The Summer Blockbuster Final Tally.
Now that this mad, mad, mad, mad summer of big movies is finally winding down, we can take a step back to analyze, objectively, which one was the best. Noticing a void and filling it in his best manner, Dave put together a Reviewinator program in Visual Basic that provides a method of rating movies, taking into account that different movies are good for different reasons. The Reviewinator allows you to define categories for a movie, and weight them according to what is most important. For instance, "ability to make you cry," "touchy-feely-ness," and "David Duchovny's suaveness" might be important categories for Return to Me but not for Commando. The Reviewinator then takes a weighted average to determine the objective score for a movie. Note that a category can have a negative weighting, which indicates that it's important that a movie does not have that quality (for instance, "touchy-feely-ness" in Commando), but in all cases, higher category values are better (for instance, a category weighted -5, with a value of 10 indicates that it's important the movie not contain any of that, and it didn't).
So without further adieu, I present the final, objective, and completely inarguable scores for the summer's top blockbusters.
Review for Spider-Man 3
Overall rating: 8.56
Content summary:
Web-slinging action (weight 5): 9
Intense, character-driven story (weight 5): 10
Evil, freak-show villains (weight 5): 10
Ability to stay on a single plot line for more than 30 seconds (weight 3): 3
Review for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Overall rating: 8.24
Content summary:
Pirates (weight 5): 10
Ninja (weight -5): 10
Swords (weight 5): 10
Boats (weight 5): 10
Coherent Plot (weight 1): 6
Scene in which it is revealed that after 10 years, if the Dutchman's Captain's love remains true to him, he is released from his service and a new captain is found, otherwise, he is bound for an eternity, which explains that Calypso's betrayal of Davey Jones doomed him to an eternity as captain of the Dutchman, and gives the movie a satisfying ending, wherein Elizabeth, by being true to Will, gets him back after 10 years (weight 4): 0
Review for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Overall rating: 7.50
Content summary:
Superheroes (weight 5): 8
Supervillains (weight 5): 7
Action (weight 5): 7
Extreme lameness, like the first one (weight -5): 8
Review for Ocean's 13
Overall rating: 8.22
Content summary:
General Confusion about what's going on (weight 4): 8
George Clooney's suaveness (weight 3): 10
Brad Pitt's ability to make any woman swoon (weight 3): 6
Matt Damon's boyish good looks (weight 3): 8
Al Pacino's eeeeevilness (weight 3): 10
Julia Roberts' mouth the size of New Hampshire (weight -1): 10
Witty Repartee (weight 5): 7
Vegas, baby (weight 1): 10
Review for Transformers
Overall rating: 9.00
Content summary:
Awesomeness (weight 5): 10
Extreme Explosions (weight 5): 9
Crap-your-pants Action (weight 5): 10
One-liners (weight 3): 7
Ability to be appreciated by anyone outside of the 18-35 male demographic (weight 1): 5
Review for Ratatouille
Overall rating: 9.47
Content summary:
Animation (weight 5): 10
Humor (weight 5): 9
Sweetness (weight 4): 10
Pixar's Magic (weight 5): 9
Review for Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, in IMAX 3D
Overall rating: 10.00
Content summary:
Witchcraft (weight 5): 10
Wizardry (weight 5): 10
Story (weight 5): 10
Shootout in the Ministry of Magic, in 3D (weight 5): 12
Quidditch (weight 1): 0
Review for The Simpsons Movie
Overall rating: 7.95
Content summary:
D'oh! (weight 5): 10
Why you little! (weight 5): 10
Aye Carumba! (weight 3): 8
*sneers* Excellent (weight 3): 7
Humor (weight 5): 8
Bart's penis, which I really just did not need to see (weight -1): -10
And there you have it, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix easily walks away as the best movie of the summer. Remember, if you disagree you are not just wrong, you are educated stupid and evil.
Also, I haven't yet seen Live Free or Die Hard or The Bourne Ultimatum so if you have, please feel free to send me a pithy and arbitrary review.
-----EDIT-----
Finally saw Bourne Ultimatum and Die Hard 4 so here are the indisputable reviews.
Review for Bourne Ultimatum
Overall rating: 8.39
Content summary:
Suspense (weight 5): 10
Action (weight 5): 10
Suspenseful foot chases (weight 4): 10
Action-ful car chases (weight 5): 10
Matt Damon's boyish good looks (weight 3): 10
Hot chick, saved by Matt Damon's boyish good looks (weight 4): 10
OMFG WOULD YOU HOLD THAT GORRAM CAMERA STILL FOR JUST ONE FRAKKING SECOND! (weight 5): 0
Hehe. I used swear words from both Serenity AND BS Galactica in that previous category (weight 0): 10
Review for Live Free or Die Hard
Overall rating: 7.76
Content summary:
Compelling villain, portrayed by either Alan Rickman or Jeremy Irons (weight 4): 0
Explosions (weight 5): 10
"I'm a Mac" guy (weight -1): -5
More explosions (weight 4): 10
Bruce Willis progressively getting the crap kicked out of him (weight 5): 10
Even more explosions (weight 3): 10
Improbable means of killing bad guys (weight 3): 5
Destroying a helicopter by jumping a car into it (weight 4): 10
Hot asian ninja chick (weight 3): 10
Hot asian ninja chick getting her butt kicked by a non-ninja punch to the face (weight 3): 10
Plot where, in the end, it does in fact end up being a bank robbery (weight 1): 7
Beethoven's Ninth (weight 1): 0
Review for The Bourne Ultimatum
ReplyDeleteOverall rating: (you'll have to calculate that but overall I really liked it)
Content summary:
Good plot with lots of suspense and a good message and a noble hero and a satisfying ending with a little sliver of a possibility for a sequel (weight 10): 10
Seriously good-looking actor who as far as I know isn't obnoxiously vain and hasn't made any idiotic political statements (weight 8): 10
Hero who wants to make atonement for the evil things he did when ordered to and wants to put an end to the evil program that made him what he was and who also turns out to be Catholic (weight 7): 10
Incredibly tough former hitman who wins over cute female agent and convinces her to help him fight the evil secret program and later nearly kills himself to save her (weight 5): 10
Jumping from rooftops and smashing through windows (weight 5): 10
Hair-raising car chases in several picturesque international cities (weight 5): 10
Smashing very nice cars into little bits, with the hero walking away (weight 5): 10
Driving off the roof of a parking structure, with the hero walking away (weight 5): 10
Incredibly tense chases on foot in which the brilliant hero totally befuddles the bad guys and thwarts every their attempt to corner him (weight 5): 10
Annoyingly jerky camera work that blurs the action so you can't see who's hitting whom and about which they should have had a disclaimer saying "No steadycam was used in making this movie" (weight -50): 10
Mom B., thanks for the review of Bourne Ultimatum. I figured that Mr. Shakes would hold the camera since the it's the same director as Supremacy, and he likes to film in Confuso-vision(TM: MST3K). By the way, you rated for the Bourne film a 5.24. Is that right?
ReplyDeleteJoe, according to your "Bart Simpson's privates" score (-10), it registers as a positive. Not what I think you intended. (Your final score doesn't reflect a -10.)
Regarding Pirates: AWE
Scene in which it is revealed that after 10 years, if the Dutchman's Captain's love remains true to him, he is released from his service and a new captain is found ...
I totally missed this and think you're making it up to fill one of many gaps in a mess of a film. Was this point actually in the film?
I'll have to see it again for my final judgement, but I'd give Pirates a 4. IMO, it was such nonsense, and the redeeming features of Pirates AND Ninjas (or were they Ninja Pirates?) didn't make up for all of the shortcomings.
For me, Ratatouille was the best film I saw this summer, and it was Miriam's first in the theater. She really liked it!
Awww, c'mon Mr. Pickles -- Keira Knightly as a Pirate Lord! AND a 40-foot tall sea goddess! How can you miss w/that?? I think that the movie kept up that grand Pirates tradition of having an incomprehensible plot with lots of cool special effects, because that's what REALLY matters!
ReplyDelete(and Orly is SOOOO cute!)
Hm. There seems to be some confusion over the way the ratings system worked. As I stated in the write-up, higher scores are always better, regardless of the category being positive or negative. So in Mom B.'s review, since she gave the lack-of-steady-cam category a weighting of -50, with a score of ten, that would imply that it is really important that a movie not be shaky and it wasn't. Likewise, in the Pirates movie, a 10 score on the -5-weighted Ninja category implies there are none, which is good because you aren't supposed to have Ninja in a pirate movie.
ReplyDeleteConcerning the Simpson's Movie review, it is as intended. A negative score is always worse, even if the category is also negative. Had it been positively scored, the final score would have been 8.86. The code takes this into account.
Regarding Pirates, according to trusted informants, that referenced scene was in the script, but did not make the final cut in the movie. I did not make it up.
Mrs. Pickles: I agree! You go to see a pirate movie for three reasons. 1) Pirates, 2) Boats, 3) Swords.
Well, I think I understand your system as you've explained it, but it still doesn't make sense. (..., if that makes sense.)
ReplyDeleteWhere I work a weighted average means that in the numerator you have:
SUM(weight*score)
So the Bart Simpson scene turns out to be an addition to the overall score, not the substraction you stated. But I have an MS, which is just more BS, so I may very well misunderstand again.
As for Pirates:
1.) Incomprehensible as previous films--YES
2.) Pirates, swords, boats--YES (grand spectacle and cool to watch)
3.) I could care less whether or not some characters lived or died--YES
And it's the #3 that makes me feel like my wallet was plundered. From what I read, even the director said (before releasing film 2) that the third film was a mess.
Again, I'll reserve final judgement until a second viewing. Maybe I just had indigestion during my first viewing. I'm glad that the Mrs. enjoyed it, as that at least guarantees we will see it again.
Live Free or Die Hard Review:
ReplyDeleteBad guy with style (5): 2
Interesting reluctant sidekick (3): 5
Explosions (5): 10
Needless reuse and shoehorning of characters from past movies (-5): 10
Good choice of movie theme (3): 7
Bruce Willis progressively getting the crap kicked out of him (5): 10
Improbbable means of killing bad guys (-1): -5
Mushy girly crap (-5): 10
Hot asian ninja girl (5): 10
Hot asian ninja girl getting her butt kicked by a non-ninja punch to the face (5): 10
More explosions (5): 10
All in all, awesome. Not as good as Die Hard, maybe tied with Die Hard 3, but by far better than Die Hard 2.
Joe, thanks for the explanation of your rating system. Now I almost understand it.
ReplyDeleteShaky cam factor in Bourne Ultimatum: really annoying, but not enough to outweigh all other considerations.
Overall rating: maybe an 8.5. Would've been 9.5 without the shaky cam.
Mr. P., if that doesn't add up, you have to figure in the Fudge Factor, which every mathematician knows means that the rating adds up to whatever I want it to.
BTW, Prince Caspian comes out in May 2008 and it has Warwick Davis AND Peter Dinklage. Plus all the kids from LWW.
Plus, did you know that C.S. Lewis' actual wardrobe is at Westmont College, where Emily went to school? I wonder if she ever saw it.
Joe, you forgot 4)Pirate wenches.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Pickles said
ReplyDelete<<(and Orly is SOOOO cute!)>>
O RLY?
Mr. Pickles - we do use the usual formula for a weighted average, but we reverse the sign for scores in a category with a negative weight. This allows us to use a consistent "positive scores are good, negative bad" approach, and it still comes out right. Categories with a negative weight could be renamed "Lack of ..." and have a positive weight, and it would mean the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI was elected to LEAD, not to READ. Your blog comments use to many WORDS!
ReplyDelete