Showing posts with label Valentine's Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Valentine's Day. Show all posts
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A Public Service Announcement from American Greetings Corporation.
By Waylon Brendlinger, CEO American Greetings Corporation
We here at American Greetings Corporation™ take the health and happiness of this country very seriously. That's why, when we reviewed our profits from this past Valentine's Day, we were extremely disappointed to learn we had not made as much money as we wanted. Why is that a bad thing? Well, let me tell you.
If we don't make boat loads of money during the Valentine's Day season, or "The February Warmth and Goodwill Season," as we prefer to call it to show the proper respect for our multi-cultural brothers and sisters, that means that not enough people spent money on Valentine's Day merchandise. And do you know what happens when you don't spend a lot of money on Valentine's Day? That's right; you risk the health and happiness of your entire family.
Studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between Valentine's Day expenditure and health and happiness. In one recent study, it was demonstrated conclusively that the quality of Valentine's Day sex among couples was directly proportionate to the money spent. In general, men reported "quality time" with their significant others was more fulfilling as they spent more money.
Oh, but the correlation doesn't end there. Men who did not spend enough money on their others did not just have bad sex. They also had incurred negative health effects. For instance, in one study, several men who forgot Valentine's Day or did not spend a significant amount had their penises fall right off! You don't want to be like those guys, now do you? Do you?
No, of course not. That's why you need to spend lots of money on Valentine's Day. To help you out, we've compiled the survey results into an easy to read chart that shows the probable effects of various Valentine's Day expenditure categories. We hope this helps you determine how much you should spend come next Valentine's Day.
$0-$50: Death/Severe Emasculation
$51-$100: Impotence
$101-$500: Second base only
$501-$1000: Mediocre sex
$1000+: Best sex ever.
I hope this helps you understand the grave importance of Valentine's Day expenditures. Allow me to close with the following graph, which must be true because it was made in Excel.
I think that any rational person, after being confronted with this incontrovertible
evidence, would know to do the right thing.
By Waylon Brendlinger, CEO American Greetings Corporation
We here at American Greetings Corporation™ take the health and happiness of this country very seriously. That's why, when we reviewed our profits from this past Valentine's Day, we were extremely disappointed to learn we had not made as much money as we wanted. Why is that a bad thing? Well, let me tell you.
If we don't make boat loads of money during the Valentine's Day season, or "The February Warmth and Goodwill Season," as we prefer to call it to show the proper respect for our multi-cultural brothers and sisters, that means that not enough people spent money on Valentine's Day merchandise. And do you know what happens when you don't spend a lot of money on Valentine's Day? That's right; you risk the health and happiness of your entire family.
Studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between Valentine's Day expenditure and health and happiness. In one recent study, it was demonstrated conclusively that the quality of Valentine's Day sex among couples was directly proportionate to the money spent. In general, men reported "quality time" with their significant others was more fulfilling as they spent more money.
Oh, but the correlation doesn't end there. Men who did not spend enough money on their others did not just have bad sex. They also had incurred negative health effects. For instance, in one study, several men who forgot Valentine's Day or did not spend a significant amount had their penises fall right off! You don't want to be like those guys, now do you? Do you?
No, of course not. That's why you need to spend lots of money on Valentine's Day. To help you out, we've compiled the survey results into an easy to read chart that shows the probable effects of various Valentine's Day expenditure categories. We hope this helps you determine how much you should spend come next Valentine's Day.
$0-$50: Death/Severe Emasculation
$51-$100: Impotence
$101-$500: Second base only
$501-$1000: Mediocre sex
$1000+: Best sex ever.
I hope this helps you understand the grave importance of Valentine's Day expenditures. Allow me to close with the following graph, which must be true because it was made in Excel.
I think that any rational person, after being confronted with this incontrovertible
evidence, would know to do the right thing.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
So I've been trying for a while to come up with a Valentine's Day post. But thanks to our friends laziness and plagiarism, it looks like I don't have to.
One of the webcomics I read is called "Least I Could Do." I won't link it because it doesn't meet FU-News' high standards of link-worthiness (it's basically a comic strip about several wacky 20-somethings and their lives of hilarity and debauchery). You can Google it if you're interested, but don't say I didn't warn you. I'm not sure why I read it. It's either because a) the author is a little bit of a geek, which I relate to, or b) because the artist draws plenty of attractive women in the strip. Could be either one.
Anyways, despite the author's shortcomings, he occasionally gets something right. Today was one of those days.
From his daily Blog posting:
"The real purpose of this post was to talk about today, February 14th, Valentine's Day.
"Pay attention now, kids, this is important.
"Valentine's Day as a commercial holiday is simply full of (crap). It's loud, it's obnoxious and it's plenty overrated and over hyped. Frankly, I have no idea who St Valentine was, or which one of his enemy's hearts he ripped out in order to get a holiday named after him, but that doesn't really matter at this point. At the core of it, the intention of St Valentine's, to me, was something very simple.
"It's an excuse.
"You know how selfish we all tend to get, how wrapped up in our own stupidities and ambitions we usually are. There are times, many times, that we simply don't see or appreciate all the good in our lives. Despite all our best intentions, as much as we say it will never happen, we are all guilty of this at one time or another.
"How often do you express appreciation to those dear people in your life? How often do you get flowers for your wife or girlfriend? How often do you show up at your mother's house with a box of chocolates and a card?
"Probably not as often as you should.
"Well now you have an excuse, that extra little push to do something that you should be constantly doing anyways.
"So forget about the overblown gestures of romance and love today, and instead, focus on the little ones, the important ones, to the people that matter.
"Tell your father how much you respect him, and how you wish that you grew up to possess even half his morality and integrity. Tell your mother that you don't spend time with her because you have to, but because you genuinely want to, and that you consider her one of your closest friends. Tell your brother how proud you are of everything he's accomplished professionally, and that from time to time, he actually acts his age. Tell your significant other how she constantly makes you smile and somehow manages to quiet that chaotic piece of real estate you call a mind.
"Valentines Day. It's an excuse.
"Use it."
To his last paragraph, I could only add "And tell your sister how much you admire her and look up to her as a roll model."
One of the webcomics I read is called "Least I Could Do." I won't link it because it doesn't meet FU-News' high standards of link-worthiness (it's basically a comic strip about several wacky 20-somethings and their lives of hilarity and debauchery). You can Google it if you're interested, but don't say I didn't warn you. I'm not sure why I read it. It's either because a) the author is a little bit of a geek, which I relate to, or b) because the artist draws plenty of attractive women in the strip. Could be either one.
Anyways, despite the author's shortcomings, he occasionally gets something right. Today was one of those days.
From his daily Blog posting:
"The real purpose of this post was to talk about today, February 14th, Valentine's Day.
"Pay attention now, kids, this is important.
"Valentine's Day as a commercial holiday is simply full of (crap). It's loud, it's obnoxious and it's plenty overrated and over hyped. Frankly, I have no idea who St Valentine was, or which one of his enemy's hearts he ripped out in order to get a holiday named after him, but that doesn't really matter at this point. At the core of it, the intention of St Valentine's, to me, was something very simple.
"It's an excuse.
"You know how selfish we all tend to get, how wrapped up in our own stupidities and ambitions we usually are. There are times, many times, that we simply don't see or appreciate all the good in our lives. Despite all our best intentions, as much as we say it will never happen, we are all guilty of this at one time or another.
"How often do you express appreciation to those dear people in your life? How often do you get flowers for your wife or girlfriend? How often do you show up at your mother's house with a box of chocolates and a card?
"Probably not as often as you should.
"Well now you have an excuse, that extra little push to do something that you should be constantly doing anyways.
"So forget about the overblown gestures of romance and love today, and instead, focus on the little ones, the important ones, to the people that matter.
"Tell your father how much you respect him, and how you wish that you grew up to possess even half his morality and integrity. Tell your mother that you don't spend time with her because you have to, but because you genuinely want to, and that you consider her one of your closest friends. Tell your brother how proud you are of everything he's accomplished professionally, and that from time to time, he actually acts his age. Tell your significant other how she constantly makes you smile and somehow manages to quiet that chaotic piece of real estate you call a mind.
"Valentines Day. It's an excuse.
"Use it."
To his last paragraph, I could only add "And tell your sister how much you admire her and look up to her as a roll model."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)