Bumper Sticker Shows Bush Error of His Ways
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced today that he has reversed his stance about the war with Iraq because of a bumper sticker he saw.
"I was riding in my motorcade and this car passed me with a bumper sticker that said 'War is not the answer,'" the President said. "I just couldn't refute that profound argument. Thank you to that anonymous driver, who has shown me the error of my ways."
Bush went on to apologize to the people of Iraq for freeing them from Saddam Hussein.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
The Restroom Rostrum
By John T. Crapper
Hello, fellow commode dwellers! In this issue of The Restroom Rostrum, we take a closer look at three restrooms from the fine city of Wichita Falls, Texas. I had the great pleasure of being able to visit this town during my recent trip to the 2004 Toilet Symposium.
On our way from the airport, we had stopped at a Burger King for a quick lunch, when I realized I needed to take a dump. Now, normally I cringe at the idea of having to use a fast food restaurant's bathroom. The quality of the upkeep is usually less than desirable. The phrase "hit and miss" refers both to the likelihood that they'll have soap and the previous users' accuracy. But I was desperate to drop my load and johns make better toilets then John's pants, as I like to say. I was pleasantly surprised to find this restroom in a state of good upkeep and cleanliness. The restroom was a one-user room, with no interior stall. The floor had obviously been recently mopped and was free from any stickiness. There was very little dirt or crud, as can frequently be found on even the cleanest tile floors. The dispenser had toilet paper-aplenty, so much so that even Marlon Brando could have wiped to his heart's content and left a still nearly full dispenser. The sink had both hot and cold water available from the same handle for easy temperature adjustment. Hot water flowed immediately, with no warm-up time, but this could be because some one had used the bathroom shortly before I did. The restroom was supplied with both a hand blow dryer and paper towels, so it's guarenteed to meet the preferences of everyone. I usually prefer a combo of the two, using a paper towl to catch the drips and get my hands mostly dry, then the warm refreshing dryer to finish them off. I was a bit disappointed upon closer inspection of the dryer. It was a '93 GE model, which are notorious for blowing to slowly and taking ages to warm up. This one was no different. All in all, the restroom was quite nice, and much more than I expected. Only the flickering flourescent light and the lack of a urinal detracted from one of the better fast food restaurant restrooms I've used. I give this one a 3-ply tissue (out of 4).
Work in progress
By John T. Crapper
Hello, fellow commode dwellers! In this issue of The Restroom Rostrum, we take a closer look at three restrooms from the fine city of Wichita Falls, Texas. I had the great pleasure of being able to visit this town during my recent trip to the 2004 Toilet Symposium.
On our way from the airport, we had stopped at a Burger King for a quick lunch, when I realized I needed to take a dump. Now, normally I cringe at the idea of having to use a fast food restaurant's bathroom. The quality of the upkeep is usually less than desirable. The phrase "hit and miss" refers both to the likelihood that they'll have soap and the previous users' accuracy. But I was desperate to drop my load and johns make better toilets then John's pants, as I like to say. I was pleasantly surprised to find this restroom in a state of good upkeep and cleanliness. The restroom was a one-user room, with no interior stall. The floor had obviously been recently mopped and was free from any stickiness. There was very little dirt or crud, as can frequently be found on even the cleanest tile floors. The dispenser had toilet paper-aplenty, so much so that even Marlon Brando could have wiped to his heart's content and left a still nearly full dispenser. The sink had both hot and cold water available from the same handle for easy temperature adjustment. Hot water flowed immediately, with no warm-up time, but this could be because some one had used the bathroom shortly before I did. The restroom was supplied with both a hand blow dryer and paper towels, so it's guarenteed to meet the preferences of everyone. I usually prefer a combo of the two, using a paper towl to catch the drips and get my hands mostly dry, then the warm refreshing dryer to finish them off. I was a bit disappointed upon closer inspection of the dryer. It was a '93 GE model, which are notorious for blowing to slowly and taking ages to warm up. This one was no different. All in all, the restroom was quite nice, and much more than I expected. Only the flickering flourescent light and the lack of a urinal detracted from one of the better fast food restaurant restrooms I've used. I give this one a 3-ply tissue (out of 4).
Work in progress
Friday, March 5, 2004
A moment of silence for the dearly departed
From a LucasArts press release.
LucasArts has decided to stop production on Sam & Max
"After careful evaluation of current market place realities and underlying economic considerations, we've decided that this was not the appropriate time to launch a graphic adventure on the PC" says Mike Nelson, Acting General Manager and VP of Finance and Operations. There is currently no plan to reduce staff.
I agree with these people.
From a LucasArts press release.
LucasArts has decided to stop production on Sam & Max
"After careful evaluation of current market place realities and underlying economic considerations, we've decided that this was not the appropriate time to launch a graphic adventure on the PC" says Mike Nelson, Acting General Manager and VP of Finance and Operations. There is currently no plan to reduce staff.
I agree with these people.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Scientists Discover Lines Actually Same Length
20-year government-funded study discovers shocking truth about arrows
GAITHERSBURG, MD - Scientists from the National Institute of Standards and Technology's Physics Laboratory have released the 3000-page findings of a 20-year, $42 million study that shows that the two lines pictured above are actually the same length.
The lines were measured with the most advanced equipment and it was found that the lengths were the same, down to the nanometer. For comparison, a human hair is between 50,000 and 70,000 nanometers. "We were shocked," said Dr. Vickie Braxton of the NIST. "After our initial measurements, we knew they were close to the same length, but we had no idea how close."
Dr. Braxton admitted that before the Institute began its study, there was widespread debate about the lengths. "Some scientists argued that the line on the right is longer, because it looks longer. Others claimed that it was an optical illusion to hide the fact the one on the left is longer. Still others claimed that the artist intended to draw each line as the same length, but due to imperfections in the technique and medium, there would be a variance of a few microns. I don't think anyone expected the results we got."
The implications of this are staggering, according to the NIST report. "The idea that two lines could be accurately rendered to be so close in length flies in the face of 200 years of line-measurement." The report concludes with a petition to congress for an additional $50 million to develop a more accurate line-measuring tool that can determine the lines length down to another order of magnitude, to see if any discrepancy in length can be found.
20-year government-funded study discovers shocking truth about arrows
GAITHERSBURG, MD - Scientists from the National Institute of Standards and Technology's Physics Laboratory have released the 3000-page findings of a 20-year, $42 million study that shows that the two lines pictured above are actually the same length.
The lines were measured with the most advanced equipment and it was found that the lengths were the same, down to the nanometer. For comparison, a human hair is between 50,000 and 70,000 nanometers. "We were shocked," said Dr. Vickie Braxton of the NIST. "After our initial measurements, we knew they were close to the same length, but we had no idea how close."
Dr. Braxton admitted that before the Institute began its study, there was widespread debate about the lengths. "Some scientists argued that the line on the right is longer, because it looks longer. Others claimed that it was an optical illusion to hide the fact the one on the left is longer. Still others claimed that the artist intended to draw each line as the same length, but due to imperfections in the technique and medium, there would be a variance of a few microns. I don't think anyone expected the results we got."
The implications of this are staggering, according to the NIST report. "The idea that two lines could be accurately rendered to be so close in length flies in the face of 200 years of line-measurement." The report concludes with a petition to congress for an additional $50 million to develop a more accurate line-measuring tool that can determine the lines length down to another order of magnitude, to see if any discrepancy in length can be found.
Tuesday, February 3, 2004
And another Janet Jackson post
Families Cover Childrens' Eyes During Half-Time Show
Move by Timberlake only impure blight in an otherwise family-friendly 3 hours
Catherine Moorer, mother of four and spokeswoman for Families Against Pornography berated Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and MTV in a statement earlier today, calling the now-infamous costume-rip a "black mark on an otherwise clean 3 hours."
Moorer went on to say "My family was having a fun time watching the festivities and I had just asked my 8-year-old daughter if she wanted to learn to dance like the S&M side dancers when, out of the blue, they pull this stunt. I was outraged!" Moorer went on to praise the rest of the Super-Bowl programming as "good old fashioned family fun." "We laughed at the flatulent horse, blushed at the swearing children, and wrote down the name of the erectie dysfunction medication (for my husband). Next Halloween, my 6-year-old son wants to go as rapper 'Nelly' and glue his hand to his crotch. Imagine my 11-year-old daughter's disappointment when I told her she couldn't go trick-or-treating in Janet Jackson's black leather Gladiator outfit because of this stunt."
Families Cover Childrens' Eyes During Half-Time Show
Move by Timberlake only impure blight in an otherwise family-friendly 3 hours
Catherine Moorer, mother of four and spokeswoman for Families Against Pornography berated Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and MTV in a statement earlier today, calling the now-infamous costume-rip a "black mark on an otherwise clean 3 hours."
Moorer went on to say "My family was having a fun time watching the festivities and I had just asked my 8-year-old daughter if she wanted to learn to dance like the S&M side dancers when, out of the blue, they pull this stunt. I was outraged!" Moorer went on to praise the rest of the Super-Bowl programming as "good old fashioned family fun." "We laughed at the flatulent horse, blushed at the swearing children, and wrote down the name of the erectie dysfunction medication (for my husband). Next Halloween, my 6-year-old son wants to go as rapper 'Nelly' and glue his hand to his crotch. Imagine my 11-year-old daughter's disappointment when I told her she couldn't go trick-or-treating in Janet Jackson's black leather Gladiator outfit because of this stunt."
What a Surprise, MTV Does Something Shocking
Nation rolls eyes in amazement that Janet Jackson might do something indecent
The nation was "quite" shocked during the Super-Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's costume, exposing her breast. Timberlake later issued a statement "apologizing" for the incident, calling it a "um... wardrobe malfunction. Yeah, that's it."
Lakisha Stanko, spokeswench for Decency In The Media (Like That's Going To Happen) read a statement denouncing Jackson and Timberlake for this "immoral and entirely predictable" half-time show. Said Stanko, "This is just another in a long line of outrages that have come from MTV, like we didn't see them coming." Stanko admitted that the statement had been prepared by DITM(LTGTH) 2 months ago, when they first heard that MTV was producing the half-time show.
Nation rolls eyes in amazement that Janet Jackson might do something indecent
The nation was "quite" shocked during the Super-Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's costume, exposing her breast. Timberlake later issued a statement "apologizing" for the incident, calling it a "um... wardrobe malfunction. Yeah, that's it."
Lakisha Stanko, spokeswench for Decency In The Media (Like That's Going To Happen) read a statement denouncing Jackson and Timberlake for this "immoral and entirely predictable" half-time show. Said Stanko, "This is just another in a long line of outrages that have come from MTV, like we didn't see them coming." Stanko admitted that the statement had been prepared by DITM(LTGTH) 2 months ago, when they first heard that MTV was producing the half-time show.
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