Summer Movie Preemptive Roundup.
I've done Summer Movie Recaps in the past. This year, I thought I'd also do a forecast using the Reviewinator to determine which movies are worth seeing. I know it's a little late, since the summer movie season started over a week ago, but that's how I roll. Deal.

May 2nd

Iron Man
Cool Superhero (weight 5): 10
Cool Costume (weight 3): 10
Cool Special Effects/Explosions (weight 5): 10
Interesting source material (weight 4): 6
Trailer: Double Wide (weight 3): 7
Adjustment factor for ratio of bad to good superhero movies (weight 2): 5
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Overall rating: 8.41
Having seen this movie already, I can already tell you GO SEE IT! It wasn't one I was particularly interested in, having no familiarity with the source material, but when every single geek on teh interwebs started proclaiming it as teh best comic book movie evar, I had to check it out.

See it? Yes


May 9th

Speed Racer
Good directors! Haha! (weight 5): 5
Style! Haha! (weight 3): 9
Cool special effects! Haha! (weight 5): 9
Trailer: Single Wide! Haha! (weight 3): 5
Fact that it is based on cheesy anime! Haha! (weight -3): 7
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Overall rating! Haha!: 4.79
This one gets a big fat "Meh". The Wachowski's are... I dunno. The Matrix was good, and I think that I'm the only person on the planet that liked its two sequels. V for Vendetta was a heavy-handed, agenda-ridden piece of fecal matter—the debating equivalent of making your point by hitting your opponent over the head with a mallet with your thesis written on it—whose protagonist was a terrorist.

See it? No


May 16th

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Good source material (weight 5): 10
Sequel adjustment factor* (weight 4): 9
Take that, Philip Pullman (weight 5): 10
Fact that they need to make enough money on these to at least get to A Horse and his Boy, which was my favorite of the series, and I'm still bitter that the BBC productions stopped with The Silver Chair (weight 5): 10
Come on, it's frakking Chronicles of Narnia! I still have to convince you to see it? (weight 5): 10
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Overall rating: 9.83
*This is a complicated factor taking into account the quality of the previous movies in the franchise, whether or not it's the same writers/director as previous installments, and the likelihood that they're just cashing in.

Prince Caspian is the one Narnia book that I never read. I got bored of it before I could get through it, and the BBC production, while good, was IMO the weakest of the four. The trailer makes it look like it's going to be very exciting though.

See it? Yes


May 22nd

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Dum dada dum. Dum dadadada dum (weight 4): 10
George Lucas Presents (weight 5): 10
A Steven Spielberg Film (weight 5): 10
Starring Harrison Ford (weight 5): 10
Two words: INDIANA JONES (weight 5): 11
Yeah yeah, Shia LaBeouf, Marian Ravenwood, Cate Blanchett etc. etc. (weight 1): 10
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Overall rating: 10.20
I know I'm supposed to be extremely excited about this one, or so the reviewinator tells me, but there's some small part of me that is very hesitant about this and I'm not sure why. Despite the fact that I love all the Star Wars movies and despite the fact that I haven't seen a Spielberg film I didn't like (yes, that includes 1941 and Munich), I'm still approaching Indy 4 with reservations. I don't know why. I think it's because I don't think it can be better than Last Crusade, my favorite of the bunch, which I think was a perfectly good ending to the trilogy. I guess I really don't see the need to make another one so many years later to tack on the end of a series which is already very good. Plus, I don't want to listen to the hordes of internet fanboys screaming about how George Lucas has ruined their childhood again, which you know is going to happen, no matter how good the movie is.

See it? Hell, yes.


May 30th

Sex and the City: The Movie
Sarah Jessica Parker (weight -5): 10
Kim Cattrall (weight -5): 10
Kristin Davis (weight -5): 10
Cynthia Nixon (weight -5): 10
Oh yeah, it's Sex and the City (weight -5): 10
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Overall rating: -10.00
I think Darth Vader sums it up best.
Whale Biologist Tom Adams has mentioned the chorus of "Yes's", sung to the climax of the 1812 overture in response to a leather-clad Natalie Portman asking us if we could live a lie. What would be the best music to sing a chorus of "No's" to? The Dies Irae from Verdi's Requiem?

See it? Only if you are out of your ever-loving mind.


June 6th

You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Adam Sandler. 'Nuff said (weight -3): 0
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Overall rating: 0.00
Ok, the guys been in exactly one good movie: The Wedding Singer. He, along with Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Will Ferrel, need to crawl into a cave and die.

See it? Only if you want to lower your IQ by about 20 points.


June 13th

The Happening
M. Night Shyamalan. 'Nuff said. (weight 5): 9
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Overall rating: 9.00
I am an M. Night fanboy (meaning: I liked The Village and Lady in the Water). Slap his name on a movie and I'll be there like... something that is strongly attracted to something else.

See it? Yes

The Incredible Hulk
Superhero (weight 5): 8
Interesting source material (weight 4): 6
Comic book adjustment factor (weight 2): 5
Franchise adjustment factor (weight 4): 5
Marvel adjustment factor (weight 2): 9
Trailer: Double Wide (weight 3): 7
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Overall rating: 6.65
It's your call on this one. There isn't much going for it. But one thing that's important to note is that Marvel, tired of getting screwed with crappy comic book movies, like X3 and the first Fantastic 4 movie, has set up their own movie studio so they can do them right. The studio's first production was Iron Man, which was very good. The Incredible Hulk is next, so who knows?

See it? Yes, matinee


June 20th

Get Smart
Source material (weight 5): 7
Cast (weight 4): 8
Trailer: Single Wide, with a porch (weight 3): 6
Recent-trend-of-turning-old-TV-shows-into-movies adjustment factor (weight 2): 3
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Overall rating: 6.50
This is also sort of a "meh". None of the recent TV-show-to-movies have been any good, but this one looks more promising. Steve Carell is funny, Anne Hathaway is pretty, I'll probably see it at some point, on DVD if nothing else.

See it? Maybe matinee


June 27th

Wall-E
Pixar (weight 5): 10
Cute Robot (weight 5): 10
Pixar (weight 5): 10
Trailer: Triple Wide, with a porch (weight 5): 10
Did I mention the fact that it's Pixar (weight 5): 10
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Overall rating: 10.00
Come one here, people. Just the fact that "Pixar" is stamped at the beginning should make you want to see it, regardless of what it is about. They shouldn't even need to show a trailer, or provide any movie details whatsoever. All they should need to do is have a Dublin Generics-brand movie poster (bright yellow with big, black, block letters, for those of you not in the know) stating "PIXAR'S NEXT MOVIE: JUNE 27TH" and you should line up to see it.

That aside, the teaser trailer tells you next to nothing about the movie, and it still looks fantastic.

See it? For the love of all that is good and sweet in Oden's beard, YES


July 2nd

Hancock
Will Smith (weight 4): 9
Cool Superhero (weight 5): 9
Trailer: Double Wide, with a porch (weight 3): 8
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Overall rating: 8.75
Will Smith can brings the funnies. Will Smith can brings the cools. Will Smith can brings the actions. Will Smith can bring the dramas. In this case, it looks like he's going for three of the four.

See it? Yes


July 11th

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Big red guy. About 7 feet tall. Can't miss him. (weight 4): 9
Fish guy (weight 3): 7
Moderately hot girl. You know the kind that are only sort of hot, so they don't mess around with other guys. (weight 3): 7
Trailer: Double Wide (weight 3): 7
"Visionary" Director. He must be because it said so in the trailer! (weight 5): 9
Franchise adjustment factor (weight 4): 8
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Overall rating: 8.00
This must be a horrible, horrible year for people who don't like comic book movies.

See it? Yes

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D
The Other Indiana Jones in 3D! (weight 3): 8
Walden Media in 3D! (weight 3): 8
It's in 3D in 3D! (weight 2): 9
Trailer: Single wide, with a porch in 3D! (weight 4): 6
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Overall rating: 7.50
I object to this movie in that it teaches kids bad science about what's at the center of the Earth. Even still, it will probably be more realistic than The Core.

See it? Yes, matinee


July 18th

The Dark Knight
Cool Superhero (weight 5): 10
Cool Costume (weight 3): 10
Cool Source material (weight 4): 10
Cast (weight 4): 10
Trailer: Triple Wide, with a porch (weight 3): 10
Franchise Adjustment Factor (weight 4): 9
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Overall rating: 9.83
Ok, aside from Indiana Jones, Prince Caspian, Iron Man, and Wall-E, this is the movie of the summer. Batman Begins is my new gold standard for comic book movies. But as great as it was, its one, tiny, niggling little flaw was Katie "Dawson's Creek" Holmes. They got rid of her in this one.

See it? Batman is a ninja. You can only see him if he wants you to see him, and even then, only if you squint your eyes and turn your head sideways (in which case he looks like a bunny).


July 25th

The X-Files: I Want to Believe
The Truth is Out There (weight 5): 9
Franchise Adjustment Factor (weight 4): 8
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Overall rating: 8.56
I really didn't know how to Reviewinate this one. I haven't seen the first X-Files movie, and I didn't watch the show until the poorly-received final season. But I'll still probably see this one anyways.

See it? Yes, matinee


August 1st
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
The Other Indiana Jones (weight 3): 8
The Very Hot Rachel Weisz (weight 1): 0
Franchise Adjustment Factor (weight 4): 8
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Overall rating: 7.00
Did I mention Rachel Weisz isn't in it? Boo.

See it? Yes, matinee


August 8th

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
Remember the Star Trek VI soundtrack? Remember how cool it was? Remember how we had never heard of the guy who wrote the music? Well, he wrote the music for the first SotTP. But not this one. (weight 0): 0
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Overall rating: 0.0
Use this weekend to catch up on previous releases, if you've fallen behind.

See it? Erm, no


August 15th

Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Star War— wait, what? There's a new Star Wars movie? (weight 5): 12
CG— It's in CG? (weight 4): 10
Star Wars in CG— Just so I understand you, there's a new Star Wars movie coming out, and it's in CG, and I hadn't heard about it before now? (weight 5): 10
The fact that this is just the beginning of a brand-new Star Wars TV series that will be on cartoon network (weight 5): 10
Squee! *Dies* (weight 5): 10
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Overall rating: 10.42
I have no idea how this one snuck up on me. I only found out about it by accident when I happened to turn on the TV about an hour before the "world exclusive" trailer on Cartoon Network. I had heard about the CG series this year, followed by the live action series next year, but I had no idea they were leading it off with a CG movie.

See it? Are you insane? You have to ask?


August 22nd: The end of the season. You made it! Relax and stay at home for once.

And there you have it. The Summer Movie Season That Would Not Die. Assuming $11 for full-price, and $9 for matinee, which is what they're charging at the Spectrum, the communist extortionists, this summer will cost The Murloc and me $288 on movie tickets alone, not including concessions.


Other releases of note, later this year.

October 17th
Max Payne. They're making a movie out of my favorite under-rated video game franchise? Very nice. But can you get around to making Max Payne 3, please? Especially interesting is that Mila Kunis (voice of Meg Griffin on Family Guy) is playing the hot assassin babe Mona Sax. Interesting in that Mona is the complete opposite of Meg.

November 21st
Here, I'll hum the theme song and see if you can guess what it is: dum da da dum da dumm dumm / dum da da dumm dum dummm / dum dumm da da dumm dum dumm dum dumm da da dumm da da dumm dum dumm. Did you get it? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with Mary Water. This November the third to last movie in the franchise comes out, based on the second to last book. It's the third to last, after the exciting announcement that they'll be splitting the seventh book into two movies, not wanting to leave anything out.

Portal.

So it goes something like this. You have a gun. It shoots portals. Two, to be precise. A blue one and an orange one. They stick on walls. They connect to each other such that anything that goes in one emerges from the other. The game consists of solving puzzles by using portals to move yourself and objects to locations you could not otherwise get to. And it's a lot of fun.

And the game actually does have a somewhat interesting plot. In typical Valve fashion, you discover as you go, with nothing being explicitly stated, but instead discovered. You gather that you are a test subject at Aperture Laboratories science labs. There are no other people in the game. Instead, your only company (aside from the "companion cube") is the voice of a computer, which guides you through the tests. As the game goes on you gradually realize the computer is psychotic. Hilariously so. The computer tells you there are 19 tests you need to complete, and after you finish them, "you will be baked and there will be cake." The computer leads you on through the tests with the promise of cake when, after completing the 19th test, you are standing on a moving platform, slowly lowering into a vast pit of flames. The computer assures you that the Aperture Laboratories portal gun is resilient in temperatures up to 4000 kelvin, and kindly asks you to remain on the platform so you can receive your cake.

Of course, you mount your escape using the portal gun and eventually end up in the bowels of Aperture Laboratories, which upsets the computer greatly. It keeps, politely, asking you to come back to get your cake. It tells you to hurry. "Someone cut the cake. I told them not to, but there might not be any left." Eventually, it gets upset and tells you that you don't get any cake because you won't go back. Finally you wend your way through the depths and emerge at the central control room where the computer resides. While it is talking to you, a large spherical section of the computer falls of. It insists that the part that fell off wasn't important and you wouldn't be interested in it. Naturally, you destroy it. Then the computer tells you that it was the morality module that "they" installed to keep it from trying to kill them with a neurotoxin after the last time it tried to kill them all with a neurotoxin. The computer then begins a countdown to the release of the gas, and begins launching rockets at you. You use the portals to steer the rockets back at the computer, knocking off more modules and destroying them. As the modules are destroyed, the computer begins to lose functionality, saying things like "2+2=10. In base 4, I am functioning perfectly."

Once you destroy the computer, you are freed from the complex and the game is over. While the credits role, the computer sings the song Dave linked above.

Like all Valve games, the story is told entirely through the first person. There are no cutscenes or other interruptions. But unlike other Valve games, you can actually see your character (if you position the portals right, you can see yourself through them). You play a woman with frizzled hair. It seems to be a rule of Valve games that all the women have to have frizzled hair.

The game has a hilarious sense of humor. The computer itself is the source of most of the entertainment, but there are other funny touches as well, such as the "companion cube" which is a box with a heart on each face. Or the gun turrets which talk to you in sweetly soothing voices while smearing your intestines across the wall behind you.

Unfortunately, the game is woefully short. You can complete the main "campaign" in just a few hours. There are some advanced challenge maps that extend the gameplay a little, but not much.

In short, you should go buy it. Right now. You can get it as part of the Orange Box, which, according to IGN, is "the package which could legitimately be called 'the deal of the century'" and since IGN says it, it must be true. I will use the Reviewinator™ to put up scores for the entire Orange Box once I've gotten some time in with Team Fortress 2. Until then, enjoy the character introduction videos for TF2. (Heavy Weapons Guy, Soldier, Engineer, Demo Man.) Also hilarious (I particularly like the Engineer).

...what Dave said. My gmail notification popped up letting me know he had made his post just when I was about to push my "Publish Post" button. I would delete mine, but I put a whole fifteen minutes into it. Great minds, and all that.