By Waylon Brendlinger, CEO American Greetings Corporation
We here at American Greetings Corporation™ take the health and happiness of this country very seriously. That's why, when we reviewed our profits from this past Valentine's Day, we were extremely disappointed to learn we had not made as much money as we wanted. Why is that a bad thing? Well, let me tell you.
If we don't make boat loads of money during the Valentine's Day season, or "The February Warmth and Goodwill Season," as we prefer to call it to show the proper respect for our multi-cultural brothers and sisters, that means that not enough people spent money on Valentine's Day merchandise. And do you know what happens when you don't spend a lot of money on Valentine's Day? That's right; you risk the health and happiness of your entire family.
Studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between Valentine's Day expenditure and health and happiness. In one recent study, it was demonstrated conclusively that the quality of Valentine's Day sex among couples was directly proportionate to the money spent. In general, men reported "quality time" with their significant others was more fulfilling as they spent more money.
Oh, but the correlation doesn't end there. Men who did not spend enough money on their others did not just have bad sex. They also had incurred negative health effects. For instance, in one study, several men who forgot Valentine's Day or did not spend a significant amount had their penises fall right off! You don't want to be like those guys, now do you? Do you?
No, of course not. That's why you need to spend lots of money on Valentine's Day. To help you out, we've compiled the survey results into an easy to read chart that shows the probable effects of various Valentine's Day expenditure categories. We hope this helps you determine how much you should spend come next Valentine's Day.
$0-$50: Death/Severe Emasculation
$51-$100: Impotence
$101-$500: Second base only
$501-$1000: Mediocre sex
$1000+: Best sex ever.
I hope this helps you understand the grave importance of Valentine's Day expenditures. Allow me to close with the following graph, which must be true because it was made in Excel.
I think that any rational person, after being confronted with this incontrovertible
evidence, would know to do the right thing.
