In the New House

(To the tune of "At the Gala" from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episode "The Best Night Ever")



I can't believe we're finally here!
With all that we've imagined, this house is going to be the Best House Ever!

In the new house!
(In the new house!)

In the new house,
There's a backyard
Where the kids can play.
They can run and
scream their lungs out in the new house!
(In the new house.)

When they're being
Too rambunctious,
Just shove them out the door.
Take a seat and pour a bottle
Of the finest beer!

(Lock the door, close the blinds
And soothe yourself with liquor
In the new house!)

In the new house (it's amazing),
In the bathroom (really awesome),
Sinks each for you and me (oh what joy).
No more bumping (oh thank goodness)
Of our elbows (our poor elbows),
Oh what luxury (decadence)!
And we'll be much better spouses,
With our separate sinks!

(No more cleaning stubble from around my sink because
You will have your very own to use in the new house.
In the new house!)

In the new house
I can fire up
The grill and make a feast!
We'll make hamburgers and chicken on the barbie!
(In the new house.)

No more bloody
HOAs
And their commie rules.
We can cook how damn we please
When we're in the new house!

(Burn your house to the ground with a leaky propane tank.
It's your house, so who cares.
Do what you damn please
In the new house.)

We're so thrilled that
We'll be walking
Distance from our church and school now.
Daily Mass and adoration,
It's a cause for celebration.
Walking that much every day
I'm going to lose so much weight.
Be so holy and so healthy right here in the new house!

(Walk the kids just down the block
To drop them off at school.
Or make them go on their own
And sleep right in till noon!
In the new house.)

One place we won't have to walk,
And this I say with glee,
Is out the door and down the block and then across the street
Just to get the mail. That was a pain, I'm sure you will agree.
Mostly junk mail
And some bills for
Me at the big new house!

(Mailbox is right on the wall near the front door
In the new house.)

In the new house (in the new house)
In the dining (in the dining)
Room is where we'll eat (where we'll eat).
Never have I lived in a house with such a thing (what a thing).
It is going to be so special
To have a room just to eat (this will be the best house ever)!

(Into the new house we must go
We're ready now, we're all aglow
Into the new house, let's go in and own the best house ever.
Into the new house, form a line
It is about f***ing time!)

(Into the new house)
Big backyard
(Into the new house)
Two-sink bathroom
(Into the new house)
Barbecue
(Walk to church)
But not to get mail.

To drink!
Two sinks!
To grill!
To walk!
Or not!
To dine!

Into the new house
Into the new house
And we'll have the best house ever!
In the new house!


(Also don't miss the "At the Gala" parody "The Convention".

Marvel's Agent Mary Sue

In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, it is said that drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is similar in effect to having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

Watching Marvel's Agent Carter was like having your brains smashed in by a large gold brick inscribed with the words "PATRIARCHAL OPPRESSION! WHITE MALE PRIVILEGE!"

I really wish it were different. I really wanted this series to be good. But alas and alack.

My first warning was upon reading the series synopsis: "It’s 1946, and peace has dealt Peggy Carter a serious blow as she finds herself marginalized when the men return home from fighting abroad."

Uh-oh. "Marginalized" is a leftist buzzword, I thought. But perhaps it's just a quirk of word choice, I thought. Or perhaps that will be a minor point in character development. Hopefully, it won't be that bad.

It was not that bad. It was a hundred times worse.

The marginalization was not just a character development point. It was not even a theme. Instead, Marxist-feminist gender theory was the premise, point, and purpose of the entire show. It was not a comic book TV show about secret agents fighting bad guys. It was actually thinly-veiled agitprop about the evils of The Patriarchy™. In this way, the show violates the cardinal rule of the storyteller: art serves the muse, not the agenda.

Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating. I really wish I was. But upon reflection and discussion, I become more and more convinced that the show creators did not just include Marxist-feminist themes because it was their world view, but they deliberately and specifically made numerous plot, story, character, and dialog choices to browbeat the audience into accepting the Marxist-feminist narrative, from the first scene of the first hour to the last scene of the second. Come along with me and I will explain all.