XKBW: Belief

Catholic Humor

I made some memes!

Let the beheadings commence!

Why I Hate Smart People

With no apologies to Hyperbole and a Half.

Contrary to what you might have heard, I am not a smart person. In fact, I might be considered exactly the opposite of smart. That is (for you people like me) dumb. If you've ever heard me saying something smart, I was probably just quoting something I once heard some Smart Person say.

/Random

News in Briefs
News reported while wearing underwear.


Local Teen Arrested; Authorities Investigate Possible Sarah Palin Connection

Laguna Niguel, CA—A local teenager has been arrested for shoplifting from several stores in a Laguna Niguel shopping center. According to authorities, shopkeepers had suspected the 16-year-old male for some time, but after one store owner managed to catch the suspected thief on security camera, police were able to act to arrest the boy. According to the sheriff's office, they are also investigating a possible connection to former Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. During the recent midterm elections, Ms. Palin spoke frequently of the need to "take back" the house and her "kleptomaniacal rhetoric" may have spurred the boy to becoming a thief.


Link of the Day/Week/Month

John C. Wright’s Patented One Session Lesson in the Mechanics of Fiction

Far and away, the best introduction to fiction writing I've read.


Boring (Short) Political Rant
I'm going to try to post fewer of these and get back to my roots of humor, satire, and cat/baby pictures. I realized that all of my readers, save one, already agree with me. Of those that agree, they're all smarter than me anyways, so nothing I say will be particularly insightful. And the one dissenter will be unpersuaded by anything I have to say.


On the Repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell


Were it not for the comment from Robert J. Wizard, a frequent and usually sensible commenter on John C. Wright's journal, that it's impossible for most men to go more than a year without masturbating, I would have a rather hard time understanding the opposition to DADT. I've always known that the sexual revolutionaries think chastity is unnecessary, or even perhaps evil. But what I hadn't clued into yet was that, at least subconsciously, they actually think it's impossible. So from this perspective, a policy like DADT, where gays are admitted to the military so long as they don't indulge their disordered desires, is akin to asking them not to breathe.

Once I realized this, I saw the mentality all over, from the opposition to abstinence-only education ("they're gonna do it anyways; might as well teach them to do it safely") to the hatred towards the Church's opposition to condoms in fighting AIDS (the Church sees the choice not to be promiscuous as safer than the choice to be promiscuous, but using condoms; the revolutionaries see the choice as using or not using condoms when being promiscuous).

But of course, this is neither here nor there. Just as the gay-rights advocates never ask what the purpose of marriage is when assuming it to be a right (to me, gay marriage seems kind of like a tampon for men), they also miss the point of the military. "The military's job," as Rush Limbaugh would say, "is to kill people and break things." The only real question is will allowing openly gay people to serve in the military help or hinder that job?

Flying Mounts Blamed for Massive Roof Damage Costs

Opponents of Flight Master's License cite one more reason to cancel the program.
By Fargo Flintlocke, Stormwind Correspondent

An increasingly common site over Stormwind's Trade District

A recent study by Elwynn University has put a price tag of at least ten million gold on the cost of roof repairs to homes and businesses in the greater Stormwind area, due to damage from flying mounts. The study is being called "the last straw" by opponents of King Varian Wrynn's controversial new flight master's license program, which allows experienced adventurers to use their flying mounts within the city of Stormwind, as well as  around the rest of the Eastern Kingdoms of Azeroth. Prior to King Wrynn's decree, use of flying mounts had been limited to the shattered world of Draenor and the frozen Northrend continent.

The study, conducted over the month since the program was instituted, was released yesterday. It surveyed several dozen local businesses and homeowners, and tracked the work orders of Stormwind's five largest construction contractors.

"We all suspected that there may have been negative repercussions from allowing flying mounts over the city," Professor Philius Fizzwink, the lead researcher of the study, commented. "But I don't think anyone on my team expected such a high monetary cost in just this one area."

The study revealed that most of the damage comes from mounts—particularly larger dragon and proto-drake mounts—landing or scraping their claws across roofs, knocking tiles and shingles loose. A further contributing factor was the increase of dragon and proto-drake guano. Unlike gryphon and hippogryph feces, dragon guano has been shown to be highly caustic, corrosive and—in the case of the volcanic stone drake popular with many adventurers—flammable.

The flying mounts above the city are blamed for everything from roof damage to sewage concerns.

Damaged roofs aren't the only problem facing the residents of Stormwind. Thomas Miller, a traveling baker who spends most of his days on the streets of the Trade District, complained about the health risks posed by the droppings. "I need an umbrella," he said. "Preferably one made of Elementium."

Thomas Miller, a traveling baker, makes his rounds through the Trade District. Miller has complained about the health risks associate with mount excrement

Many of the residents and business owners have complained about the new law since its inception, citing the damage to their roofs as just one of many factors. "About time someone put a price on King Wrynn's pandering," said Bernard Gump, who along with his wife owns and operates Fragrant Flowers, a flower shop in the Trade District. "Some adventurers think they're hot stuff and pay off the king to let them fly over Stormwind. Where's that leave the little guy like me? Cleaning dragon [excrement] off me roof every other day, that's where."

Some have leveled criticism at the study, however, saying that it's still too soon after Deathwing's attack on the city to accurately distinguish costs of flying mounts. Says Professor Harrison Jones of Stormwind University, "I don't need to remind anyone of the damage caused by Deathwing's disastrous attack on the city. The fact is with the fire and debris that rained on the city after he razed the Park District, we really have no way of knowing if the roof damage was remnants from his attack or due to the increased traffic of flying mounts."

Professor Fizzwink insists his study is accurate. "We applied the best Gnomish algorithms available to separate out the costs of that deadly attack. Our equations are rock solid."

Contractors still work to repair the damage to the city's entrance caused by Deathwing's attack.

But Deathwing's attack is just another one of the factors cited by some residents for why the ban on flying mounts should be re-instituted. Orphan Matron Nightingale, the woman in charge of the Stormwind orphanage, cites psychological trauma as a prime reason against the flight master's license program, saying it's just "too soon".

"The numbers of children in my care has nearly doubled since that day [of Deathwing's attack]. Many children lost their parents in the Park District when it went up in flames. I have one little girl—her parents were visiting the druids that day—who goes into hysterics every time she sees the shadow of a dragon. I admit that even I get nervous with all the traffic above our fragile home."

But many seasoned adventurers claim Deathwing's attack as just the reason why the flight master's program is a necessity. "These are the people who defeated Lady Onyxia, who sent Ragnaros back to the elemental plane of fire, who protected Azeroth from the invasion of the Burning Legion, and who most recently drove the scourge back to Northrend before ultimately defeating the Lich King," Nevlonniel Moonbell, a Night Elf Hunter and part time stable master for the Argent Crusade, said. "We can and we will end the threat of Deathwing, but our flying mounts are critical in our effort. Being able to quickly react to threats and move about the realm quickly will be a saving grace in this fight."

Orphan Matron Nightingale worries about the psychological trauma the program may cause to the children in her care.

Nightingale protests, "I understand the adventurer's need to travel quickly, but why can't they institute a no-fly zone over Stormwind? I hear they had a similar arrangement with the wizards of Dalaran in Northrend." Northrend did indeed have a no-fly zone until it was abolished by recent convention.

Moonbell argues, "Dalaran was a small city, and floated in the air. You could easily fly under or around it. Stormwind is much too large and would require us to go miles out of the way to react to threats."

The kingdom of Stormwind began issuing flight master's licenses as part of an international treaty with Ironforge, Darnassus, the Exodar, and the kingdom of Gilneas. The licenses are available to any seasoned adventurer, but for a price. The Stormwind Flight Authority charges 250 gold per license which, in theory, is supposed to offset the costs associated. But critics complain that the financial relief from the Keep just isn't there.

"So King Wrynn promises us that he'll use the license costs to pay for the damage, right?" said Reese Langston, proprietor of the Pig and Whistle tavern in Old Town. "I've spent nearly 10,000 gold in repairs , but haven't seen a bloody copper piece from his Highness. It's probably all going to pay for vacations for his son." Langston is one of many who voiced disapproval of the several high-profile trips that Prince Anduin Wrynn has embarked upon, most recently to Ironforge, where his Highness was during the Cataclysm.

Many also cite the fact that King Wrynn has offered discounts to adventurers in good standing with the kingdom, and since any adventurer with enough experience to obtain the license, will also likely qualify for the discount. "I doubt that anyone's actually paid the advertised price," Gump speculated.

A high-ranking representative of the Keep, who asked to remain anonymous, said that, while most adventurers receive discounts, the income from the program should be more than sufficient to pay for repairs. The King has already approved more than two million gold in subsidies, he claimed, but that due to the high number of requests, it is taking much longer to process the reimbursements than expected.

Others, such as Druid of the Talon Gandelf Jenkins, wonder if there isn't a solution that would satisfy all sides. "When I'm in my Dire Crow form, I'm always respectful. I don't 'let it out' over the city, and I weigh no more than any other bird," Jenkins said. "I don't see why I should be denied the right to overfly the city because some are disrespectful. The flight master's license law actually prohibits many of the behaviors the citizens are complaining about, and makes riders responsible for damage caused by their mounts. What we need is better enforcement of the existing law, not a change or—Light forbid—a repeal of the license."

Officers of Stormwind's Royal Aerial Guard chase down an adventurer suspected of violating landing regulations.

According to Jenkins, what is really needed is more Stormwind Royal Aerial Guards, which is another program that is supposed to be funded by the license fee. But according to our contact in the Keep, the Guard is simply spread too thin to effectively enforce the skies. "We're training more and more enforcers each day," he said, "but they just aren't coming fast enough."

"So the gryphon master—the flaming Stormwind gryphon master—lets one of his gryphons nest on me roof," Gump complained. "I put in a complaint to the Guard weeks ago, but the blasted bird's still there. They won't do nothing about it."

A gryphon roosting on the roof of Fragrant Flowers. The shop's owner, Bernard Gump, says he has complained to the Stormwind Guard, but received no response.

Adding fuel to the fire is the recent revelation that Major Samuelson, one of King Wrynn's most trusted guards, was actually an agent of the Twilight's Hammer cult, working for the Old Gods. He was caught while making an attempt on the King's life—who was only saved by the quick action of his paladin-in-training son. Samuelson is only the latest infiltrator of the King's administration, a list which includes Lady Katrana Prestor—Onyxia of the black dragon flight—herself.

Samuelson, during his thwarted attempt on the King's life.

"If the king can't keep his own house clean," Gump said. "How's he expect to clean my roof?"

Too Funny Not to Link.

For you poor saps that weren't included in dad's e-mail: Dave Barry's year in review 2009.

Key quote:

In February, Congress passes, without reading it, and without actually finishing writing it, a stimulus package totaling $787 billion. The money is immediately turned over to American taxpayers so they can use it to stimulate the economy.

No! What a crazy idea THAT would be! The money is to be doled out over the next decade or so by members of Congress on projects deemed vital by members of Congress, such as constructing buildings that will be named after members of Congress. This will stimulate the economy by creating millions of jobs, according to estimates provided by the Congressional Estimating Office's Magical Estimating 8-Ball.

Catechebulary.

His Excellency Most Rev. Donald W. Trautman, bishop of Erie, has been working to prevent the implementation of the new translation of the Roman Missal. One of his concerns is over the vocabulary, and he is concerned that some of the words may be beyond the grasp of Joe Pewsitter. (What Does the Prayer Really Say has been covering the story. You can find entries here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)

Since charity demands that we assume that His Excellency must just simply be too busy to take, y'know, two minutes of a homily to explain what some of these words mean, F.U. News has taken it upon itself to help defuse the situation by defining these words and giving usage for each.

*ahem* Let us begin.

in·eff·a·ble (ĭn-ĕf'ə-bəl)

adj.

1. Clever; cunning: I tried to screw him over with legal speak, but he was ineffable and saw right through it.
2. Incapable of sexual attraction; frigid: I walked up to the hawt chick in the bar and tried to get her digits, but she was ineffable.
3. Able to be placed in the letter "F".

con·sub·stan·tial (kŏn'səb-stăn'shəl)

adj.

1. Of or relating to narcotics, particular those of an illegal nature: arrested and sent to prison for possession of consubstantial material.
2. The state of being on board a submarine with a guy named Stan.

in·car·nate (ĭn-kär'nĭt)

adj.

1. Having an intense fear of carnivals or fiestas: We wanted to go to the state fair, but Sue is incarnate.

v.

1. To be turned into an automobile: Steve was incarnated as a Ford Thundercougarfalconbird.
2. A word that the designers of the game Indigo Prophecy don't know the meaning of: the girl has a pure soul and has never been incarnated.

n.

1. My friend, Nate, who sits around in his car all day.

in·vi·o·late (ĭn-vī'ə-lĭt)

n.

1. The rage a conductor feels when the violist misses the entrance for his solo for the umpteenth consecutive time.
2. An early 19th century art movement that focused on producing artwork of reddish-blue and light purple hues.

ob·la·tion (ə-blā'shən, ō-blā'-)

n.

1. A type of mocking cheer practiced in some rural European areas that involves clapping while giving a raspberry: the peasants showed their distaste for the performer's interpretation with a standing oblation.
2. A perverse sexual act involving a woodwind.

ig·no·min·y (ĭg'nə-mĭn'ē, -mə-nē)

n.

1. The first word of the Sign of the Cross, in Latin: Ignominy Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.
2. A shameful display of lawn ornaments, esp. one involving lots of gnomes.
3. A very small fire: After hours of rubbing twigs together, all I had to show for it was an ignominy.

adj. -ious

1. The loss of a PvP battleground to a team consisting entirely of gnomes: an ignominious defeat.

pre·cur·sor (prĭ-kûr'sər, prē'kûr'sər)

n.

1. The emptiness between each blink of a cursor on a computer.
2. The letter audible immediately before the bleep in censored dialog that is only there so you know what word is being said.

suf·fuse (sə-fyūz')

v.

1. To use a consubstantial narcotic.
2. To use some poor woman who doesn't know English very well to try and get signatures to end women's suffrage. Jimmy Kimmel is an ass.

un·van·quished (ŭn-vān'kwĭsht)

adj.

1. Never having lost to an Aston Martin Vanquish in a race: After twelve races, the Ferrari was still unvanquished.

A line from the book I'm currently reading.

"The only thing known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle. He reasoned like this: you can't have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir instantaneously. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles—kingons, or possibly queons—that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expounded because, at that point, the bar closed." —Terry Pratchett, Mort