--BREAKING NEWS--
On the heels of some guy getting elected Pope, Al Gore, former US Vice President and Presidential candidate in the 2000 election, calls for a Papal election recount. "The secrets of the College of Cardianls needs to be revealed to the public... Exactly how many votes for John Kerry were really counted?... We feel that minorities and non-Catholics were disenfranchised."
Father Edward A. Malloy of Notre Dame responded with "We must make every attempt to reundisenfranchise non-Catholic Papal voters and minorities"
More as news develops...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Study: Diet, Exercise Provide No Long-Term Health Benefits
A new study, to be published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, has concluded that diet and exercise have no long-term contribution to health.
The study, conducted over 100 years by several different international organizations, examined the lives of more than 5380 people across the globe. The final conclusion was arrived at after noting that no matter what foods people ate or what activities, if any, they partake in, they all sooner or later end up dead.
Dr. Herman Zwellville of the American Medical Research Institute stated that, "the results were quite fascinating and unexpected. Many of us started out thinking that by eating right and keeping physically fit, that would help people stay healthy. But in the end, everybody who participated in this study died, regardless of their diet or exercise regimens."
At the 70 year mark of the study, some of the researchers believed that their suspicions had been confirmed. Stated Zwellville, "after that amount of time, the vast majority of those who were already dead were from the group that had what is generally considered to be a poor diet, and little to know exercise. We began to believe that yes, in fact we were right and a proper diet and exercise would keep one healthy. But this was quickly overturned, as within the next 30 years each and every one of the 'healthy' people died as well."
The study, which spanned several research generations and had no fewer than 6 head researchers, has serious implications for many health industries. "For years, people have been going to gyms, buying foods that are low in fat, and going on fad diets in the hopes of having some effect on their health," said Dr. Irwin Skagerberg, a health and fitness expert with Harvard Medical School. "This throws everything upside down. The idea that I can eat whatever I want and sit around all day, and in the end I will end up just as dead as the guy who runs 5 miles a day and eats nothing but bran muffins and rice cakes is simply out of this world."
A new study, to be published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, has concluded that diet and exercise have no long-term contribution to health.
The study, conducted over 100 years by several different international organizations, examined the lives of more than 5380 people across the globe. The final conclusion was arrived at after noting that no matter what foods people ate or what activities, if any, they partake in, they all sooner or later end up dead.
Dr. Herman Zwellville of the American Medical Research Institute stated that, "the results were quite fascinating and unexpected. Many of us started out thinking that by eating right and keeping physically fit, that would help people stay healthy. But in the end, everybody who participated in this study died, regardless of their diet or exercise regimens."
At the 70 year mark of the study, some of the researchers believed that their suspicions had been confirmed. Stated Zwellville, "after that amount of time, the vast majority of those who were already dead were from the group that had what is generally considered to be a poor diet, and little to know exercise. We began to believe that yes, in fact we were right and a proper diet and exercise would keep one healthy. But this was quickly overturned, as within the next 30 years each and every one of the 'healthy' people died as well."
The study, which spanned several research generations and had no fewer than 6 head researchers, has serious implications for many health industries. "For years, people have been going to gyms, buying foods that are low in fat, and going on fad diets in the hopes of having some effect on their health," said Dr. Irwin Skagerberg, a health and fitness expert with Harvard Medical School. "This throws everything upside down. The idea that I can eat whatever I want and sit around all day, and in the end I will end up just as dead as the guy who runs 5 miles a day and eats nothing but bran muffins and rice cakes is simply out of this world."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Some More Stinkin' Hello's from Iraq
Paul Harold, how the heck are you and the wife? Ain't there a kid on the way? What is goin on? Thanks for writing me. Send me pics of what's you two are doing and tell Pat I said hi too! Talk to you later Sugar Lips!
Tony Braun, thanks for writing me! How's life in the Air Force? What's goin on in your life? You are an officer, right? What do you do? You haven't been deployed yet have you? Let me know what's goin on and keep conquering through love, Animal.
Jason Jones, no problem about the job reference. If you are ever thinking of moving out of freezing cold Michigan and moving down to the gulf side of Florida and drinking rum on the beach all day while you dream up algorithms... feel free to let me know and I'll mention your name again. I'm sure Tim would be more than happy to have you on the team. Will keep an eye out for the news reporters. You can see my hand on a regular basis covering CNN cameras every night. Not that we do anything... wrong... Anyhow, keep prayin for me and thanks for writing!
Annie, Mary, Chrissy, Kelli, Cari, Jay, Wade, Jim, Mrs and Mr and a million house pets
This is mainly for Annie and Mary cause the send me things, so thbt. (That is how you spell the sound of you spitting your tongue out and blowing the bronx cheer). I miss all you guys a lot. Except the pets. Okay, I miss Foxy too. But that's it, I draw the line there.
Chrissy, what was wrong with Ed? Any man that says "The owner of your company is a client of mine, so you'd better treat me right" to a waitress who makes soooo much money is a keeper! Or did you not learn that in Dating 101. It means he has facets and pizzazz or something.
Cari, I really wish I could be there for your wedding. You have to dance twice with Joe Belland now. I told him he had to dance once with you for me. I know, put you life on hold for me. That's a great idea. No marriages till I get back! Quick, call Cardinal Ratzinger, tell him I said so!
I hope you guys said Hi to Jay for me. Sorry his school sucks, but I could have told you that. That's true of all military schools. Who is Sherri? The love of his life? Dang, I must be behind the times.
Sorry about Terri. Wish I had been there to at least pray with you guys. As it was, God is probably looking at his prayer bill thinking "A call about Terri Schiavo in Iraq? Who the heaven in Iraq wanted to talk to me about Terri Schiavo?" My Dad was there with you guys in case you didn't know. Hopefully she's in heaven by now. She had more prayer support than most get, and she couldn't be in better company than with John Paul II.
How, did Kelli do on her SATs. I know she made me proud. Or we are breaking up. I'm excited for her to be going to college. I hope I'll be able to visit her there, or is she gonna be clear across the country? I can never remeber these things. Mike Kein is a dead man I tell you! Stay away from my girl! Other girl! Okay, friend! Tell him he'd better be good. Or... Or I'll tell Kelli to kick his arse.
By the way, I got the photos Annie and Mary sent me. Thanks so much! Is that Chrissy or Annie on the beach with the doll? And is that Jay on the beach with Mary and Annie? I haven't seen him in forever. I like the photo of all you girls together, now I just got to make sure I can hold onto it and it not disappear into a mob of Marines. All you girls look fantastically awesome and the guys can't make up their mind over which one they want, so I had to tell the sad truth about one of you getting married, and two of you just a little under their age group. With a slight possibilty for Mary. We do have a 19 year old mormon. This one is gonna be a little tough.
My other Mom talked to Mel Gibson! That is so cool! Mrs Carpenter rocks.
Mary got asked to prom twice. Yeah. You truly are the awesomest Carpenter. It must have been the Santa Baby that did it. Good luck on the driving. If your parents are paying any attention to you, there is a grey 89 Toyota Camry sitting at my house. Just type "hot wire Toyota Camry 89" into google and away you go! Good mouse story... I bet I would have fed them to the snake though. Jim and Wade, you guys rock. You got more guts than I do for keeping a snake. Where might you start doing drama? I'm interested to know so I can sit in the front row, eat popcorn and heckle... I mean admire your work. I'd be happy to teach you how to dance when I get back. I've got a whole slew of Strong Bad Teaches Dancing videos and we could learn them together -- you know classics like "The Leaf Blower", "The Up Down Up Down", "The Whoa, I Can't Stand On My Two Feet" and the ever impressive, ladies-can't-resist "I Don't Hygene Boogie". Well biggest fan ever, keep on keepin on and keep sending me cool stuff. Cause I earned it. Miss you Mary. Keep praying for me too.
Annie, I can't believe you have 4 other hubbys and 20 children and can't some how find a way to squeeze me in. I mean, come on you should be used to the drill by now. What's another husband and 12 kids between friends... or something. Schnoodleheimer or whatever his name is, is good. He thinks about you constantly.. Actually its getting kinda creepy. He just keeps writing Annie Carpenter with a knife into his arm. I'm starting to reconsider him as your husband. Post cards by the way are running thin over here. The only one I could find was one that had a picture of a dolphin on it and said something about the army. I'm not in the army. We don't have dolphins here. Actually you have dolphins where you are, so why would I send you a picture of what's in your back yard? You have to take me to the Strawberry Festival next summer. I had no idea you guys did pig races. That is funny. By the way, we will have to compare farmers tans when I get back. Did you say you had mass at your house? How did you manage that? I'm calling your bluff on the on the phone for 90 billion hours. By my calculations *pushing glasses back up nose* you should be still on the phone until another ice age comes through. Wow, that was a pretty full account of your entire weekend, down to the altar boy you are having five kids with. All I can say is wow.
I'm surprised you and Mary didn't burn the house down when you two were alone back in January. How was Sam's stay at your house? Tell Chrissy happy birthday from me and Ileana and I are getting her sloppy drunk when I get back. By sloppy drunk I mean, until I can't stand anymore. By me not standing anymore, I mean two beers. By two beers I mean, if Ileana lets me. And no, I have no idea how to use a comma. Congrats on only half of you getting sick while deep see fishing. My parents went to the inauguration (I couldn't spell that if you didn't already) by the way. They enjoyed it tons. I still ahevn't head the new strong bad emails cause I need to use headphones to do so. I keep forgetting to bring them to this computer though. And I LIVE Serious Sam. Serious Tom. No really I carry ridiculously large amounts of ammo on me and I say cheesy one-liners like "yeah, get some!" Send me a postcard of something interesting so I can send it back to you and say that I sent you a postcard. When you take over the world, let me know so I can come home and take my place at your side like Darth Vader or something. By the way, I won't tell your parents that you should have been doing school work instead of writing me. he he he... now I've got blackmail material. Thanks Annie, miss you and keep praying for me. Cause I said so.
Can you tell I like Carpenters? I mean they send me stuff!
Steph Puglia, Congratu-frickin-lations! (That's marine talk for I'm extremely happy for you!) Steph Puglia, an Italian princess from Texas (coolest state probably) who is definitley the hottest Business major in all of Michigan, is engaged! I'm extremely happy for you and am calling dibs on dancing with you at your wedding. Can't wait to see you again at the world's coolest BBQ at my place when I get back. Let me know how you are doing and send me pics. I want pics of the ring too. Keep praying for me and thanks so much for writing.
Ildi, I'm in Iraq in case you forgot from my last email, but when Ileana and I go back to DC we will take you up on your offer to stay with you. Let me offer to take you out to the most expensive restaraunt ever too! Like Applebees or Denny's. Sorry to hear about the admin and parent part of your jorb. I probably could have told you it'd suck. Kids are cool, grown ups bad. Good luck Scott on the Hill Police job. I hope that works well for you. Would love to come with you guys to the Virgin Islands but, alas, I am here. Ask Ileana if she wants to go 740 424 0238. She has my blessing, and all my money too. Miss you guys. Too bad we can't sit in classes and pass notes back and forth, cause now its probably your jorb to break that stuff up. If some little pale boy sitting in some math class of yours happens to be passing notes to a really hot little girl sitting next to him, let him off the hook, for me. I know how it is. Would love to get pics from you guys on what you guys are up to. Call Ileana for my mailing addy cause I sure as heck fire don't know what it is. Great hearing from you Ildi, keep prayin for me cause I need it.
And Kelsay from Ms. Croteau's class, thanks so much for the letter and the prayers. You are a good drawer... artist... whatever you call people that can draw well. You're good at it, and I think you should keep it up. Keep praying for me and my friends over here and hopefully I can see you and the whole class when I get back.
Paul Harold, how the heck are you and the wife? Ain't there a kid on the way? What is goin on? Thanks for writing me. Send me pics of what's you two are doing and tell Pat I said hi too! Talk to you later Sugar Lips!
Tony Braun, thanks for writing me! How's life in the Air Force? What's goin on in your life? You are an officer, right? What do you do? You haven't been deployed yet have you? Let me know what's goin on and keep conquering through love, Animal.
Jason Jones, no problem about the job reference. If you are ever thinking of moving out of freezing cold Michigan and moving down to the gulf side of Florida and drinking rum on the beach all day while you dream up algorithms... feel free to let me know and I'll mention your name again. I'm sure Tim would be more than happy to have you on the team. Will keep an eye out for the news reporters. You can see my hand on a regular basis covering CNN cameras every night. Not that we do anything... wrong... Anyhow, keep prayin for me and thanks for writing!
Annie, Mary, Chrissy, Kelli, Cari, Jay, Wade, Jim, Mrs and Mr and a million house pets
This is mainly for Annie and Mary cause the send me things, so thbt. (That is how you spell the sound of you spitting your tongue out and blowing the bronx cheer). I miss all you guys a lot. Except the pets. Okay, I miss Foxy too. But that's it, I draw the line there.
Chrissy, what was wrong with Ed? Any man that says "The owner of your company is a client of mine, so you'd better treat me right" to a waitress who makes soooo much money is a keeper! Or did you not learn that in Dating 101. It means he has facets and pizzazz or something.
Cari, I really wish I could be there for your wedding. You have to dance twice with Joe Belland now. I told him he had to dance once with you for me. I know, put you life on hold for me. That's a great idea. No marriages till I get back! Quick, call Cardinal Ratzinger, tell him I said so!
I hope you guys said Hi to Jay for me. Sorry his school sucks, but I could have told you that. That's true of all military schools. Who is Sherri? The love of his life? Dang, I must be behind the times.
Sorry about Terri. Wish I had been there to at least pray with you guys. As it was, God is probably looking at his prayer bill thinking "A call about Terri Schiavo in Iraq? Who the heaven in Iraq wanted to talk to me about Terri Schiavo?" My Dad was there with you guys in case you didn't know. Hopefully she's in heaven by now. She had more prayer support than most get, and she couldn't be in better company than with John Paul II.
How, did Kelli do on her SATs. I know she made me proud. Or we are breaking up. I'm excited for her to be going to college. I hope I'll be able to visit her there, or is she gonna be clear across the country? I can never remeber these things. Mike Kein is a dead man I tell you! Stay away from my girl! Other girl! Okay, friend! Tell him he'd better be good. Or... Or I'll tell Kelli to kick his arse.
By the way, I got the photos Annie and Mary sent me. Thanks so much! Is that Chrissy or Annie on the beach with the doll? And is that Jay on the beach with Mary and Annie? I haven't seen him in forever. I like the photo of all you girls together, now I just got to make sure I can hold onto it and it not disappear into a mob of Marines. All you girls look fantastically awesome and the guys can't make up their mind over which one they want, so I had to tell the sad truth about one of you getting married, and two of you just a little under their age group. With a slight possibilty for Mary. We do have a 19 year old mormon. This one is gonna be a little tough.
My other Mom talked to Mel Gibson! That is so cool! Mrs Carpenter rocks.
Mary got asked to prom twice. Yeah. You truly are the awesomest Carpenter. It must have been the Santa Baby that did it. Good luck on the driving. If your parents are paying any attention to you, there is a grey 89 Toyota Camry sitting at my house. Just type "hot wire Toyota Camry 89" into google and away you go! Good mouse story... I bet I would have fed them to the snake though. Jim and Wade, you guys rock. You got more guts than I do for keeping a snake. Where might you start doing drama? I'm interested to know so I can sit in the front row, eat popcorn and heckle... I mean admire your work. I'd be happy to teach you how to dance when I get back. I've got a whole slew of Strong Bad Teaches Dancing videos and we could learn them together -- you know classics like "The Leaf Blower", "The Up Down Up Down", "The Whoa, I Can't Stand On My Two Feet" and the ever impressive, ladies-can't-resist "I Don't Hygene Boogie". Well biggest fan ever, keep on keepin on and keep sending me cool stuff. Cause I earned it. Miss you Mary. Keep praying for me too.
Annie, I can't believe you have 4 other hubbys and 20 children and can't some how find a way to squeeze me in. I mean, come on you should be used to the drill by now. What's another husband and 12 kids between friends... or something. Schnoodleheimer or whatever his name is, is good. He thinks about you constantly.. Actually its getting kinda creepy. He just keeps writing Annie Carpenter with a knife into his arm. I'm starting to reconsider him as your husband. Post cards by the way are running thin over here. The only one I could find was one that had a picture of a dolphin on it and said something about the army. I'm not in the army. We don't have dolphins here. Actually you have dolphins where you are, so why would I send you a picture of what's in your back yard? You have to take me to the Strawberry Festival next summer. I had no idea you guys did pig races. That is funny. By the way, we will have to compare farmers tans when I get back. Did you say you had mass at your house? How did you manage that? I'm calling your bluff on the on the phone for 90 billion hours. By my calculations *pushing glasses back up nose* you should be still on the phone until another ice age comes through. Wow, that was a pretty full account of your entire weekend, down to the altar boy you are having five kids with. All I can say is wow.
I'm surprised you and Mary didn't burn the house down when you two were alone back in January. How was Sam's stay at your house? Tell Chrissy happy birthday from me and Ileana and I are getting her sloppy drunk when I get back. By sloppy drunk I mean, until I can't stand anymore. By me not standing anymore, I mean two beers. By two beers I mean, if Ileana lets me. And no, I have no idea how to use a comma. Congrats on only half of you getting sick while deep see fishing. My parents went to the inauguration (I couldn't spell that if you didn't already) by the way. They enjoyed it tons. I still ahevn't head the new strong bad emails cause I need to use headphones to do so. I keep forgetting to bring them to this computer though. And I LIVE Serious Sam. Serious Tom. No really I carry ridiculously large amounts of ammo on me and I say cheesy one-liners like "yeah, get some!" Send me a postcard of something interesting so I can send it back to you and say that I sent you a postcard. When you take over the world, let me know so I can come home and take my place at your side like Darth Vader or something. By the way, I won't tell your parents that you should have been doing school work instead of writing me. he he he... now I've got blackmail material. Thanks Annie, miss you and keep praying for me. Cause I said so.
Can you tell I like Carpenters? I mean they send me stuff!
Steph Puglia, Congratu-frickin-lations! (That's marine talk for I'm extremely happy for you!) Steph Puglia, an Italian princess from Texas (coolest state probably) who is definitley the hottest Business major in all of Michigan, is engaged! I'm extremely happy for you and am calling dibs on dancing with you at your wedding. Can't wait to see you again at the world's coolest BBQ at my place when I get back. Let me know how you are doing and send me pics. I want pics of the ring too. Keep praying for me and thanks so much for writing.
Ildi, I'm in Iraq in case you forgot from my last email, but when Ileana and I go back to DC we will take you up on your offer to stay with you. Let me offer to take you out to the most expensive restaraunt ever too! Like Applebees or Denny's. Sorry to hear about the admin and parent part of your jorb. I probably could have told you it'd suck. Kids are cool, grown ups bad. Good luck Scott on the Hill Police job. I hope that works well for you. Would love to come with you guys to the Virgin Islands but, alas, I am here. Ask Ileana if she wants to go 740 424 0238. She has my blessing, and all my money too. Miss you guys. Too bad we can't sit in classes and pass notes back and forth, cause now its probably your jorb to break that stuff up. If some little pale boy sitting in some math class of yours happens to be passing notes to a really hot little girl sitting next to him, let him off the hook, for me. I know how it is. Would love to get pics from you guys on what you guys are up to. Call Ileana for my mailing addy cause I sure as heck fire don't know what it is. Great hearing from you Ildi, keep prayin for me cause I need it.
And Kelsay from Ms. Croteau's class, thanks so much for the letter and the prayers. You are a good drawer... artist... whatever you call people that can draw well. You're good at it, and I think you should keep it up. Keep praying for me and my friends over here and hopefully I can see you and the whole class when I get back.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Speaking of Animal Cruelty...
A few months ago, my cow-orker alerted me to this article. Now, if you know me, you know my immediate reaction was "That is so cool I must have some!" So that day I went to Kraft foods online store and ordered myself a carton (they only come in boxes of 12 5-oz bags).
Shortly thereafter, I got a message from Kraft stating that due to increased popularity following the news item on the candy, they were temporarily unavailable and I would be receiving mine in several weeks. A couple days after that I received a box of 'em. I've had them for a while (it takes a while to go through 12 bags of candy) and have been meaning to post about them for some time. So here they are:
From left to right, they are a chicken, a snake, and a squrriel. I think I like the chicken the best.
A few months ago, my cow-orker alerted me to this article. Now, if you know me, you know my immediate reaction was "That is so cool I must have some!" So that day I went to Kraft foods online store and ordered myself a carton (they only come in boxes of 12 5-oz bags).
Shortly thereafter, I got a message from Kraft stating that due to increased popularity following the news item on the candy, they were temporarily unavailable and I would be receiving mine in several weeks. A couple days after that I received a box of 'em. I've had them for a while (it takes a while to go through 12 bags of candy) and have been meaning to post about them for some time. So here they are:
From left to right, they are a chicken, a snake, and a squrriel. I think I like the chicken the best.
If you are in any way offended by animal cruelty, under no circumstances should you click here.
If you aren't then you can try to beat my high score of 1134 feet.
If you aren't then you can try to beat my high score of 1134 feet.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Now, By Popular Demand....
Ok, That's a lie. No one has demanded the following. Nobody (except Je- er, the Blue Fox) has even acknowledged that I got a new car. So even though you don't want to see this, here it is.
2005 Pontiac G6 GT
That's where I work (5th floor from the top, right side, third window down). And that's how I get there now. And that is the most gorgeous shade of blue I've ever seen.
The Specs:
3.5L V6, 200-hp @ 5600 rpm, 220-lb.-ft. torque @ 3200 rpm. (Ooo, low end torque. I like.)
4-speed Automatic with manual shift mode
4-wheel disc brakes
I've been reading some reviews of it (after I bought it... good thinking, huh?) and the people who dislike it always start by bashing the Grand Am. It's mainly the Sports Car Enthusiast crowd who apparently dislike it because it isn't a Ferrari. Anyways, one of the complaints I read was that it had a push-rod V6 mated with a 4-speed automatic, and not a DOHC engine with a 5-speed, like the imports. One reviewer, when mentioning that fact, said he "couldn't believe he was writing that in 2005." The claim is that the clunky engine makes it loud and rough at higher RPM. I dunno, this car is quieter and smoother at 5000 rpm than my Celica was at idle.
Safety:
ABS and traction control (boy, that woulda been great to have on the icy Steubenville roads).
Driver and passanger front and side impact airbags, full-cabin head curtain airbags.
On-Star
5-star front impact and passenger side impact safety rating.
One of the first things you notice about the car is how small it is. It's barely larger than my Celica, on the outside (inside is completely different, however). But it has the distinctive Pontiac sporty-tough look to it.
At night, with the headlights on, it looks like it's squinting angrily at you. From the back, when the reverse lights are on, it looks like the sinister, hypnotizing eyes from the snake in Jungle Book.
Cool stuff:
Panoramic roof (shown open here).
17" Aluminum wheels with chrome finish.
The cool thing about the panoramic roof is its amazingly quiet and non-windy, even with it open at freeway speeds. It's comprised of 4 panels. The front one pops up and acts as a wind screen. The other three slide backwards and stack up towards the back. Overall, it's supposed to be about twice the size of a normal sun roof.
Luxuries:
Leather interior.
Heated leather seats.
Leather-wrapped steering wheel with audio controls.
Power-adjustable gas/brake.
Tilt/telescoping steering wheel.
6-disc in-dash CD changer with 8-speaker Monsoon sound system.
Driver Information Center.
Today when I was driving, I was trying to find the little button on the dash to switch the odometer from the normal mode to the trip mode. After looking for a while and not being able to find it, I found the "Info" button next to the radio display. Pressing that cycled through several screens that told me:
Trip Odometer A
Trip Odometer B (yes, it does in fact have two)
Fuel Range (how much farther you can go)
Est MPG
Avg Speed
Remaining Oil Life
See, this car doesn't have a "Trip Odometer" as most others do, it has a "Trip Computer".
Gimicks:
Remote Starter.
It could be useful in cold climates, but here in SoCal, it's pretty pointless. Although it is cool being able to start your car from 100ft away.
On-Star:
That little antenna just in front of the panoramic roof is the On-Star antenna. It comes free for one year. When we went to pick up the car last night, the salesman was demonstrating all the features to us, and also showed us On-Star. When using this, you actually talk with a live person (the girl we were talking to was in North Carolina). They also demonstrated the "unlock doors" feature, in case you lock yourself out. Sorta creepy.
Anyways, the salesman, James, is a hilariously funny guy. He reminded me a lot of Pat Leinen (who is one of the funniest people I have ever known) in mannerism and even somewhat in appearance (tall, lanky). So anyways, he was demonstrating the "hands-free phone" system with On-Star, you push the "phone" button on the rear-view mirror, and it links in with Verizon's cellular service and you can voice-dial. That system is totally automated, with some very sophisticated, although imperfect, voice-recognition software. The conversation between the salesman and the very polite computer went something like this:
James: Dial
On-Star: Number?
James: 7-1-4
On-Star: Pardon?
James: 7
On-Star: 7
James: 1
On-Star: 1
James: 4
On-Star: 4
James: 6
On-Star: 6
James: 9
On-Star: Slower, please.
James: 9
On-Star: 5
James: 9!
On-Star: 5
James: Stupid!
On-Star: 7
James: Stupid!
On-Star: Pardon?
I'm not sure what exactly happened after that as my spleen was bursting and I was trying not to pee my nice new leather seats from laughing. That's a good system. It's polite even when you yell insults at it.
(That picture's blurry because I had to turn off the flash, which increased the exposure time and I have a hard time holding still.)
So how much does this machine cost, you ask? Well, base price for the G6 is $21,300. The GT starts at $23,925. Fully loaded (like we got it), it's $28,280. Now, any sane person's reaction is "that is a lot of money to spend on a car." I agree. That's why we only paid $23,565 (plus extra fees and such). That's below the base price for that model.
Wow. Good deal.
How did we pull that one off? Well Mr. Acosta, being an employee of The Company Formerly Known as Hughes Electronics (which was owned by GM, then bought by Boeing, then bought by L3), qualifes (and Anne Marie and I, by relation) for the GM Supplier discount. This discount is actually larger than the discount GM employees get. The GM discount brought price of the car to $25,065, then the dealer threw in an extra $1500 in rebates ($1000 because they like us and $500 because we financed through Kinecta).
So all in all, that's a pretty good deal. Saved almost 17%.
So anyways, if anyone is in the market for a new Pontiac, Buick or GMC, be sure to talk to James Cannon in Tustin (shameless plug).
Ok, That's a lie. No one has demanded the following. Nobody (except Je- er, the Blue Fox) has even acknowledged that I got a new car. So even though you don't want to see this, here it is.
2005 Pontiac G6 GT
That's where I work (5th floor from the top, right side, third window down). And that's how I get there now. And that is the most gorgeous shade of blue I've ever seen.
The Specs:
3.5L V6, 200-hp @ 5600 rpm, 220-lb.-ft. torque @ 3200 rpm. (Ooo, low end torque. I like.)
4-speed Automatic with manual shift mode
4-wheel disc brakes
I've been reading some reviews of it (after I bought it... good thinking, huh?) and the people who dislike it always start by bashing the Grand Am. It's mainly the Sports Car Enthusiast crowd who apparently dislike it because it isn't a Ferrari. Anyways, one of the complaints I read was that it had a push-rod V6 mated with a 4-speed automatic, and not a DOHC engine with a 5-speed, like the imports. One reviewer, when mentioning that fact, said he "couldn't believe he was writing that in 2005." The claim is that the clunky engine makes it loud and rough at higher RPM. I dunno, this car is quieter and smoother at 5000 rpm than my Celica was at idle.
Safety:
ABS and traction control (boy, that woulda been great to have on the icy Steubenville roads).
Driver and passanger front and side impact airbags, full-cabin head curtain airbags.
On-Star
5-star front impact and passenger side impact safety rating.
One of the first things you notice about the car is how small it is. It's barely larger than my Celica, on the outside (inside is completely different, however). But it has the distinctive Pontiac sporty-tough look to it.
At night, with the headlights on, it looks like it's squinting angrily at you. From the back, when the reverse lights are on, it looks like the sinister, hypnotizing eyes from the snake in Jungle Book.
Cool stuff:
Panoramic roof (shown open here).
17" Aluminum wheels with chrome finish.
The cool thing about the panoramic roof is its amazingly quiet and non-windy, even with it open at freeway speeds. It's comprised of 4 panels. The front one pops up and acts as a wind screen. The other three slide backwards and stack up towards the back. Overall, it's supposed to be about twice the size of a normal sun roof.
Luxuries:
Leather interior.
Heated leather seats.
Leather-wrapped steering wheel with audio controls.
Power-adjustable gas/brake.
Tilt/telescoping steering wheel.
6-disc in-dash CD changer with 8-speaker Monsoon sound system.
Driver Information Center.
Today when I was driving, I was trying to find the little button on the dash to switch the odometer from the normal mode to the trip mode. After looking for a while and not being able to find it, I found the "Info" button next to the radio display. Pressing that cycled through several screens that told me:
Trip Odometer A
Trip Odometer B (yes, it does in fact have two)
Fuel Range (how much farther you can go)
Est MPG
Avg Speed
Remaining Oil Life
See, this car doesn't have a "Trip Odometer" as most others do, it has a "Trip Computer".
Gimicks:
Remote Starter.
It could be useful in cold climates, but here in SoCal, it's pretty pointless. Although it is cool being able to start your car from 100ft away.
On-Star:
That little antenna just in front of the panoramic roof is the On-Star antenna. It comes free for one year. When we went to pick up the car last night, the salesman was demonstrating all the features to us, and also showed us On-Star. When using this, you actually talk with a live person (the girl we were talking to was in North Carolina). They also demonstrated the "unlock doors" feature, in case you lock yourself out. Sorta creepy.
Anyways, the salesman, James, is a hilariously funny guy. He reminded me a lot of Pat Leinen (who is one of the funniest people I have ever known) in mannerism and even somewhat in appearance (tall, lanky). So anyways, he was demonstrating the "hands-free phone" system with On-Star, you push the "phone" button on the rear-view mirror, and it links in with Verizon's cellular service and you can voice-dial. That system is totally automated, with some very sophisticated, although imperfect, voice-recognition software. The conversation between the salesman and the very polite computer went something like this:
James: Dial
On-Star: Number?
James: 7-1-4
On-Star: Pardon?
James: 7
On-Star: 7
James: 1
On-Star: 1
James: 4
On-Star: 4
James: 6
On-Star: 6
James: 9
On-Star: Slower, please.
James: 9
On-Star: 5
James: 9!
On-Star: 5
James: Stupid!
On-Star: 7
James: Stupid!
On-Star: Pardon?
I'm not sure what exactly happened after that as my spleen was bursting and I was trying not to pee my nice new leather seats from laughing. That's a good system. It's polite even when you yell insults at it.
(That picture's blurry because I had to turn off the flash, which increased the exposure time and I have a hard time holding still.)
So how much does this machine cost, you ask? Well, base price for the G6 is $21,300. The GT starts at $23,925. Fully loaded (like we got it), it's $28,280. Now, any sane person's reaction is "that is a lot of money to spend on a car." I agree. That's why we only paid $23,565 (plus extra fees and such). That's below the base price for that model.
Wow. Good deal.
How did we pull that one off? Well Mr. Acosta, being an employee of The Company Formerly Known as Hughes Electronics (which was owned by GM, then bought by Boeing, then bought by L3), qualifes (and Anne Marie and I, by relation) for the GM Supplier discount. This discount is actually larger than the discount GM employees get. The GM discount brought price of the car to $25,065, then the dealer threw in an extra $1500 in rebates ($1000 because they like us and $500 because we financed through Kinecta).
So all in all, that's a pretty good deal. Saved almost 17%.
So anyways, if anyone is in the market for a new Pontiac, Buick or GMC, be sure to talk to James Cannon in Tustin (shameless plug).
Monday, April 11, 2005
Area Man Accidentally Buys Car
Man: "What just happened?"
TUSTIN, CA - A local man, who was not identified, wandered into Tustin Buick/Pontiac/GMC and accidentally bought a car, according to sources close to him.
Said the man, "I don't know what happened. I mean, I came here intending to, like, maybe test drive one and just, y'know, see what it was like. I sorta blanked out and the next thing I knew, I drove away the owner of a brand new 2005 Pontiac G6 GT. I don't really remember what happened in between."
The man said the experience was not unlike "talking with my girlfriend about marriage then spacing out, then the next thing I know I'm married. And I speak from experience on this one."
[Pictures to follow]
Man: "What just happened?"
TUSTIN, CA - A local man, who was not identified, wandered into Tustin Buick/Pontiac/GMC and accidentally bought a car, according to sources close to him.
Said the man, "I don't know what happened. I mean, I came here intending to, like, maybe test drive one and just, y'know, see what it was like. I sorta blanked out and the next thing I knew, I drove away the owner of a brand new 2005 Pontiac G6 GT. I don't really remember what happened in between."
The man said the experience was not unlike "talking with my girlfriend about marriage then spacing out, then the next thing I know I'm married. And I speak from experience on this one."
[Pictures to follow]
Sunday, April 10, 2005
And now some more hellos...
Tom Thimons and Dan Taibi, how's it goin in Austria? Did both of you see the Pope on the big screen or just Dan? Glad you liked the videos Tom. Sounds like you might have used my "too sexy" video as inspiration for your girlfriend survey idea. Glad it went well for you. What do I do in my spare time? I write these lengthy posts/emails and listen to music while I scribble down ideas I have for software. Keep prayin for me and I'll keep conquering.
Amanda Leaderstorf, that is funny that your boyfriend is in the same Battallion as me. What a coincidense. I know exactly what base he's at too. I'll have to look him up if I get the chance. Thanks for writing to me and please let other SOL gals especially the grads know that I miss them and that they should write me and look to FU-NEWS.com for replys. Thanks and keep prayin for me.
To Bethany Croteau's Class
Ainsley Nugent - what sports do I like to play? My favorite is still baseball, even though I'm not very good at it. I always did enjoy playing football during recess though. Bethany, I mean Ms Croteau, knows a lot about me, but I'll bet she doesn't know who my other favorite saints are: St Peter, the pope of the Catholic Church and the guy who runs the gates of heaven. He's a really cool guy if you ever study the lives of the saints and one of the saints who died a very similar death like Christ. I also like Saint Thomas More who I'm named after. He is a guy that would not compromise his principles and what he thought was right no matter how much peer pressure his friends put on him. Ultimatly his friends lied about him and had him killed because he wouldn't agree with them on something that was wrong. I also like St Michael the Archangel because he kicked Satan out of heaven. He's also the patron saint of warriors so I pray to him a lot. What does this place look like? Did you ever see Star Wars? Remember the desert planet Luke lived on? It looks like that. Thanks so much for writing me and keep me in your prayers.
Michael M - Thanks so much for writing me. You are right it is hard out here especially without family and friends. Especially for me without Ileana who is my favorite girlfriend ever. I don't know what you think of girls now, but this girl would knock your socks off. Ask Ms Croteau. Ileana is tougher than most boys and looks great in a red evening gown to boot. Enough with the soppy girl stuff though, I think she's awesome and I miss her. Its a good thing I married her or she'd probably be dating someone else while I'm here cause lots of other guys like her too. Keep me in your prayers Mike, and thank you again for writing me.
Connor Bolton - Glad to hear you like math and spanish. My wife speaks spanish but I don't. I guess its a good thing she speaks english to or that would really be difficult. I like math a lot and went to college for it. Now I'm a computer programmer and trust me that math stuff is very important for all sorts of stuff there. What do I like to do here? I watch some movies every once in a while. I draw pictures and make up ideas for video games so when I get back I can make them on my computer. What kind of foods don't perish? Mostly candies like Jolly ranchers and life savers. You can also try things like Ramen Noodles and beef jerky. And beer. Oh wait, you can't send me that. Dang. What do I need? I'm actually doing pretty good here. Every once in a while I need things like baby wipes to clean myself off with, AA batteries to power tings like my walkman. Most of the other stuff is pretty taken care of. Usually I really like pictures of what other people are doing back in the US. See if Ms Croteau can't take a class picture and mail it to me or something. What kind of gun do I have? I use an M16A4 which fires a small round very far and very acuratly. Its important that it be acurate because our number one biggest concern over here is safety. We don't want to hurt anyone that is not a bad guy. What do I think of air soft? I think they are cool guns and a great way to teach yourself weapons safety. Remember the most important thing when it comes to weapons is safety. If you can't be safe with an air soft gun, then you can't be safe with a more powerful gun. If I were you, I'd ask your mom and tell her you want to learn to be responsible with weapons so that you know how not hurt yourself and others with them. If she thinks you are mature enough, maybe she'll let you practice with an air soft gun or some other way. Keep in mind, you can still hurt yourself with an air soft gun, and your mom may still think its a bad idea. Whatever she says is probably right, and you should take her advice. Thanks for asking, Connor. Please pray for me here and continue to write.
And to the anonymous person who wrote for me to have a Froggy Day, thank you! You have a Froggy day to and pray for me. Thanks you everyone, especially Bethany Croteau who is the coolest school teacher ever!
Tom Thimons and Dan Taibi, how's it goin in Austria? Did both of you see the Pope on the big screen or just Dan? Glad you liked the videos Tom. Sounds like you might have used my "too sexy" video as inspiration for your girlfriend survey idea. Glad it went well for you. What do I do in my spare time? I write these lengthy posts/emails and listen to music while I scribble down ideas I have for software. Keep prayin for me and I'll keep conquering.
Amanda Leaderstorf, that is funny that your boyfriend is in the same Battallion as me. What a coincidense. I know exactly what base he's at too. I'll have to look him up if I get the chance. Thanks for writing to me and please let other SOL gals especially the grads know that I miss them and that they should write me and look to FU-NEWS.com for replys. Thanks and keep prayin for me.
To Bethany Croteau's Class
Ainsley Nugent - what sports do I like to play? My favorite is still baseball, even though I'm not very good at it. I always did enjoy playing football during recess though. Bethany, I mean Ms Croteau, knows a lot about me, but I'll bet she doesn't know who my other favorite saints are: St Peter, the pope of the Catholic Church and the guy who runs the gates of heaven. He's a really cool guy if you ever study the lives of the saints and one of the saints who died a very similar death like Christ. I also like Saint Thomas More who I'm named after. He is a guy that would not compromise his principles and what he thought was right no matter how much peer pressure his friends put on him. Ultimatly his friends lied about him and had him killed because he wouldn't agree with them on something that was wrong. I also like St Michael the Archangel because he kicked Satan out of heaven. He's also the patron saint of warriors so I pray to him a lot. What does this place look like? Did you ever see Star Wars? Remember the desert planet Luke lived on? It looks like that. Thanks so much for writing me and keep me in your prayers.
Michael M - Thanks so much for writing me. You are right it is hard out here especially without family and friends. Especially for me without Ileana who is my favorite girlfriend ever. I don't know what you think of girls now, but this girl would knock your socks off. Ask Ms Croteau. Ileana is tougher than most boys and looks great in a red evening gown to boot. Enough with the soppy girl stuff though, I think she's awesome and I miss her. Its a good thing I married her or she'd probably be dating someone else while I'm here cause lots of other guys like her too. Keep me in your prayers Mike, and thank you again for writing me.
Connor Bolton - Glad to hear you like math and spanish. My wife speaks spanish but I don't. I guess its a good thing she speaks english to or that would really be difficult. I like math a lot and went to college for it. Now I'm a computer programmer and trust me that math stuff is very important for all sorts of stuff there. What do I like to do here? I watch some movies every once in a while. I draw pictures and make up ideas for video games so when I get back I can make them on my computer. What kind of foods don't perish? Mostly candies like Jolly ranchers and life savers. You can also try things like Ramen Noodles and beef jerky. And beer. Oh wait, you can't send me that. Dang. What do I need? I'm actually doing pretty good here. Every once in a while I need things like baby wipes to clean myself off with, AA batteries to power tings like my walkman. Most of the other stuff is pretty taken care of. Usually I really like pictures of what other people are doing back in the US. See if Ms Croteau can't take a class picture and mail it to me or something. What kind of gun do I have? I use an M16A4 which fires a small round very far and very acuratly. Its important that it be acurate because our number one biggest concern over here is safety. We don't want to hurt anyone that is not a bad guy. What do I think of air soft? I think they are cool guns and a great way to teach yourself weapons safety. Remember the most important thing when it comes to weapons is safety. If you can't be safe with an air soft gun, then you can't be safe with a more powerful gun. If I were you, I'd ask your mom and tell her you want to learn to be responsible with weapons so that you know how not hurt yourself and others with them. If she thinks you are mature enough, maybe she'll let you practice with an air soft gun or some other way. Keep in mind, you can still hurt yourself with an air soft gun, and your mom may still think its a bad idea. Whatever she says is probably right, and you should take her advice. Thanks for asking, Connor. Please pray for me here and continue to write.
And to the anonymous person who wrote for me to have a Froggy Day, thank you! You have a Froggy day to and pray for me. Thanks you everyone, especially Bethany Croteau who is the coolest school teacher ever!
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
Irony
Ever worry when you get onto an airplane? I suppose it's only natural to be slightly afraid when you get into a metal cage with 20,000 moving parts and miles of electric wiring, carrying several hundred gallons of highly explosive fuel 5 miles above the earth at speeds normally reserved for meteors. How do you reassure yourself? "They do all sorts of testing on these things to make sure they're safe." Which is, of course, correct.
Cars, trains, airplanes, nuclear power plants, chemical factories and the like all have one thing in common. They have extensive safety testing done on them to make sure that the chances of them killing everyone around is relatively slim. But can they really accurately test every part to see how long it takes to fail and, therefore, determine when it should be replaced? Of course not. It takes thousands, if not millions of hours for some parts to fail. They can't possibly run a whole group to failure to determine an average. Instead they'll just use the data they get from the part manufacturer or the sub-system contractor in a calculation for the failure rate of the Device of Death they're building.
But where do those failure numbers come from? One technique is called "Reliability Prediction of Electronic Parts". There are several different methods, or standards, used to determine what the failure rate of an electronic part is. Two of the most common are the Mil-217 standard and the Telcordia SR-332 method. These methods involve taking various bits of data about a component, such as its operating temperature, applied voltage, quality, etc. These bits of data are known as "pi factors". These pi factors are then multiplied against a base failure rate for the type of electronic component (capacitor, integrated circuit, transistor, etc.) to calculate an average failure rate for that particular component in that particular usage. So if you trust the US Military (which never makes mistakes, right?) or Telcordia Technologies (whoever the hell they are), then you pretty much know about how long it takes for your component to fail.
But most companies are still too lazy exert even this much work. That's where software applications come in, such as the fine products written by the company I work for. They can easily calculate all these pi factors and failure rates within milliseconds, based on a few user inputs. So now we also have to trust the engineer who inputs the parameters into the software.
But being Americans, this is still too much work. When you have 10,000 components in a single system, you don't want to be bothered with inputting every single one and setting the operating parameters. No, that's far too much work. Instead, we want a library of parts from various manufacturers already defined in the software so all we have to do is provide the software with a list of all the part numbers of the parts we're using, then the software will look up those parts and import their pi factors. So now in order for our Killing Machine to work safely, we have to trust the library and the person who assembled it. And who assembles said library? Me.
The other day, I realized what an awesome power over life and death I hold in my hands. thousands of reliability engineers from hundreds of companies are relying on the parts data in the library I'm making. If I screw up and enter a part as a Thyristor when it should be a Transistor, the consequences could be dire.
Take, for instance, the bug I found this morning in the code that imports a list of manufacturer's parts data to our library. For a certain capacitor, if it has a rated temperature of 65C or lower, the output to the library should be "CARTCR=RT65". This way the program will read the rated temperature properly and everyone lives. But due to a typo that I made (probably because I was reliving my previous nights adventures in the land of Azeroth in my mind), this was importing as "CARTCR=65". What's the big deal? Well, the next step down the road, the reliability engineer needs to use this part in his Suicide-o-nator. He tries to import the part, and the program gives him the error message "Part THX1138, invalid attribute 'CARTCR'. Setting to default." The engineer doesn't stop to think twice. He has tens of thousands of parts he just imported at the touch of a button. He doesn't have time to hunt through his entire project to find this part, nor does he really care, because he has no freaking clue what "CARTCR" even means or stands for. But (and this is where things get ugly) all hell breaks loose. The default rated temperature for this particular capacitor category is 85C. So in this engineers system, suppose he runs it at 75C. The software sees no problem with this, as the operating temperature is well beneath the rated temperature. The software calculates the part has a failure rate of 1 failure per 3 million operating hours. But such is not the case. For in reality, this capacitor is only rated to 65C and will explode at temperatures of more than 70C. In reality, the part failure rate is more like 3 million failures per 1 operating hour.
So the engineer signs off on his system, with an overall failure of once per solar cycle, thinking everything is safe. The maintenance engineer, seeing this overly optimistic failure rate establishes that, as preventive maintenance, the system should be replaced once every quiggly-jiggly-illion years. And all is peaceful in the land. Until the part is actually used on the Gizmo-o-Death.
"Tower, this is United 334 requesting permission to land," the black box records. "You are cleared to land, runway 3," comes the response. "Hello folks," the pilot says over the PA. "We'll be touching down just inside five - OH MY GOSH! WHAT IS THA---" followed by static. The charred remains of the plane plummet to the ground, landing on the low-income housing tract on the approach path to the runway, killing thousands on the ground. All this because there was a faulty capacitor on the landing gear control system, run at a temperature too hot, which was not caught by the software because some 24-year-old kid was day dreaming and bored at work.
So the next time you get on an airplane, or in your car, or even use an electric can opener, stop a moment to think whose hands your life is in. It just might be in mine.
So then you ask, "but the title of this column is 'Irony'. Where's the irony?" The irony is that with my luck, I'll probably be sitting in seat 14A of that United Flight 334.
[Editor's note: this article was edited, by popular demand, to make it less macabre. Which is ironic, because it's still pretty darn macabre.]
Ever worry when you get onto an airplane? I suppose it's only natural to be slightly afraid when you get into a metal cage with 20,000 moving parts and miles of electric wiring, carrying several hundred gallons of highly explosive fuel 5 miles above the earth at speeds normally reserved for meteors. How do you reassure yourself? "They do all sorts of testing on these things to make sure they're safe." Which is, of course, correct.
Cars, trains, airplanes, nuclear power plants, chemical factories and the like all have one thing in common. They have extensive safety testing done on them to make sure that the chances of them killing everyone around is relatively slim. But can they really accurately test every part to see how long it takes to fail and, therefore, determine when it should be replaced? Of course not. It takes thousands, if not millions of hours for some parts to fail. They can't possibly run a whole group to failure to determine an average. Instead they'll just use the data they get from the part manufacturer or the sub-system contractor in a calculation for the failure rate of the Device of Death they're building.
But where do those failure numbers come from? One technique is called "Reliability Prediction of Electronic Parts". There are several different methods, or standards, used to determine what the failure rate of an electronic part is. Two of the most common are the Mil-217 standard and the Telcordia SR-332 method. These methods involve taking various bits of data about a component, such as its operating temperature, applied voltage, quality, etc. These bits of data are known as "pi factors". These pi factors are then multiplied against a base failure rate for the type of electronic component (capacitor, integrated circuit, transistor, etc.) to calculate an average failure rate for that particular component in that particular usage. So if you trust the US Military (which never makes mistakes, right?) or Telcordia Technologies (whoever the hell they are), then you pretty much know about how long it takes for your component to fail.
But most companies are still too lazy exert even this much work. That's where software applications come in, such as the fine products written by the company I work for. They can easily calculate all these pi factors and failure rates within milliseconds, based on a few user inputs. So now we also have to trust the engineer who inputs the parameters into the software.
But being Americans, this is still too much work. When you have 10,000 components in a single system, you don't want to be bothered with inputting every single one and setting the operating parameters. No, that's far too much work. Instead, we want a library of parts from various manufacturers already defined in the software so all we have to do is provide the software with a list of all the part numbers of the parts we're using, then the software will look up those parts and import their pi factors. So now in order for our Killing Machine to work safely, we have to trust the library and the person who assembled it. And who assembles said library? Me.
The other day, I realized what an awesome power over life and death I hold in my hands. thousands of reliability engineers from hundreds of companies are relying on the parts data in the library I'm making. If I screw up and enter a part as a Thyristor when it should be a Transistor, the consequences could be dire.
Take, for instance, the bug I found this morning in the code that imports a list of manufacturer's parts data to our library. For a certain capacitor, if it has a rated temperature of 65C or lower, the output to the library should be "CARTCR=RT65". This way the program will read the rated temperature properly and everyone lives. But due to a typo that I made (probably because I was reliving my previous nights adventures in the land of Azeroth in my mind), this was importing as "CARTCR=65". What's the big deal? Well, the next step down the road, the reliability engineer needs to use this part in his Suicide-o-nator. He tries to import the part, and the program gives him the error message "Part THX1138, invalid attribute 'CARTCR'. Setting to default." The engineer doesn't stop to think twice. He has tens of thousands of parts he just imported at the touch of a button. He doesn't have time to hunt through his entire project to find this part, nor does he really care, because he has no freaking clue what "CARTCR" even means or stands for. But (and this is where things get ugly) all hell breaks loose. The default rated temperature for this particular capacitor category is 85C. So in this engineers system, suppose he runs it at 75C. The software sees no problem with this, as the operating temperature is well beneath the rated temperature. The software calculates the part has a failure rate of 1 failure per 3 million operating hours. But such is not the case. For in reality, this capacitor is only rated to 65C and will explode at temperatures of more than 70C. In reality, the part failure rate is more like 3 million failures per 1 operating hour.
So the engineer signs off on his system, with an overall failure of once per solar cycle, thinking everything is safe. The maintenance engineer, seeing this overly optimistic failure rate establishes that, as preventive maintenance, the system should be replaced once every quiggly-jiggly-illion years. And all is peaceful in the land. Until the part is actually used on the Gizmo-o-Death.
"Tower, this is United 334 requesting permission to land," the black box records. "You are cleared to land, runway 3," comes the response. "Hello folks," the pilot says over the PA. "We'll be touching down just inside five - OH MY GOSH! WHAT IS THA---" followed by static. The charred remains of the plane plummet to the ground, landing on the low-income housing tract on the approach path to the runway, killing thousands on the ground. All this because there was a faulty capacitor on the landing gear control system, run at a temperature too hot, which was not caught by the software because some 24-year-old kid was day dreaming and bored at work.
So the next time you get on an airplane, or in your car, or even use an electric can opener, stop a moment to think whose hands your life is in. It just might be in mine.
So then you ask, "but the title of this column is 'Irony'. Where's the irony?" The irony is that with my luck, I'll probably be sitting in seat 14A of that United Flight 334.
[Editor's note: this article was edited, by popular demand, to make it less macabre. Which is ironic, because it's still pretty darn macabre.]
Padres to Change Name
Hope to gain increased recognition with Los Angeles title
SAN DIEGO, CA - The Padres baseball franchise has announced that they will change their name from the San Diego Padres to the Los Angeles Padres of San Diego, in an attempt to garner increased public recognition and a larger fan base.
The move follows a name change by the Anahiem Angels to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Padres owner, John Moores, has stated that the Angels name change gave him the idea. "Let face it, there are only 2 million people in San Diego, but there are more than 10 million in LA county. If we can get just half of those people as fans, thats still more than twice the number of fans we could have in just San Diego," said Moores.
Moores said he also hopes that the name change will bring greater public recognition of the team from the rest of the country. "In this geographically-challenged nation, hardly anyone farther away than Imperial County knows where San Diego is anymore. It's best if we can be identified with the largest nearby major city." Added Moores, "everyone knows where LA is."
Unlike the city of Anaheim, which is suing the Angels franchise over their name change, the City of San Diego is apparently happy to see the Padres change their name. Said San Diego Mayor Dick Murphy, "for years, we here in San Diego have been trying to build a reputation as a major international tourist city. Now that people will no longer associate that third-rate baseball team with us, we'll have a chance. We just need to do something about the Chargers."
F.U. News has learned that name changes under consideration by other baseball franchises include the Los Angeles Rockies of Denver, New York Diamondbacks of Arizona, and the Hollywood Braves of Atlanta.
Hope to gain increased recognition with Los Angeles title
SAN DIEGO, CA - The Padres baseball franchise has announced that they will change their name from the San Diego Padres to the Los Angeles Padres of San Diego, in an attempt to garner increased public recognition and a larger fan base.
The move follows a name change by the Anahiem Angels to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Padres owner, John Moores, has stated that the Angels name change gave him the idea. "Let face it, there are only 2 million people in San Diego, but there are more than 10 million in LA county. If we can get just half of those people as fans, thats still more than twice the number of fans we could have in just San Diego," said Moores.
Moores said he also hopes that the name change will bring greater public recognition of the team from the rest of the country. "In this geographically-challenged nation, hardly anyone farther away than Imperial County knows where San Diego is anymore. It's best if we can be identified with the largest nearby major city." Added Moores, "everyone knows where LA is."
Unlike the city of Anaheim, which is suing the Angels franchise over their name change, the City of San Diego is apparently happy to see the Padres change their name. Said San Diego Mayor Dick Murphy, "for years, we here in San Diego have been trying to build a reputation as a major international tourist city. Now that people will no longer associate that third-rate baseball team with us, we'll have a chance. We just need to do something about the Chargers."
F.U. News has learned that name changes under consideration by other baseball franchises include the Los Angeles Rockies of Denver, New York Diamondbacks of Arizona, and the Hollywood Braves of Atlanta.
Monday, April 4, 2005
John Kerry announces Candidacy for Papacy
BOSTON, MA - John Kerry (D-MA), announced in a statement released earlier today that he will run as a democratic candidate for the papacy.
Speaking at Boston College, Kerry spoke of the passage of John Paul II. "He was a man that we all admire. His conviction on a whole range or moral issues, such as abortion, contraception, and gay marriage, served to strengthen the Church and better the world."
When asked why he should be pope, Kerry responded "I seek to be pope because I think that the Church needs a leader that will not alienate other religions by acting unilaterally. The previous Church administration, by unilaterally defining its own policies without consulting other religions, served to weaken the ties with traditional allies, such as the Presbyterians and Episcopalians.
"My message to the Catholics of the world would be to move on. I believe the previous pope took the wrong approach over matters such as abortion, contraception, and gay marriage. I personally am opposed to abortion; I think it's wrong. But to take what is essentially a matter of faith and require billions of people around the world to believe it as well doesn't make sense to me."
[Author's note: I actually came up with the idea for this article shortly after the election]
BOSTON, MA - John Kerry (D-MA), announced in a statement released earlier today that he will run as a democratic candidate for the papacy.
Speaking at Boston College, Kerry spoke of the passage of John Paul II. "He was a man that we all admire. His conviction on a whole range or moral issues, such as abortion, contraception, and gay marriage, served to strengthen the Church and better the world."
When asked why he should be pope, Kerry responded "I seek to be pope because I think that the Church needs a leader that will not alienate other religions by acting unilaterally. The previous Church administration, by unilaterally defining its own policies without consulting other religions, served to weaken the ties with traditional allies, such as the Presbyterians and Episcopalians.
"My message to the Catholics of the world would be to move on. I believe the previous pope took the wrong approach over matters such as abortion, contraception, and gay marriage. I personally am opposed to abortion; I think it's wrong. But to take what is essentially a matter of faith and require billions of people around the world to believe it as well doesn't make sense to me."
[Author's note: I actually came up with the idea for this article shortly after the election]
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