 hour reconfiguration is better than repairing the failed block). They way I’ve modeled this is:
-Assigned a switching delay of 3 hours for each of the 7 blocks.
-Set the “Local Standby” attribute to “checked” in the Node at the right of the blocks.
Is this the correct way to model this situation?
Thanks, Ted
----------------
Dear Dr. Kleiner,
Could you repeat that again? To me it sounded like you said you modeled it by:
-Assigned a switching delay of 3 hours for each of the 7 teleportation units.
-Set the “Head crab” attribute to “checked” in the Lambda Bunker at the right of the blocks.
Is this the correct way to model this gravity gun?
Regards, S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17.
---------------
Dear S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17,
Following are the issues I did notice during the software testing:
- If copy/paste function is used for blocks within the model the result is not correct. Pasted block is not taken in to calculation as expected
- MTTR calculation is not always as expected - I will give you one example. If I have two blocks in parallel (each with MTTR=4) the calculated MTTR for the system is 2 hrs!
Regards, Max
---------------
Dear G-Man
Yes, the crowbar function can be used to smash boxes within the level to find hidden power-ups. The smashed box will not always break apart as expected.
I will note your issues about the ammo clips not having as much ammo as you would expect. In the case you describe, the two boxes don't contain as much ammo because there are two in parallel next to each other, so they each only contain two clips instead of 4.
Regards, S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17.
--------------
Dear S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17,
I have attached for you an example i have produced by converting the current commercial parts Mil-217 file to the new format. Note that the failure rate, unavailability and failure data type fields are Null - they will not be used for the electronic parts. PI factors are not used - you can see the keyword format field as an example.
Regards, Stan
--------------
Dear Combine Soldier,
Die! Die! Die! Scum! Eat hot lead! Ha! I shall dangle you by your foot with my gravity gun! What's this? Oh no, you've summoned a Strider! Die, Strider scum! You've got a bright red dot on your face that looks like a pimple. Well, let me remove it with this rocket!
Regards, S-DTCWWUANPH-L2AINHHIIC17.
Sleep-Deprived Technical Consultant Who Was Up All Night Playing Half-Life 2 And Is Now Hallucinating He Is In City 17 is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column appears in 1700 newspapers worldwide.
Monday, November 15, 2004
F.U. News in History
Antony van Leeuwenhoek Discovers Bacteria, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
September 17, 1683 - Dutch Tradesman and Lenscrafter Antony van Leeuwenhoek has announced two major discoveries. His first is the discovery of bacteria, tiny life-forms that are so small as to be invisible to the unaided eye. His second is Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, a psychological condition marked by irrational fear of bacteria.
Said van Leeuwenhoek, "For me, this was among all the marvels that I discovered in nature the most marvelous of all, and I must say, that for my part, no more pleasant sight has met my eye than this of so many thousand living creatures in one small drop of water. Then I realized how disgusting it is to have hundreds of trillions of tiny things living on and in oneself and began to dry-heave."
Van Leeuwenhoek makes "microscopes" by trade. These are special glass lenses that are used to magnify light and allow the user to see things much smaller than would otherwise be possible. It is while using this and improving upon the design that van Leeuwenhoek made his discoveries.
Writing to the Royal Society of London, van Leeuwenhoek describes plaque, "a little white matter, which is as thick as if 'twere batter," that he found between his teeth. He also took samples from two women and two old men. The men have never cleaned their teeth in their lives. Describing what he saw using his microscope in the plaque of the two older men, van Leeuwenhoek says he found "an unbelievably great company of living animalcules, a-swimming more nimbly than any I had ever seen up to this time. The biggest sort. . . bent their body into curves in going forwards. . . Moreover, the other animalcules were in such enormous numbers, that all the water. . . seemed to be alive. It is of utter disgust that this was found in a person's mouth of all places. The mere idea of such a finding makes one want to wretch."
According to van Leeuwenhoek, when he showed his findings to the older men, they both immediately went to vomit, then spent many hours cleaning out their mouths with whatever cleaning substance they could find. One scrubbed so hard that "his gums became red and began to bleed profusely, yet he could not seem to bring himself to stop cleaning, despite the pain he was bringing upon himself."
Van Leeuwenhoek has received numerous grants for his discovery and intends to use the money developing a substance that will kill these bacteria. Said van Leeuwenhoek, "I intend to spray or wipe this substance on any surface that I may come into contact with. I shall keep a ready supply on my person, to spray on my handkerchief and use to dis-infect my hands, should I be called upon to shake hands or greet another person."
Antony van Leeuwenhoek Discovers Bacteria, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
September 17, 1683 - Dutch Tradesman and Lenscrafter Antony van Leeuwenhoek has announced two major discoveries. His first is the discovery of bacteria, tiny life-forms that are so small as to be invisible to the unaided eye. His second is Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, a psychological condition marked by irrational fear of bacteria.
Said van Leeuwenhoek, "For me, this was among all the marvels that I discovered in nature the most marvelous of all, and I must say, that for my part, no more pleasant sight has met my eye than this of so many thousand living creatures in one small drop of water. Then I realized how disgusting it is to have hundreds of trillions of tiny things living on and in oneself and began to dry-heave."
Van Leeuwenhoek makes "microscopes" by trade. These are special glass lenses that are used to magnify light and allow the user to see things much smaller than would otherwise be possible. It is while using this and improving upon the design that van Leeuwenhoek made his discoveries.
Writing to the Royal Society of London, van Leeuwenhoek describes plaque, "a little white matter, which is as thick as if 'twere batter," that he found between his teeth. He also took samples from two women and two old men. The men have never cleaned their teeth in their lives. Describing what he saw using his microscope in the plaque of the two older men, van Leeuwenhoek says he found "an unbelievably great company of living animalcules, a-swimming more nimbly than any I had ever seen up to this time. The biggest sort. . . bent their body into curves in going forwards. . . Moreover, the other animalcules were in such enormous numbers, that all the water. . . seemed to be alive. It is of utter disgust that this was found in a person's mouth of all places. The mere idea of such a finding makes one want to wretch."
According to van Leeuwenhoek, when he showed his findings to the older men, they both immediately went to vomit, then spent many hours cleaning out their mouths with whatever cleaning substance they could find. One scrubbed so hard that "his gums became red and began to bleed profusely, yet he could not seem to bring himself to stop cleaning, despite the pain he was bringing upon himself."
Van Leeuwenhoek has received numerous grants for his discovery and intends to use the money developing a substance that will kill these bacteria. Said van Leeuwenhoek, "I intend to spray or wipe this substance on any surface that I may come into contact with. I shall keep a ready supply on my person, to spray on my handkerchief and use to dis-infect my hands, should I be called upon to shake hands or greet another person."
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Joe's 2004 Birthday/Christmas List.
As Seen On fu-news.com!
Games:
Lord of the Rings: Battle For Middle Earth
Sid Meier's Pirates!
Rome: Total War
Call of Duty: United Offensive
Nintendo Gameboy DS and
Music:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Soundtrack
O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack
Any of that cool Renaissance Advent/Christmas music that mom has
Any Cool Stuff From:
HomestarRunner.com, particularly
As Seen On fu-news.com!
Games:
Lord of the Rings: Battle For Middle Earth
Sid Meier's Pirates!
Rome: Total War
Call of Duty: United Offensive
Nintendo Gameboy DS and
- Super Mario 64 DS
DVDs:
Lord of the Rings - Return of the King: Extended Edition
Matrix Trilogy
Passion of the Christ
Futurama
Family Guy
Anything from the Pixar collection
- Toy Story 1&2
- Bug's Life
- Monsters, Inc.
- Finding Nemo
Anything from my Greatest War Movies collection (i.e. Movies Every 18-year-old Young Man Should See)
- Gladiator
- The Patriot
- Master and Commander
- Saving Private Ryan
- Band of Brothers
- We Were Soldiers
- Black Hawk Down
Anything from the M. Night Shyamalan Collection
- Sixth Sense
- Unbreakable
- Signs
Music:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Soundtrack
O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack
Any of that cool Renaissance Advent/Christmas music that mom has
Any Cool Stuff From:
HomestarRunner.com, particularly
ThinkGeek.com, particularly
Shirts
- html Geek T-shirt
- You Are Here T-shirt
- Geek, Gamer, and/or 31337 Shirt
- pi T-shirt
- Keep out of Direct Sunlight T-shirt
- Dangerous T-shirt
- There's No Place Like 127.0.0.1 T-shirt
Other stuff
Despair.com, particularly
Custom Bumper Sticker Slogans (Google "Custom Bumper Stickers" to find places that make them)
- War is not the answer; it's the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Half-Life is my Anti-Drug
- < /Car >
- Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? (Or Oscar Mike Foxtrot Golf?)
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Computer Programmer Fails to "Get It"
Forced to sleep on couch until he "gets it"
On Wednesday November 10th, 2004 Wife Ileana Adams brought brilliant computer programmer Tom Adams a picture of their nephew, Sean and asked him "What do you think?" To which he appropriately replied, "Hmmm... I wonder how they get so many particles into one shot. And all the shadowing... That can't be real-time, per particle." Wife Ileana appeared unexplainably upset by the observations and exclaimed, "You just don't get it! Don't expect to sleep in the bedroom tonight!"
We asked Hans Gruber, a noted computer expert and marriage counselor, for his analysis of the event. "These kind of marital disputes are perfectly normal. Its nothing that two people talking about it can not resolve." Adding "Is that real-time reflection or refraction?"
"I just can't take Tom's constant obsession with computers anymore." Wife Ileana told us. "He doesn't give a flyin’ F about family or anything important. Its constant, constant, constant. Megahertz this, floppy disk that. I mean, who cares!! Tom, this is something real! Don't you understand that
Father of the Sean, Henry, was asked to comment. "This whole argument is so bizarre. It is just the stupid kind of thing I would expect Tom to say. Besides the whole picture looks ray-traced to me."
Forced to sleep on couch until he "gets it"
On Wednesday November 10th, 2004 Wife Ileana Adams brought brilliant computer programmer Tom Adams a picture of their nephew, Sean and asked him "What do you think?" To which he appropriately replied, "Hmmm... I wonder how they get so many particles into one shot. And all the shadowing... That can't be real-time, per particle." Wife Ileana appeared unexplainably upset by the observations and exclaimed, "You just don't get it! Don't expect to sleep in the bedroom tonight!"
We asked Hans Gruber, a noted computer expert and marriage counselor, for his analysis of the event. "These kind of marital disputes are perfectly normal. Its nothing that two people talking about it can not resolve." Adding "Is that real-time reflection or refraction?"
"I just can't take Tom's constant obsession with computers anymore." Wife Ileana told us. "He doesn't give a flyin’ F about family or anything important. Its constant, constant, constant. Megahertz this, floppy disk that. I mean, who cares!! Tom, this is something real! Don't you understand that
Father of the Sean, Henry, was asked to comment. "This whole argument is so bizarre. It is just the stupid kind of thing I would expect Tom to say. Besides the whole picture looks ray-traced to me."
Monday, November 8, 2004
Worlds of Incredible Wonder Await Those Looking for Adventure, Provided They Can Turn on the Power.
By Atrus
D'NI - I knew the moment the book fell into the starry fissure that it would not be destroyed as I had planned. Instead, it would land somewhere, in some time, and lay in wait. Perhaps an unwary traveller would stumble upon it and, not knowing what lay within the book, open it. Should he do so, he would be brought to worlds of unimaginable beauty and intrigue, that he could explore and enjoy freely, provided he could figure out how to turn on the power.
My father taught me a rare talent. A talent all but forgotten, except by a few who still practice the art. With much care and creativity, we can write books to describe entirely new worlds. These books can then be used to "link" to these worlds. We don't create the worlds; we merely provide a method for travelling to these unexplored places; places beyond both time and imagination.
With the linking book lost to the void, I suspected that some person previously unfamiliar with the idea of linking between Ages, as they are called, may be brought to our home. Their, his senses would be dazzled, his mind amazed by the sights and sounds that greeted him. The things there may not be thought of by any mortal mind. An elevator into the trees, powered by the water from a windmill; a ship merged with a rocky spire, whose lights are powered by a generator in a lighthouse. The eager traveller could spend days, months, years, exploring the fascinations these worlds have to offer. That is, assuming he is clever enough to restore power to the worlds.
Through the art of writing, we can link to ages that exist beyond time and space. The powers of Father Time may seem to have no effect on the features of the ages. A metal panel can last a hundred years with no signs of rust. Rain can fall on a cliff face for millenia with no errosion. But for some reason, which neither my father nor I could ever deduce after years of research, is why the power would go out if left unattended for any serious length of time. And heaven help he who has to restore the power. A keen mind is just the beginning to figuring out what is needed.
For instance, once of the more magnificent Ages that I have ever linked to, Riven it was called, had some of the most amazing wonders. Hanging carts that speed through the air enabling quick transit from one island to the next. Microscopic bacteria that would repel water, and could thus be used to create tunnels underwater. The curious could spend a lifetime and not uncover all the secrets Riven had to offer. This is assuming that said curious could figure out how to restart the power generator. First, he would have to travel to each island and locate a small dome. But getting to each island is among one of the many challenges he will face. Assuming he is capable of not only getting to each island but also finding the dome, he would then have to note the particular color referred to on the dome. But even then, the color isn't shown. Instead, a symbol is shown that indicates a color. But these symbols aren't used anywhere other than on Riven, so the traveller would have to be fortunate enough to find a piece of paper that translates what each symbol means. But he still isn't done. On one particular island of the Age, he would have to find a special room with a holographic projector that tells him where, on a grid, each dome is located on each island. He better be writing this down, too, because there's no way he could remember this. Once he's found this out, he'd have to get to the power control room, which isn't easy to get to, and place the correctly colored marbles on the correct squares of a board consisting of hundreds of spaces. Even then, he will still have to guess about the color of the last marble. Only then could our traveller-friend restore power to Riven.
I sit here in D'ni, unable to leave. My sons have trapped me here. My father, turned evil, has imprisoned my wife. My only hope is for a traveller to discover the lost linking book and come to my aid. The traveller would have to be incredibly clever just to find me, though.
I'm not holding my breath.
By Atrus
D'NI - I knew the moment the book fell into the starry fissure that it would not be destroyed as I had planned. Instead, it would land somewhere, in some time, and lay in wait. Perhaps an unwary traveller would stumble upon it and, not knowing what lay within the book, open it. Should he do so, he would be brought to worlds of unimaginable beauty and intrigue, that he could explore and enjoy freely, provided he could figure out how to turn on the power.
My father taught me a rare talent. A talent all but forgotten, except by a few who still practice the art. With much care and creativity, we can write books to describe entirely new worlds. These books can then be used to "link" to these worlds. We don't create the worlds; we merely provide a method for travelling to these unexplored places; places beyond both time and imagination.
With the linking book lost to the void, I suspected that some person previously unfamiliar with the idea of linking between Ages, as they are called, may be brought to our home. Their, his senses would be dazzled, his mind amazed by the sights and sounds that greeted him. The things there may not be thought of by any mortal mind. An elevator into the trees, powered by the water from a windmill; a ship merged with a rocky spire, whose lights are powered by a generator in a lighthouse. The eager traveller could spend days, months, years, exploring the fascinations these worlds have to offer. That is, assuming he is clever enough to restore power to the worlds.
Through the art of writing, we can link to ages that exist beyond time and space. The powers of Father Time may seem to have no effect on the features of the ages. A metal panel can last a hundred years with no signs of rust. Rain can fall on a cliff face for millenia with no errosion. But for some reason, which neither my father nor I could ever deduce after years of research, is why the power would go out if left unattended for any serious length of time. And heaven help he who has to restore the power. A keen mind is just the beginning to figuring out what is needed.
For instance, once of the more magnificent Ages that I have ever linked to, Riven it was called, had some of the most amazing wonders. Hanging carts that speed through the air enabling quick transit from one island to the next. Microscopic bacteria that would repel water, and could thus be used to create tunnels underwater. The curious could spend a lifetime and not uncover all the secrets Riven had to offer. This is assuming that said curious could figure out how to restart the power generator. First, he would have to travel to each island and locate a small dome. But getting to each island is among one of the many challenges he will face. Assuming he is capable of not only getting to each island but also finding the dome, he would then have to note the particular color referred to on the dome. But even then, the color isn't shown. Instead, a symbol is shown that indicates a color. But these symbols aren't used anywhere other than on Riven, so the traveller would have to be fortunate enough to find a piece of paper that translates what each symbol means. But he still isn't done. On one particular island of the Age, he would have to find a special room with a holographic projector that tells him where, on a grid, each dome is located on each island. He better be writing this down, too, because there's no way he could remember this. Once he's found this out, he'd have to get to the power control room, which isn't easy to get to, and place the correctly colored marbles on the correct squares of a board consisting of hundreds of spaces. Even then, he will still have to guess about the color of the last marble. Only then could our traveller-friend restore power to Riven.
I sit here in D'ni, unable to leave. My sons have trapped me here. My father, turned evil, has imprisoned my wife. My only hope is for a traveller to discover the lost linking book and come to my aid. The traveller would have to be incredibly clever just to find me, though.
I'm not holding my breath.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Breaking News: FU-News.com Stocks Soar In Dot-Com Boom!
Majority Stock Holder, Tom Adams, worth Gagillions
Stock prices soared for FU-News.com on its debut amid fervent rumors on various newsgroups and chat rooms by some Super Hunky Guy. This news comes as a surprise to several small-minded stock brokerages. Some even went so far as distract from the Dot-Com’s success with allegations that the company had not announced its intent to go public, that FU-News.com was only bought and registered that week, that two of the site’s three contributors were completely unaware of these events, and that FU-News.com offers no product or possibility of generating a profit. Majority stock holder Tom Adams calls these allegations “petty” and “distracting” while once again reminding us to “look at all this [expletive] money!!”
Even more surprising than record breaking stock prices is that majority holder Tom Adams immediately sold all of his stock within a 48 hour period of its release for several Bazillion dollars. When asked for his motivations to relinquish a controlling share of the company, Tom told us “Two words: boo tay” and made several hand gestures about his waste. He of course refers to a Tibetan Freedom Charity we believe he may have donated several tens of dollars to already. Although we were unable to understand his hand gestures, we believe it was a cultural/religious reference.
The FTC, FCC, IRS, FBI, CIA, ATF, DEA, ACLU, UCLA, AOL, MPAA, NAACP, QWERTY and several other acronyms are conducting independent, dependant, interdependent, and outer-dependant investigations of the stock release. “These investigations are simply a distraction from the real promise of my company: gonzagas!” Tom Adams said again make hand gestures, this time outward and grasping. John Ashcroft told us this morning in a press conference “No charges are being brought at this time, however, we feel it may be-” before a large bag marked with a ‘$’ was dropped on his podium. “Thank you. I have no further questions – er – comments. Thank you have a good day” he finished, his voice squeaking at the end and eyes tearing up.
Tom Adams' current monetary value is considered to be several Quiggly-Jiggly-illions in American Dollars, Bibboty-Bobboty-Boozillions in Canadian dollars, and currently there is no number name to describe his value in Mexican Pesos. David and Joseph Belland, co-creators of FU-News.com, have not yet been reached for comment or even to let them know of these events.
Majority Stock Holder, Tom Adams, worth Gagillions
Stock prices soared for FU-News.com on its debut amid fervent rumors on various newsgroups and chat rooms by some Super Hunky Guy. This news comes as a surprise to several small-minded stock brokerages. Some even went so far as distract from the Dot-Com’s success with allegations that the company had not announced its intent to go public, that FU-News.com was only bought and registered that week, that two of the site’s three contributors were completely unaware of these events, and that FU-News.com offers no product or possibility of generating a profit. Majority stock holder Tom Adams calls these allegations “petty” and “distracting” while once again reminding us to “look at all this [expletive] money!!”
Even more surprising than record breaking stock prices is that majority holder Tom Adams immediately sold all of his stock within a 48 hour period of its release for several Bazillion dollars. When asked for his motivations to relinquish a controlling share of the company, Tom told us “Two words: boo tay” and made several hand gestures about his waste. He of course refers to a Tibetan Freedom Charity we believe he may have donated several tens of dollars to already. Although we were unable to understand his hand gestures, we believe it was a cultural/religious reference.The FTC, FCC, IRS, FBI, CIA, ATF, DEA, ACLU, UCLA, AOL, MPAA, NAACP, QWERTY and several other acronyms are conducting independent, dependant, interdependent, and outer-dependant investigations of the stock release. “These investigations are simply a distraction from the real promise of my company: gonzagas!” Tom Adams said again make hand gestures, this time outward and grasping. John Ashcroft told us this morning in a press conference “No charges are being brought at this time, however, we feel it may be-” before a large bag marked with a ‘$’ was dropped on his podium. “Thank you. I have no further questions – er – comments. Thank you have a good day” he finished, his voice squeaking at the end and eyes tearing up.
Tom Adams' current monetary value is considered to be several Quiggly-Jiggly-illions in American Dollars, Bibboty-Bobboty-Boozillions in Canadian dollars, and currently there is no number name to describe his value in Mexican Pesos. David and Joseph Belland, co-creators of FU-News.com, have not yet been reached for comment or even to let them know of these events.
F.U. News Presents
The Manly Man's Survival Guide: Bath & Body Works
Recently, I was requested by my wife to take her to a Bath & Body Works store so she could by girly soaps and things. Not knowing what I was getting into, I agreed. The only thing I knew about B&BW is that's where "bath bombs" come from. My wife loves those and anything that will get her in the bath with me is a good thing in my book. So I took her there and very quickly realized the error of my ways. But some good comes from everything and based on my experiences, I am able to present to you the Manly Man's Survival Guide to Bath & Body Works, should you ever find yourself in a position where your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/sister (W/F/G/S) drags you to a B&BW.
The Manly Man's Survival Guide: Bath & Body Works
Recently, I was requested by my wife to take her to a Bath & Body Works store so she could by girly soaps and things. Not knowing what I was getting into, I agreed. The only thing I knew about B&BW is that's where "bath bombs" come from. My wife loves those and anything that will get her in the bath with me is a good thing in my book. So I took her there and very quickly realized the error of my ways. But some good comes from everything and based on my experiences, I am able to present to you the Manly Man's Survival Guide to Bath & Body Works, should you ever find yourself in a position where your wife/fiancee/girlfriend/sister (W/F/G/S) drags you to a B&BW.
- If at all possible, avoid ever going to a B&BW. No matter what precautions are taken, even setting foot in one will bring about the perception among some that YOU ARE GAY.
- If you absolutely must go to a B&BW, never go alone. Always bring a woman with you, even if it is a woman you must club over the head and drag in with you. This will at least partially alleviate the impression that YOU ARE GAY.
- Never, under any circumstances, go to a B&BW with another guy, even if you are accompanied by a W/F/G/S. If there is another man in the store, never make eye contact with him and maintain a minimum distance of 20 ft. from him, otherwise it will give the impression that YOU ARE GAY.
- Try to limit expeditions to B&BW to 15 minutes or less. Studies have shown that the aromas that permeate the air in the store can be absorbed by the skin and police dogs can detect the smell in your skin for up to 10 days afterwords and will know that YOU ARE GAY.
- When inside the B&BW, always maintain physical contact with your W/F/G/S. Periodically make out with her, just so everyone understands that YOU ARE NOT GAY.
- Once inside the B&BW, never panic and run out without your W/F/G/S. Everyone outside, seeing you come out alone, will think that YOU ARE GAY.
- Never hold the basket for your W/F/G/S. Not only is it best that she should have to carry it, as encouragement for her to hurry up, but if she is not carrying it, it means she can leave the store at any time, but you can't, thus stranding you in the B&BW and proving that YOU ARE GAY.
- If your W/F/G/S asks you to get a product off a shelf for her, or to put one back, do not comply as doing so will get your fingerprints, dead skin cells, or other personally identifying mark on the product. If forensic detectives ever got a hold of the product, they would be able to link it to you, and prove that YOU ARE GAY. If you ever accidentally come into contact with a product, burn it immediately. Since saliva contains DNA and is traceable to you, it is best if you don't speak at all while in the B&BW. Also, since holding one's breath for 15 minutes can be difficult, bring an oxygen tank and mask.
- If, for whatever reason, you become separated from your W/F/G/S, immediately find the closest woman to you and begin making out with her, so everyone knows that YOU ARE NOT GAY.
- Some might wear a full environmental suit when entering a B&BW, to prevent the aroma from permeating their skin, and also to prevent any traceable skin cells, saliva or fingerprints from being left behind in the B&BW. While this can help, be aware that skin cells may end up outside the suit when putting it on, and the aroma will still permeate the suit, and may be contracted from the suit when it is taken off. Also, calling attention to oneself while in the store may make you look like a drama queen and everyone will think that YOU ARE GAY.
- Never, under any circumstances, allow your W/F/G/S to purchase items using your credit card at B&BW. Your banker, upon seeing a charge for B&BW works on your credit card will laugh at you and think that YOU ARE GAY. Note this does not apply if you have a joint account with your wife, as the banker cannot prove that it was you who made the purchase and not your wife (unless there is DNA evidence in the store). If your W/F/G/S absolutley must use your card, immediately call your bank and add her on to your account.
- If, while in the B&BW, their is another man who might possibly be gay and speaks to you, looks at you, comes within 20 ft. of you, or otherwise indicates that he recognizes your existence, immediately shoot yourself. It is better than having people think that YOU ARE GAY.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Top 10 Reasons to vote for Kerry
as stated by the DNC
10. He was in Vietnam
9. He has a plan that's better than yours
8. He was in Vietnam too
7. Bush is horrible
6. Kerry was also in Vietnam
5. Bush wasn't
4. But Kerry was
3. You can't judge a man by his past 30 years
2. But you can judge a man by what he did 40 years ago in Vietnam for a few months
1. Kerry has a better plan to lead the war he doesn't think is the right war but must be won even though he thinks it can't be won but maybe could be reduced to a nuisance although it doesn't even matter since it's only a distraction from the real issues like healthcare (Edwards' fault), job loss and the quagmire Bush left us in Iraq which Kerry has a better plan to lead...
as stated by the DNC
10. He was in Vietnam
9. He has a plan that's better than yours
8. He was in Vietnam too
7. Bush is horrible
6. Kerry was also in Vietnam
5. Bush wasn't
4. But Kerry was
3. You can't judge a man by his past 30 years
2. But you can judge a man by what he did 40 years ago in Vietnam for a few months
1. Kerry has a better plan to lead the war he doesn't think is the right war but must be won even though he thinks it can't be won but maybe could be reduced to a nuisance although it doesn't even matter since it's only a distraction from the real issues like healthcare (Edwards' fault), job loss and the quagmire Bush left us in Iraq which Kerry has a better plan to lead...
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Massive Forest Fire Destroys Imperial Station, Wipes Out Native Species.
From the Imperial News Network
SANCTUARY MOON, ENDOR SYSTEM - A massive forest fire that has burned over a million acres is blamed for the destruction of an Imperial outpost, as well as wiping out a native species, in the remote Endor system. As yet, the fire is less than 10% contained, with little hope for extinguishing it in the near future. The moon is uncolonized, aside from the destroyed outpost, giving Imperial forces little reason to continue battling the blaze.
483 members of the 92nd Scout Regiment from the 276th Imperial Army Division, who were stationed on the Forest Moon, are missing and presumed dead. Only 63 soldiers were able to be evacuated on the outpost's two shuttles before the landing platform was destroyed in the fire.
The Imperial Army Corps of Engineers has been assigned the task of rebuilding the outpost and determining what caused the fire in the first place. Initial investigations link the fire to the wreckage of a crashed Speeder Bike. The charred corpse of a Scout Trooper, identified as PFC Dek Parta, was found nearby. Investigators believe that PFC Parta and his Scouting unit were "joyriding" at unsafe speeds through the forest. According to the outposts log, the platoon to which Parta belonged, commanded by SSgt. Zev Wyker, had accumulated 15 reprimands for unsafe riding in the two weeks before the fire.
According to 1st Lt. J.G. Trelgiff of the Army Corps of Engineers, "Many of these Scout Troopers get their kicks from speeding through the forest. They'll race each other to show off and prove they're hot-shots to their squadmates. Our current theory is that during one of these races, Private Parta lost control of his bike and crashed into a tree. The resulting explosion sparked a fire which has since destroyed an entire outpost and killed many Troopers."
PFC Parta's parents and brother have been arrested under Imperial law which states that family members can be held accountable for a criminal's actions, if the criminal dies while commiting the felony. They have already been sentenced to death for the murder of 483 Imperial Officers and Enlisted and will be executed immediately.
1st Lt. Trelgiff has also made a formal recommendation that the Imperial Army begin "Speeder Bike Awareness" programs, to let Scouts know the danger of riding at unsafe speeds. The Emperor has already declared a new tax to pay for the programs. Additionally, the penalty for unsafe riding has been raised. Scouts who are caught doing so will now be court-martialed and shot.
Also destroyed in the blaze was an entire village of a primitive, native species of cuddly teddy bears. According to the Imperial Alien Research Agency, this was the only place where this species lived, and it is now believed to be extinct.
From the Imperial News Network
SANCTUARY MOON, ENDOR SYSTEM - A massive forest fire that has burned over a million acres is blamed for the destruction of an Imperial outpost, as well as wiping out a native species, in the remote Endor system. As yet, the fire is less than 10% contained, with little hope for extinguishing it in the near future. The moon is uncolonized, aside from the destroyed outpost, giving Imperial forces little reason to continue battling the blaze.
483 members of the 92nd Scout Regiment from the 276th Imperial Army Division, who were stationed on the Forest Moon, are missing and presumed dead. Only 63 soldiers were able to be evacuated on the outpost's two shuttles before the landing platform was destroyed in the fire.
The Imperial Army Corps of Engineers has been assigned the task of rebuilding the outpost and determining what caused the fire in the first place. Initial investigations link the fire to the wreckage of a crashed Speeder Bike. The charred corpse of a Scout Trooper, identified as PFC Dek Parta, was found nearby. Investigators believe that PFC Parta and his Scouting unit were "joyriding" at unsafe speeds through the forest. According to the outposts log, the platoon to which Parta belonged, commanded by SSgt. Zev Wyker, had accumulated 15 reprimands for unsafe riding in the two weeks before the fire.
According to 1st Lt. J.G. Trelgiff of the Army Corps of Engineers, "Many of these Scout Troopers get their kicks from speeding through the forest. They'll race each other to show off and prove they're hot-shots to their squadmates. Our current theory is that during one of these races, Private Parta lost control of his bike and crashed into a tree. The resulting explosion sparked a fire which has since destroyed an entire outpost and killed many Troopers."
PFC Parta's parents and brother have been arrested under Imperial law which states that family members can be held accountable for a criminal's actions, if the criminal dies while commiting the felony. They have already been sentenced to death for the murder of 483 Imperial Officers and Enlisted and will be executed immediately.
1st Lt. Trelgiff has also made a formal recommendation that the Imperial Army begin "Speeder Bike Awareness" programs, to let Scouts know the danger of riding at unsafe speeds. The Emperor has already declared a new tax to pay for the programs. Additionally, the penalty for unsafe riding has been raised. Scouts who are caught doing so will now be court-martialed and shot.
Also destroyed in the blaze was an entire village of a primitive, native species of cuddly teddy bears. According to the Imperial Alien Research Agency, this was the only place where this species lived, and it is now believed to be extinct.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Top 10h least likely video-game-based movies.
1. Ski-Free: Yeti's Revenge
2. Tomb Raider: Lara Croft Joins a Nunnery
3. The Last Free Cell
4. Minesweeper: Forbidden Voyage
5. Next to Last Fantasy
6. Microsoft Flight Simulator - 9/11
7. Doom: Rated G
8. Grand Theft Auto: Pleasantville
9. Walt Disney Presents Deer Hunter: Bambi Hunt
A. Unreal Tournament: Settling Our Differences Through Tolerance
B. Mortal Kombat: This One Doesn't Suck --OR--
C. Non-Fatal Kombat
D. Resident Kindness
E. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire: The Movie Based on the Game Based on the Book Based on The Movies
F. The Sims: Swimming Pool of Death
10. Counter-Strike: Terrorists Win
1. Ski-Free: Yeti's Revenge
2. Tomb Raider: Lara Croft Joins a Nunnery
3. The Last Free Cell
4. Minesweeper: Forbidden Voyage
5. Next to Last Fantasy
6. Microsoft Flight Simulator - 9/11
7. Doom: Rated G
8. Grand Theft Auto: Pleasantville
9. Walt Disney Presents Deer Hunter: Bambi Hunt
A. Unreal Tournament: Settling Our Differences Through Tolerance
B. Mortal Kombat: This One Doesn't Suck --OR--
C. Non-Fatal Kombat
D. Resident Kindness
E. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire: The Movie Based on the Game Based on the Book Based on The Movies
F. The Sims: Swimming Pool of Death
10. Counter-Strike: Terrorists Win
Monday, October 18, 2004
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Horoscopes
Brought to you by a bunch of dead guys. The stars foresee that you'll be joining them shortly, so best to become familiar with them.
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." But that won't fly with the cops when they ask why you're holding a gun and there are dead bodies in front and behind you.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." What he means is "It's not how many bodies lie on the ground, but the type of ammo and gun you use."
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. And those fools said it was impossible to eat a 160 oz. steak in an hour without exploding. It turns out the fools were right.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." He woulda been great at Doom.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." So obviously your life is in denial.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Mark Twain said "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great," but even he would belittle your ambitions for world domination. That just goes to show that he's a small person. Squish him between your fingers.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," according to Erin Majors. But you, the holder of the candle, will lose 70% of your skin and all the hair on your body this Thursday when you fail to detect the natural gas leak.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Bern Williams claims that "The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring," but your boss still won't let you take March 21st off as "Hope Day".
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live," says Henry David Thoreau. He obviously didn't care much for paraplegic leg amputees.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
From Robert Vallett you know that "The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand," but the doctor's will still turn you down when you ask for three heart transplants to be grafted on to your eyes and brain so you can know for sure whether the voices in your head are coming from unknowable, invisible aliens that follow you everywhere.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Deepak Chopra tells us that "In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you," but to fully realize this, you'll need a sizable electric shock to stop your heart.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either," said Leo Burnett. He obviously didn't share your unique problem of not knowing which way is up.
Brought to you by a bunch of dead guys. The stars foresee that you'll be joining them shortly, so best to become familiar with them.
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." But that won't fly with the cops when they ask why you're holding a gun and there are dead bodies in front and behind you.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant." What he means is "It's not how many bodies lie on the ground, but the type of ammo and gun you use."
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. And those fools said it was impossible to eat a 160 oz. steak in an hour without exploding. It turns out the fools were right.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." He woulda been great at Doom.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind." So obviously your life is in denial.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Mark Twain said "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great," but even he would belittle your ambitions for world domination. That just goes to show that he's a small person. Squish him between your fingers.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle," according to Erin Majors. But you, the holder of the candle, will lose 70% of your skin and all the hair on your body this Thursday when you fail to detect the natural gas leak.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Bern Williams claims that "The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring," but your boss still won't let you take March 21st off as "Hope Day".
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live," says Henry David Thoreau. He obviously didn't care much for paraplegic leg amputees.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
From Robert Vallett you know that "The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand," but the doctor's will still turn you down when you ask for three heart transplants to be grafted on to your eyes and brain so you can know for sure whether the voices in your head are coming from unknowable, invisible aliens that follow you everywhere.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Deepak Chopra tells us that "In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you," but to fully realize this, you'll need a sizable electric shock to stop your heart.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either," said Leo Burnett. He obviously didn't share your unique problem of not knowing which way is up.
Monday, October 4, 2004
Saturday, October 2, 2004
Ask John Kerry
Dear John Kerry,
I've been seeing someone for about a week now, but my parent's don't think its a good idea. I met him in a Barnes & Nobles and he's fifteen years older than me but we share the same interests. My friends tell me that love knows no bounds and I want this to work. How can I convince my parents that I'm old enough to make this kind of decision myself.
In love with an older man, FL
Dear In love with an older man from the great state of Florida,
Before I answer you question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard by these hurricanes. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.
About your question, I think you hit the screw right on the head. When I was in Vietnam, I had the leadership skills to choose who to have relationships with. It doesn't matter if they are older or younger, black or white. What's important is that we are all Americans. Back where I come from we have a saying, home is where you like to be. If you are most at home with this older gentleman, then that's where your h-- that's where you like to be.
You need to convince your parents to get on board with this relationship so that you don't have to go it alone. Have quad-lateral talks between your parents and your boyfriend. This is the wrong relationship at the wrong time and in the wrong place, you have to stick through it because it's important that you make this relationship work. Try getting more parents on board to help shoulder the burden of this relationship.
I have had one position on this relationship since I was in Vietnam and that is that you have planned this relationship poorly and that I can handle this relationship better.
Dear John Kerry,
I've been seeing someone for about a week now, but my parent's don't think its a good idea. I met him in a Barnes & Nobles and he's fifteen years older than me but we share the same interests. My friends tell me that love knows no bounds and I want this to work. How can I convince my parents that I'm old enough to make this kind of decision myself.
In love with an older man, FL
Dear In love with an older man from the great state of Florida,
Before I answer you question I want you to know how grateful I am that you are asking me your question, and I know that you have been hit hard by these hurricanes. You should know that the country and I have you in our thoughts.
About your question, I think you hit the screw right on the head. When I was in Vietnam, I had the leadership skills to choose who to have relationships with. It doesn't matter if they are older or younger, black or white. What's important is that we are all Americans. Back where I come from we have a saying, home is where you like to be. If you are most at home with this older gentleman, then that's where your h-- that's where you like to be.
You need to convince your parents to get on board with this relationship so that you don't have to go it alone. Have quad-lateral talks between your parents and your boyfriend. This is the wrong relationship at the wrong time and in the wrong place, you have to stick through it because it's important that you make this relationship work. Try getting more parents on board to help shoulder the burden of this relationship.
I have had one position on this relationship since I was in Vietnam and that is that you have planned this relationship poorly and that I can handle this relationship better.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Anti-virus Software Now Classified as Virus According to New Standard.
McAfee, Norton Subject to Criminal Prosecution.
According to a new definition of computer viruses released by the FCC, many anti-virus software applications are now considered computer viruses themselves and the companies responsible for developing them are liable to criminal prosecution.
The new standard defines a computer virus as "any software application which installs itself without the computer user's permission, or makes it difficult for the user to remove, short of extreme measures such as re-formatting (excluding operating systems), and also severly limits the functionality of the computer or other software applications already running on the computer." According to FCC officials, many commercial products, such as AOL and AIM, now qualify as viruses. But most ironically is the inclusion of McAfee VirusScan and Norton Anti-Virus on the list of viruses.
"What qualifies McAfee VirusScan as a virus is the manner in which it makes it next to impossible for the user to shut it off once it has been loaded onto a computer and also how it prevents most other applications from working properly once it has been installed," said Dr. Dean Villalpando of the FCC's computer virus investigation unit. "For instance with most programs, to exit, all you need to do is click the 'X' button, or the menu option. With VirusScan, the user must not only click the 'Disable' menu option and also close the software, but he must then press Ctrl+Alt+Del to open the task manager and shut down all processes associated with VirusScan to completely close it."
McAfee does also violate the installation without user's permission clause of the virus definition, according to Dr. Villalpando. "No matter how many times the user deletes or moves the Start Menu Program Group icons, whenever the user installs an update to the software, the icons are replaced. It's very difficult to equate 'Update my virus definitions' with 'Install icons in my Start Menu.'"
As for damaged or destroyed functionality of the computer or other applications, "the list goes on and on" says Dr. Villalpando. "From the way that the auto-update feature prevents the Windows Scheduled Tasks from running to the way the out-bound e-mail scanning prevents large e-mail attachments from being sent with Microsoft Outlook, to the way the inbound e-mail scanning prevents Outlook, Lotus, and other e-mail client programs from downloading e-mail, a computer running McAfee VirusScan has only about three quarters the functionality of any other computer."
Maurice Topete, a spokesman for McAfee said that the next version of VirusScan would add virus definition patterns for all the software that meets the new computer virus definition. "In McAfee VirusScan version 10, it will basically just scan for itself and delete itself. We expect users to notice no difference in functionality."
McAfee, Norton Subject to Criminal Prosecution.
According to a new definition of computer viruses released by the FCC, many anti-virus software applications are now considered computer viruses themselves and the companies responsible for developing them are liable to criminal prosecution.
The new standard defines a computer virus as "any software application which installs itself without the computer user's permission, or makes it difficult for the user to remove, short of extreme measures such as re-formatting (excluding operating systems), and also severly limits the functionality of the computer or other software applications already running on the computer." According to FCC officials, many commercial products, such as AOL and AIM, now qualify as viruses. But most ironically is the inclusion of McAfee VirusScan and Norton Anti-Virus on the list of viruses.
"What qualifies McAfee VirusScan as a virus is the manner in which it makes it next to impossible for the user to shut it off once it has been loaded onto a computer and also how it prevents most other applications from working properly once it has been installed," said Dr. Dean Villalpando of the FCC's computer virus investigation unit. "For instance with most programs, to exit, all you need to do is click the 'X' button, or the menu option. With VirusScan, the user must not only click the 'Disable' menu option and also close the software, but he must then press Ctrl+Alt+Del to open the task manager and shut down all processes associated with VirusScan to completely close it."
McAfee does also violate the installation without user's permission clause of the virus definition, according to Dr. Villalpando. "No matter how many times the user deletes or moves the Start Menu Program Group icons, whenever the user installs an update to the software, the icons are replaced. It's very difficult to equate 'Update my virus definitions' with 'Install icons in my Start Menu.'"
As for damaged or destroyed functionality of the computer or other applications, "the list goes on and on" says Dr. Villalpando. "From the way that the auto-update feature prevents the Windows Scheduled Tasks from running to the way the out-bound e-mail scanning prevents large e-mail attachments from being sent with Microsoft Outlook, to the way the inbound e-mail scanning prevents Outlook, Lotus, and other e-mail client programs from downloading e-mail, a computer running McAfee VirusScan has only about three quarters the functionality of any other computer."
Maurice Topete, a spokesman for McAfee said that the next version of VirusScan would add virus definition patterns for all the software that meets the new computer virus definition. "In McAfee VirusScan version 10, it will basically just scan for itself and delete itself. We expect users to notice no difference in functionality."
Monday, September 27, 2004
Ask the Annoying Jerk down the hall who yells into his phone all day.
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I am a receptionist in a law firm. There are times when I am very busy, but there are long stretches when there is nothing to do. Is it proper for me to read during the downtime? I feel awkward when my boss sees me reading. -- BORED ON THE JOB
Dear Blow Job
No, I missed your call. Yeah, I was out of the office last week. I had surgery. On my intestines. Yeah, it was pretty awful. I still feel bloated from it. Yeah, they stick this hose in you and pump your body full of air. Yeah, I felt like sh-- all week last week. No I still feel pretty f---ing bloated. Yeah, so I didn't get any of the messages you left.
He what? What's that SOB trying to do? J---- H. C-----, what's wrong with him? Hey Richard, check this out. I'm gonna conference you in on this. Hi, you still there? Yeah, I've got Richard on the line. Tell him what you just told me. Can you believe that? Can you f---ing believe that. That guy is such a sh--head. Yeah, we'll have to call him and have a nice long discussion with him. That guy is such a b------.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Is it just me, or has the world gone "tip crazy"? I find tip baskets on the counter at the local coffee house, the yogurt shop, the juice shop -- even near the cash register in the cafeteria in my office building. It seems that even though these people are paid to perform these particular services, they think they should be tipped on top of it. Where will it end? Should I expect tip canisters at the doctor's office, my car mechanic's or the post office? I can't afford to tip everyone I come in contact with. What is proper tip protocol now? -- ALL TIPPED OUT
Dear Trippy
Hello? Could you repeat that? I missed what you said. The people down the hall are slamming their doors. F---ing rude of them, if you ask me.
No, I don't drink milk. I think it's just wrong. It's really weird, drinking the milk of another animal. You know we're the only species that does that? Yeah, I just can't. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's totally sick and wrong.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Like most people, I have a pet peeve. Mine is when people make fun of my name. I think it's really rude when somebody makes fun of anyone's name, no matter how weird it is. My name isn't particularly odd, but people still make fun of it! Sometimes I can't help but lash out at them when they do. Usually they get on my case for being rude, but I think they had it coming by insulting me. What do you think? -- Doug Mye
Dear Dumb Guy,
Hello? Hey, Doug. That's your real name? Doug? So, Doug, do you dig a lot? Do you wanna be a post hole digger? Is that your preferred profession?
So how was your labor day? Good, good. No, mine was rotten. It really sucked a--. It was the worst labor day in my life. Well, everything was wrong. Just everything was s---. Oh the traffic was only the beginning of it. Yeah, it was just f---ing awful.
What are you doing this weekend? Sounds like fun. Yeah, my friend an I are going down to a bar this weekend. Yeah, we're going to try and pick up some tail. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. Gonna ride the a-- coaster.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I seem to have the worst luck with office neighbors. Before, the office next to mine was inhabited by college-girl telemarketers and when they weren't giving their bogus sales pitch, they were talking about their sex lives. I couldn't stand them.
Well, they finally moved out, but now this annoying jerk named Jeff has moved in. He does nothing but swear on the phone all day. He'll turn on the speakerphone and yell into it, while I'm trying to work. It's really annoying. I'd close my office door (although I can still hear him; he's just not as loud), but I have other people continually coming in and out of my office all day. I think if he's going to be so rude and unprofessional as to curse and swear on the phone all day, he should at least close his door.
He also goes out for a smoke break seemingly every half hour and comes back wreaking of cigarette smoke. He tries to cover it up by emptying half a bottle of cheap cologne on himself, but that makes the stench worse. After he walks down the hallway, I try not leave my office for 10 minutes while the smell clears out. Once I was walking down the hallway and he came in the opposite direction and I nearly fell to my knees and gagged. I feel really sorry for the other people who work in the same office as him. Maybe there is a they leave the office door open!
So my question is, is it possible to kill someone by poisoning a cigarette? This is just a hypothetical question for a murder story I'm writing. -- Fed up with Jerks
Dear Joe,
Holy sh--! Did you feel that? You couldn't feel that? How could you not have? The whole building was swaying. We had an earthquake. That must have been f---ing huge. See, you can see the blinds swaying. That had to have been an 8 or 9. Man, I'm gonna get out of here before this whole f---ing building comes down like the Twin Towers.
Hey. I'm back. Yeah, I had a quick smoke, how could you tell? You mean my cheap, vile-smelling cologne didn't cover up the cigarette smoke? No? It should have, considering I dumped half the f---ing bottle on me.
Yeah, they said on the news it was like a magnitude 3 point something. Yeah, not as powerful as it felt. Only about a third the power that it felt like. Yeah, well they probably don't know sh-- on the news.
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I am a receptionist in a law firm. There are times when I am very busy, but there are long stretches when there is nothing to do. Is it proper for me to read during the downtime? I feel awkward when my boss sees me reading. -- BORED ON THE JOB
Dear Blow Job
No, I missed your call. Yeah, I was out of the office last week. I had surgery. On my intestines. Yeah, it was pretty awful. I still feel bloated from it. Yeah, they stick this hose in you and pump your body full of air. Yeah, I felt like sh-- all week last week. No I still feel pretty f---ing bloated. Yeah, so I didn't get any of the messages you left.
He what? What's that SOB trying to do? J---- H. C-----, what's wrong with him? Hey Richard, check this out. I'm gonna conference you in on this. Hi, you still there? Yeah, I've got Richard on the line. Tell him what you just told me. Can you believe that? Can you f---ing believe that. That guy is such a sh--head. Yeah, we'll have to call him and have a nice long discussion with him. That guy is such a b------.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Is it just me, or has the world gone "tip crazy"? I find tip baskets on the counter at the local coffee house, the yogurt shop, the juice shop -- even near the cash register in the cafeteria in my office building. It seems that even though these people are paid to perform these particular services, they think they should be tipped on top of it. Where will it end? Should I expect tip canisters at the doctor's office, my car mechanic's or the post office? I can't afford to tip everyone I come in contact with. What is proper tip protocol now? -- ALL TIPPED OUT
Dear Trippy
Hello? Could you repeat that? I missed what you said. The people down the hall are slamming their doors. F---ing rude of them, if you ask me.
No, I don't drink milk. I think it's just wrong. It's really weird, drinking the milk of another animal. You know we're the only species that does that? Yeah, I just can't. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It's totally sick and wrong.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
Like most people, I have a pet peeve. Mine is when people make fun of my name. I think it's really rude when somebody makes fun of anyone's name, no matter how weird it is. My name isn't particularly odd, but people still make fun of it! Sometimes I can't help but lash out at them when they do. Usually they get on my case for being rude, but I think they had it coming by insulting me. What do you think? -- Doug Mye
Dear Dumb Guy,
Hello? Hey, Doug. That's your real name? Doug? So, Doug, do you dig a lot? Do you wanna be a post hole digger? Is that your preferred profession?
So how was your labor day? Good, good. No, mine was rotten. It really sucked a--. It was the worst labor day in my life. Well, everything was wrong. Just everything was s---. Oh the traffic was only the beginning of it. Yeah, it was just f---ing awful.
What are you doing this weekend? Sounds like fun. Yeah, my friend an I are going down to a bar this weekend. Yeah, we're going to try and pick up some tail. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. Gonna ride the a-- coaster.
-----
Dear Annoying Jerk,
I seem to have the worst luck with office neighbors. Before, the office next to mine was inhabited by college-girl telemarketers and when they weren't giving their bogus sales pitch, they were talking about their sex lives. I couldn't stand them.
Well, they finally moved out, but now this annoying jerk named Jeff has moved in. He does nothing but swear on the phone all day. He'll turn on the speakerphone and yell into it, while I'm trying to work. It's really annoying. I'd close my office door (although I can still hear him; he's just not as loud), but I have other people continually coming in and out of my office all day. I think if he's going to be so rude and unprofessional as to curse and swear on the phone all day, he should at least close his door.
He also goes out for a smoke break seemingly every half hour and comes back wreaking of cigarette smoke. He tries to cover it up by emptying half a bottle of cheap cologne on himself, but that makes the stench worse. After he walks down the hallway, I try not leave my office for 10 minutes while the smell clears out. Once I was walking down the hallway and he came in the opposite direction and I nearly fell to my knees and gagged. I feel really sorry for the other people who work in the same office as him. Maybe there is a they leave the office door open!
So my question is, is it possible to kill someone by poisoning a cigarette? This is just a hypothetical question for a murder story I'm writing. -- Fed up with Jerks
Dear Joe,
Holy sh--! Did you feel that? You couldn't feel that? How could you not have? The whole building was swaying. We had an earthquake. That must have been f---ing huge. See, you can see the blinds swaying. That had to have been an 8 or 9. Man, I'm gonna get out of here before this whole f---ing building comes down like the Twin Towers.
Hey. I'm back. Yeah, I had a quick smoke, how could you tell? You mean my cheap, vile-smelling cologne didn't cover up the cigarette smoke? No? It should have, considering I dumped half the f---ing bottle on me.
Yeah, they said on the news it was like a magnitude 3 point something. Yeah, not as powerful as it felt. Only about a third the power that it felt like. Yeah, well they probably don't know sh-- on the news.
Election Coverage 2004
The debate so far
George Soros: Bush sucks!
Gephardt, Dean, Lieberman, Edwards, Sharpton, Kerry: I agree.
Bush: Kwicherbellyachin.
Kerry: Vote for me I served in Vietnam and all the vets love me!
John O'Neal: I served with John Kerry and he sucks.
Kerry: How dare you bring Vietnam into this! Stick to the issues. Bush! Make him stop.
Bush: While I think all 527s should stop, I can't do anything about it because to do so would violate McCain-Feingold.
Kerry: There's a cop-out if ever I heard one, bringing up some 'law'.
Dozens of other groups: Kerry sucks!
Kerry: This is just another thinly-veiled attempt by Bush to divert attention from his dismal record and the issues that really matter, like my Vietnam record.
Swift Boat Vets: But your Vietnam record sucks!
Kerry: There you go again! Trying to divert attention from the issues by bringing up Vietnam.
1997 John Kerry: The US can't count on France or Russia. We should pre-emptively invade Iraq without their support!
2002 Bush: Let's go to war with Iraq. It won't be easy.
2002 Kerry: OK!
2003 Bush: We need money for the troops.
Kerry: Ok. No.
2004 Kerry: Hey! This is hard! Why didn't you tell us?
Bush: I did.
Kerry: Well, why didn't you get France and Russia?
Bush: The invitation for them to join in was open.
Kerry: Well, we needed their help. This war is meaningless without international support.
Bush: What about Britain, Spain, Poland, Italy, Australia, Honduras, etc.
Kerry: They don't count because they aren't France, Germany, and Russia.
Bush: But you said we don't need them.
Kerry: No I didn't. They're our long-standing traditional allies, despite the fact that we've been at war with two of those three multiple times in the last century.
Bush: Whatever.
Kerry: Vote for me! I can bring legitimate nations to the table!
Bush: And I can't?
Kerry: Of course not. You've insulted them and they'll never trust you. You can only put together a coalition of the coerced.
Bush: Didn't you just insult several nations?
Kerry: Of course not.
Allawi: Iraq is making steady progress towards the elections in January.
Bush: They sure are.
Kerry: No they aren't. Iraq is a quagmire created by Bush and Allawi is a US stooge.
Allawi: *low growl*
Bush: Speaking of insulting world leaders....
The debate so far
George Soros: Bush sucks!
Gephardt, Dean, Lieberman, Edwards, Sharpton, Kerry: I agree.
Bush: Kwicherbellyachin.
Kerry: Vote for me I served in Vietnam and all the vets love me!
John O'Neal: I served with John Kerry and he sucks.
Kerry: How dare you bring Vietnam into this! Stick to the issues. Bush! Make him stop.
Bush: While I think all 527s should stop, I can't do anything about it because to do so would violate McCain-Feingold.
Kerry: There's a cop-out if ever I heard one, bringing up some 'law'.
Dozens of other groups: Kerry sucks!
Kerry: This is just another thinly-veiled attempt by Bush to divert attention from his dismal record and the issues that really matter, like my Vietnam record.
Swift Boat Vets: But your Vietnam record sucks!
Kerry: There you go again! Trying to divert attention from the issues by bringing up Vietnam.
1997 John Kerry: The US can't count on France or Russia. We should pre-emptively invade Iraq without their support!
2002 Bush: Let's go to war with Iraq. It won't be easy.
2002 Kerry: OK!
2003 Bush: We need money for the troops.
Kerry: Ok. No.
2004 Kerry: Hey! This is hard! Why didn't you tell us?
Bush: I did.
Kerry: Well, why didn't you get France and Russia?
Bush: The invitation for them to join in was open.
Kerry: Well, we needed their help. This war is meaningless without international support.
Bush: What about Britain, Spain, Poland, Italy, Australia, Honduras, etc.
Kerry: They don't count because they aren't France, Germany, and Russia.
Bush: But you said we don't need them.
Kerry: No I didn't. They're our long-standing traditional allies, despite the fact that we've been at war with two of those three multiple times in the last century.
Bush: Whatever.
Kerry: Vote for me! I can bring legitimate nations to the table!
Bush: And I can't?
Kerry: Of course not. You've insulted them and they'll never trust you. You can only put together a coalition of the coerced.
Bush: Didn't you just insult several nations?
Kerry: Of course not.
Allawi: Iraq is making steady progress towards the elections in January.
Bush: They sure are.
Kerry: No they aren't. Iraq is a quagmire created by Bush and Allawi is a US stooge.
Allawi: *low growl*
Bush: Speaking of insulting world leaders....
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Please Allow Me To Inflate My Intelligence At Your Expense Now That I Have Found Something You Don’t Know
Oh, you’re a programmer? CS major huh? Yeah, I could have done that. I majored in business. Yeah, I’m a big fan of Edwin Fleischman. You know, CEO of AmeriComputeCorp. I figured a CS major would’ve known who that was. He was really the inventor of streaming text over the Internet.
Oh, I can’t get into the specifics of it right now because I’m sure you know it’s such a complicated process. It involved some programming, but the real key to his success was his ability to watch market shares and to provide a turn-key solution that could interface with the scope of the project.
What programming language did he use? Well, you’re a programmer too, what would you have used? C++? Java? No, guys in my field use VB.NET. It provides a lot more power, trust me I know, I code. You haven’t used VB.NET yet? Whoa, you don’t know what you are missing. I wrote my first OS in VB.NET. It was pretty good, but I’m sure if I ported it to Javascript and ran it in the newest browser out now, Gojilla FlamingCat, it would put Microsoft out of business in a week.
Why, Gojilla FlamingCat? Well you should know the obvious advantages it has over every other major browser. Its ten-gig encryption plug-in provides more security. Also it runs on just about every OS. What do you mean that it doesn’t make any sense to say you can write an OS in JavaScript and run it in an application already running in an OS? I didn’t say that Gojilla actually had to load in an OS. It just runs in about any OS. They also have a bootable medium that you can start to run your JavaScript OS. Oh, never mind, you’ll just have to trust me on this one.
What do you think of the new peer-to-peer word processor they say is going to put Microsoft out in a month? Oh, you should know about this. Its code is currently labeled TOP SECRET but a buddy of mine got a copy and it takes HTML coding to a new level.
Hey I think that pencil is sharp enough by know, smart guy. What tha! Why did you stab me!?!?
Oh, you’re a programmer? CS major huh? Yeah, I could have done that. I majored in business. Yeah, I’m a big fan of Edwin Fleischman. You know, CEO of AmeriComputeCorp. I figured a CS major would’ve known who that was. He was really the inventor of streaming text over the Internet.
Oh, I can’t get into the specifics of it right now because I’m sure you know it’s such a complicated process. It involved some programming, but the real key to his success was his ability to watch market shares and to provide a turn-key solution that could interface with the scope of the project.
What programming language did he use? Well, you’re a programmer too, what would you have used? C++? Java? No, guys in my field use VB.NET. It provides a lot more power, trust me I know, I code. You haven’t used VB.NET yet? Whoa, you don’t know what you are missing. I wrote my first OS in VB.NET. It was pretty good, but I’m sure if I ported it to Javascript and ran it in the newest browser out now, Gojilla FlamingCat, it would put Microsoft out of business in a week.
Why, Gojilla FlamingCat? Well you should know the obvious advantages it has over every other major browser. Its ten-gig encryption plug-in provides more security. Also it runs on just about every OS. What do you mean that it doesn’t make any sense to say you can write an OS in JavaScript and run it in an application already running in an OS? I didn’t say that Gojilla actually had to load in an OS. It just runs in about any OS. They also have a bootable medium that you can start to run your JavaScript OS. Oh, never mind, you’ll just have to trust me on this one.
What do you think of the new peer-to-peer word processor they say is going to put Microsoft out in a month? Oh, you should know about this. Its code is currently labeled TOP SECRET but a buddy of mine got a copy and it takes HTML coding to a new level.
Hey I think that pencil is sharp enough by know, smart guy. What tha! Why did you stab me!?!?
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
The World Is Not Properly Aware of What Irks Me
By Hugh Jass, PHB
I admit I have a lot of pet peeves. Women, Democrats, women democrats to name a few. But you know what really bugs me most? When people don't know about the things that bug me.
I'll be talking with some stranger on the bus and I'll mention that the crying baby two seats back annoys me almost as much as Mexican drivers, and you know how much they annoy me. To which the guy responds, "No, I don't know how much they annoy you." Are you kidding me? Why are you so painfully unaware of every little thing that bugs me? So I gotta launch in to a rant about why Mexican drivers are the bain of human existence. It'll probably make me late for work too, hammering home every last detail about about the topic.
This is especially true about movies. For some reason, people don't seem to get that my opinion of movies is the gospel truth. If they disagree, they're not just wrong; they're stupid. Like when I was talking to my secratary about how the charts she printed up for the year-end meeting were rivalled only by Spielberg's A.I. she thought at first that I was giving her a compliment! Damn it, woman, you should know that not only is A.I. demonstrably one of the worst cimenatic disasters ever, but that good ol' Steven made it specifically and for no other reason than to get under my skin. I would've threatened to fire her for being so incompetently ignorant, but the higher-ups don't like it when I do that. I speak from experience on this one. That's another of my bothers: how I can't get rid of employees who disagree with me (and are therefore wrong and stupid).
Perhaps the worst violator of the always-know-what-irritates-me rule is my ex-wife. Whenever I go to pick up the kids for my one-weekend-a-month, she always gets them ice cream sundaes just before I come. That makes the little rugrats obnoxiously hyper by the time I get there. You'd think she'd know by now that it really annoys me, yet she keeps doing it. And she wonders why I left her for that 22-year-old blonde. Sheesh woman, get a clue.
By Hugh Jass, PHB
I admit I have a lot of pet peeves. Women, Democrats, women democrats to name a few. But you know what really bugs me most? When people don't know about the things that bug me.
I'll be talking with some stranger on the bus and I'll mention that the crying baby two seats back annoys me almost as much as Mexican drivers, and you know how much they annoy me. To which the guy responds, "No, I don't know how much they annoy you." Are you kidding me? Why are you so painfully unaware of every little thing that bugs me? So I gotta launch in to a rant about why Mexican drivers are the bain of human existence. It'll probably make me late for work too, hammering home every last detail about about the topic.
This is especially true about movies. For some reason, people don't seem to get that my opinion of movies is the gospel truth. If they disagree, they're not just wrong; they're stupid. Like when I was talking to my secratary about how the charts she printed up for the year-end meeting were rivalled only by Spielberg's A.I. she thought at first that I was giving her a compliment! Damn it, woman, you should know that not only is A.I. demonstrably one of the worst cimenatic disasters ever, but that good ol' Steven made it specifically and for no other reason than to get under my skin. I would've threatened to fire her for being so incompetently ignorant, but the higher-ups don't like it when I do that. I speak from experience on this one. That's another of my bothers: how I can't get rid of employees who disagree with me (and are therefore wrong and stupid).
Perhaps the worst violator of the always-know-what-irritates-me rule is my ex-wife. Whenever I go to pick up the kids for my one-weekend-a-month, she always gets them ice cream sundaes just before I come. That makes the little rugrats obnoxiously hyper by the time I get there. You'd think she'd know by now that it really annoys me, yet she keeps doing it. And she wonders why I left her for that 22-year-old blonde. Sheesh woman, get a clue.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Movie-a-minute Review: Hero
by Oliver Klosov, Movie Correspondant
*Spoiler Warning*
Ruthless Emperor: You killed the three greatest assassins? How?
Nameless Hero: Well, here's what happened.
Emperor: I think you lie. Here's what really happened.
Nameless: Not Quite. Here's what really happened... [hesitates].
Emperor: And...?
Nameless: Well, here's what really, really happened.
Emperor: So are you going to kill me?
Nameless: No. As cruel and evil as you are, it's more important that China be united under one evil dictator than split into several benevolent states. You hear that Taiwan?
Emperor: [Executes Nameless]
Audience: What just happened?
by Oliver Klosov, Movie Correspondant
*Spoiler Warning*
Ruthless Emperor: You killed the three greatest assassins? How?
Nameless Hero: Well, here's what happened.
Emperor: I think you lie. Here's what really happened.
Nameless: Not Quite. Here's what really happened... [hesitates].
Emperor: And...?
Nameless: Well, here's what really, really happened.
Emperor: So are you going to kill me?
Nameless: No. As cruel and evil as you are, it's more important that China be united under one evil dictator than split into several benevolent states. You hear that Taiwan?
Emperor: [Executes Nameless]
Audience: What just happened?
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Sure is a good thing I lift weights
Cpl Vangoderhafersham
Earth Space Marine
Holy crap! My shotgun just ripped the head off that zombie-thing! Well, I better reload and get ready for something else. Hmmm… I’ll just reach down to my bandoleer of 97 shotgun shells. Now I only have 96. Jeez, this bandoleer sure has been getting heavy. I’ve carried this thing for the last two hours, and probably carried it at least 3 miles now. At least it wasn’t full when I started. I picked up most of the ammo as I went. Strange so much of it was just lying around. I guess I—
Oh crap! Die fowl demon scum! I better switch to my chain gun. That got him! Man I love the whir of that gun. Too bad I have to haul 500 rounds of ammo just to get 10 seconds of joy. Dang, I’m down to 264 rounds. Oh there’s some just lying on the ground next to some extra shotgun shells. Now where did I put that shotgun? Oh, here it is strapped to my back. Let me just, uh, well let me just strap the chain gun to my belt while I reload the shotgun.
Wow, a hidden area! What makes this area more hidden than any other area on this level – er I mean space installation? Well obviously that special little chime played when I walked in so it must be hidden. I’m sure someone somewhere is giving me extra points or something. A rocket launcher? Where the heck am I gonna put that? I wish I could find a hidden area with a super secret sack which I could stuff all my crap in and drag it behind me. Holy mother of all things beautiful in Cleveland! A box of 10 rocket rounds is heavier than --- well its pretty darn heavy.
It’s good thing I took that Space Marine sensitivity training or I probably would have sworn a second ago.
I think I see some badies coming. Let me just put this crap down. Now rocket launcher… gotta… get the ammo… out of the darn box… oh crap I just tore the packaging. Now they’re just rolling all over the place. Well, I’ll pick them up later after I fire the two nearest me. Wow! That’ll learn ‘em! Ain’t no power in hell apparently powerful enough to withstand a good RPG to the chest.
Now how am I gonna take all this stuff with me. It must weigh at least 400. My stupid body armor certainly weighs enough. Maybe I could ditch a couple of these first aid kits. How many wounds do I really think I can take? Besides that many shots of adrenaline would kill me if I took them all within the same 2 hour period.
Well it sure is a good thing I lift weights because I probably couldn’t even hold the chain gun if I didn’t. Well I guess I could hollow out the rib cage of that demon thing and stuff everything in it… I could drag it by the spinal cord? I dunno. Maybe I could find some rope and tie everything together and just drag it behind me? Too bad they don’t make more pockets for these pants or a bigger back pack. Oh fudge it. I’m gonna go play Boggle.
Cpl Vangoderhafersham
Earth Space Marine
Holy crap! My shotgun just ripped the head off that zombie-thing! Well, I better reload and get ready for something else. Hmmm… I’ll just reach down to my bandoleer of 97 shotgun shells. Now I only have 96. Jeez, this bandoleer sure has been getting heavy. I’ve carried this thing for the last two hours, and probably carried it at least 3 miles now. At least it wasn’t full when I started. I picked up most of the ammo as I went. Strange so much of it was just lying around. I guess I—
Oh crap! Die fowl demon scum! I better switch to my chain gun. That got him! Man I love the whir of that gun. Too bad I have to haul 500 rounds of ammo just to get 10 seconds of joy. Dang, I’m down to 264 rounds. Oh there’s some just lying on the ground next to some extra shotgun shells. Now where did I put that shotgun? Oh, here it is strapped to my back. Let me just, uh, well let me just strap the chain gun to my belt while I reload the shotgun.
Wow, a hidden area! What makes this area more hidden than any other area on this level – er I mean space installation? Well obviously that special little chime played when I walked in so it must be hidden. I’m sure someone somewhere is giving me extra points or something. A rocket launcher? Where the heck am I gonna put that? I wish I could find a hidden area with a super secret sack which I could stuff all my crap in and drag it behind me. Holy mother of all things beautiful in Cleveland! A box of 10 rocket rounds is heavier than --- well its pretty darn heavy.
It’s good thing I took that Space Marine sensitivity training or I probably would have sworn a second ago.
I think I see some badies coming. Let me just put this crap down. Now rocket launcher… gotta… get the ammo… out of the darn box… oh crap I just tore the packaging. Now they’re just rolling all over the place. Well, I’ll pick them up later after I fire the two nearest me. Wow! That’ll learn ‘em! Ain’t no power in hell apparently powerful enough to withstand a good RPG to the chest.
Now how am I gonna take all this stuff with me. It must weigh at least 400. My stupid body armor certainly weighs enough. Maybe I could ditch a couple of these first aid kits. How many wounds do I really think I can take? Besides that many shots of adrenaline would kill me if I took them all within the same 2 hour period.
Well it sure is a good thing I lift weights because I probably couldn’t even hold the chain gun if I didn’t. Well I guess I could hollow out the rib cage of that demon thing and stuff everything in it… I could drag it by the spinal cord? I dunno. Maybe I could find some rope and tie everything together and just drag it behind me? Too bad they don’t make more pockets for these pants or a bigger back pack. Oh fudge it. I’m gonna go play Boggle.
Thursday, August 5, 2004
Point/Counter-point: Doom 3
Point: I Hate This Game!
By Fred Hicks, Doom 3 Player
COMPUTER ROOM, 3AM - Oh, crap did you hear that? I swear I heard something. Where was it? It sounded like it was coming from over there. Phew, there's nothing there. I could have sworn I heard something. There it is again. Did you hear it. It sounds like it's coming from... right behind me! There he is! Die you stupid zombie scum! Eat lead!!!
Oh sh--, that really freaked me out. Ok, I'm calm, I'm calm. Just have to press on. What was that? Did you see that? Up there. I could've sworn I saw something go crawling up that wall. There it is again over there! Eat lead! Oh, wait, that was just the shadow of something. Those boxes over there, I think. Those boxes and that mechanical arm, and that thing behind- oh crap! What the hell is that thing?! It's hideous! Die you SOB! Taste my shotgun! Weird, it disintegrated into ashes when it died. What the hell was that? It was hideous. It had, like, twelve eyes or something.
What's that noise? It sounds like someone talking. Is that one of the people I'm supposed to find? It's coming from this room over here filled... with... candles.... That's kinda weird. And there's some sort of symbol on the ground. It looks like a.... Oh sh--, it's a pentagram! What is that noise? It sounds like evil cacklinig! Oh, sh-- more of those things! Where'd they come from?! Die you mf-ing SOBs! Die! Die, die, die, die, die! Ok, I'm good now. Just need to reload all my guns. Ok, press on.
Something looks weird here. What's up with the atmosphere? It looks awfully thick and hazy. Ew, what's that guy covered in? It looks like... silk. Spider... silk. Of, f---, that's not haze, that's cobwebs! Oh sh--, oh sh--, oh shi--, oh shi--. Ok, stay calm. What was that? I thought I saw long spindly legs! Do you hear that, it sounds like it's coming from- all around me! Oh crap! Die, you spider scum, die! Say hello to Smith and f-ing Wesson! Go back to hell, you vile pieces of sh--!
That was seriously freaky. I hope I don't run into any more of those. Ok, where to next? Oh, wtf? What happened to the lights? Where are the lights? I can't see a thing. It's pitch black! Ok, stay calm. I have a flashlight. Oh, what the hell? Where's my gun? I can't have a gun and flashlight at the same time?! Oh, f---! Ok, I can deal. Keep moving.
OMG! What's with the f-ing evil cackling? Aaaa!! WTF are these things? They have two heads! Gotta use the shotgun! Ok, I've got my shotgun, just try to come near me. Crap, I can't see anything without the flashlight. What the-? I think I hear one. Die scum! Oh, crap, nothing there. Okay, where are you, you mf-er. Back to the flashlight- Oh, crap! There he is! Shotgun, shotgun, shotgun, where's my friggin' shotgun! Die you piece of sh--! Die! Die! Die!
Ah, sh--. I just crapped my pants. Third time tonight. This game sucks.
Counter-point: I Love This Brain- er- Game.
by Gurk, Zombie-Demon
UNION AEROSPACE CORPORATION, MARS RESEARCH FACILITY, 2145 - Grrrrruuuuughghghgh. Graaaarrrrggh! Grraaaaagh! Brains. Brains! Need human brains! Urrrg.
What you bid me, master? Who I should eat? Mrruuuugh! Human! Human brains! Delicious human brains! Come here, delcious human brains! *Rip, claw, shred, tear, eat eat*
Brrruuuuuugh. Brains good. Find more. Find more brains. Need more human flesh. Guuuurgh. Human! Come here human! Dark master wants you! I wants your brains. Your brains! Your delicious brains. *Rip, chew, claw, shred, eat, eat, eat*
Hhhgguuughgh. Must feed on flesh! Wait, Grok has flesh. Will eat Grok! Come Grok! Your flesh tasty! Grrraaargh! *Claw, claw, rip, tear, shred, chew, chew chew*
Point: I Hate This Game!
By Fred Hicks, Doom 3 Player
COMPUTER ROOM, 3AM - Oh, crap did you hear that? I swear I heard something. Where was it? It sounded like it was coming from over there. Phew, there's nothing there. I could have sworn I heard something. There it is again. Did you hear it. It sounds like it's coming from... right behind me! There he is! Die you stupid zombie scum! Eat lead!!!
Oh sh--, that really freaked me out. Ok, I'm calm, I'm calm. Just have to press on. What was that? Did you see that? Up there. I could've sworn I saw something go crawling up that wall. There it is again over there! Eat lead! Oh, wait, that was just the shadow of something. Those boxes over there, I think. Those boxes and that mechanical arm, and that thing behind- oh crap! What the hell is that thing?! It's hideous! Die you SOB! Taste my shotgun! Weird, it disintegrated into ashes when it died. What the hell was that? It was hideous. It had, like, twelve eyes or something.
What's that noise? It sounds like someone talking. Is that one of the people I'm supposed to find? It's coming from this room over here filled... with... candles.... That's kinda weird. And there's some sort of symbol on the ground. It looks like a.... Oh sh--, it's a pentagram! What is that noise? It sounds like evil cacklinig! Oh, sh-- more of those things! Where'd they come from?! Die you mf-ing SOBs! Die! Die, die, die, die, die! Ok, I'm good now. Just need to reload all my guns. Ok, press on.
Something looks weird here. What's up with the atmosphere? It looks awfully thick and hazy. Ew, what's that guy covered in? It looks like... silk. Spider... silk. Of, f---, that's not haze, that's cobwebs! Oh sh--, oh sh--, oh shi--, oh shi--. Ok, stay calm. What was that? I thought I saw long spindly legs! Do you hear that, it sounds like it's coming from- all around me! Oh crap! Die, you spider scum, die! Say hello to Smith and f-ing Wesson! Go back to hell, you vile pieces of sh--!
That was seriously freaky. I hope I don't run into any more of those. Ok, where to next? Oh, wtf? What happened to the lights? Where are the lights? I can't see a thing. It's pitch black! Ok, stay calm. I have a flashlight. Oh, what the hell? Where's my gun? I can't have a gun and flashlight at the same time?! Oh, f---! Ok, I can deal. Keep moving.
OMG! What's with the f-ing evil cackling? Aaaa!! WTF are these things? They have two heads! Gotta use the shotgun! Ok, I've got my shotgun, just try to come near me. Crap, I can't see anything without the flashlight. What the-? I think I hear one. Die scum! Oh, crap, nothing there. Okay, where are you, you mf-er. Back to the flashlight- Oh, crap! There he is! Shotgun, shotgun, shotgun, where's my friggin' shotgun! Die you piece of sh--! Die! Die! Die!
Ah, sh--. I just crapped my pants. Third time tonight. This game sucks.
Counter-point: I Love This Brain- er- Game.
by Gurk, Zombie-Demon
UNION AEROSPACE CORPORATION, MARS RESEARCH FACILITY, 2145 - Grrrrruuuuughghghgh. Graaaarrrrggh! Grraaaaagh! Brains. Brains! Need human brains! Urrrg.
What you bid me, master? Who I should eat? Mrruuuugh! Human! Human brains! Delicious human brains! Come here, delcious human brains! *Rip, claw, shred, tear, eat eat*
Brrruuuuuugh. Brains good. Find more. Find more brains. Need more human flesh. Guuuurgh. Human! Come here human! Dark master wants you! I wants your brains. Your brains! Your delicious brains. *Rip, chew, claw, shred, eat, eat, eat*
Hhhgguuughgh. Must feed on flesh! Wait, Grok has flesh. Will eat Grok! Come Grok! Your flesh tasty! Grrraaargh! *Claw, claw, rip, tear, shred, chew, chew chew*
Monday, August 2, 2004
I Have Come To Soil Thine Toiletries
by Tom Adams
MARATHON GAS STATION (I80) - Weary am I and long have I traveled to thee, Tradesman of all things that smolder betwixt thine lips and Keeper of the Rasp towixt mine quest hath journeyed me. “Whence, now, bear ye thy hand in thine pants” say ye. As dost thine bobbish body lie betwixt the skies and those that dwell therein and the depths of the oceans and those that dwell therein, so upon my honor dost say I unto thee, I have come to soil thine toiletries.
Look not upon me now with brow turned down, O doughty costermonger. ‘Tis no loss unto thee that the passing of ducats for petrol take place not upon my arrival. ‘Tis plain that for mine quest mote I not have chanced upon thy fair petrol shoppe. Wouldst thee have reason to think me caddish then? Nay, deliver unto me the rasp for which I seek.
Alas I hath nothing to exchange for thy wittles. Harden not thy heart as mine bladder may burst asunder this very minute. Wilt thou not stand high and deliver unto me the rasp for which I seek? Let me go hither to the place of expulsion, for I fain will tell thee I bear not the boon thou askest me but paine beneath mine pants. Upon mine very soul, what hath thee better to do? What law dost deign thee not deliver thine rasp except to the procurer of petrol? I say unto thee that this law be not God’s Law, nor can I make it mine own. Hath I possessed the ducats to sip upon the milk of thine kine or sup upon thine wittles I would surely surrender them to thee. Speak now and pray show unto me that thine might of mind mote such answer bring as mine bladder dost seek.
Zounds! Wilt thou then gaze without caring upon me in mine unceasing paine? Alas, I doth peed upon mine pants. Fie! Fie upon thee and thy petrol shoppe! Ne’er againe shalt I journey to thy fluey gaole.
by Tom Adams
MARATHON GAS STATION (I80) - Weary am I and long have I traveled to thee, Tradesman of all things that smolder betwixt thine lips and Keeper of the Rasp towixt mine quest hath journeyed me. “Whence, now, bear ye thy hand in thine pants” say ye. As dost thine bobbish body lie betwixt the skies and those that dwell therein and the depths of the oceans and those that dwell therein, so upon my honor dost say I unto thee, I have come to soil thine toiletries.
Look not upon me now with brow turned down, O doughty costermonger. ‘Tis no loss unto thee that the passing of ducats for petrol take place not upon my arrival. ‘Tis plain that for mine quest mote I not have chanced upon thy fair petrol shoppe. Wouldst thee have reason to think me caddish then? Nay, deliver unto me the rasp for which I seek.
Alas I hath nothing to exchange for thy wittles. Harden not thy heart as mine bladder may burst asunder this very minute. Wilt thou not stand high and deliver unto me the rasp for which I seek? Let me go hither to the place of expulsion, for I fain will tell thee I bear not the boon thou askest me but paine beneath mine pants. Upon mine very soul, what hath thee better to do? What law dost deign thee not deliver thine rasp except to the procurer of petrol? I say unto thee that this law be not God’s Law, nor can I make it mine own. Hath I possessed the ducats to sip upon the milk of thine kine or sup upon thine wittles I would surely surrender them to thee. Speak now and pray show unto me that thine might of mind mote such answer bring as mine bladder dost seek.
Zounds! Wilt thou then gaze without caring upon me in mine unceasing paine? Alas, I doth peed upon mine pants. Fie! Fie upon thee and thy petrol shoppe! Ne’er againe shalt I journey to thy fluey gaole.
Quit Dodging the Tough Questions
By Tom Adams
By Tom Adams
EGAN HALL MEN'S ROOM (FU) -The American public undoubtedly feels the way as I do when we hear the political double talk. We are sick and tired of the same candidates every election cycle. Where is the choice? Where is the debate? Why do the liberal and conservative media give a free pass to their candidates? When will they ask the tough question: why do I not have $1.00 for a friggin Mountain Dew?
Sure John Kerry says he will stand up for a woman’s right to choose, but where is my friggin Mountain Dew? I think it is safe to say that this is apparently too hot a topic for a left-wing, flip-flopper to handle. Can a voter like me trust him with the Presidency if he cannot even address this issue? For all I know, he may compromise on a Dr. Pepper. That simply will not do.
George Bush says that he is the tough-on-terror candidate. Since September 11th, 2001, we have destroyed two oppressive regimes and cause a third to surrender its weapons outright. Bush’s domestic agenda, however, poses an obvious problem to the American public. Where is my Mountain Dew? Sure, he gave us a $200 tax cut. Between my wife and I, my household received $400 of our tax dollars, but that is only 400 20oz bottles. For most American’s like myself, that is one weeks worth of Mountain Dew.
We can debate the benefits of the 2liter over the 20oz versus the obvious ease of use and transportation. We could even debate my severe bladder infection due to not pulling myself away from the computer for 24 hours after I have drunk 15 Mountain Dews. We could even debate why Joe Belland has yet to get me my Coke, but neither party’s candidates has yet to fully address the issue either way. At least Nader offers the V-8 platform a voice.
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