*Mentally counts* 17... 18... 19... 20!

A-ha! Twenty posts since my last Space Pirates post. Time to bore you again!

So after a year, I figured enough time had passed and it was time to re-visit Episode I and go through the long process of editing. So far I've finished editing the first chapter, which you can read here.

My first thought when I went back to read it was I couldn't believe you people actually liked it. Some of the writing is just awful. Terrible grammar, excessive wordiness, boring descriptions in the middle of action, excessive use of the passive voice. I mean, come on, people. Where are your standards?

Anyways, here's a highlight of some of the changes.

Firstly, the prologue is gone. While I liked how it gave an overview and timeframe for the story, there was nothing in it that was essential information that wasn't conveyed better within the scope of the novel, and it served as a terrible opening hook.

One thing I've learned is that while the passive voice is something that can be used to great effect, it doesn't work in action. Action scene sentences need to be short, to the point, and exciting. Also, (this is something my instructor emphasizes) a story is more interesting if we're hearing it from a particular person's perspective. "The tree fell and crashed to the ground" is not as exciting as "Bob's heart raced when he heard the crack of the wood. He dove for cover, narrowly avoiding being crushed by the tree that fell and crashed to the ground." Keeping that in mind, here's how it was and is:

As it was	As it is
“Cannons loaded and at the ready, if you please” he barked at the gunnery officer, as he instinctively braced himself. Before he could get a response, the fluyt rocked violently as an explosion was heard through the ship.	“Cannons loaded and at the ready, if you please” he barked at the gunnery mate, while instinctively bracing himself. Before he could get a response, the fluyt rocked violently and he heard an explosion through the ship.

Another problem I have is repeating the same words over and over.

As it was

As it is

The fluyt rocked violently as an explosion was heard through the ship.... Again, a bang rocked the fluyt, but this time it was their own cannons firing a broadside at where the pirate ship had been, just moments earlier. The cluster of wrecked ships among which the pirates had been hiding was rocked by explosion as their area of effect shells detonated at the preordained distance, but it did them no good as the pirate vessel narrowly outran the explosion.

The shells detonated at the preordained distance and the cluster of wrecked ships among which the pirates had been hiding was obliterated by the explosion, but it did no good. The pirate vessel narrowly outran the blast.

In that example, "rocked" and "explosion" were both used three times in one paragraph. I trimmed out one usage of each. Not that rocking out to explosions isn't cool or anything.

A non-grammatical change that I'm making is the general feel of the writing. When I first started, it was much more Star Trek-y in feel. I later decided it should feel more 18th century than 22nd century, so I changed some of the terminology. Sensors, engines, reactor, etc. became Crow's Eyes, sails, furnace. Hence the change from "gunnery officer" (originally "security officer" in the very first draft) to "gunnery mate".

However, when I began writing it, I was still planning that they'd have faster-than-light travel. (I scrapped that partly because, as I was writing the pirate attack scene, I couldn't figure out why the fluyt wouldn't just jump to lightspeed. Or how you would even have piracy if any ship could just jump away from an attack.) As such, some of the technology in the first chapter seems more 22nd cetury than I'd like. References to auto-loading cannons, targeting computers, etc. were scrapped in favor of gunnery crews, like a wooden sailing vessel would have.

As it was

As it is

“Track them and fire, single turret only,” the captain ordered. His fluyt had four cannon turrets, two port and two starboard. Amongst the four the ship could defend itself from an attack in any direction, its strong points being in the plane of fore, aft, top and bottom, where all four turrets could aim. This pirate was carefully staying off to one side, prompting the captain to fire one turret at a time, so that the other turret that covered that firing arc might be ready should a good shot present itself. The captain counted down, waiting for the auto-loader to finish, while the targeting computer tracked the pirate vessel and computed its speed, trajectory, and looked for patterns in the evasive maneuvers to try to predict where the target would be, and aimed the turrets accordingly, taking into account the time it would take for the shell to reach the target and applying the proper deflection. The massive turrets slowly moved and, when the loading mechanism completed, another muffled bang could be heard through the hull as the cannon fired.

“Track them and fire, spaced firing sequence,” the captain ordered. He began counting down, waiting for the gunnery crews to reload. Looking back through the viewport, he saw a bright flash from the pirate vessel. He only had a moment to prepare himself before his fluyt rocked a second time.  “Where be me guns, Mr. Cobb,” the captain demanded of his gunnery mate.  “Loaded and ready,” the officer replied. The captain heard the muffled bang of the first gun, followed several seconds later by the second, as the gunnery crew fired each cannon in turn.  The pirate vessel bobbed and weaved, attempting to put some distance between themselves and their prey. Every few seconds the fluyt would send another volley at them, preventing them from flying straight enough to get off a good shot.  The captain felt his fluyt rock with each volley and, watching the bright streak of the tracers, he noted the shells getting progressively closer to their target, the gunnery crew improving their aim with each shot. The pirate's maneuvers became more erratic, as their pilot desperately tried to avoid the incoming projectiles. He watched one shell leave the barrel and, visually tracing its path, thought they might have a hit. But just before it hit the pirate vessel, their enemy ducked behind an asteroid, and the shell impacted harmlessly into the rock.

That example is also an example of another of my problems. As a friend pontied out, I tend to write like an engineer. Breaking from an exciting action sequence to describe, in detail, the armaments of the fluyt and the fire arcs each one covers does not help the pacing. Another example:

As it was

As it is

This time the captain saw more clearly what he was up against. The pirate vessels main broadside cannons looked to be smaller, only 105-millimeter, which would have some trouble penetrating the fluyt’s thick armor. But their turret appeared to be a linear induction cannon, more commonly known as a rail gun. Instead of using an explosive charge to launch the shell, it used the magnetic field created by a sudden discharge of electricity to provide velocity. This cannon had a far higher muzzle velocity, but was limited by projectile caliber. However, when used in conjunction with a larger caliber conventional gun, it could be deadly. The linear induction cannon would punch a small hole in the armor while the larger conventional cannons would make that small hole a lot bigger.

Now he was at a disadvantage; he had no guns ready to fire, and the pirate had all of his. He tightened his grip and braced himself. The pirate ship came streaking towards them, putting the asteroid to their rudder and the fluyt to their bow. They were momentarily obscured by the flash of light and cloud of smoke that emerged from the gun deck in the bow of the ship as the pirate fired with everything she had, before breaking to her starboard.   The fluyt bucked and creaked, twisting under the explosive force. Alarms started blaring, and the lights on the bridge went out, for just a moment, before the red emergency lighting came alive.

On that same note, and on that of changing the feel to be that of "the age of sail in space", ships are getting re-armed. The fluyt is now an eight-gun ship (instead of four) and Redemtrix will be either a ten- or twelve-gun corvette (not sure yet; up from six guns). Also, originally the cannons were described as 105mm (nicknamed the "one-aught-fives"), to model those in the AC-130. They are being upgraded to 155mm (after the M198 howitzer) and will be referred to as the much more age-of-sail-sounding "hundred pounders" (the M-107 shell that's fired by the M198 howitzer does, in fact, weigh about 100 lbs.).

Another change is that I'm trying to be clearer about motion and action. Someone commented of the original draft that it was unclear how people were moving in zero-gravity (also, all references to that are being changed to the more scientifically-accurate micro-gravity). Part of the reason is because it was unclear in my own mind how people were moving around. As I edit and re-write, I'm trying to form a better picture of the movement, and trying to keep in mind whether or not their is gravity in that scene, and how much.

As it was	As it is
The captain moved back to his chair and rang the engine room on the intercom. “What be the damage?” he asked the engineer.	The captain pushed off from the Crow's Eyes station and floated to a panel in the middle of the bridge. Arresting his momentum, he lifted a handset from its cradle and rang the engine room. “What be the damage?” he asked the engine mate.

A concern that came from some of my classmates is that the appearance of the charaters is not really clear. Regina is the only character who is described in detail in the narrative. All other descriptions were—literally—added as an afterthought. I'm trying to work them in a little better, and when the characters make their appearance.

Lastly, I'm reviewing all names, to be changed, possibly (save Jack and Regina). This came about when I realized that Jack and John sound very much alike. John has since been renamed the much more ethnic-sounding "Yosef" (after Joseph Mkasa, another of the Ugandan Martyrs). I'm pretty sure Elijah will be renamed "Damian" ( :) ) to make it a little less obvious who the real-life person he's based on is. Steve is keeping his name, but might be referred to as "Steven", Zack should get a name change, but I honestly can't think of anything that has quite the geeky sound as Zack. David and Gregory will be renamed, but I have no idea to what, yet.

As it was	As it is
"Well, that's one way," Elijah had commented to Jack, as they both removed their gas masks. So there Jack stood, after what had to be one of the strangest boarding operations. "You almost done there, John?" Jack had to yell, as John had moved to the aft of the cargo hold, chasing down a couple crew who didn't want to become whatever it was they thought space pirates did to them.	"Well, that's one way," Damian had commented to Jack, as they both removed their gas masks.  Jack ran a hand through his jet-black hair, flattening it. He stroked his goatee, reflecting on what had to be one of the strangest boarding operations he had ever pulled. "You almost done there, Yosef?"

You know what Visual Studio really needs? Achievements.

I can think of a few good ones:

"Code wench": Write 100 lines of code.

"Code monkey": Write 1000 lines of code.

"Code robot": Write 10,000 lines of code.

"Code factory": Write 100,000 lines of code.

"Hello, world!": Write an entire program (>500 lines) that builds and runs.

"Master coder": Write an entire program (>500 lines) that builds and runs on the first try.

"I know code-fu": Write an entire program (>500 lines) that builds and runs with no warnings or errors on the first try.

"Where's Waldo?": Find a missing semi-colon.

"Mind trip": Write 100 lines of C++ code before realizing you're working with C#.

"School for the gifted": Write 100 lines of Visual Basic code before realizing you're working with C#.

"Screw you, Sun": Write a program in C#.

"All your base": Write a program that reads or writes data from an Access database.

Don't you think Microsoft should get on this for the next release of VS.Net?

Once while in a late-night fog, while I browsed the interblog,

Searching for some YouTube vid to make me laugh at funny cats,

And reading comics of stick men, or checking for new feeds again,

I bid "later" to the fellows in the Fark IRC chat.

"Caffeine is what is really needed nothing more and only that,

Just one cup and I'd be back"

My cat had curled up so neatly purring gently and so sweetly,

Sleeping peacefully and deeply, in my warm and comfy lap,

Suddenly she was awaken, and from her slumber she was shaken.

On her feet she landed gently, rudely woken from her nap.

Curling round she started licking as she does after each nap.

I left her, fetching my night cap.

As I dreamt about my steaming coffee, she then started scheming.

A twinkle in her eye, now gleaming. Mischief's what she had in mind.

Of this I knew simply nothing. I was too naively trusting,

To think my dear and sweet, soft kitty could ever be a mastermind.

"Code monkey needs his nightly coffee," was my thought. I was too blind,

To see the foe of all mankind.

Once out of sight, she went to work. She bore her fangs. A devilish smirk,

Graced her otherwise sweet and innocent, cute and cuddly feline face.

Moving gracefully, with power, to behind my mini-tower,

She eyed the wires beneath my desk deciding which one to deface.

She glanced around, the coast was clear, now was her chance, the perfect place,

To dine behind computer's case.

She licked her chops, the drool came thickly, then dove right in, moving quite quickly,

First a bite and then a nibble, from a sweet and succulent wire.

Oh, what heaven for this kitty, to be dining without pity,

On the chewy, yummy string that was the goal of her desire.

Greedily she did devour, severing the important wire,

Thinking not of the coming ire.

Returning from the kitchen then, to dive right in once again,

To my guild's planned and purposeful twenty-five man Warcraft raid,

The kitty sprinted lickety-split, from 'neath the desk as I did sit,

And I thought nothing of it, joining the group for our premade.

Only then did it strike me, as Azeroth was displayed,

Something's amiss. I was dismayed.

I turned the volume, no sound came, I checked the settings in the game.

No problem there but still I couldn't hear a single sound from fair Goldshire.

Reaching back, I checked connections, to see, upon closer inspection,

What was the seeming defection that caused the problem, oh so dire.

Feeling round I felt a problem with the all important wire.

It was severed, that important wire.

Turning round, I saw dear furry kitty, no more sweet and purry,

Watching me from just outside the archway to the bedroom door.

The look upon her face was all I needed. She turned down the hall,

Quickly running from the impending doom that she knew I bore.

"You evil, vile, demon kitty! You'd better run" and out I tore.

"Your days will not be many more!"

Around the house, a wild route, she ran with me in hot pursuit,

Of the villain, no longer cute, who had destroyed what I held dear.

A path of violence left in our wake as I attempted to overtake,

That Hun, the demolition cat whose death was very, very near.

"I'll catch you yet, you run in vain, you only tire yourself, I fear.

For your end is very near!"

She doubled back, my legs between, and continued to careen.

She sprinted for the bed, to hide, but alas, to no avail.

Diving I slid across the floor clearing ten feet or more,

And caught the tazmanian devil, draggin her out by her tail.

"I caught you, agent of destruction, in your escape, you surely FAIL!

In my vengeance, I will prevail."

I hoisted her to my eye level, to stare her in the eye, that devil,

Who had wrought so much desctruction on my poor computer wire.

"And now my justice shall be meted, and at last you shall be treated,

For your evil plans defeated. Now prepare for punishment most dire."

I raised my hand to strike her, and to show her my full ire.

But something made my wrath expire.

She looked at me, a gaze most touching, as if to my heart, she were clutching,

Trying to stay my rash judgment, with a look apologetic.

"Sorry" she seemed to pur nervously and fluffed her fur,

Looking as cute as ever she had, and evoking a mood sympathetic.

She meowed sorrowfully while purring and while acting quite pathetic.

"Forgive me?" She seemed apologetic.

"Oh, I can't be mad at you, dear Isis, you who chase computer mices,

And sit upon my lap and pur. Just promise me you'll chew no more."

In her eye I saw a twinkling, almost as if she were winking.

She fluffed her fur and rubbed me as I set her on the floor.

"You hear my, Isis? I'm quite serious. Being mad at you, I abhor."

She meowed as if to say "no more."

The Nine Most Important Words Ever Spoken.

The universe waited.

The planets seemed to stop in their orbits. The stars might have ceased burning for a moment, waiting to exhale. Even the galaxies' momentous spin was arrested by the tension. It was as if all of creation were awaiting the Answer that would come.

Across the universe, the angels gave pause. Those who had gone before turned an ear towards a tiny blue ball of iron circling an insignificant star in an out-of-the-way corner of an uninteresting galaxy in the unimportant Virgo cluster of galaxies. For upon this tiny speck of dirt, the most important decision ever to be made was about to be made.

A stranger had asked something of a little girl. The stranger was tall and fearsome, with an intense gaze. The little girl was maybe fourteen years old and the very last person on Earth, to say nothing of the universe, that you would expect to be making such a monumentally galaxy-shattering decision.

All in heaven, on earth, and under the earth stopped to listen. They awaited, the tension palpable, for the girl to speak her will.

The girl paused a moment, considering. After only a moment—far less time than one would expect for a decision with such great and infinitely disparate consequences—the girl returned the stranger's gaze and spoke.

"I am the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word."

And it was.

-----------

Inspired by: St. Bernard of Clairvaux, John C. Wright.

I think one could make a pretty convincing argument for the Immaculate Conception based solely on the fact that God would not be so cruel as to leave the greatest decision ever made—a decision which would affect the destiny of every person to ever live—to a fallen and imperfect being.

Got another one for the Grand Unified Theory of TV Shows and Movies.

Dollhouse itself is, of course, created by Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel/Firefly/Serenity/Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog fame.

Required Reading:

Stem Cells: A Political History.

Some interesting stuff that I did not know in that article. For instance, did you know that President Bush was the first president to allow the use of federal funds for embryonic stem cell research? I knew he had allowed non-destructive ESCR, but did not realize that Clinton had not acted on that front.

It also makes President Obama look so much more the fool for diverting money from induced pluripotent stem cells—which are akin to embryonic stem cells but derived from adult stem cells—and adult stem cell (which both show tremendous promise) to embryonic stem cells (which have so far produced no cures or treatments).

So the relevant question here is: if you can produce iPSCs in two ways, one of which destroys a unique human life and poses ethical problems, and one of which has no such hindrance and as such poses no such ethical issue, why, Mr. President, do you chose the former?

The only options I can think of are: you are ignorant of the issue because it is "above your pay grade"; you are bowing to pressure from lobbyists; you are intentionally trying to devalue human life.

Happy first day of Spring!

At 11:44 am UT this morning, (4:44 if you're in California, 6:44 if you're in Chicago or Texas, 7:44 if you're in Virginia, Florida, or Ohio), the Earth crossed that mystical point in space such that the Sun crossed the celestial equator as seen from Earth. This denoted that the Sun is now "in" the Northern Hemisphere and marks the first day of Spring.

What is particularly interesting is that, had the Sun crossed the celestial equator just sixteen minutes later, you could have "drawn" a perfectly straight line through the center of the earth, the intersection of the Prime Meridian and equator, the center of the Sun, and the intersection of zero hours right ascension and 0° declination on the celestial sphere.

While the Prime Meridian and equator of the Earth coincide with the celestial Prime Meridian and Equator once every 23 hours and 56 minutes (or about 366 times a year), the 

celestial prime meridian is defined as the First Point of Ares or the vernal point, i.e., that point that the Sun occupies in the sky during the vernal equinox.

What this means is that at noon UT today, the Sun was directly above 0°N, 0°E, and was also at 0 hours right ascension and 0° declination. (The Sun, afterall, is a disk not a point, so while the exact center of the Sun was not directly overhead, part of the Sun was.)

In Celestial terms, this is what it looks like:

Notice how the Sun covers the intersection of the celestial Prime Meridian and equator.

Other interesting points:

While today is the equinox, it is not the day that day time and night time are equal. That was the equilux and occured several days ago (Tuesday, here in So Cal). The reason day and night are not the same length today is because the Sun's disk spans several arcminutes of the sky, and the Earth's atmosphere bends the sunlight around the curve of the Earth slightly. These two factors combine to make the day slightly longer than night.

Secondly, since the Sun is a disc, it actually takes it about 33 hours to completely cross the celestial equator. That means starting yesterday and going until sometime tomorrow, the Sun will be covering the vernal point.

Too funny not to link.

Unskippable: Onimusha 3

I think Graham and Paul have hit a new high. I haven't laughed this hard at Unskippable since Grandia III.

Idiot of the Day/Week/Month.

Haven't had one of these in a while.

Click here to kill even more brain cells.

Key quotes: “We spent a lot of time in the ’90s trying to distance the network from science fiction, which is largely why it’s called Sci Fi,” Mr. Brooks said. “It’s somewhat cooler and better than the name ‘Science Fiction.’ But even the name Sci Fi is limiting.”

[...]

“When we tested this new name [SyFy], the thing that we got back from our 18-to-34 techno-savvy crowd, which is quite a lot of our audience, is actually this is how you’d text it,” Mr. Howe said. “It made us feel much cooler, much more cutting-edge, much more hip, which was kind of bang-on what we wanted to achieve communication-wise.”

[...]

“We need an umbrella brand we can attach to new businesses: Sci Fi games, Sci Fi kids. It does no use to attach ‘Sci Fi’ because there’s hundreds of sci-fi Web sites and sci-fi publications. So it’s changing your name without changing your name,” Mr. Howe said.

There are no words in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for how much of a tool this guy sounds like.

Sancte Joseph

Ora pro nobis!

Cultivating a deep relationship with your patron saint is always a good idea. Particularly so in my case, as my patron is also the patron of my station in life.

It always amuses me when protestants criticize Catholics for praying to the saints. Equating "asking for help" to "worshipping as a false god" is a pretty big leap. By that logic, if I ask a friend to help me move, I'm violating the first commandment and worshipping my friend as a false god. Because, really, that's what praying to the saints boils down to: asking a friend for help.

If we need some material help, such as the previous example of help moving, or volunteering of time, or help wathing the kids, we don't hesitiate to ask our friends. After all, what are friends for? But why limit our petitions for help to material goods? Why not ask our friends when we're in need of spiritual support? Even protestants will ask their friends to pray for them. But then, why limit our prayers to our friends on earth? Why not ask our friends in heaven, who are in the presence of God Himself to intercede on our behalf? If a friend would do all he could here on earth, is there any reason to think that he wouldn't do all he could to help us once he has attained unity with Christ?

And to say that Saint Joseph has helped me is an understatement of the same order of magnitude as the statement "the sun is hot" or "the universe is big" or "God is good".

Just over three years ago, in 2005, shortly before the housing market peaked, Rie and I got it in to our heads that we should buy a home. I seem to recall being vaguely aware that their was a housing bubble, and that prices were inflated, but for some reason, I didn't think it would pop quite so dramatically; I just thought it would level off, then take about twenty years for inflation to catch up. After listening to the advice of those who should have been more knowledgable than I, we (foolishly) decided that then would be a good time to buy a home.

After a couple months of discouragment (which, if you were following the blog back then, produced (the ever-controversial) this, this, and (my all time favorite) this post), we finally found a "wonderful" home: a 740 sq. ft. 1 bed, 1 bath condo for the low, low price of $265,000. Our bid was accepted and we were well on our way to becoming home owners.

And we would probably still be living there, up to our ears in debt, paying a mortgage that was easily twice as much as the condo was worth, were it not for the intercession of Saint Joseph (I think it was our novena to him that saved us).

The whole escrow process was an incredibly stressful hassle from start to finish, and included such gems as the selling agent trying to (illegaly) cancel the bid and put the house back on the market. (The details there were we had a loan contingency in our original bid, which the seller agreed to; midway through escrow, the seller sent us a form stating that the bid would be cancelled unless we removed the loan contingency, which he had no right to do.)

Well, on Friday, November 18th, the day before escrow was set to close, Rie's mom (our realtor), noted that another unit in the same complex that we had looked at earlier had come back on the market after falling out of escrow. It was the same price, but a little nicer. It was a ground floor unit and had a little backyard and new flooring. Elizabeth thought that we could use the form the seller had sent us to (legally) back out of our current bid, and put in a new bid on this other unit. She called her husband José (another Joseph!) to ask his advice, but was unable to reach him (he later said that he never would have recommended backing out last-minute). She next called me to suggent the possibility to me. I was very hesitant, but after being reassured by her that she could make it work, I (foolishly, or fortuitously, depending on how you look at it) agreed. After an afternoon of furiously faxing forms fback fand forth, we had pulled out of our bid and put in a new one.

What followed was probably the most stressful week of my entire life (yes, more stressful than the one semester in college in which I had seven finals over a span of four days). The next morning she got a call from the new seller's agent stating that they were delaying accepting our bid because the seller was experiencing some family emergency, and wasn't sure he would be able to sell. By that Saturday afternoon, we finally received word that the seller was taking the condo off the market, and our bid was rejected. We had already given the 30-day notice on our apartment, and were supposed to be out by the first week of December; utilities had already been canceled, and movers had already been scheduled. With less than two weeks in our current apartment, we had no place to go.

(Oh, I forgot to mention, on the prior Thursday, the 17th, Rie was fired from her job as executive assistant to the President of Blizzard for trivial political reasons (it was finally processed as a transfer, as the President himself made sure she got a job in customer service: he didn't want to lose her from the company just because everyone in HQ were selfish ****, but for a few weeks she was out of work); So that was additional stress on top of the stress, with an extra helping of stress-fried stress and a side of stress.)

That Saturday evening, Rie furiously searched apartment hunting websites, looking for something we could move into on short notice, while I drowned my sorrows in WoW. We were only able to find one complex where the office was open on a Sunday, so we checked it out. Providentially, they had one 1 bedroom apartment that would be becoming available early the next week, but when we related our story and need, the were able to bump up the date to so we could move in that Saturday.

That week was Thanksgiving week, so I took the entire week off work so I could pack. During the week we madly packed, rescheduled movers, arranged for utilities in the new place, etc. Saturday we moved and Sunday we rested.

Now, three years later, we have a bid in on the condo we've been renting for the last two years. For $5000 less than the 1 bedroom closet in Santa Ana, we are getting a 1200 sq. ft., 3 bed, 2 bath townhouse with attached two-car garage, in a much nicer area in Laguna Hills.

With all the foreclosures and short sales and lost money on the housing bust, all I can think is "there, but for the grace of God and the intercession of Saint Joseph, go I." It is for this very reason that I end all my prayers with one simple petition: "Saint Joseph, protector of families, pray for me!"

Click here to kill all your brain cells.

Thank you, Verizon. I think we are all officially dumber after listening to that. You are awarded no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

And be sure to check out Randall Munroe's (of XKCD fame) response.

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by her.

Obvious exits are E, N, S, and DENNIS.

(More photos here)

I would be remiss in my duties...

...if I did not let you know about the demo for Wallace and Gromit's Grand Adventures.

I have not played it yet, but hope to do so upon getting home tonight.

By the way, this is made by the same people who brought you the recent Sam & Max games, as well as Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People (which, if you have not played, then you are unworthy to be reading my blog; come back when you're cooler) so you know it's going to be good. As a bonus, if you pre-order now, you can get a free copy of one episode from each of those two outstanding games.

What are you waiting for! It's hot and you want it! Grab the phone! Flying for the Rebel Alliance was never this much fun!

</obscurity>

In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

This video was made before Obama signed the largest spending bill in US history, and before he proposed a budget to add more to the national debt than all previous presidents combined. How prophetic.

When The Onion is right, they are very, very right.

Weird

Creepy

Ok, so here's today's XKCD, published at 9:00 pm:

And here's today's PVP, published at 10:00pm, just one hour later.

What. The. Hell. Two completely different webcartoonists publishing cartoons about very similar subject matter on the same day at almost the same time.

I hear if you say "Munroe Kurtz" into a mirror five times, the ghost of teh interwebs will devour your soul.

Gravity Simulator Update

More pretty colors to look at!

The new version includes several new features, and still no help file or settings dialog!  Get it here.

Too funny not to link.

Porn for Women!

(Go ahead. No really. Don't be afraid to click it.)

The comments were particularly amusing. Especially:

"Is that all we are to you? Domestic objects? I'm deeply offended."

and

"Those poor exploited men, driven to posing in such demeaning fashion, just for money. It breaks my heart. Let's take up a collection and get them some drinking money. They're going to need it."

I Have an Heir to My Throne.

When I am gone, he shall rule over my kingdom.

Introducing Damien Alexander to the world. He says hi.

Jazz hands!

For those of you who missed Sara's amazing come-from-behind victory, here you go.

Sorry for the crappy video quality. I recorded it in HD, but it took three video transfers on two different computers to get it to a format I could upload.

Who Watches "Watchmen"?

I consider myself fairly "up" on topics of geekitude, even when it's something that I don't use or doesn't interest me. For instance, I know that the mascot for the next release of Ubuntu is Karmic Koala, even though I've never used that OS. I know that Vodaphone's new Google Android phone is the first that won't have a keyboard. I know the premises of Dr. Who, the X-Files, Red Dwarf, and other geek TV shows, even though I didn't ever really follow any of them.

So you can imagine my surprise when last year, when the Watchmen trailer debuted, every geek on the interwebs simultaneously had a nerdgasm. "omfg teh Watchmen movee looks soooooo good!" the interweb trolls cried out. News and opinions on whether it was going to be any good have been flying through the 'tubes ever since. Lamentations that they might "mess it up" have probably been the internets' greatest fear. Verily, every single geek website I read has had some mention or post or comment on the movie, about when the author is going to see it, or if he thinks they'll stay faithful to the graphic novel.

Which makes me wonder, who are these Watchmen and why have I never heard of them?

It's bizarre. Every other geek on the face of the planet is flipping out about this movie, and I had not even heard the name "Watchmen" until I saw the trailer before whatever it was I saw the trailer before (Dark Knight I think?). Granted, there are other items of geekery that had slipped by me and I only discovered in retrospect (Firefly comes to mind here, as I didn't know about that until the movie came out). But typically in those cases, I could tell I wasn't alone, as other geeks would mention just finding out about it, or talk about it in a such a way that it seemed they didn't expect their entire audience to be aware of it, or give the general impression that it wasn't prevalent. But Watchmen, I just can't get away from, and every geek is making it seem like every geek who is some geek has read Watchmen at least twice.

And it get's even more bizarre when, watching the trailer, I think: "this looks really, really lame." Every geek has been talking about how awesome the trailer is, and how it gives them high hopes that Mr. 300 won't mess it up, but honestly? I just looks dumb to me. I mean, you've got the big blue glowy guy who looks like a cross between the Silver Surfer and a smurf. There's Night Owl, who looks like a cheap knock-off of Batman. The "Comedian"? Really? How is this different from "The Joker"? As the Murloc put it, they all seem like riffs of DC or Marvel heroes. And don't get me started on this Silk Spectre chick. That has got to be the most unflattering costume I've seen on a superhero. All the fanboi geeks are raving about hot hawt she looks, but I think the costume just looks uncomfortable and ugly. (Go here if you don't know what I'm talking about.) I mean, there's hot superheroines, hawt superheroines, and there's this, which is neither hot nor hawt. And what's with the "I" and "II" after the names? Did Nite Owl have a son, and become "Nite Owl, Sr."?

It's a good thing I don't have a large audience, because I'm sure I'd get the all the fanbois descending on me like a ton of bricks. "omfg u dont no wutz ur talking about if u red teh novel u would no how awexome it is night owl is nuthing lke batman ur so dum and ghey and dum." But that's a point I concede. Perhaps if knew more about the story, I would know what everything is about and the trailer would be less a ball of suck and more a ball of intrigue. Granted.

However, generally speaking, I like what other geeks like. Rarely have I been disappointed by what other geeks say is cinema classique. I am a geek, ergo I like geeky things, ergo if other geeks like it, so, too, will I, probably. So, despite my shear ignorance on the subject, I was willing to trust the General Will of the geeks of the internet and give the movie a shot.

Until I saw the rating.

"Rated R for strong graphic violence, sexuality, nudity and language." Erm, yeah— no. Just... no. And most of the geeks I have read say that's a good thing, and necessary to stay true to the graphic novel. I think I'll pass. I probably won't even try it on DVD. I might watch it when it comes to TV or basic cable. But until then, you can have your Watchpersons.

(Note that I did watch 300 on DVD, despite have a similar rating, but that's because it at least interested me. I hadn't read the graphic novel, but the subject matter, combined with the trailer, at least made me want to see if it was any good. (Conclusion: meh, but I still won't be heading downtown.))

Also, I gather that Richard Nixon is a villain, or something, in the movie which just confirms my theory that the left still isn't done crucifying him, long after he's dead and burried.

Don't forget to watch Jeopardy tonight and cheer for Sara Harold. Set your DVR to platter it if you won't be home.

What? You don't have a DVR? Then begone! Verily, thou are not cool enough to read my blog!

Reaction -> Dilemma -> ...Indecision.

If you're reading this, it means I probably accidentally hit "Publish Post" instead of "Save Now".

Being open to advice or criticism is a very important life lesson, and much of one's character formation should be about learning to graciously accept advice and learning how to apply it (the extent to which this trait is developed in today's society is a whole 'nuther topic, for a whole 'nuther day). This is especially true for the aspiring author or learning writer.

But one thing that I have trouble grasping is this: how do I know which pieces of advice to take to heart and which to discard?

To let you know where this is going:

During my writing class, the instructor and other students have been giving me lots of advice—very good advice, really—on ways to improve Space Pirates (and if you did not see that coming as the topic of the post, then... well... then you are clearly not even remotely clairvoyant). So far during the class, we have been covering the classical plot structure and bringing in explanations of the Plot Point decisions, events that shape those decisions, character reactions, etc. During the previous class meeting we covered the climax of the novel, and our homework explained how the focal character fought the protagonist (intellectually or physically), the loose ends to tie up, and the denouement.

(The rest of this article assumes you've read Space Pirates, so you may be lost or spoiled if you have not already. Well, I don't really consider anything that happens in Episode I a "spoiler", as the "twists" are mere trivialities compared with the real plot twists in the coming installments. It would be like calling the fact that R2-D2 and C-3PO escape the Tantive IV and reach Tatooine in an escape pod a spoiler. )

(There are also minor, trivial plot points from later episodes mentioned as well, so don't read those if you don't wants ta know.)

Some very good questions were asked, which I had to explain, and some good advice given. For instance, one fellow student, after asking why Tim wants the MacGuffin disk (minor spoiler: to sell to Gregory, as established in the ending), pointed out that both Tim and Jack want the same thing for the same reason, so why should we want Jack to "win" in the climax? Why does the reader have an emotional investment in Jack's victory? The instructor came to my defense on this point, explaining that in many stories, the hero and villain want the same thing, it's just a question of how they go about doing it. She then said that Tim would then have to be a really evil or sleazy character, and Jack had to be very virtuous in order to make the reader have a vented interest in one over the other.

The instructor's advice was to "raise the stakes". She asked me why Jack needed this job so badly, I explained that he didn't have much money and he couldn't afford continued maintenance on his ship. She countered that it needed to be more than that. His ship should be falling apart, barely flying. Also, she was pretty insistent that Jack should find out what's on the disk that's so important. (I tried to explain that I was trying to mimic the feel of Ronin, in which after 2 hours of searching for a silver case with unknown contents, the heroes get it, but never is the audience allowed to know what it contained; in that movie, the story is about the mercenaries themselves, not what they're after.) After explaining to her what's on the disk, (trivial Ep. III spoiler: research on efficient and inexpensive anti-matter creation, for the purposes of building an anti-matter bomb) she said that when Jack discovers this, he should then do the right thing and turn the disk in to the US Navy for a reward. Also, Tim should be planning to sell it to the "North Korea" analogue: the enemy, terrorist nation-state that would do heinous things if they got their hands on it.

One of the ladies in the class also seems pretty adamant that their should be some romantic element, and this was seconded by the instructor, either between Jack and Regina, or perhaps between Regina and Tim.

Now, all this seems very good advice, and would put Space Pirates more in the vein of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Serenity, or any of the other great SF/F tales, wherein you have a noble hero who is drawn (typically against his will) into battle against the ultimate foe, where he must do the right thing and keep the evil enemy from obtaining that item that would bring about an end of the world as we know it. Usually along the way, there is some romantic interest to either help or hinder the hero.

There's just one problem: that's not the story I want to write (at least, not to begin with). Jack is not the noble hero, Tim is not the evil villain. They're both just space pirates. They both just do a job. They're both jerks, in their own right. They both have good qualities, in their own ways. There really isn't one supreme reason why Jack should win out over Tim, and that's the way I want it.

Joss Whedon said of the creation of Firefly that he didn't want to tell some grandiose SF tale, about the movers and shakers of the universe: the people who save civilization as we know it, day in and day out, like in Star Trek. Instead, he said that he wanted to tell a tale about the people that the Enterprise would blow right by without a moment's notice: ordinary people doing ordinary things like finding a job to make ends meet, but in a SF setting.

(Author's disclaimer: to my credit, I came up with the entire plot and setting of all six SP novels before I ever saw any episode of Firefly, so no, I'm not just ripping off Joss. I prefer, coinciding with him.)

I don't think this could more perfectly describe my ideas for SPE1. Perhaps a better title would be "A Day in the Life of a Space Pirate" (or a month and a half, as the case may be). I just wanted to show what an average day was like in the life of average Joe Space Pirate. He gets a job. He does the job. He doesn't get paid. He has to go back and do it right. He meets a bully who's not particularly evil, just sort of a jerk. He has his own problems and his own vices. This is supposed to be real life, just in space.

Jack doesn't care what's on the disk, nor would he give it to the US Navy even if he did. They wouldn't pay as much as he can get from Gregory and they wouldn't offer him the steady employment he can get from Gregory. And even if the information on the disk was potentially harmful to someone, somewhere, why does he care? He's a space pirate! He's not paid enough to care.

But then, if Jack isn't that great of a guy, why does Dear Reader care if he wins or loses? Why would you be emotionally invested in seeing this guy come out the victor? Why do you care?

So my dilemma boils down to this: do I tell the story that the reader wants to read, or do I say to hell with the reader and write the story I want to write?

* * *

Perhaps my problem is that I told the tale to my class from Jack's point of view. He is the focal character of the six-book series, after all. But he's not the character that the audience is supposed to like the most. That distinction goes to Regina (who is my favorite character from the series). So perhaps we should tell the tale from her point of view. I think it makes it a little more palatable that way.

It also makes more sense this way. The Plot Point II decision is hers to make. Jack's decision is easy: steal the disk from Tim. I mean, come on, what else is he going to do? But Regina's the one who has to suffer the hard choice. Who does she side with in the end, Jack or Tim? Jack really isn't that different from Tim. They're both (same spoiler as the first one) working for the same guy; they're both jerks towards Regina; they both have redeeming qualities; they're both ambitious and willing to sell the other guy out to make a buck. Why root for Jack and not Tim? Of course, in the end, she chooses Jack because Tim is merely nice to her on the surface, while being a jerk underneath. Jack is a jerk on the surface, but always has her best interests at heart. My hope is that Dear Reader, associating with her, will agree with her decision and reasons, and thus be more endeared towards Jack, and root for him to be the victor. I hope.

But even then, it's still a weak emotional attachment. It's not the ultimate climax of good vs. evil, but the fight between a jerk with a heart of gold, and a jerk with the heart of a jerk. Why should the reader give it any more than a passing "meh"?

* * *

Again, in my defense, the story doesn't stay the same throughout all six episodes. Jack doesn't stay the same through all six episodes. Of course my classmates and my instructor are right. It would be a better story if the protagonist is the virtuous hero, battling the evil overlord. A morally ambiguous character really can't carry a series.

Since deep down, Jack is the virtuous guy, of course he does the right thing in the end. While the battle between him and Tim is ambiguous, the battle becomes more clearly defined as things go on. In later episodes, he comes against real moral struggles, and of course he does the right thing and fights for truth, justice, and all that jazz. It goes without saying.

Similarly, how could I possibly write a story where the hero is an author insertion, and the heroine is an analogue of the author's wife and not have a romantic element? Of course Episode II starts building romantic tension; it goes without saying!

But can I really use that excuse? "Yeah, the first couple books really are sorta ambiguous, and there's no real reason to root for the good guy, but trust me: it gets better. Just give me 800 pages and 15 hours of your life, and you'll get to the good parts." To quote John Gabriel, I didn't even know you could do that.

P.S. TVtropes are fun! Have fun with that link. You're welcome. No, you can't have those hours of your life back.

P.P.S. How many tropes can you find in Space Pirates? There's the obvious ones: Jack's the Lovable Rogue and The Captain, Regina the Mary Sue (or to be correct, the Canon Sue) and Gamer Chick. I haven't found the tropes for the others, but I'm sure they're there. Redemptrix (I hope) is a Cool Starship, and Regina's gleeful dispatching of Tim's mercenaries, I think, qualifies it as More Dakka. I think Tim's plan was a foiled Xanatos Gambit, and Jack's a successful one. And of course, the disk is a Grade-A, pastuerized, homoginized MacGuffin.

P.P.P.S. TVTropes on The Mary Sue:

She's exotically beautiful (a-yup, the only character to be described in detail), often having an unusual hair or eye color (Regina's blue eyes are mentioned several times), and has a similarly cool and exotic name (I think so). She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas (fantastic pilot, cook, engineer, singer, flutist....), and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws (only one that comes to mind is that Regina is an adrenaline junky) — or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing. She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story (a-yup; more on that later). The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues (check, check, check, and check), and are quick to adopt her into their nakama, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting (*cough* Zack *cough*); if anyone doesn't love her, the character who dislikes her will get an extremely unsympathetic portrayal. (*cough* Jack *cough*)

P.P.P.P.S. She scores a 93 on the Mary Sue Litmus test. "Irredeemable-Sue. You're going to have to start over, my friend. I know you want to keep writing, but no. Just no." The internet hates me :(

3x3=09.

To illustrate