Why Strong Sad and I love Despair.com

I tend to be cynical and pessimistic. Most of you probably know this by now. There are a few reasons for this, one being that my hopes for the future are based on past experience, and another being that if I lower my expectations enough, I'm never disappointed.

As an example, one of my most desired items for my Birthday/Christmas was the Despair.com 2006 Wishes calendar. Of course, no one bought this for me, so I had to order it myself. Despair, Inc. is a company after my own heart. Upon completing the order, I was taken to this page. Shortly thereafter I received a confirmation e-mail which reads, in part:

"Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.

I'd like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.

Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d'etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions - that person being me.

While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that is our most recent Despair Catalog. Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably without peer in the Art of Demotivation®.

And speaking of "The Art of Demotivation", my management treatise of the same name is finally available for purchase, and in three unique editions (four if you count the... oops, I've said too much already).

While I could praise the book and by extension myself without end, I will instead, in the interest of at least some pretense of humility, simply note that no less a journalist than Lucy Kellaway of the peerless Financial Times of London wrote of the book, "The Art of Demotivation is the most daring, funny and subversive management book ever written".

In short, I'm the best.

For those eager to learn more about this landmark work, pay a visit to the delightful guided tour that is offered at our exclusive book website:

http://www.demotivation.com

Those ordering Chairman editions of the Art of Demotivation are reminded that each necessarily entails a slight shipping delay. Each one of these signed and numbered objets d'art is handbound upon the receipt of your order.

At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let us move on to yet another advertisement for our company.

Despair is ever consumed in the product development process. In fact, as we speak, the small cabal of dispirited creators have thrown themselves back into the further development of a new content series wholly unrelated to Demotivators(R), which are slated for release next year.

What this is, I can not yet say. I can allow however that members of our opt-in e-mail newsletter "The Wailing List(tm)" will receive not only a sneak-preview of this mysterious initiative when it nears release, but may also even be granted an opportunity to participate in an unprecedented way in the work itself. So join the list now- don't make us come get you.

http://www.despair.com/subscribe.html

If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our new Troubled Ticketing system.

http://www.despair.com/troubtic.html

We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions, without snickering.

It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.

Sincerely not really writing you this email,
E.L."


Then another e-mail followed:

"Again, thanks for your recent order from Despair, Inc.

If you have received this email, it means that your credit card information proved valid and that your order has been sent. You might assume now that we have your money that you're in for better treatment. You might also assume that if you try really hard, you will succeed. But your assumptions would, in both cases, be completely wrong. And that is why you REALLY need our products.

Regardless of those sad facts, we have some good news for you. The Demotivators(R) Greatest Hits Notecard Pack is currently available for purchase at a 20% discount through the end of December. That's almost a significant enough discount to constitute something slightly less than not quite highway robbery... Why not take the chance to prove to your friends, relatives and coworkers that you cared enough to send the very worst - or that you didn't care at all - by dropping them a card!

You'll be sorry you did, but nowhere near as sorry as they will be.

As always, if you have questions, please fill out a troubled ticket on the web at:

http://www.despair.com/troubtic.html

We'll do our best to solve the problem, since, you know, we already have your money.

Automatically yours,
E.L."


Today, the package arrived. A plain black envelope with a dismal grey frowny :-( ­®. Across the pull-tab was written "These products not tested on animals. But if you've got pets, and would like to do your part for scientific inquiry..." I wonder what Isis and Bastet will think of it. We all know they just love those cardboard pull-tabs.

The enclosed packing slip proudly displays a rubber-stamped seal of approval: "Inspected by: [then in childish scribbles] Billy Thompson, i am 6". They also give their phone number to call if you have problems with the order: 866-Woe-is-Me.

Inside the calendar, in addition to the demotivational pictures are demotivating facts for many days of the year, like Jan 22: "Trail Magazine apologizes for publishing a hiking route that would've sent hikers plummeting off the edge of Britain's largest mountain. (2004)" Or this: Jan 9, "Teenage pranksters hack into Burger King drive-through speaker in order to tell prospective customers, 'You are too fat to have a Whopper. Pull ahead.' (2004)"

I feel more depressed, and therefore content, every moment. Saddy Dumpington is my personal hero, and Despair, Inc. is my depressant of choice.