Tuesday, April 27, 2004

James Bond Dies of Every STD Known to Man

Top British Secret Agent Did In By Women Who Loved Spies



LONDON, ENGLAND - Top secret agent and gentleman Bond James Bond died this morning at the MI5's secret military hospital. He was killed from complications of having Chancroid, Chlamydia, Genital Warts/HPV, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis-B, Herpes, HIV/AIDS, Nongonococcal Urethritis (NGU), Pubic Lice, Syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases. Head doctor Maureen McDermott signed the death certificate.



Known throughout the world as the greatest spy who ever lived, he was hated by every Arch-Villain he ever met. He is credited with saving the world approximately 20 times, and having had sex with at least two women each time he did so.



"How ironic that he narrowly escaped all sorts of contrived assassination attempts from villains of virtually every country, yet he was killed by the one thing he could have easily protected himself against," said Dr. McDermott. "Yet still I can understand why. He could have any women he desired, with his sexy British accent, his strong muscles, his toned physique, his... excuse me." At that point Dr. McDermott paused to wipe saliva from her chin.



James Bond was never married, but it is estimated he is survived by anywhere from 15 to 68 childern and an unkown number of grandchildren. Memorial services will be held this Thursday.





An image of the official Death Certificate

Friday, April 23, 2004

Queen Mary 2 Does Not Sink Four Hours After Not Hitting Iceberg;

Probably 3,850 Did Not Perish


Biggest Liner Doesn't Plunge to the Bottom at 2:20 A.M.

RESCUERS NOT THERE TOO LATE BECAUSE NONE NEEDED

Expect No One Took to the Lifeboats

WOMEN AND CHILDREN DID NOT EVACUATE FIRST


Special to The New York Times



NEW YORK, N.Y., April 22. -- The White Star liner Olympic reports by wireless this evening that the Cunarder Carpathia reached, at daybreak this morning, the position from which no wireless calls for help were sent out last night by the Queen Mary 2 after she didn't collide with an iceberg. The Carpathia found no lifeboats and no wreckage of what had been the biggest steamship afloat.



The Queen Mary 2 did not founder at about 2:20 A.M., in latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west. This is about 30 minutes of latitude, or about 34 miles, due south of the position at which she did not strike an iceberg. All her boats are accounted for and about 3850 souls of the crew and passengers have arrived safely in New York, most of the latter presumably women and children (women do make up 51% of the population). There were about 3850 persons aboard the Queen Mary 2.



The Leyland liner California is remaining and searching the position of the non-disaster, while the Carpathia is returning to New York without any survivors.



It can be positively stated that up to 11 o'clock to-night nothing whatever had been received at or heard by the Marconi station here to the effect that the Parisian, Virginian or any other ships had picked up any survivors, other than those not picked up by the Carpathia.



First News of the Non-Disaster.



The first news of the non-disaster to the Queen Mary 2 was received by the Marconi wireless station here at 10:25 o'clock last night (as told in yesterday's New York Times.) The Queen Mary 2 was not heard giving the distress signal "C. Q. D.," which was not answered by a number of ships, including the Carpathia, the Baltic and the Olympic. The Queen Mary 2 did not say she had struck an iceberg and was in immediate need of assistance, not giving her position as latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west.



At 10:55 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not report she was sinking by the head, and at 11:25 o'clock the station here did not establish communication with the Allan liner Virginian, from Halifax to Liverpool, and did not notify her that the Queen Mary 2 did not urgently need assistance and did not give her the Queen Mary 2's position.



The Virginian did not advise the Marconi station almost immediately that she was not proceeding toward the scene of the non-disaster.



At 11:36 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not inform the Olympic that they were putting the women off in boats and did not instruct the Olympic to have her boats ready to transfer the passangers.



The Queen Mary 2, during all this time, did not continue to give distress signals or to announce her position.



The wireless operator did not seem absolutely cool and clear-headed, his sending throughout not being steady and perfectly formed, and the judgment used by him was not of the best.



The last signals heard from the Queen Mary 2 were not received at 12:27 A.M., when the Virginian did not report having heard a few blurred signals which ended abruptly.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

The Onion buys FU-News!

No significant changes forseeable



Joseph Belland, founder of FU-News announced today that The Onion has bought FU-News. "This is really a win-win situation for us," declared Belland. When asked why that was, he simply stated "because I said so," and refused to comment further.



Added Belland, "the core principles of FU-News are not going to change as a result of this merger. As a result, we'll keep publishing the same funny satire with no changes to our politcs or our hap-hazard publishing schedule."
Bush "Worst. President. Ever."

Comic Book Nerds, Fan Boys Alike Decry President



SPRINGFIELD - Speaking at a local comic book convention, local voice of the people Comic Book Guy denounced President Bush, calling him the "Worst. President. Ever." This sentiment was echoed by others at the convention who were selling various anti-Bush comic books and games. The Bush voodoo doll was the most popular, with the Kill Bush mod for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons coming in a close second.



Still others lent support for the president. One attendee, identifying himself only as "Fanboy" declared that "George W. Bush is my favorite president, right after Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Jackson, van Buren, William Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, Cleveland (his first term was better), McKinley, Teddy Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Clinton."
What Do You Think?

President Bush is up for re-election this year. Would you vote for him?





Lawrence Boisvert, Machinist

"I would not vote for him because that man come to my house and he kick my dog. I want to know why."





Danny Urban, Systems Analyst

"No one voted for him the first time around, but that didn't keep him from stealing the presidency."





Andrew Oleson, CEO

"After all the tax breaks he gave me at the expense of the poor and letting me get away with insider trading and embezzlement? Heck yeah."





Paula Dee, Homemaker

"That's not funny. My sons died from Bush being president. No really. One was killed in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan."





Eugene Carden, Gas Station Attendant

"Well, if Kerry got in office, he might ban gasoline, then where would I be? So I guess the destruction of the environment is a reasonable price to pay for having a job."





Jane Brawner, Administrative Assistant

"If Bush spends any more time in office, he'll ban abortion. If I didn't have the right to choose, I might have had to actually give birth to my 5 children. Then I'd have to give up my lucrative career."
Bush Trails in Polls

80% of Major News Sources Would Vote for Kerry



A poll of major news sources revealed that 4 out of 5 would vote for Kerry if the election were tomorrow. CNN, The New York Times, Nation Public Radio (NPR), and the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) all said they would vote for John Fantastic Kerry. Only MSNBC responded that it was "undecided".



Silly complaints about the poll came from Fox News. "This poll is not at all representative of the Major News Sources of America. I mean, why weren't we included in this poll? Frickin' BBC was asked who they'd vote for and they aren't even American!" Gallup responded that the poll is conducted by random selection, proven to be accurate to a few points and that Fox News should just shut up and "go fair and balance itself."

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

CA FTB Telefile Chick "Ditzier" Than IRS Telefile Chick



LONG BEACH, CA - According to local resident Bobby Helton, Jennifer Parkins, the woman who supplied the voice for the California Franchise Tax Board's Telefile tax filing system, sounds "really ditzy," when compared to Caroline Bernier the woman whose voice was used for the IRS Telefile system. "I mean, you could totally tell that one chick [Parkins] was a Californian. She totally sounded like she had just spent a few hours at the beach," reported Helton. "The IRS chick sounded smarter, like she may have been a librarian or something. I mean, when she'd ask you to enter a 9-digit number, she'd start talking as soon as you entered the last digit, while the California girl would pause for a few seconds afterwards, as if she was still counting in her head how many digits you'd entered."



Helton added that Parkins sounded a lot "hotter" and that he'd "rather go for her, mainly because she's probably blonde."