Horoscopes

Brought to you by Fletcher-Jones Motorcars: 'The Stars see a new Mercedes Benz in your future'



Aries: (March 21—April 19)

True strength is found in standing firm, yet bending gently, so long as you aren't bending gently to get the soap in the prison's community shower.



Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

Solitude is necessary to the human spirit, but your mother won't buy that as the reason you haven't dated in 10 years.



Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

A man's reputation is only as solid as his character. So be sure to take on that mission that will add +5 Dexterity and +3 Strength. That will really make your Everquest character solid.



Cancer: (June 22—July 22)

Each day you live is another chance to stretch your limits and expand your horizons, so be sure to take advantage of that before this coming Thursday.



Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)

Only you can navigate the course your life will take. So why do you think that the random movement of stellar bodies trillions of miles away will have the slightest affect on your life?



Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

Who you are is reflected in the world around you, which explains why trees suddenly double in width when you walk by, you fat slob.



Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)

In each one of us there is a wanderer - a seeker and explorer of life. So keep that in mind next week when you "wander" into a bar "seeking" romance and end up "exploring" the inside of a dumpster.



Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)

Tranquility can't be acquired, only experienced, but acquiring that LSD will certainly get you closer to the experience.



Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

Life has no borders or boundaries, or so your boss says every time they move you into a smaller cubicle.



Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)

"Let the warm glow of the setting sun kiss life's hurts away" the psycho-hijacker will say as he aims the first inter-planetary passenger liner, on which you happen to be an unfortunate passenger, straight towards the sun



Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)

It's the journey that counts, but don't expect the dozen or so police cars chasing you down the crowded interstate to realize this and go easy on you.



Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)

On the canvas of the imagination, worlds of incredible beauty are created. It's very sad just how many worlds are going to be destroyed this weekend when the aliens use there mind-control device to brainwash to entire planet into doing their evil bidding.



With very few apologies to American Greetings, Corp. and their day-to-day smarmy quote calendar