Before I Kill You, Allow Me To Give You a Tour of My Secret Base and Explain My Entire Evil Plot in Detail.
By Xagnor, Arch-Villain
Oh, bravo, excellent attempt at capturing me, my old friend. But as you can see I was prepared. You walked right into my trap, and now you are caught in a cage that not even you can escape. Shortly, I will take you to the Death Chamber, prepared especially for you, and as you scream in agony, I shall look on, cackling at your painful demise. But before I kill you, please allow me to give you a tour of my secret base and explain my entire evil plot in detail. Please follow me.
Watch your step getting into the elevator. This place was built in a hurry and secret installations aren't cheap, so corners had to be cut. I'm sure this place wouldn't pass any safety code. Ah, here we are in my control room, where hundreds of my soul-less minions toil away at their control panels. None of the buttons do anything of course, except these three, which have fingerprint detectors installed and can only by operated by my hand. This button will hack the stock market's computer system and cause the stock for MegaCorp. to soar.
You see, it was I who caused the MegaCorp. stock scandal because I knew it would distract you by thinking I had ties to that useless company. And while you were busy infiltrating them, I used this second button to plant fake evidence of illegal activities into their computer systems, so you would have no choice but to arrest their CEO. It was a shame he tried to escape and you had to kill him. I would have liked to kill my former partner in crime myself. Yes, it was he and I who were behind the plot to steal all the wine from France and dump it into the water tower in Wyville, Wisconsin, and from their it would have spread to all the world, had you not stopped us. With everyone drunk from French wine, we were going to take over the world, in the ensuing chaos. You see you have already ruined one of my plots. I won't let it happen again. After that failed plot, my former partner blamed me for your interference and left to create MegaCorp. From then on he blocked my every attempt at world domination. But with your help, he has now been eliminated and no longer poses a threat.
This third button, you ask? Oh that's just the self-destruct button. I'm not sure why it's there, really. The contractor said it was part of some super-villain-secret-base regulation or something. Oh well, only my hand can activate it and that isn't going to happen.
So where was I? Oh yes, with my former partner gone, and you sufficiently side-tracked, I was then free to send out my fleet of flying saucers to steal the world's supply of sheep. I knew that once the flying saucers were involved, the Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Invasions would take over the case and you would just be their puppet in their dead-end investigations. With you unable to really look into the issue you would never be able to connect the missing sheep with the raids at the Arm and Hammer baking soda factory and the Wesson Vinegar factory.
These here? Oh this is my desctructo-ray, this is my highly-explosive thermo-nuclear Krelvin device, and this is the coffee machine. Care for some? Maybe some tea? Earl Grey? Just one moment. Here you are. Enjoy.
So on with the tour. Now that I have all the sheep in the world and a lifetime supply of baking soda and vinegar, I shall create an army of exploding sheep which I shall unleash upon the world! None shall escape their wrath!
And on your right is the troop barracks, next to the armory. If you will look to your left, you will see the hangar and vehicle bay. And coming up here is one of my favorite attractions: my luxury bathroom, complete with gold plated toilet seat. Oh yes, go right on in. I know tea will do that to you.
Out so soon? You should have taken your time, because the next stop is YOUR DOOM! Muwahahahaha! And now, my friend, please step in to the Death Chamber and prepare to die a most painful death! I shall be watching from my luxury box seats. But before we seal you in, I must say, goodbye my friend, and would you care for a complementary T-shirt? It has the official "Xagnor's Secret Base" logo on the front and the catchy phrase "I was brutally killed in the Death Chamber and all I got was this stupid T-shirt". Yes, I thought it was quite funny too. Now guards! Seal him in!
Ah, yes I shall watch with utmost glee at your bloody slaughter. And now, I shall throw the switch, activating the Death Grinders!
What's that? He's used the complementary T-shirt to jam the gears of the grinder! And now he's using the staple from the tea bag to pick the lock of the chamber! He can't do that! Guards stop him! No, you fools, shoot him! He's coming this way! ARGH! You cut off my hand! With my own gold-plated Gilette Mach-3 razor. You must have stolen it from my bathroom! What are you doing with my severed hand? No don't push that button! You've activated the self-destruct mechanism! You fool! Nooooooo!
Friday, January 30, 2004
Monday, December 22, 2003
Return of the King "Big Disappointment"
Lower-left corner not as interesting as those of previous "Rings" movies, critics say
Aaron Hardman, Lord of the Rings fan and critic proclaimed that the lower-left corner of Return of the King "couldn't hold a candle" to the corners of the previous two movies, Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. Hardman, who decided to concentrate on watching just the corners of the films after seeing Fellowship for the 37th time, says he was greatly disappointed by the lower-left corner of King, especially after all the positive reviews the movie received, but he still has high hopes for the upper-right corner, which he will watch the next time he sees the film "in about five minutes."
Lower-left corner not as interesting as those of previous "Rings" movies, critics say
Aaron Hardman, Lord of the Rings fan and critic proclaimed that the lower-left corner of Return of the King "couldn't hold a candle" to the corners of the previous two movies, Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers. Hardman, who decided to concentrate on watching just the corners of the films after seeing Fellowship for the 37th time, says he was greatly disappointed by the lower-left corner of King, especially after all the positive reviews the movie received, but he still has high hopes for the upper-right corner, which he will watch the next time he sees the film "in about five minutes."
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Ask Mary Waterson from Debt Corp.
DEAR MARY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral. I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO
DEAR HURTING: Having trouble paying off those loans? If your debts qualify for our program, we can settle your debts with your creditors in three years or less. We negotiate with your creditors on your behalf and will settle your debts for 40 cents on the dollar. Our fee is a flat 15%. That means if you owe $50,000, you'll only have to pay $27,500!
DEAR MARY: My brother and I are entrepreneurs and recently decided to go into business together. The problem is coming up with a name for our company. We've decided to use our last names, like "Hewlitt-Packard" but can't decide whose to put first. My brother thinks that his name should be first, because most of the ideas we're going to be marketing are his. I think my name should be first since I'm providing the start-up capital and will be managing the business aspect. Please help us settle on a company name before it breaks up our company and relationship. -- LAST NAME FIRST IN AZ.
DEAR LAME: Our company is called Debt Corp. That's Debt Corp. No, not "Death Corpse", it's DEBT CORP. D-E-B-T C-O-R-P. That's quite alright.
We're not a debt consolidation company. We're a debt settlement company. Beware of those debt consolidation companies. They claim to be non-profit, but in reality, they work for the creditors and are actually being sued by the Attorney General of Missouri. We work for you. If you go into debt consolidation, it will show up on your credit report as an R7, which means your debt was paid by a third party. An R8 is "filed for bankruptcy", so this is one step beneath that. It will ruin your credit. I knew one person who went through consolidation and ten years later, they still couldn't buy a car because of that R7.
Debt settlement doesn't show up on your credit report at all. That's part of our settlement. When you finish the program, it will say on your credit report "debt paid in full". It wouldn't be any different if you won the lottery and paid it all off tomorrow.
DEAR MARY: I live with my boyfriend "Jack" and our two-year-old daughter "Jill". Jack has a high-paying job and is financially well-off, so it gives me the opportunity to stay at home with Jill instead of working. Well Jack has decided he's tired of paying for me and the baby and wants to spend more money on himself. He says I have three days to get a job that will earn enough to pay my own way because he's going to stop paying our expenses. The problem is I never graduated college and I doubt I could get a job that pays that much ever, let alone in three days. I have a little bit of money in my savings account from when I used to work, but it won't last me more than 30 days. I very much love Jack and couldn't live without him, but he tends to have these selfish streaks that make it nearly impossible to live with him. What should I do? -- HONEY WON'T GIVE MONEY IN TALLAHASEE
DEAR FUNNY: Within three days of signing up for our program, we send a "Cease and Desist" letter to all your creditors. This basically tells them that you're a Debt Corp. client and that we'll be working with them on your behalf. If your creditors call you and try to get you to pay, just tell them that you're a Debt Corp. client and to have a nice day, then hang up the phone. If they continue to harass you, get the name and badge number of whoever calls you, then call us and tell us. We'll handle it.
After 30 days of being on the program, they can't call you anymore and will stop harassing you. If they do, tell us and we'll negotiate your debt at about 10 cents on the dollar.
DEAR MARY: I want to get this on the table right now. I hate telemarketers. They call me all the time, especially during dinner or while I'm watching the climax of a TV show. I'm never interested in what they have to sell, and wouldn't buy from them even if I was. Once I got a telemarketing call on my cell-phone (which isn't free, since the call uses up my minutes). When I answered it, it was just a recording, so I hung up. My phone rang again and I let the voice-mail get it. When I listened to the message, it was that same darned recording, but it started from where it was when I hung up on it! As if they couldn't figure out I wasn't interested the first time I hung up!
At my work, the situation isn't much better. My office is next to a group of telemarketers who are calling people all day. They always use the same sales pitch, so I've heard it so much I've memorized it and am beginning to dream about it. I feel like I could work for them. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a fit of rage and go postal on them. What can I do to stop telemarketers from calling me, or better yet, what's the best way to kill a telemarketer? -- DEATH TO TELEMARKETERS IN CA
DEAR JOE: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't talk right now? Well when would be a better time. We can schedule an appointment for a time more convenient for you. Where are you? Oh, well I'm right next door! So 5:00 is good for you? Great.
Ok, thank you. You too. Goodbye.
DEAR MARY: I have a son who is 33. He has four children and lives in another state. About a year ago, he asked me to co-sign on a house loan. I refused. Now he won't speak to me. He didn't even attend his grandmother's funeral. I don't know how to bridge this gap between us except by signing the note. I really can't afford it, but I miss my son and grandchildren. -- HURTING IN OHIO
DEAR HURTING: Having trouble paying off those loans? If your debts qualify for our program, we can settle your debts with your creditors in three years or less. We negotiate with your creditors on your behalf and will settle your debts for 40 cents on the dollar. Our fee is a flat 15%. That means if you owe $50,000, you'll only have to pay $27,500!
DEAR MARY: My brother and I are entrepreneurs and recently decided to go into business together. The problem is coming up with a name for our company. We've decided to use our last names, like "Hewlitt-Packard" but can't decide whose to put first. My brother thinks that his name should be first, because most of the ideas we're going to be marketing are his. I think my name should be first since I'm providing the start-up capital and will be managing the business aspect. Please help us settle on a company name before it breaks up our company and relationship. -- LAST NAME FIRST IN AZ.
DEAR LAME: Our company is called Debt Corp. That's Debt Corp. No, not "Death Corpse", it's DEBT CORP. D-E-B-T C-O-R-P. That's quite alright.
We're not a debt consolidation company. We're a debt settlement company. Beware of those debt consolidation companies. They claim to be non-profit, but in reality, they work for the creditors and are actually being sued by the Attorney General of Missouri. We work for you. If you go into debt consolidation, it will show up on your credit report as an R7, which means your debt was paid by a third party. An R8 is "filed for bankruptcy", so this is one step beneath that. It will ruin your credit. I knew one person who went through consolidation and ten years later, they still couldn't buy a car because of that R7.
Debt settlement doesn't show up on your credit report at all. That's part of our settlement. When you finish the program, it will say on your credit report "debt paid in full". It wouldn't be any different if you won the lottery and paid it all off tomorrow.
DEAR MARY: I live with my boyfriend "Jack" and our two-year-old daughter "Jill". Jack has a high-paying job and is financially well-off, so it gives me the opportunity to stay at home with Jill instead of working. Well Jack has decided he's tired of paying for me and the baby and wants to spend more money on himself. He says I have three days to get a job that will earn enough to pay my own way because he's going to stop paying our expenses. The problem is I never graduated college and I doubt I could get a job that pays that much ever, let alone in three days. I have a little bit of money in my savings account from when I used to work, but it won't last me more than 30 days. I very much love Jack and couldn't live without him, but he tends to have these selfish streaks that make it nearly impossible to live with him. What should I do? -- HONEY WON'T GIVE MONEY IN TALLAHASEE
DEAR FUNNY: Within three days of signing up for our program, we send a "Cease and Desist" letter to all your creditors. This basically tells them that you're a Debt Corp. client and that we'll be working with them on your behalf. If your creditors call you and try to get you to pay, just tell them that you're a Debt Corp. client and to have a nice day, then hang up the phone. If they continue to harass you, get the name and badge number of whoever calls you, then call us and tell us. We'll handle it.
After 30 days of being on the program, they can't call you anymore and will stop harassing you. If they do, tell us and we'll negotiate your debt at about 10 cents on the dollar.
DEAR MARY: I want to get this on the table right now. I hate telemarketers. They call me all the time, especially during dinner or while I'm watching the climax of a TV show. I'm never interested in what they have to sell, and wouldn't buy from them even if I was. Once I got a telemarketing call on my cell-phone (which isn't free, since the call uses up my minutes). When I answered it, it was just a recording, so I hung up. My phone rang again and I let the voice-mail get it. When I listened to the message, it was that same darned recording, but it started from where it was when I hung up on it! As if they couldn't figure out I wasn't interested the first time I hung up!
At my work, the situation isn't much better. My office is next to a group of telemarketers who are calling people all day. They always use the same sales pitch, so I've heard it so much I've memorized it and am beginning to dream about it. I feel like I could work for them. I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to explode in a fit of rage and go postal on them. What can I do to stop telemarketers from calling me, or better yet, what's the best way to kill a telemarketer? -- DEATH TO TELEMARKETERS IN CA
DEAR JOE: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't talk right now? Well when would be a better time. We can schedule an appointment for a time more convenient for you. Where are you? Oh, well I'm right next door! So 5:00 is good for you? Great.
Ok, thank you. You too. Goodbye.
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
Return of the King will Cure Cancer, Experts Say
Poverty, Hunger, among other afflictions eradicated by new movie
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - Thousands of poor and diseased people are lining up at theaters around the world awaiting the release of Return of the King, the final chapter of Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, after early reports about the movie's ability to heal afflictions of almost every kind.
"This movie will be the best thing to happen to planet earth," declared Dr. Russell Leatherwood, a professor of the Royal Organization of Health And Nature, who was fortunate enough to see a special preview screening of the movie as part of his institute's study. His colleague, Kevin Hedges, responded, "are you kidding? It will be even better than that!"
After a few preview screenings of the movie during the past month, rumors started floating around that the movie could cure diseases. One story surfaced of a man who was suffering from leukemia before he saw the movie at a screening for the Director's Guild of America. When he came out, he had been cured of the disease. Another report tells of a woman who had a broken leg going in to a preview screening. Upon coming out of the theater, she tore off her cast and danced with joy. When the rumors started to spread, a number of scientific and medical institutes began formal studies of the movie.
According to Dr. Bobby Mazza of the Southern Hemisphere Institute for REmedies, the healing properties of Return of the King go beyond major afflictions and beyond those who have seen the movie. He gave the example of a man whose grandmother was in the hospital, dying of pneumonia when he went in to see the movie. "When he came out of the theater, he received a phone call that his grandmother was fine and on her way home." The man's sister did not even see the movie because she was with her grandmother in the hospital. She knew the moment the movie was over, though, because her acne miraculously cleared up.
The benefits of the movie seem to go beyond even health and disease. Dr. Peter Mendiola of the Edinburg Laboratory of Volunteer English Scientists tells of a participant of their study. "Two days before he saw the movie, his landlord gave him notice of eviction because he couldn't pay the rent. When he got home from the theater, he turned on the television and found he had just won the lottery." Dr. Joseph Cofer, also assigned to the same study, tells that "after my patient walked out of the screening, his ex-girlfriend, who had just dumped him a week previously, called to tell him she wanted to marry him."
The beneficial properties of Lord of the Rings have been known for quite some time. "After I saw Fellowship of the Ring, I lost 30 lbs. and my husband's hair grew back," says Renee Ridge, a previous study patient of the Northern Utah Medicine, Environment, and Nature, ORganization. Still, others tell of things that happened before the movies even came out. "When I finished reading the books about 20 years ago," tells another study patient, Benjamin Cambell, "I was promoted to general manager of the company I worked at. I figure after I see Return of the King, I'll own the place."
Still, some are skeptical of the amazing results of Return of the King. Dr. Douglas Elizondo, a noted scientist of the Organization for Remedies and Cures stated "this is just the placebo effect in action. These people want Return to be the greatest movie ever, so of course in their minds it is. The 'great things' that are happening to them are clearly just mental illusions."
"He must be a Harry Potter fan," replied Cambell.
Poverty, Hunger, among other afflictions eradicated by new movie
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - Thousands of poor and diseased people are lining up at theaters around the world awaiting the release of Return of the King, the final chapter of Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, after early reports about the movie's ability to heal afflictions of almost every kind.
"This movie will be the best thing to happen to planet earth," declared Dr. Russell Leatherwood, a professor of the Royal Organization of Health And Nature, who was fortunate enough to see a special preview screening of the movie as part of his institute's study. His colleague, Kevin Hedges, responded, "are you kidding? It will be even better than that!"
After a few preview screenings of the movie during the past month, rumors started floating around that the movie could cure diseases. One story surfaced of a man who was suffering from leukemia before he saw the movie at a screening for the Director's Guild of America. When he came out, he had been cured of the disease. Another report tells of a woman who had a broken leg going in to a preview screening. Upon coming out of the theater, she tore off her cast and danced with joy. When the rumors started to spread, a number of scientific and medical institutes began formal studies of the movie.
According to Dr. Bobby Mazza of the Southern Hemisphere Institute for REmedies, the healing properties of Return of the King go beyond major afflictions and beyond those who have seen the movie. He gave the example of a man whose grandmother was in the hospital, dying of pneumonia when he went in to see the movie. "When he came out of the theater, he received a phone call that his grandmother was fine and on her way home." The man's sister did not even see the movie because she was with her grandmother in the hospital. She knew the moment the movie was over, though, because her acne miraculously cleared up.
The benefits of the movie seem to go beyond even health and disease. Dr. Peter Mendiola of the Edinburg Laboratory of Volunteer English Scientists tells of a participant of their study. "Two days before he saw the movie, his landlord gave him notice of eviction because he couldn't pay the rent. When he got home from the theater, he turned on the television and found he had just won the lottery." Dr. Joseph Cofer, also assigned to the same study, tells that "after my patient walked out of the screening, his ex-girlfriend, who had just dumped him a week previously, called to tell him she wanted to marry him."
The beneficial properties of Lord of the Rings have been known for quite some time. "After I saw Fellowship of the Ring, I lost 30 lbs. and my husband's hair grew back," says Renee Ridge, a previous study patient of the Northern Utah Medicine, Environment, and Nature, ORganization. Still, others tell of things that happened before the movies even came out. "When I finished reading the books about 20 years ago," tells another study patient, Benjamin Cambell, "I was promoted to general manager of the company I worked at. I figure after I see Return of the King, I'll own the place."
Still, some are skeptical of the amazing results of Return of the King. Dr. Douglas Elizondo, a noted scientist of the Organization for Remedies and Cures stated "this is just the placebo effect in action. These people want Return to be the greatest movie ever, so of course in their minds it is. The 'great things' that are happening to them are clearly just mental illusions."
"He must be a Harry Potter fan," replied Cambell.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Point/Counter-Point
Point: I Love This Game!
By Fred Hicks, video game player
Hey, have I shown you this new game I got? It's called "Max Payne", and it totally rocks. This is the main character here. Basically you run around and shoot things, like a lot of other games, but this game has a few Matrix-inspired twists. Watch me take out this room full of bad guys....
See, Max has this sort of "heightened awareness" so time slows down for him when he's in the thick of the action. He can still aim normally, so he's super accurate, and he can also see the bullets wizzing by his head. Here's his coolest move: you can dive sideways while shooting. It really helps you avoid the bad guys' gun fire. Isn't that awesome?
Oh, shoot, I didn't see that guy behind me. Yeah, it shows Max in slow motion whenever he's killed. But that's no problem I can just reload my last saved game. I really don't mind dying a lot. It just gives me a chance to play these awesome fights over.
What weapons do I get? Oh, the usual bunch, pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, grenades. Oh, and this baseball bat. I got it from some gangster who was beating Max with it. That's why it's red. It's stained from Max's blood. You also have the lead pipe, which is basically like the crowbar from Half-Life. You can use it to break boxes, which sometimes have goodies in them. Oh shoot, I totally did not see him coming.
Oh, this is a cutscene. They're presented in this sort of "graphic novel" style. Yeah, this games got a lot of plot, so these breaks are pretty frequent. Sometimes I skip 'em so I can get back in the action faster.
Oh, yeah, back to the weapons. One cool thing is you can equip two pistols at the same time, sort of like the Matrix. Watch me gun down this guy with the Ingrams. Man those guns fire fast. That was almost 100 bullets right there. Yeah, I did get a little hurt in that fight. No problem, that's why we've got painkillers. It's like the health kits in other games, but you can take them with you and use them whenever you want. Pretty convenient, actually.
Oh, shoot! Did you see that helicopter? That's awesome! Aw, I'm trapped in this elevator. I wonder if I can shoot it down? Doesn't look like it. Oh, there's another elevator down there I can jump to. Oh, crap I totally blew that jump. No problem, it'll give me another chance to take down the helicopter. Lemme try my Grenade Launcher this time. Oh man! I didn't see that the window was still standing. Yeah, you don't want to set off a grenade too close to you, but that does give you chance to admire the game's awesome explosions. Anyways, I could chat about this game for hours, but I wanna get back to playing. Talking distracts me.
Counter-Point: I Hate This Game.
By Max Payne, video game character
My name is Max Payne. I had a beautiful wife, a wonderful baby girl, and a house in Jersey. It all went downhill from there. Not like I didn't see it coming, though. My name, after all, is "Max Payne", and in a video game, that's never a good thing. Junkies tripped up on a designer drug called "Valkyr" broke into my house and killed my wife and daughter. But things didn't get really bad until my every move was put into the hands of this clown at the other end of the controller.
When you're staring down the barrel of a gun, time slows down. Not like this fan-boy would be helped out by that fact. Time probably slows down for him whenever he eats another bacon cheeseburger. Probably his heart about to explode. Oh, yeah, sure genius, just make me dive sideways right into the concrete wall. Have you ever jumped head first into a wall. Well, I'll tell you: it hurts. Even in slow motion.
Hey, look out fatso, there's a guy about to- *groan*. Yes, death hurts even in slow motion, too. What? Not here again? Didn't you quicksave since here you fat oaf? Man, now I've gotta kill these same guys all over again. What is this, the fifth time I've plugged him? Maybe he'll stay dead this time. And maybe pigs will learn to fly.
Lemme introduce you to a dear friend of mine who's very close to my heart. Just a little up and to the left, actually. This is my 9mm beretta- hey! What's with the baseball bat. *Groan* my head hurts everytime I have to look at it. I can still feel the welts from when Frankie "The Bat" Niagra renacted his favorite scenes from "Captain Baseballbat-boy" on my cranium. Oh, yeah, the lead pipe. That's a useful weapon. It'll be great for taking out this guy who's coming at me with a sawed-off shotgun. On second thought, how about a little Desert Eagle action? Hello? Crap.
Ah, the cutscenes. My only escape from this freak's supreme lack of talent. Figures he'd cut it short.
Finally, the Ingrams. When you absolutely have to kill every last mobster in the room. Accept no substitute. Yeah feel free to start firing. Any day now. He's not going to kill himself. Oh, why fire now? You're on a roll. Just a half-second more and you'd be loading the saved game again. Oh, yeah great. Painkillers. I hear other video game stars actually get health kits that actually heal their wounds. Not me. I just get doped up to the point where I can't feel the bullets lodged in my spleen anymore. Maybe if I take enough of them, I'll get an addiction, too. Gordon Freeman doesn't know how lucky he is.
Hey, buddy look out. That vulcan isn't go to make me any prettier. There's an elevator down- Oh, yeah, shoot at it with a Beretta. That'll work. Maybe if you tried jumping- no, dammit, not that far. Yeah, I've always loved bungee jumping down elevator shafts without a cord. *Groan*.
Not the helicopter again. Hey, buddy, look out for the bullet-proof glass wall. No, not the grenade-. *Groan*. "Awesome explosions?" I wouldn't call being caught in a 1200 degree flame "awesome".
Oh, yeah, like you were so much better when you weren't distracted. Why can't you just do me a favor and go back to playing Super Mario Sunshine?
Point: I Love This Game!
By Fred Hicks, video game player
Hey, have I shown you this new game I got? It's called "Max Payne", and it totally rocks. This is the main character here. Basically you run around and shoot things, like a lot of other games, but this game has a few Matrix-inspired twists. Watch me take out this room full of bad guys....
See, Max has this sort of "heightened awareness" so time slows down for him when he's in the thick of the action. He can still aim normally, so he's super accurate, and he can also see the bullets wizzing by his head. Here's his coolest move: you can dive sideways while shooting. It really helps you avoid the bad guys' gun fire. Isn't that awesome?
Oh, shoot, I didn't see that guy behind me. Yeah, it shows Max in slow motion whenever he's killed. But that's no problem I can just reload my last saved game. I really don't mind dying a lot. It just gives me a chance to play these awesome fights over.
What weapons do I get? Oh, the usual bunch, pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, grenades. Oh, and this baseball bat. I got it from some gangster who was beating Max with it. That's why it's red. It's stained from Max's blood. You also have the lead pipe, which is basically like the crowbar from Half-Life. You can use it to break boxes, which sometimes have goodies in them. Oh shoot, I totally did not see him coming.
Oh, this is a cutscene. They're presented in this sort of "graphic novel" style. Yeah, this games got a lot of plot, so these breaks are pretty frequent. Sometimes I skip 'em so I can get back in the action faster.
Oh, yeah, back to the weapons. One cool thing is you can equip two pistols at the same time, sort of like the Matrix. Watch me gun down this guy with the Ingrams. Man those guns fire fast. That was almost 100 bullets right there. Yeah, I did get a little hurt in that fight. No problem, that's why we've got painkillers. It's like the health kits in other games, but you can take them with you and use them whenever you want. Pretty convenient, actually.
Oh, shoot! Did you see that helicopter? That's awesome! Aw, I'm trapped in this elevator. I wonder if I can shoot it down? Doesn't look like it. Oh, there's another elevator down there I can jump to. Oh, crap I totally blew that jump. No problem, it'll give me another chance to take down the helicopter. Lemme try my Grenade Launcher this time. Oh man! I didn't see that the window was still standing. Yeah, you don't want to set off a grenade too close to you, but that does give you chance to admire the game's awesome explosions. Anyways, I could chat about this game for hours, but I wanna get back to playing. Talking distracts me.
Counter-Point: I Hate This Game.
By Max Payne, video game character
My name is Max Payne. I had a beautiful wife, a wonderful baby girl, and a house in Jersey. It all went downhill from there. Not like I didn't see it coming, though. My name, after all, is "Max Payne", and in a video game, that's never a good thing. Junkies tripped up on a designer drug called "Valkyr" broke into my house and killed my wife and daughter. But things didn't get really bad until my every move was put into the hands of this clown at the other end of the controller.
When you're staring down the barrel of a gun, time slows down. Not like this fan-boy would be helped out by that fact. Time probably slows down for him whenever he eats another bacon cheeseburger. Probably his heart about to explode. Oh, yeah, sure genius, just make me dive sideways right into the concrete wall. Have you ever jumped head first into a wall. Well, I'll tell you: it hurts. Even in slow motion.
Hey, look out fatso, there's a guy about to- *groan*. Yes, death hurts even in slow motion, too. What? Not here again? Didn't you quicksave since here you fat oaf? Man, now I've gotta kill these same guys all over again. What is this, the fifth time I've plugged him? Maybe he'll stay dead this time. And maybe pigs will learn to fly.
Lemme introduce you to a dear friend of mine who's very close to my heart. Just a little up and to the left, actually. This is my 9mm beretta- hey! What's with the baseball bat. *Groan* my head hurts everytime I have to look at it. I can still feel the welts from when Frankie "The Bat" Niagra renacted his favorite scenes from "Captain Baseballbat-boy" on my cranium. Oh, yeah, the lead pipe. That's a useful weapon. It'll be great for taking out this guy who's coming at me with a sawed-off shotgun. On second thought, how about a little Desert Eagle action? Hello? Crap.
Ah, the cutscenes. My only escape from this freak's supreme lack of talent. Figures he'd cut it short.
Finally, the Ingrams. When you absolutely have to kill every last mobster in the room. Accept no substitute. Yeah feel free to start firing. Any day now. He's not going to kill himself. Oh, why fire now? You're on a roll. Just a half-second more and you'd be loading the saved game again. Oh, yeah great. Painkillers. I hear other video game stars actually get health kits that actually heal their wounds. Not me. I just get doped up to the point where I can't feel the bullets lodged in my spleen anymore. Maybe if I take enough of them, I'll get an addiction, too. Gordon Freeman doesn't know how lucky he is.
Hey, buddy look out. That vulcan isn't go to make me any prettier. There's an elevator down- Oh, yeah, shoot at it with a Beretta. That'll work. Maybe if you tried jumping- no, dammit, not that far. Yeah, I've always loved bungee jumping down elevator shafts without a cord. *Groan*.
Not the helicopter again. Hey, buddy, look out for the bullet-proof glass wall. No, not the grenade-. *Groan*. "Awesome explosions?" I wouldn't call being caught in a 1200 degree flame "awesome".
Oh, yeah, like you were so much better when you weren't distracted. Why can't you just do me a favor and go back to playing Super Mario Sunshine?
Tolkien Totally Spoiled the Lord of the Rings Movies
By Carrie, Office Secretary
You know what I hate more than anything else? When someone spoils a great movie by telling me how it comes out. Like when "The Sixth Sense" came out a few years ago, I called one of my friends to ask if he'd like to see it with me and said "isn't that the one where Bruce Willis finds out he's been dead through the whole movie?" Needless to say, I was soooo mad at him and haven't talked to him since. So ever since then, I've been careful to avoid "spoilers" for movies. But the one movie I've found it almost impossible to keep from being ruined is The Lord of the Rings.
Now, it was bad enough when they released the novelization of Attack of the Clones almost 3 months before the movie. After that came out, you could hardly even get on the 'net without having some plot point spoiled. But with The Lord of the Rings, they've gone too far. Releasing the novel 50 years before the movie has made it just about impossible to avoid hearing all the important plot points. I mean, 3 months was bad enough, but 50 years? My grandmother has even read the books. And I can't tell off grandma when she says "everytime I see a spider, I remember Shelob, who almost killed Frodo. It must have given Sam such a scare when he thought Frodo was dead." Way to ruin the moment, Grandma.
Peter Jackson really dropped the ball on this one. Lucas at least tries to keep secrets secret. But it was like Jackson wasn't even trying. What was he thinking, giving the novelization rights out to this Tolkien fellow? Was he trying to ruin the movie? And don't get me started on that Two Towers trailer that showed Gandalf. It's as if he even thought that everyone already knew what happened.
When I talk about this to my friends, they never understand. They all just say "well, why don't you just read the books? That way you won't have to wait until the movie." To which I say, no thanks. I don't want to ruin my movie-going experience by reading a novelization first.
By Carrie, Office Secretary
You know what I hate more than anything else? When someone spoils a great movie by telling me how it comes out. Like when "The Sixth Sense" came out a few years ago, I called one of my friends to ask if he'd like to see it with me and said "isn't that the one where Bruce Willis finds out he's been dead through the whole movie?" Needless to say, I was soooo mad at him and haven't talked to him since. So ever since then, I've been careful to avoid "spoilers" for movies. But the one movie I've found it almost impossible to keep from being ruined is The Lord of the Rings.
Now, it was bad enough when they released the novelization of Attack of the Clones almost 3 months before the movie. After that came out, you could hardly even get on the 'net without having some plot point spoiled. But with The Lord of the Rings, they've gone too far. Releasing the novel 50 years before the movie has made it just about impossible to avoid hearing all the important plot points. I mean, 3 months was bad enough, but 50 years? My grandmother has even read the books. And I can't tell off grandma when she says "everytime I see a spider, I remember Shelob, who almost killed Frodo. It must have given Sam such a scare when he thought Frodo was dead." Way to ruin the moment, Grandma.
Peter Jackson really dropped the ball on this one. Lucas at least tries to keep secrets secret. But it was like Jackson wasn't even trying. What was he thinking, giving the novelization rights out to this Tolkien fellow? Was he trying to ruin the movie? And don't get me started on that Two Towers trailer that showed Gandalf. It's as if he even thought that everyone already knew what happened.
When I talk about this to my friends, they never understand. They all just say "well, why don't you just read the books? That way you won't have to wait until the movie." To which I say, no thanks. I don't want to ruin my movie-going experience by reading a novelization first.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
OSHA Office Model of Unsafe Workplace
WASHINGTON, D.C.
A local Occupational Safety and Health Administration office was labeled "Gross Violator" of OSHA standards for workplace safety, Tuesday.
Among the violations included 250 lb. boxes of safety manuals on the top shelf of an otherwise empty aluminum-frame bookcase, 7 surge supressors daisy-chained together, each one full of high-voltage equipment, and a leaky pipe that dripped water into the server room.
When questioned about the violations, Facilities Manager Roger Cassady responded, "Well, when we first got that shipment of manuals, Gary [Urling], my assistant, was out on vacation, so I had to store them myself. I threw my back out lifting those boxes to the top of the shelf, so when it came time to take them down and ship them out, I couldn't get them down."
The Facilities Manager isn't the only one being blamed for the reprimand. Many of the hazard sightings were of employees not obeying posted safety rules. In one incident, an employee was using a screw driver to try and pry jammed paper strips out of the paper shredder. Eventually the screw driver became stuck itself, at which point he began using his hand. When he realized the shredder wasn't operating because the power strip it was plugged into had been turned off, he turned the shredder to reverse and turned the power on, with the screwdriver stuck inside.
In another incident, an employee was trying to fix a shorted light fixture in the ceiling of the server room. The room has been dubbed "the vault" by employees due to its abnormally high ceiling. The employee was standing on the second-to-top rung of a paint ladder, which had been set up in the puddle formed from the leaky pipe, and was using a power drill, with the cord of the drill hanging down in the puddle.
The OSHA office has the opportunity to try and fix the safety hazards within the next 6 weeks, or face fines of up to $50,000. When asked to comment on the inspection findings, Peter McCalab, office supervisor said, "this is all a bunch of nonsense. This office is as safe as any. If you inspected any average American workplace, you would find that they do the same, if not more dangerous, things every day."
When contacted for a follow up, F.U. News learned that McCalab was in the hospital, being treated for injuries he had sustained when he fell from his executive chair, upon which he was standing while trying to fix a jam in the ceiling fan in his office.
WASHINGTON, D.C.
A local Occupational Safety and Health Administration office was labeled "Gross Violator" of OSHA standards for workplace safety, Tuesday.
Among the violations included 250 lb. boxes of safety manuals on the top shelf of an otherwise empty aluminum-frame bookcase, 7 surge supressors daisy-chained together, each one full of high-voltage equipment, and a leaky pipe that dripped water into the server room.
When questioned about the violations, Facilities Manager Roger Cassady responded, "Well, when we first got that shipment of manuals, Gary [Urling], my assistant, was out on vacation, so I had to store them myself. I threw my back out lifting those boxes to the top of the shelf, so when it came time to take them down and ship them out, I couldn't get them down."
The Facilities Manager isn't the only one being blamed for the reprimand. Many of the hazard sightings were of employees not obeying posted safety rules. In one incident, an employee was using a screw driver to try and pry jammed paper strips out of the paper shredder. Eventually the screw driver became stuck itself, at which point he began using his hand. When he realized the shredder wasn't operating because the power strip it was plugged into had been turned off, he turned the shredder to reverse and turned the power on, with the screwdriver stuck inside.
In another incident, an employee was trying to fix a shorted light fixture in the ceiling of the server room. The room has been dubbed "the vault" by employees due to its abnormally high ceiling. The employee was standing on the second-to-top rung of a paint ladder, which had been set up in the puddle formed from the leaky pipe, and was using a power drill, with the cord of the drill hanging down in the puddle.
The OSHA office has the opportunity to try and fix the safety hazards within the next 6 weeks, or face fines of up to $50,000. When asked to comment on the inspection findings, Peter McCalab, office supervisor said, "this is all a bunch of nonsense. This office is as safe as any. If you inspected any average American workplace, you would find that they do the same, if not more dangerous, things every day."
When contacted for a follow up, F.U. News learned that McCalab was in the hospital, being treated for injuries he had sustained when he fell from his executive chair, upon which he was standing while trying to fix a jam in the ceiling fan in his office.
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