Why I Hate Smart People

With no apologies to Hyperbole and a Half.

Contrary to what you might have heard, I am not a smart person. In fact, I might be considered exactly the opposite of smart. That is (for you people like me) dumb. If you've ever heard me saying something smart, I was probably just quoting something I once heard some Smart Person say.

I can often remember and repeat all sorts of interesting facts and trivia, without understanding any of it. The Smart Person may as well be saying gibberish.

I really don't actually understand much of my surroundings. I'm just good at tricking people into thinking I do. This confuses a lot of people into thinking that I'm smart. You might actually call this my super power.

This is actually how I passed Theology 101 in university.

In this manner, functionally I'm not that different from a parrot.

In fact, given a couple of sperm, a parrot could probably duplicate all of my life's accomplishments.

I have managed to get through most of my life in this way, but there are certain times when the whole facade risks crashing down around me. This is where actual Smart People come in.

The situation starts innocuously enough. I will be involved in some conversation on a topic I once heard a Smart Person talk about. Inwardly, these conversations make me feel like a ten-year old at Thanksgiving dinner who gets to sit at the Grown-Ups' Table for the first time because Cousin Billy is no longer a baby, so there isn't enough room at the Kids' Table, and Uncle Bobby isn't here anyways, after what happened last year, so there's an extra seat with the grown-ups; while I'm grateful to be treated like a big boy who, for some reason, people think is mature enough to act like an adult, I'm totally lost by the conversation about philosophy,  politics, and careers whereas last year, the prevailing topic of discussion at the Kids' Table was who would win in a fight between Megatron and Cobra Commander (with the majority opinion being that Cobra Commander would, because Megatron transforms into a gun; I mean, he needs someone else just to aim him).

Trying to make myself look smart, and thus earn the respect and admiration of those around me, I will parrot what the Smart Person said.

But heaven help me if there is an actual Smart Person in the conversation.

I have two options at this point. Graciously and humbly admit that I'm not an expert on the subject matter, and defer to the Smart Person's wisdom.

Or try to continue the conversation with something smart-sounding, even though I don't understand it.

My judgment skills are not much better than my comprehension.

From here, the downward spiral continues. The Smart Person won't call me out as a total moron, but will engage me in conversation, either out of politeness, or because they want to humor me to see how far down I'll dig my hole.

At this point, I'm on the slippery slope to Crash-n-burn. There is quite simply no way I'll be able to extricate myself from the situation without outing myself as a moron.

(Extricate is a word I once heard a Smart Person use. I have no idea what it means.)

Well, there is one way.