Hi from 29 Palms!
Everything here is an acronym. In fact everything is an acronym with computers too. I must be cursed. Dad and Joe Belland have to know my problem. I'll give you an example of how these darn worlds collide.
Acronym: EGA
For the USMC it means Eagle Globe and Anchor
For the computer world it means Extended Gfx Adapter 16 Color Video
Acronym: BMP
For the USMC it means some kind of enemy vehicle
For the computer world it means A Bitmap, A Picture
It gets worse too. Some times the USMC is dislexic (no, I have no idea hot to spell lisdexic). Take BAH - Basic Housing Allowance. How did they mess that up and why has no one fixed it yet? And then there are the really jacked up ones like ANPEQA2. Not a clue. But it can lead to some fun with Privates and PFC's (Private 1st Class). You can send them to admin to request an eye-dee-ten-tea form which when you spell it out is id10t. Or send them to supply for a bee-A-eleven hundred-en or a ba1100n. SSgt (Staff Sergeant) Gray has been known to take a rubber glove, blow it up, tie off the opening and hand it to the stupefied private. The worst one requires a little setup:
I'm a Cpl (Corporal) or an E4 which means I'm enlisted and at a pay grade 4. If someone said, "I need an E4" in a room of mixed service members (Army, Navy, Air force, and/or Marines in one room) I might stand and volunteer for whatever. The highest enlisted pay grade in our company is an E9, a 1st Sgt. We have a sophisticated field radio called an AN/PRC-119, which we simply say prik-119 when we are talking about it. So any way, it's fun to send a private up to admin to ask, "Do you have a prik-E9?" Poor kid has no idea what hell is about to be unleashed.
Note: Please no one send packages until I arrive at whatever firm base in Iraq. I'll let you know some time mid to late March when I get there. But everyone please do send pics. Would like to know what the heck I'm fighting for. Not to mention I am now the official Marine Corps Dating-Marriage Service. I'm on a mission to weed out the bad ones and hook up my sister-in-law up with the best, most morally and spiritually acceptable Marine. So whoever wants to date-marry a Marine, who I might add is defending your right to be single and lonely (just kidding), send pics and an address where he can write you back. Keep in mind it might take me a little while to find GOOD marines. Guys, if you want to send pics too, we have some Navy docs here whom I'm sure would love to date you.
Now for individual and group messages:
The Carpenters: Miss you guys. How's Jay doing in the academy? Hope the computer/internet hasn't crapped out (or how are you reading this?) I don't think my CO (Commanding Officer) would understand If I had to go to Florida to fix a computer. If anything broke, I swear it wasn't me. If the Yellow Dart and My Other Girlfriend want Marine dates, Please send pics with the understanding it may take months to fund a guy whose good enough to date you.
Carie: How's the wedding plans? Please don't stress Carie. I know most brides do, but just remember with the exception of you, Sam and the priest, everything else is window dressing. Don't get locked into the "must be perfect" mind set. It should be perfect, but it might not be. Nothing no matter how imperfect should be allowed to stress you or put you down on what is unavoidably going to be the happiest day, week, month, and year of your life. Wish I could be there. Please send me pics when you get back from your honeymoon.
Joe, Anne Marie, Dave, and all the Bellands: As I write this, I'm only a couple of hours away from you. 29 Palms, Ca is somewhere near the NV border. Marines here talk about wanting to go to Vegas. I don't think we'll actually get a chance to leave or have people visit at all. That is the current word. Too bad, would have loved to have seen you all. Dave, you working with Gulf Coast? How's that coming? Hope to see you when I get back. You are all welcome to the house in Florida. Oh yeah, where's my coke? And nobody here believes the accuracy you, Joe, had with an air gun . . . 100 Ft . . . moving target . . . behind cover and concealment . . . right to my neck . . . you suck. I'll try and replicate that shot when I'm in Iraq.
CTL Guys: Out here conquering. Keep me in your prayers and pray especially that I never be asked to demonstrate the greatest act of love. I'm talking with a Marine who is just now having a conversion. Keep him in your prayers and pray I can help him 'till we get a gosh-darn Catholic Priest here. Lutheran chaplains are all we got at the moment
SOL Gals: You gals are all freaking gorgeous. Miss you all. Someone let Emily (formerly Foster), Gretchen Wagner, Bethany Croteau, Suzanne Valier, and Lee know about this because this is for them as well. Emily, is Nick out of the USMC? How are you two doing? Lee, how are you and John? Gretchen, Bethany, and Suzanne, I'm praying for all five of you when I do my rosaries. I know someone wants to date a Marine. Send a picture, but it may take a while to find a Marine that looks even half as good as I do. I make these cammies look pimp'in.
Todd Hartlieb: Gosh-dang it man, how do you spell that last name? It was easier when all I had to know to spell your name was how to spell my own. How's working at Disney? I hope to make regular visits to see you when I get back. What's your contact info? I'll send you turbans or something.
Mandy Lengyel: Mess with my wife in class? It's on now blondie! (Is it still blond? I don't know, I can't keep up.) You may be taller, but somewhere out there is a ladder I'm gonna climb and knock that smile off your pretty little face. Miss ya. Hey do me a favor and say high to Dr. Kovach, Dr. Burton, and Dr. Coleman. Also, make sure Ileana's always at class and not too down while I'm away.
Steph Puglia: Thanks again for that dinner. Maybe I'll see you again either in TX or in MI. Let me know how you are doing and when you move if ever while I'm here.
Emily Litson: Hey what's up? Remember your gonna show up here in Iraq and make a docudrama: Tom Adams - A Marine In Touch With His Feelings. I can even make pointless special effects to destroy and plot messages you try to convey. You like video hardware, you would love some of our secret gear. How's Jerry? Still crying at night? How about the baby? JUST KIDDING!!! I think I'm hysterical. Don't believe me? Ask my mom.
Chuck Wheeler: How the hell are you, sir? Are you a 1st Lt yet? How's Jessica and the kid? Still in Japan or have you been to the Mid East yet? Let me know. Would like to see you again, preferably under non-official circumstances. Right now I have a lot of different hats. Fire team leader, acting Squad leader at times, armory custodian, and Blue Force Tracker operator. Good stuff.
Josh and Mary: Thanks for that dinner before I left. It was delicious. I LOVE Alfredo sauce. Take care of Ileana when I'm gone, okay?
Jessie and Georden: Be a good boy! No giving your mom any sas. Are you even reading this? Anyhow, take care Jessie. Let me know how you're doing, especially after Sam's bro visits.
Penny Calmbacher and Dave Gresko: How are things going? I'll bring you back a sample of the combat ready laptops. These things won't break. Bet you I could find a Franciscan student who could. HA! I crack me up. Oh yeah, you're fired!
Tim, Mike, and the Gulf Coast Gang: I'm working on a concept to integrate journal data with video on an M16 mounted on a tripod. Every NO SALE for instance would result in an instant shooting. We could start with extremities and move to vital organs for repeat offenders. Hey if you want, I could still handle tech support. Tell Marla to mail me. Oh yeah, she'll have to send a picture too. HA HA HA! . . . tearing up . . . No really, I crack me up. Look forward to seeing you guys again.
Slash, Eddie, and Angus: If you guys are reading this, you guys rock and are keeping me sane. Why are you reading this? (These guys are members of Velvet Revolver)
Don Rumsfeld: Less armor! Less! This flak is freaking heavy! I have no mobility. Don't listen to complaining National Guardsman. Besides, that is our job, killing and complaining. If we are not complaining it means we are up to something.
Cindy Crawford: Sorry, but I love my wife.
Anybody I forgot: Sorry. Please mail me though. I'll try to write back. My next letter might not be for a long time.
End Transmission
*Posted by Ileana Adams on his behalf*
Monday, February 7, 2005
Thursday, February 3, 2005
Cross Sums
A little while ago, I realized something was missing in my life. There was a hole in my heart that was crying out to be filled. None of the things I tried to fill it with (drugs, alcohol, sex, family, religion...) seemed to help. Then one day, I realized what I was missing: Cross Sums.
For those of you (if any exist who read this blog) who are unfamiliar with Cross Sums, they are essentially Cross Word puzzles, but filled with numbers and the clues represent the sums of the numbers that fill in the squares in the row or column. They are in Dell puzzle magazines, and were a staple of my bathroom time until I moved out of the house and went to college. In college, mom would xerox (verbing weirds language) them and send them to me, but as there were no tables in the stalls in Marian Hall, I tended not to do them. But recently, I've found myself longing for their logical intrigue, especially since I have long, boring periods of downtime at work.
Being a cheap b------, I decided I didn't actually want to pay money for a Dell puzzle magazine subscription, and Dell refused my offers to sell them my wife for a life time subscription, so I remained Cross Sum-less. Then one day, I had a thought, as if a bolt of lightning struck my brain. Yeah, they tend to hurt. "Hey, I'm a CS major," I thought. "I could just write a computer algorithm to randomly generate a Cross Sum." An intriguing idea, my split personality agreed. So thus the work began. I rolled up my sleeves and dove into Visual Basic head first, after the initial struggles of coming up with how to generate a grid symmetrical to a point and guarantee that no runs are shorter than 2 or longer than 9, then getting my head round the recursive algorithm I was using to generate the random numbers to populate the grid, I had myself a bonifide, electrifide, genuine Cross Sum. What's it called? Cross Sum! One more time! Cross Sum. (< /simpsons >)
So, with great anticipation, I jumped into the puzzle and began solving it, only to discover that Dell puzzle magazine doesn't just throw together Cross Sums. Apparently, it requires actual work. The problem I immediately encountered with my random-number Cross Sum was that it was, well, random. There was no unique solution. You could pretty much put whatever numbers you wanted into the grid and get it to work out in the end. This somehow diminished the fun and logical challenge. Disappointed, I put down the Cross Sum and was ready to give up. This made the kittens cry.
Then while discussing the problem with Dave, he suggested an idea that might help make it possible. When I randomly generated a number for the grid, I made several checks on that number to make sure it would validly fit in the grid. How about if one of the checks was a unique solution? Before it could accept a particular placement of numbers in the grid, it would have to first check that the placement was unique. This shouldn't be hard at all! All I'd have to do is check to see if there are two solutions and, if so, change the numbers somehow to get rid of one of them. Solving the Cross Sum in an algorithm shouldn't be hard at all. In fact, it would be a very similar algorithm to generating. So with a renewed sense of eagerness, I dove back into VB, and began writing the algorithm to solve the Cross Sum I'd just generated to see if there are different solutions.
That's where the real problem comes. Technically this is entirely possible to do. Basically, to find out if there's only one solution, I have to test all possible combinations of the 9 digits in each square, do various tests to weed out the invalid digits, and make sure they add up properly. Put this in another recursive function and voila, I have my solving algorithm. The problem: each square has 9 possible digits, each of which I have to test for. The default grid size is 20x20 (400 squares). So that's 9^400 possible combinations, or 4.977 x 10^381. Assuming one clock cycle per digit, (when in reality it takes several hundred), it would take a 3.0 Ghz machine about 5.261 x 10^364 years to iterate through all possible combinations. Not good.
There are ways to simplify it. I can immediately rule out some digits (a 9 can't go in a 2-digit combination that adds up to 3, for example), so I can reduce the possibilities some there. Also, I'm not really solving for 400 squares. Minus the border and the internal blocks, it's really only about 250-300 squares. Assuming an average of 4.5 possible digits for each square, this bring down the number of combinations to no more than 2.010 x 10^163, which is solvable in a mere 6.373 x 10^155 years. Doing a little better. If I lower the grid size to 10x10, and assume about 30 internal blocks, for a total of around 50 squares, I have a paltry 4.577 x 10^32, solvable in only 14.52 septillion years (14.52 x 10^24). Just the blink of an eye.
Essentially, the problem is the number of combinations is an exponential function of the grid size, so the solving algorithm runs in exponential time, based on the size of the grid (or O(n) = (9-c1)^(n-c2) where c1 represents the average number of unusable digits, c2 is the number of blocks, and n is the size of the grid, for those of you interested in Big O notation). Is there a way to simplify it? Well, no one knows. Essentially, it runs in what is referred to as "Non-deterministic Polynomial Time", and as such this algorithm is a member of the set NP (the set of all algorithms solvable in Non-deterministic Polynomial Time). It's called this because each iteration of the loop runs in Polynomial time (which is faster), so if we arbitrarily choose (non-determinism) one iteration of the loop, we can run that in Polynomial time. But the larger the grid, the more (exponentially) iterations of the loop.
By contrast, an algorithm that increases more steadily as the independant variable increases is said to run in "Polynomial time". In our case, if we had a Polynomial time algorithm, the run time would be something more like O(n) = c*n^x. As n increases, the computational time increases at a more manageable rate. The set of these desirable, fast algorithms - those that can be solved in Polynomial time - is referred to as P. So in essence, to get a suitably quick Cross Sum generator with guaranteed unique solutions, I have to solve the problem of P=NP, one of the great unsolved problems in mathematics: is the set of algorithms that can be solved in Non-deterministic Polynomial time equal to the set of algorithms that can be solved in Polynomial time. Basically, can you convert an exponential-time algorithm into a faster polynomial-time algorithm? Most mathematicians believe the answer is no, but no one has ever been able to prove this definitely.
So now, the stakes for the Cross Sums generator are much higher. If I can write a quick program, not only do I fill a whole in my heart, but I also get the Nobel prize in Mathematics, millions of dollars, and a place in history as a great mathematician. Oh, and hot babes. All brilliant mathematicians had loads of hot babes.
A little while ago, I realized something was missing in my life. There was a hole in my heart that was crying out to be filled. None of the things I tried to fill it with (drugs, alcohol, sex, family, religion...) seemed to help. Then one day, I realized what I was missing: Cross Sums.
For those of you (if any exist who read this blog) who are unfamiliar with Cross Sums, they are essentially Cross Word puzzles, but filled with numbers and the clues represent the sums of the numbers that fill in the squares in the row or column. They are in Dell puzzle magazines, and were a staple of my bathroom time until I moved out of the house and went to college. In college, mom would xerox (verbing weirds language) them and send them to me, but as there were no tables in the stalls in Marian Hall, I tended not to do them. But recently, I've found myself longing for their logical intrigue, especially since I have long, boring periods of downtime at work.
Being a cheap b------, I decided I didn't actually want to pay money for a Dell puzzle magazine subscription, and Dell refused my offers to sell them my wife for a life time subscription, so I remained Cross Sum-less. Then one day, I had a thought, as if a bolt of lightning struck my brain. Yeah, they tend to hurt. "Hey, I'm a CS major," I thought. "I could just write a computer algorithm to randomly generate a Cross Sum." An intriguing idea, my split personality agreed. So thus the work began. I rolled up my sleeves and dove into Visual Basic head first, after the initial struggles of coming up with how to generate a grid symmetrical to a point and guarantee that no runs are shorter than 2 or longer than 9, then getting my head round the recursive algorithm I was using to generate the random numbers to populate the grid, I had myself a bonifide, electrifide, genuine Cross Sum. What's it called? Cross Sum! One more time! Cross Sum. (< /simpsons >)
So, with great anticipation, I jumped into the puzzle and began solving it, only to discover that Dell puzzle magazine doesn't just throw together Cross Sums. Apparently, it requires actual work. The problem I immediately encountered with my random-number Cross Sum was that it was, well, random. There was no unique solution. You could pretty much put whatever numbers you wanted into the grid and get it to work out in the end. This somehow diminished the fun and logical challenge. Disappointed, I put down the Cross Sum and was ready to give up. This made the kittens cry.
Then while discussing the problem with Dave, he suggested an idea that might help make it possible. When I randomly generated a number for the grid, I made several checks on that number to make sure it would validly fit in the grid. How about if one of the checks was a unique solution? Before it could accept a particular placement of numbers in the grid, it would have to first check that the placement was unique. This shouldn't be hard at all! All I'd have to do is check to see if there are two solutions and, if so, change the numbers somehow to get rid of one of them. Solving the Cross Sum in an algorithm shouldn't be hard at all. In fact, it would be a very similar algorithm to generating. So with a renewed sense of eagerness, I dove back into VB, and began writing the algorithm to solve the Cross Sum I'd just generated to see if there are different solutions.
That's where the real problem comes. Technically this is entirely possible to do. Basically, to find out if there's only one solution, I have to test all possible combinations of the 9 digits in each square, do various tests to weed out the invalid digits, and make sure they add up properly. Put this in another recursive function and voila, I have my solving algorithm. The problem: each square has 9 possible digits, each of which I have to test for. The default grid size is 20x20 (400 squares). So that's 9^400 possible combinations, or 4.977 x 10^381. Assuming one clock cycle per digit, (when in reality it takes several hundred), it would take a 3.0 Ghz machine about 5.261 x 10^364 years to iterate through all possible combinations. Not good.
There are ways to simplify it. I can immediately rule out some digits (a 9 can't go in a 2-digit combination that adds up to 3, for example), so I can reduce the possibilities some there. Also, I'm not really solving for 400 squares. Minus the border and the internal blocks, it's really only about 250-300 squares. Assuming an average of 4.5 possible digits for each square, this bring down the number of combinations to no more than 2.010 x 10^163, which is solvable in a mere 6.373 x 10^155 years. Doing a little better. If I lower the grid size to 10x10, and assume about 30 internal blocks, for a total of around 50 squares, I have a paltry 4.577 x 10^32, solvable in only 14.52 septillion years (14.52 x 10^24). Just the blink of an eye.
Essentially, the problem is the number of combinations is an exponential function of the grid size, so the solving algorithm runs in exponential time, based on the size of the grid (or O(n) = (9-c1)^(n-c2) where c1 represents the average number of unusable digits, c2 is the number of blocks, and n is the size of the grid, for those of you interested in Big O notation). Is there a way to simplify it? Well, no one knows. Essentially, it runs in what is referred to as "Non-deterministic Polynomial Time", and as such this algorithm is a member of the set NP (the set of all algorithms solvable in Non-deterministic Polynomial Time). It's called this because each iteration of the loop runs in Polynomial time (which is faster), so if we arbitrarily choose (non-determinism) one iteration of the loop, we can run that in Polynomial time. But the larger the grid, the more (exponentially) iterations of the loop.
By contrast, an algorithm that increases more steadily as the independant variable increases is said to run in "Polynomial time". In our case, if we had a Polynomial time algorithm, the run time would be something more like O(n) = c*n^x. As n increases, the computational time increases at a more manageable rate. The set of these desirable, fast algorithms - those that can be solved in Polynomial time - is referred to as P. So in essence, to get a suitably quick Cross Sum generator with guaranteed unique solutions, I have to solve the problem of P=NP, one of the great unsolved problems in mathematics: is the set of algorithms that can be solved in Non-deterministic Polynomial time equal to the set of algorithms that can be solved in Polynomial time. Basically, can you convert an exponential-time algorithm into a faster polynomial-time algorithm? Most mathematicians believe the answer is no, but no one has ever been able to prove this definitely.
So now, the stakes for the Cross Sums generator are much higher. If I can write a quick program, not only do I fill a whole in my heart, but I also get the Nobel prize in Mathematics, millions of dollars, and a place in history as a great mathematician. Oh, and hot babes. All brilliant mathematicians had loads of hot babes.
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
Monday, January 17, 2005
I Need Naught but to Partake of Thine Magick Fire
Tidings to you, fair reeve of this place, from whence metal beasts take unto the skies, and within them convey those souls who seek to sojourn to strange lands and alien provinces. I greet you with the esteem and homage that is requisite one that surrender's his life to safeguarding those who, without thine help, would be hapless victims of the doom appointed them by evil men.
"What am I doing?" ask ye? Verily, I simply partake of the magick fire that flows forth from the aperture embedded upon this parapet, on which I rest mine weary back. Truthfully I tell thee that mine arithmetic counting machine, that zenith of new-fangled scientific learning, is nigh to the darkened death that befalls such contraptions, when sundered from a spring of magick fire for a dog's age.
"That is not allowed?" say ye? I must query the nature of such a law, for it is not born from God. I tell you, the worth of such magick fire as is consumed by mine machine of electronic wizardry is but a tuppence! It is of inconsequential cost to the denizens and taxpayers of this fair shire, in which I am forced to tarry until such time as the metal beast within which I shall be born yonder is prepared for the great odyssey of a thousand thousand paces to land of mine abode.
I only ask that I might but partake of thine magick fire for the time that I am forced to linger in this place. It seems an eternity has transpired, and were it not for mine machine of bewitchment with which I might be beguiled and enthralled, I would be compelled to madness by the tedium and stagnation.
But what of the lanterns that burn brightly in the rooftop through the bright of day and dark of night, providing those that dwell herein with guiding light, such that we do not stumble and falter as we would in the dark and disarray? Surely the worth of the magick fire put forth by said lamps is not inconsequential? Must I also surrender my ducats for the benefits bestowed by them? Then tell me, why prohibit me from partaking of the magick fire for other purposes?
Fie, I say! A pox on thee and thy kin! No more shall I travel to this shire, or allow mine earnings to profit those who would put forth a law not discernable through rationale, and not equitable by the laws of God or man.
Tidings to you, fair reeve of this place, from whence metal beasts take unto the skies, and within them convey those souls who seek to sojourn to strange lands and alien provinces. I greet you with the esteem and homage that is requisite one that surrender's his life to safeguarding those who, without thine help, would be hapless victims of the doom appointed them by evil men.
"What am I doing?" ask ye? Verily, I simply partake of the magick fire that flows forth from the aperture embedded upon this parapet, on which I rest mine weary back. Truthfully I tell thee that mine arithmetic counting machine, that zenith of new-fangled scientific learning, is nigh to the darkened death that befalls such contraptions, when sundered from a spring of magick fire for a dog's age.
"That is not allowed?" say ye? I must query the nature of such a law, for it is not born from God. I tell you, the worth of such magick fire as is consumed by mine machine of electronic wizardry is but a tuppence! It is of inconsequential cost to the denizens and taxpayers of this fair shire, in which I am forced to tarry until such time as the metal beast within which I shall be born yonder is prepared for the great odyssey of a thousand thousand paces to land of mine abode.
I only ask that I might but partake of thine magick fire for the time that I am forced to linger in this place. It seems an eternity has transpired, and were it not for mine machine of bewitchment with which I might be beguiled and enthralled, I would be compelled to madness by the tedium and stagnation.
But what of the lanterns that burn brightly in the rooftop through the bright of day and dark of night, providing those that dwell herein with guiding light, such that we do not stumble and falter as we would in the dark and disarray? Surely the worth of the magick fire put forth by said lamps is not inconsequential? Must I also surrender my ducats for the benefits bestowed by them? Then tell me, why prohibit me from partaking of the magick fire for other purposes?
Fie, I say! A pox on thee and thy kin! No more shall I travel to this shire, or allow mine earnings to profit those who would put forth a law not discernable through rationale, and not equitable by the laws of God or man.
Friday, January 7, 2005
Area Man Refuses to Worship Telephone Overlords
LONG BEACH, CA - According to sources close to him, Area Man Joe Belland refuses to bow down and worship our great Telephone Overlords, to whom all praise and attention is due.
According to an anonymous witness, who shall only be identified by the pseudonym Shmristine Shmacosta, "Joe has a serious problem about not devoting the proper attention to our great Telephone Overlords. After calling him approximately 483 times in a 10-minute interval, he stopped answering the phone! What's up with that? Does he not know that the Telephone Overlords are the most important appliances in our lives, and deserve our total and undivided attention? How could he possibly let a Telephone Overlord ring and not answer it immediately?"
Belland's wench, who will only be referred to by the pseudonym Shmanne Marie, also shared similar disgust, stating "I know he was simultaneously trying to cook dinner, watch TV, and cure cancer, but come on here! Priorities! The Telephone Overlords deserve nothing less than every moment of our waking lives! He should always answer it immediately, even when I call to tell him every time I pass a mileage marker, underpass, another car, or reflector in the road!"
Belland, who is obviously evil for allowing a Telephone Overlord to go un-answered, was quoted as saying "Come brethren, let us usher in a new era for the Answering Machine. Together, with this novel technology, we can throw off the yokes placed on us by the Evil Telephones and live in a time of peace, prosperity, and disconnection."
LONG BEACH, CA - According to sources close to him, Area Man Joe Belland refuses to bow down and worship our great Telephone Overlords, to whom all praise and attention is due.
According to an anonymous witness, who shall only be identified by the pseudonym Shmristine Shmacosta, "Joe has a serious problem about not devoting the proper attention to our great Telephone Overlords. After calling him approximately 483 times in a 10-minute interval, he stopped answering the phone! What's up with that? Does he not know that the Telephone Overlords are the most important appliances in our lives, and deserve our total and undivided attention? How could he possibly let a Telephone Overlord ring and not answer it immediately?"
Belland's wench, who will only be referred to by the pseudonym Shmanne Marie, also shared similar disgust, stating "I know he was simultaneously trying to cook dinner, watch TV, and cure cancer, but come on here! Priorities! The Telephone Overlords deserve nothing less than every moment of our waking lives! He should always answer it immediately, even when I call to tell him every time I pass a mileage marker, underpass, another car, or reflector in the road!"
Belland, who is obviously evil for allowing a Telephone Overlord to go un-answered, was quoted as saying "Come brethren, let us usher in a new era for the Answering Machine. Together, with this novel technology, we can throw off the yokes placed on us by the Evil Telephones and live in a time of peace, prosperity, and disconnection."
People From New Jersey "F-ing Slow"
OFFICE 1136 - According to the new loud, annoying Jerk in office 1136, people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow." Sources close to the Jerk, who was not identified by name, report that he conducted a phone interview with a person from New Jersey and concluded that he was "f-ing slow and should not try to hustle me because you're not quick."
In the official report released by the Jerk, he continued that, "we in Newport Beach drive fast cars and live in expensive houses because we're quick. You are f-ing slow, and as such, should not try to f-ing hustle me because it will not work."
This report follows closely on the heals of the Jerk's recent "I F-ing Fired You Because You Moved To San Diego" and "You Were Supposed To Set Up The F-ing Computers Here, But F-ing Outlook Doesn't Even Work; What Am I F-ing Paying You For?" reports. The Dow, which dropped 300 point after the previous two reports, climbed slightly to 10,630 on the report that people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow."
OFFICE 1136 - According to the new loud, annoying Jerk in office 1136, people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow." Sources close to the Jerk, who was not identified by name, report that he conducted a phone interview with a person from New Jersey and concluded that he was "f-ing slow and should not try to hustle me because you're not quick."
In the official report released by the Jerk, he continued that, "we in Newport Beach drive fast cars and live in expensive houses because we're quick. You are f-ing slow, and as such, should not try to f-ing hustle me because it will not work."
This report follows closely on the heals of the Jerk's recent "I F-ing Fired You Because You Moved To San Diego" and "You Were Supposed To Set Up The F-ing Computers Here, But F-ing Outlook Doesn't Even Work; What Am I F-ing Paying You For?" reports. The Dow, which dropped 300 point after the previous two reports, climbed slightly to 10,630 on the report that people from New Jersey are "f-ing slow."
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