John Kerry announces Candidacy for Papacy

BOSTON, MA - John Kerry (D-MA), announced in a statement released earlier today that he will run as a democratic candidate for the papacy.

Speaking at Boston College, Kerry spoke of the passage of John Paul II. "He was a man that we all admire. His conviction on a whole range or moral issues, such as abortion, contraception, and gay marriage, served to strengthen the Church and better the world."

When asked why he should be pope, Kerry responded "I seek to be pope because I think that the Church needs a leader that will not alienate other religions by acting unilaterally. The previous Church administration, by unilaterally defining its own policies without consulting other religions, served to weaken the ties with traditional allies, such as the Presbyterians and Episcopalians.

"My message to the Catholics of the world would be to move on. I believe the previous pope took the wrong approach over matters such as abortion, contraception, and gay marriage. I personally am opposed to abortion; I think it's wrong. But to take what is essentially a matter of faith and require billions of people around the world to believe it as well doesn't make sense to me."


[Author's note: I actually came up with the idea for this article shortly after the election]