How to Build a Better Marriage: For Husbands

Our staff of experts has personally tested each and every one of these recommendations to ensure it will have a lasting impact on your marriage.

1. St. Pauls says "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her." (Eph 5:25) And how much did Christ love his church? Enough to be crucified for her. That's right, husbands, you are supposed to die on the cross for your wife, every moment of your marriage. If you at any point don't feel like you're dying a brutal, slow, and horrific death on a cruel instrument of torture, that means you're not loving your wife enough.
2. Your primary responsibility in this life is to provide for all your wife's needs and wants. You must make sure all her material needs are taken care of before you even think about doing a single thing for yourself. And she really does need a big house and a nice car. Forcing her to make do with less is, like, psychological torture. I'm sure St. Paul would agree. If you have a hard time making enough money to provide for all your wife's expensive needs, remember that you can sell some body parts. Christ gave his body for his church, so why won't you?
3. If you can't provide for her material needs, then you're basically a failure as a husband. In fact, that's a good argument that your marriage wasn't valid in the first place.
4. You should frequently compare yourself to other couples you know. Do they seem happy? Well, the external appearance is a reflection of their interior life. If they seem happier than you, then it must be because they are, probably because the man is a much better husband than you. Ponder all the ways that he's better than you, and all the extra things he does for his wife that you don't. Their happiness is probably in large part because he must make more money than you, so can therefore provide for all his wife's needs better than you.
5. If your wife ever does something to hurt you in some way, don't correct her. Asking her to change would put a burden on her, for the sake of making your own life easier, which is totally selfish. In fact, she probably didn't do anything wrong to begin with. It was probably your subconscious mind playing tricks on you to make you think she did, to give you an excuse to make your own life easier at her expense, you selfish jerk.
6. Never burden your wife with your own problems. Christ carried his own cross, and so should you. Well, except for that time Simon of Cyrene helped him, so unless your married to him, you shouldn't ever ask for your wife's help if you're struggling with something. Again, that would be burdening your wife for your own benefit. Instead, just suffer in silence, and never let on that anything's wrong. Besides, if she really loves you, she'll figure out what's wrong and offer to help anyways.
7. Asking your wife to do anything she doesn't want to that would benefit you is, like, the most selfish thing in the universe. This goes doubly so for sex. If you ask your wife for sex, and she doesn't want to, then just asking has pressured her, because The Patriarchy™ has instilled into her an obligation to please you. And pressuring her is basically marital rape. So if you have the slightest reason to suspect that your wife might not be in the mood, asking her for sex is as bad as raping her.
8. In fact, if you don't have incontrovertible proof that she does want sex right this second, then you probably shouldn't bring up the topic. Only if she is climbing on top of you and pulling your pants off are you allowed to think about asking her for sex. But even then, that's an edge case, since she's probably been guilt-tripped into wanting to please you by The Patriarchy™.
9. She did all the hard work of carrying, giving birth to, and nursing the baby. That means it's your turn now. She shouldn't ever have to lift a finger for them. If she has to change a diaper, that's, like a mortal sin for you. If you were at work to provide for her material needs when she changes a diaper, then it's only a venial sin, although a better husband would find a job that allowed him to do both.
10. What quality do all saints have? They're happy! And what do happy people not do? They don't grumble or mutter, even interiorly. If you find yourself thinking grumbly thoughts, then that means you're not a saint.