Baby Freezes to Death in Snow;
Nearby King Charged with Criminal Negligence

A Bay Area woman inspired authorities to look into a cold case involving a baby purportedly freezing to death 2,005 years ago. At the time the death was reported, no suspects were charged with the crime. However, Tampa’s Mrs. Burud discovered shocking new evidence indicating that a nearby king, whose name has not been released, may be responsible for the Baby’s death.

A well-known Christmas carol commemorating the devious deed is what tipped Mrs. Burud off to the king’s involvement. Accordingly, an investigation was conducted, resulting in new evidence that was sufficient to get an indictment against the king (who incidentally looks amazingly well for being 2,035 years old).

The most damning piece of evidence was a 2,005 year old parchment penned by the king’s bard in which details of the crime were recorded. When originally questioned by authorities, the king denied any knowledge of the crime or of the situation surrounding the events. However, the parchment states otherwise.

An excerpt of the document suggests that a peasant shepherd, angered at the king’s lack of approval of tax breaks for the poor and disappointed at the economy’s unfortunate state in general, sought to inform the king of his grievances. His plea, which was included in the parchment in its entirety, utilized real-life examples illustrating how the poor in his region suffered from the king’s negligence. Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king:
“Do you know what I know, in your palace warm, mighty king, do you know
what I know? A Child, a Child shivers in the cold!”

The shepherd sarcastically suggested that the king send the Baby silver and gold, as the monarch had a reputation for being ungenerous. The implication was clear: the king valued silver and gold over the life of a poor child shivering in the cold. The investigation revealed that the king had indeed done everything to make the lives of the poor in that region unbearable.

Of course the practical solution was that the king should send the baby a blanket so that the child would cease to freeze to death. The rest of the letter outlined the shepherd’s plan for distribution of every-day goods (such as blankets) to the poor in the region. Other royal court records, supposed burned until recently unearthed, confirmed that the king read the letter and was well aware of both the problem confronting the poor and of the shepherd’s intelligent and practical solution to the problem.

However, in response to the shepherd’s letter of complaint, which caused quite a stir in the royal court, the king merely attempted to quell the anger of his subjects by making warm and fuzzy, politically correct remarks such as, “Listen to what I say! Pray for peace, people everywhere!” According to several court members, the king was heard to say secretly to his advisors, “Listen to what I say: the Child, the Child, sleeping in the night--he will bring us goodness and light.” It is speculated that this remark suggested a sinister plot to kill the shepherd, thereby silencing the only voice of opposition to the king’s reign.

The child who was shivering in the cold without a blanket froze to death. The new evidence led to charges of criminal negligence being filed against the king; he is due to stand trial at the Highest Court upon his death. The people are seeking a maximum sentence of 20 to life in Purgatory pending his conviction.