Ask A Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq

Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq

My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his --

This is Tater Salad. Send your traffic.

Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq

My 25-year-old son, "Mi ive-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged . They met in college, she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first . But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mit work every day. Then he worked, and they began having day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for when she and I were been than 10 years -- but Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm -son talk about the path Mitch seems to I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET

Papa Papa India Papa, you are coming in broken and unreadable. Say again your last. Over.

My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his live-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged, and I'm really worried. They met in college, where Mimi admits she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch took a job in another state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first she had her own apartment. But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mitch drove her to and from work every day. Then she got a job where he worked, and they began having lunch together every day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own in a state where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just can't manage to cook," so they either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my son is lean, outgoing, into sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and lethargic. She constantly complains about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. Mitch's mother was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for him in his early years when she and I were married -- we have been divorced for more than 10 years -- but never to this extent. Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery and pain-killers because she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm desperate to have a father-son talk about the path Mitch seems to be heading down, but I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET

Roger, that's a solid copy Papa Papa India Papa. Break. Standby for freq hop. Drop to TAC 2 and standby for reply. Over.

Papa Papa India Papa this is Tater Salad, radio check. Over.
Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa, radio check. Over.

Tater Salad to Birddog, this is a secure net. Take your traffic to TAC 1. Over.

This is Tater Salad, Hamhock. Send your traffic. Over.
Negative, negative. Need to send sec rep to Papa Papa India Papa on this TAC. Break.
Will be off your TAC in fife mikes.

Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa. Over.
Standby for rep. Break.

Be advised I am an unqualified JTAC. Could you supply a heading and distance to Mike India Mike India? Over.
Relay to Mike India Tango Charlie Hotel the following sit rep. Break.
Size One Obese Enemy in the open. Break.
Activity none. Break.
Location your couch in front of your Tango Victor. Break.
Unit soon to be ex girlfriend. Break.
Time niner mikes from my mark. Break.
Equipment fork and knife. Break.

Standby for fire mission. Break.
Mission designator jibbletsngravy. Break.
With fully loaded boot. Break.
0 mils to front door. Break.
Enemy arse in the open. Break.
Fire for effect. Over.

Will standby for sit rep. Over.

AND NOW!
Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3. Is this thing working? Oh, Okay. Hello all from the Euphrates river. Can't tell you where on it or anything cause supposedly I'm a top secret item. Its probably cause I'm so darned dangerous. I just thought its neat that I'm next to the "fertal crescent" and it looks anything but fertal. In fact its more likely that life might spring forth from me than it will from the ground here. Why this has been the most fought over plot of land in the world only adds awe to the depths of man's ignorance.

In case you are curious what I do here, I kill people and break things. Its my job. To be more specific, I've been designated the "Broken Arrow" Marine who in the event that our lone outpost on the edge of the galaxy is overrun will detonate the large 500lbs. nuclear device strapped to my back. That'll learn 'em.

I'm trying to take pictures of historical sites for you to see. Before I blow them up. Mother, remember how you were uneasy with me and matches? I just carried 20lbs of C4 explosives yesterday. How does that make you feel?

Camp is fun. We play games. The counselors are sometimes mean to me though. If it stops raining they say we'll fly kites.

My back is sore, my feet are sore and I'm gettin about 4 hours of sleep at the current rate. But beyond that, I'm actually pretty good. And Don Rumsfeld has fit us out with plenty of armor. Seriously. I need to get some sleep so I can be wide awake on post soon (3 hrs) so I'll leave you with the following

Anywho, if anyone wants to send me cool stuff here are some thoughts

1) Coordinate with other people you think might send me sumthin soz I don't end up with 10 tons of babywipes and nuthin else. Please?

2) Things I need are
-white socks (longer than ankle length but not up to the knees either) -sun tan lotion 48+ SPF
-a disposable camera every so often
-an envelope large enough to ship the camera back in
-scrap metal to up armor our humvees (just kidding)
-lysol spray
-deoderant gel stick
-AA and AAA batteries (AA more so)
-bug spray and raid (for flying bugs)
-1 roll of duct tape a months maybe
-qtips
-chap stick
-baby wipes
-toothpaste, actually those things that you can put on your finger to brush your teeth with and then dispose of (little blue things?) would be better

3) Items I want and 1-time items
-A drawing sketch pad book thingy. Something I can draw in. And some pencils (no not the artsy fartsy type. Just a couple number 2s)
-ANything Rush Limbaugh. I already have "The way things ought to be". SO please send me any other books, etc.
-1 hot pot (you know the kind that plugs into the wall and heats up your ramen noodles)
-ramen noodles (bet you didn't see that comin)
-PICTURES! Pictures of anything you are doing as long as you are not in the middle east! I don't care if its a picture of dad reading the paper on the john! ANYTHING!
-Jerky (I guess pork items aren't allowed to be mailed? Try turkey,deer,jackelope jerky to be safe)
-cookies, chips, power bars
-easy mac(aroni and cheese. There. Happy, mom?). I NEED this stuff. Please
-Winchester® 30-120 x 60 mm Spotting Kit at www.sportsmansguide.com. This could actually save my life

That about wrapps it up for the mooch list. Call my lovely assistant Ileana at 740 424 0238 for a mailing address and stuff. I miss you all and I can't wait for you to buy me things. I mean I can't wait to see you all again. Love, Cpl "the human shield" Adams

Supreme Court Denies Death Penalty for Minors Aged 40 Weeks to 18 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, in a 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court decided that the death penalty was unconstitutional for children of approximately 40 weeks of age until their 18th birthday.

Citing international consensus, the majority opinion stated that the death penalty as applied to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years violated the 8th Amendment's prohibition of "cruel and unusual" punishments. The opinion goes on to state that "the overwhelming weight of international opinion requires that the US forbid the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, since we want to be exactly like other countries. We recognize that the normal method of amending the Constitution from its original meaning would be to get a 2/3rds majority of Congress, and 3/4ths of the state legislatures to approve a change, but that takes too long. Instead, we are just stating that the new meaning of the 8th Amendment prohibits the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, to bring the US in line with Europe."

15 years ago, the Supreme Court upheld the death penalty for minors below 40 weeks and above 16 years. The Supreme Courts latest decision does not expressly reverse their previous opinion, but just recognizes that "the constitution, as a living, breathing document (read: means whatever the hell we want it to) has changed in the last 15 years to become more European."

In other news, Florida Circuit Court Judge George Greer has allowed the death penalty for middle-aged women with brain damage who have not been convicted by any jury.

Bill Would Hold Auto Manufacturers Accountable for Drivers' Actions

Washington, D.C. - A bill before the U.S. House of Representatives would hold the manufacturers and sellers of automobiles liable for any driving infractions committed or accidents caused by the drivers of their cars.

Supporters of the bill, like Will Henson of the Washington Police Department say that people who get into cars and see the speedometer goes to 120 mph are inclined to test it to see if the car can really go that fast.

"If you drive a car over and over again, you become desensitized to speed and you eventually come to think that it's OK to drive really fast and break traffic laws," says Henson. He argues that putting powerful engines with more than 60hp in cars only encourages people to use that power and commit crimes. "Auto manufacturers need to be held accountable for the flagrant way in which they allow people to easily break laws with their products."

Opponents of the bill argue that the whole thing is utter nonsense. Louis McMurray, of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association said "the whole idea is ridiculous. It's almost as stupid as, say, holding video game manufacturers responsible if kids commit crimes."

EA To Stop Publishing Games
Will Siphon Money Directly From Gamers' Pockets Instead.

REDWOOD CITY, CA - In the wake of their exclusive partnerships with the NFL, AFL, and ESPN, EA has announced that they will stop publishing sports games entirely, and instead will simply siphon money directly out of the pockets of potential customers.

According to the press release, all retailers that sell video games will have vacuum pumps installed at the doors. Anyone who enters the store and, therefore, may potentially buy a game from EA will have to allow store employees to siphon any money, credit cards, or spare change from their pockets or purses.

Larry Probst, EA CEO, said they came up with the idea during a brainstorming session for ideas for the next year's Madden game. "We realized, that with those infidels at Konami thoroughly crushed and unable to write any professional football games, or even publish under the 'ESPN' brand name they had previously been using, we didn't need to make a whole lot of improvements to the Madden line of football games. Simply updating the rosters with the players for the next season would be enough to get people to shell out the $50, since where else are they going to buy a football game now?" Probst continued that "eventually we realized that even updating the roster seemed like a lot of work. That's when we decided on the siphoning option."

Probst said they expect gamers not to notice any difference. "We've only been making a half-assed attempts at writing good games since acquiring licensing rights for Lord of the Rings, James Bond, Star Wars, and other major properties. You get to the point when you realize people will just send you money simply because there's a box on the shelf that has a pretty picture and some words they like on it. You tend to lose all motivation to try at that point."

EA announced that, while they would not be writing games, the potential customers would be forced to watch several hours of unskipable company logo animations while their pockets are siphoned. "We'll start with the EA logo, move to the company that might have developed the game, if we cared, then move on to the retail distributor, the logo for the employee who is siphoning your pockets, then throw in a bunch of random ones, just to take up time. Y'know, for old times sake."

When asked if there were any other genres that EA was going to stop trying to make good games in, Probst responded "we had plans to slack off in Massively Multiplayer Online games, but we realized Sony beat us to it."

Crisis in the Men's Room - Day 16
UN Deploys Peacekeepers

NEWPORT BEACH, CA - The UN has deployed peacekeeping forces to the 11th floor Men's Room at the MacArthur Court office complex in response to the rioting and civil revolt that has erupted there.

The trouble began on January 31st, when users of the Men's Room noticed that the soap dispenser on one of the sinks was empty. According to witnesses, authorities were notified, but no action was taken to remedy the situation. Within a week, the tension had escalated to outright hostility as gunfire erupted through the halls. 5 people were reported killed or seriously injured in the initial fighting, most of them from the Regus staff, the company that sub-leases the offices on the 11th floor.

The second week of the crisis was marked by sporadic gun battles and fighting in the hallways, as rebel soap fighters organized into resistance cells. On February 10th, they even staged a raid on the Women's Room to try and obtain some of their soap, but they were beaten back by a joint Regus/Irvine Company coalition. So far 82 people have been killed and hundreds more injured in the chaos and anarchy following the breakdown of Regus' rule of the floor.

The Regus company claims that the Soap Insurgents are little more than terrorists who have slaughtered innocent office workers and taken hostages and threatened to kill them if their demands for soap in the men's room aren't met. Meanwhile the "Simple Officeworkers' Army of Payback" or SOAP, as they are calling themselves, claim that they are just freedom fighters, trying to claim what is theirs by divine right: soap in the Men's Room.

It is unclear why the soap dispenser was allowed to run dry, and why the custodial staff did nothing to replace the soap. What is clear is that no one is willing to accept responsibility for the incident that has brought on the rebellion. Neat 'N' Tidy cleaning company, the custodial company hired by the Irvine Company to clean the MacArthur Court office complex, claims that they have not received sufficient funding to supply soap to the men's room from Regus and accused Regus officials of embezzling the money. Regus, by contrast claims that they have given Neat 'N' Tidy more than enough funding, but the janitor's have been smuggling the soap out to sell on the black market. With soap prices soaring to almost $50 a barrel, there has been a large increase in demand for low-cost, black market soap.

It is hoped that the UN peacekeepers will be able to quell the bloodshed temporarily while diplomats can negotiate a settlement between the warring factions and allow for a US airdrop of soap.

--Further bulletins as events warrant--

Idiot of the Day/Week/Month

Haven't had one of these in a while.
http://www.shutdownthis.com/

I'm having trouble counting the number of logical fallicies, bad arguments, or improbable generalizations in that one paragraph. I can see about 7 at first glance.