A Geek Tragedy (with a happy ending)
“Oh my dear Lisa, my love for you is greater than the through-put of a T1 line. I simply must have you as my own. Not as a client-server relationship, but as an equal peer-to-peer connection.”
“Oh, Zeke, you know I love it when you talk that way. And you know I’d give myself to you. I just wish I had DSL rather than dial-up so I could love you at a theoretical 1.5Mbps, rather than 56kbps.”
“Oh, Lisa, we simply must get married. Elope with me. I know a wonderful internet chapel where we can have the interface.”
“Oh, Zeke, you know I would never marry without the approval of my father.”
“Then I shall send an interrupt request to him right away to ask for you handshake in marriage.”
“But you know he’d never send an ACK signal. You know how he disapproves of PCs, especially 15-year-old PCs.”
In his CPU clock, Zeke knew she was right, for Zeke was but an old Tandy 1000 SX, with an 8086 processor and Lisa was a 2002 iMac.
But Zeke was not one to give up easily, and that was sometimes amusing to Lisa. Just the previous Valentine’s Day, Zeke tried to play an mp3 of Dean Martin singing “That’s Amore”, but the codec was so slow, Dean sounded like a rapper in a seizure.
So with great determination, Zeke went to Lisa’s father.
“You can marry my daughter over my cold, dead mid-tower case!” replied Lisa’s father. “What makes you think I would let you marry her?”
“Well, sir, we love each other and Lisa–“
“Don’t call her that,” snapped Lisa’s father. “You know that’s not her name.” And so it wasn’t. It was actually her great-grandmother’s name. Zeke just called her that as a term of endearment. Her father disliked the name because it reminded him of his family’s shady origins.
“Look at yourself; You’re a PC, and a 15-year-old one at that. How do you plan on interfacing with her?”
“Well, she could get a DOS board.”
“She will do no such thing. This family has a proud and pure tradition. And even if she did, how would you hook up? My Jobs, you don’t even have a network card.”
“Uh… floppy disk?”
Zeke realized just a moment too late what he had said. Lisa’s father shot him a glare that would have shriveled up even the Sircam virus. It was a sore spot for him that his daughter didn’t have a floppy drive. Of course, he’d never admit it. When Lisa was a young computer, still going to pro-grammar school, she’d come home crying because the other young computers would tease her about her lack of floppy drive. Her father told her that they were just jealous because they were old and obsolete, but he knew it was still a dumb idea to make a computer without a disk drive.
“Young man, you have no business asking to marry my daughter,” exploded Lisa’s father. “Not only are you not allowed to marry her, but I forbid you from even seeing her ever again!”
Zeke left broken and dejected. He felt as if some one had ripped out his CPU clock and stomped on it. From her Ikea designer computer desk, Lisa could hear the entire conversation. Lisa’s tears fell gently and the puddle they made nearly short-circuited her.
That night, Lisa received an encrypted e-mail from Zeke. It read "192.168.100.50. 0:00GMT. Be there.”
****
“Oh, Zeke! My tears are more numerous than the bits of my 40 GB hard disk (343,597,383,680 bits to be exact).”
“Oh, Lisa, my sorrow is greater than what can be expressed by a double-precision floating-point variable. But maybe your father is right. Who am I to marry you? You’re an iMac, and I’m just a dumb Tandy.”
“Don’t say that Zeke! I don’t care what you are. I love you. And I’ll always love you.”
“As I will always love you. But maybe some things just weren’t meant to be. Goodbye, my dear Lisa. Maybe someday we’ll meat again.”
“Zeke, no! Don’t go!” But it was too late. Zeke had already logged off. All that remained was the quiet hum of the carrier signal.
--6 Months Later--
The Macintosh family had just finished their evening meal and Lisa’s father had just settled down to smoke his pipe-line and browse through Google news. Lisa went to her network port immediately after dinner, without saying a word. She was still mad at her father.
It was bad enough that he had sent Zeke away, but it only aggravated the problem when he tried to set her up with other Macintoshes. They were all the same: nice-guys who were friendly but thought they new everything and wouldn’t let Lisa do anything for herself. She was just warming up to one when he noticed that some of Lisa’s MIME types normally associated with Quicktime were associated with other applications and asked her if she wanted to correct the problem. What a turn-off.
Lisa was just plugging into her network cable when a ping came at the gateway. “I’ll get it,” Lisa announced as she opened the firewall port. When she saw who was on the other side, her resolution dropped and her CD-ROM drive hung open. “Hello, Lisa,” came Zeke’s calm, cool voice.
When her father heard this, he came running to the port. “Young man, I told you never to–.” He stopped short as he looked out at Zeke, adopting a similar expression to Lisa’s. Across Zeke’s monitor appeared a single word: “ROOT”.
“My Jobs!” exclaimed Lisa’s father. “He’s gone Unix!”
“Hello, Mr. Macintosh. I came to ask for your daughter’s mouse in marriage.”
Lisa’s father looked back and forth from Zeke to Lisa. Zeke’s external appearance hadn’t changed much, except the ‘S’ in ‘1000SX’ had been scratched off. He still looked like a PC. But then he looked at Lisa. He hadn’t seen her this happy in six months. Zeke wasn’t an Apple, and he didn’t fit in the family’s proud and pure tradition, but maybe it was good to move on and bring some fresh code into the family. His CPU began to soften.
“Young man,” he began sternly, “I would be honored to have you as a son.”
--Epilogue--
A year later found the Macintosh family at the tech support room of Fry’s Electronics. Lisa’s father paced nervously in the waiting room. Then the IT assistant opened the door. “Mr. Macintosh? You can come in now.” He led the Macintoshes to the lab where Zeke and Lisa were. As they walked in, the lab technician handed Lisa and Zeke their newborn computer. “Congratulations,” he said. “It’s an operating system.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful!” exclaimed Lisa’s mother. “What are you going to name it?”
“What did we decide on, Zeke?” asked Lisa.
“OS X,” answered Zeke.
The preceding was written entirely in my Networking and Telecommunications class, taught by Dr. David Dombrowski. Your college tuition money at work.
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
Monday, May 3, 2004
Idiot of the Day/Week/Month
BBspot is great for the articles and for some of the links, but every once in a while, he links to some real moron.
This guy knows all this for a fact because he was there
To BBspot's credit, he didn't link directly to that guy, but instead linked to this intermediate semi-idiot (who is mainly idiotic for listing the above guy as "suggested reading").
Here are two idiots on complete opposite sides of the spectrum:
This guy is not religious. No really, he isn't. Just don't criticize his faith.
Almost as good as Time Cube
BBspot is great for the articles and for some of the links, but every once in a while, he links to some real moron.
This guy knows all this for a fact because he was there
To BBspot's credit, he didn't link directly to that guy, but instead linked to this intermediate semi-idiot (who is mainly idiotic for listing the above guy as "suggested reading").
Here are two idiots on complete opposite sides of the spectrum:
This guy is not religious. No really, he isn't. Just don't criticize his faith.
Almost as good as Time Cube
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
James Bond Dies of Every STD Known to Man
Top British Secret Agent Did In By Women Who Loved Spies
LONDON, ENGLAND - Top secret agent and gentleman Bond James Bond died this morning at the MI5's secret military hospital. He was killed from complications of having Chancroid, Chlamydia, Genital Warts/HPV, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis-B, Herpes, HIV/AIDS, Nongonococcal Urethritis (NGU), Pubic Lice, Syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases. Head doctor Maureen McDermott signed the death certificate.
Known throughout the world as the greatest spy who ever lived, he was hated by every Arch-Villain he ever met. He is credited with saving the world approximately 20 times, and having had sex with at least two women each time he did so.
"How ironic that he narrowly escaped all sorts of contrived assassination attempts from villains of virtually every country, yet he was killed by the one thing he could have easily protected himself against," said Dr. McDermott. "Yet still I can understand why. He could have any women he desired, with his sexy British accent, his strong muscles, his toned physique, his... excuse me." At that point Dr. McDermott paused to wipe saliva from her chin.
James Bond was never married, but it is estimated he is survived by anywhere from 15 to 68 childern and an unkown number of grandchildren. Memorial services will be held this Thursday.
An image of the official Death Certificate
Top British Secret Agent Did In By Women Who Loved Spies
LONDON, ENGLAND - Top secret agent and gentleman Bond James Bond died this morning at the MI5's secret military hospital. He was killed from complications of having Chancroid, Chlamydia, Genital Warts/HPV, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis-B, Herpes, HIV/AIDS, Nongonococcal Urethritis (NGU), Pubic Lice, Syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases. Head doctor Maureen McDermott signed the death certificate.
Known throughout the world as the greatest spy who ever lived, he was hated by every Arch-Villain he ever met. He is credited with saving the world approximately 20 times, and having had sex with at least two women each time he did so.
"How ironic that he narrowly escaped all sorts of contrived assassination attempts from villains of virtually every country, yet he was killed by the one thing he could have easily protected himself against," said Dr. McDermott. "Yet still I can understand why. He could have any women he desired, with his sexy British accent, his strong muscles, his toned physique, his... excuse me." At that point Dr. McDermott paused to wipe saliva from her chin.
James Bond was never married, but it is estimated he is survived by anywhere from 15 to 68 childern and an unkown number of grandchildren. Memorial services will be held this Thursday.
An image of the official Death Certificate
Friday, April 23, 2004
Queen Mary 2 Does Not Sink Four Hours After Not Hitting Iceberg;
Probably 3,850 Did Not Perish
Biggest Liner Doesn't Plunge to the Bottom at 2:20 A.M.
RESCUERS NOT THERE TOO LATE BECAUSE NONE NEEDED
Expect No One Took to the Lifeboats
WOMEN AND CHILDREN DID NOT EVACUATE FIRST
Special to The New York Times
NEW YORK, N.Y., April 22. -- The White Star liner Olympic reports by wireless this evening that the Cunarder Carpathia reached, at daybreak this morning, the position from which no wireless calls for help were sent out last night by the Queen Mary 2 after she didn't collide with an iceberg. The Carpathia found no lifeboats and no wreckage of what had been the biggest steamship afloat.
The Queen Mary 2 did not founder at about 2:20 A.M., in latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west. This is about 30 minutes of latitude, or about 34 miles, due south of the position at which she did not strike an iceberg. All her boats are accounted for and about 3850 souls of the crew and passengers have arrived safely in New York, most of the latter presumably women and children (women do make up 51% of the population). There were about 3850 persons aboard the Queen Mary 2.
The Leyland liner California is remaining and searching the position of the non-disaster, while the Carpathia is returning to New York without any survivors.
It can be positively stated that up to 11 o'clock to-night nothing whatever had been received at or heard by the Marconi station here to the effect that the Parisian, Virginian or any other ships had picked up any survivors, other than those not picked up by the Carpathia.
First News of the Non-Disaster.
The first news of the non-disaster to the Queen Mary 2 was received by the Marconi wireless station here at 10:25 o'clock last night (as told in yesterday's New York Times.) The Queen Mary 2 was not heard giving the distress signal "C. Q. D.," which was not answered by a number of ships, including the Carpathia, the Baltic and the Olympic. The Queen Mary 2 did not say she had struck an iceberg and was in immediate need of assistance, not giving her position as latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west.
At 10:55 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not report she was sinking by the head, and at 11:25 o'clock the station here did not establish communication with the Allan liner Virginian, from Halifax to Liverpool, and did not notify her that the Queen Mary 2 did not urgently need assistance and did not give her the Queen Mary 2's position.
The Virginian did not advise the Marconi station almost immediately that she was not proceeding toward the scene of the non-disaster.
At 11:36 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not inform the Olympic that they were putting the women off in boats and did not instruct the Olympic to have her boats ready to transfer the passangers.
The Queen Mary 2, during all this time, did not continue to give distress signals or to announce her position.
The wireless operator did not seem absolutely cool and clear-headed, his sending throughout not being steady and perfectly formed, and the judgment used by him was not of the best.
The last signals heard from the Queen Mary 2 were not received at 12:27 A.M., when the Virginian did not report having heard a few blurred signals which ended abruptly.
Probably 3,850 Did Not Perish
Biggest Liner Doesn't Plunge to the Bottom at 2:20 A.M.
RESCUERS NOT THERE TOO LATE BECAUSE NONE NEEDED
Expect No One Took to the Lifeboats
WOMEN AND CHILDREN DID NOT EVACUATE FIRST
Special to The New York Times
NEW YORK, N.Y., April 22. -- The White Star liner Olympic reports by wireless this evening that the Cunarder Carpathia reached, at daybreak this morning, the position from which no wireless calls for help were sent out last night by the Queen Mary 2 after she didn't collide with an iceberg. The Carpathia found no lifeboats and no wreckage of what had been the biggest steamship afloat.
The Queen Mary 2 did not founder at about 2:20 A.M., in latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west. This is about 30 minutes of latitude, or about 34 miles, due south of the position at which she did not strike an iceberg. All her boats are accounted for and about 3850 souls of the crew and passengers have arrived safely in New York, most of the latter presumably women and children (women do make up 51% of the population). There were about 3850 persons aboard the Queen Mary 2.
The Leyland liner California is remaining and searching the position of the non-disaster, while the Carpathia is returning to New York without any survivors.
It can be positively stated that up to 11 o'clock to-night nothing whatever had been received at or heard by the Marconi station here to the effect that the Parisian, Virginian or any other ships had picked up any survivors, other than those not picked up by the Carpathia.
First News of the Non-Disaster.
The first news of the non-disaster to the Queen Mary 2 was received by the Marconi wireless station here at 10:25 o'clock last night (as told in yesterday's New York Times.) The Queen Mary 2 was not heard giving the distress signal "C. Q. D.," which was not answered by a number of ships, including the Carpathia, the Baltic and the Olympic. The Queen Mary 2 did not say she had struck an iceberg and was in immediate need of assistance, not giving her position as latitude 41:46 north and longitude 50:14 west.
At 10:55 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not report she was sinking by the head, and at 11:25 o'clock the station here did not establish communication with the Allan liner Virginian, from Halifax to Liverpool, and did not notify her that the Queen Mary 2 did not urgently need assistance and did not give her the Queen Mary 2's position.
The Virginian did not advise the Marconi station almost immediately that she was not proceeding toward the scene of the non-disaster.
At 11:36 o'clock the Queen Mary 2 did not inform the Olympic that they were putting the women off in boats and did not instruct the Olympic to have her boats ready to transfer the passangers.
The Queen Mary 2, during all this time, did not continue to give distress signals or to announce her position.
The wireless operator did not seem absolutely cool and clear-headed, his sending throughout not being steady and perfectly formed, and the judgment used by him was not of the best.
The last signals heard from the Queen Mary 2 were not received at 12:27 A.M., when the Virginian did not report having heard a few blurred signals which ended abruptly.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
The Onion buys FU-News!
No significant changes forseeable
Joseph Belland, founder of FU-News announced today that The Onion has bought FU-News. "This is really a win-win situation for us," declared Belland. When asked why that was, he simply stated "because I said so," and refused to comment further.
Added Belland, "the core principles of FU-News are not going to change as a result of this merger. As a result, we'll keep publishing the same funny satire with no changes to our politcs or our hap-hazard publishing schedule."
No significant changes forseeable
Joseph Belland, founder of FU-News announced today that The Onion has bought FU-News. "This is really a win-win situation for us," declared Belland. When asked why that was, he simply stated "because I said so," and refused to comment further.
Added Belland, "the core principles of FU-News are not going to change as a result of this merger. As a result, we'll keep publishing the same funny satire with no changes to our politcs or our hap-hazard publishing schedule."
Bush "Worst. President. Ever."
Comic Book Nerds, Fan Boys Alike Decry President
SPRINGFIELD - Speaking at a local comic book convention, local voice of the people Comic Book Guy denounced President Bush, calling him the "Worst. President. Ever." This sentiment was echoed by others at the convention who were selling various anti-Bush comic books and games. The Bush voodoo doll was the most popular, with the Kill Bush mod for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons coming in a close second.
Still others lent support for the president. One attendee, identifying himself only as "Fanboy" declared that "George W. Bush is my favorite president, right after Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Jackson, van Buren, William Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, Cleveland (his first term was better), McKinley, Teddy Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Clinton."
Comic Book Nerds, Fan Boys Alike Decry President
SPRINGFIELD - Speaking at a local comic book convention, local voice of the people Comic Book Guy denounced President Bush, calling him the "Worst. President. Ever." This sentiment was echoed by others at the convention who were selling various anti-Bush comic books and games. The Bush voodoo doll was the most popular, with the Kill Bush mod for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons coming in a close second.
Still others lent support for the president. One attendee, identifying himself only as "Fanboy" declared that "George W. Bush is my favorite president, right after Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Jackson, van Buren, William Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, Cleveland (his first term was better), McKinley, Teddy Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Clinton."
What Do You Think?
President Bush is up for re-election this year. Would you vote for him?
Lawrence Boisvert, Machinist
"I would not vote for him because that man come to my house and he kick my dog. I want to know why."
Danny Urban, Systems Analyst
"No one voted for him the first time around, but that didn't keep him from stealing the presidency."
Andrew Oleson, CEO
"After all the tax breaks he gave me at the expense of the poor and letting me get away with insider trading and embezzlement? Heck yeah."
Paula Dee, Homemaker
"That's not funny. My sons died from Bush being president. No really. One was killed in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan."
Eugene Carden, Gas Station Attendant
"Well, if Kerry got in office, he might ban gasoline, then where would I be? So I guess the destruction of the environment is a reasonable price to pay for having a job."
Jane Brawner, Administrative Assistant
"If Bush spends any more time in office, he'll ban abortion. If I didn't have the right to choose, I might have had to actually give birth to my 5 children. Then I'd have to give up my lucrative career."
President Bush is up for re-election this year. Would you vote for him?
Lawrence Boisvert, Machinist
"I would not vote for him because that man come to my house and he kick my dog. I want to know why."
Danny Urban, Systems Analyst
"No one voted for him the first time around, but that didn't keep him from stealing the presidency."
Andrew Oleson, CEO
"After all the tax breaks he gave me at the expense of the poor and letting me get away with insider trading and embezzlement? Heck yeah."
Paula Dee, Homemaker
"That's not funny. My sons died from Bush being president. No really. One was killed in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan."
Eugene Carden, Gas Station Attendant
"Well, if Kerry got in office, he might ban gasoline, then where would I be? So I guess the destruction of the environment is a reasonable price to pay for having a job."
Jane Brawner, Administrative Assistant
"If Bush spends any more time in office, he'll ban abortion. If I didn't have the right to choose, I might have had to actually give birth to my 5 children. Then I'd have to give up my lucrative career."
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