Fire Fighters Rescue Child From Burning Building
Called "Despicable Act" by Atty. George Felos

TAMPA, FL - Local Firefighters entered a burning building to rescue a 5-year-old boy that had been trapped when a section of the roof collapsed, Friday morning. Fire Chief Jim Bravura told reporters that the boy was in stable condition at the hospital, where he was being treated for minor burns and smoke inhalation.

The fire started around 3am, due to causes under investigation. A smoke alarm alerted the boys parents, who evacuated the house immediately. They used a neighboor's phone to call 911 to report the fire. Shortly thereafter, the mother realized her son was still inside the house. The parents were unable to re-enter the house, as the front door had been blocked by burning debris.

The Tampa Bay fire department arrived on the scene, and learning from the parents that the boy was still inside, four members of the department entered the house to rescue the boy. They emerged a few minutes later with the boy, who was unconscious and unable to breathe. Fortunately, a fire department EMT was able to succesfully perform CPR and revive the boy.

George Felos, attorney for Michael Schiavo, called the fire department's actions "despicable". "To think that your child or loved-one could be at home in bed, and a fireman can break down a door, forcing his way in, and drag your loved one out against their will is absolutely shocking and the lowest, just the lowest type of strong-arming," Felos was quoted as saying.

Felos continued, "The boy had made it clear that he did not wish to live without his favorite toy, which had been destroyed in the fire. It is disgusting that these firemen broke their way into a family's home, which is their private space and should not be intruded on by any government entity, and dragged the boy out, against his obvious wishes."

"What is most heinous," continued Felos, "is that not one of those firefighters would ever, ever submit their own family members to the indignity and illegalities shown on this poor boy, yet for their own gain as 'community heros' they can do it to him."

Ask A Marine On Post For Too Long In Iraq

Dear Marine On Post for Too Long In Iraq
I'm 19, and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since we got settled in our new home, he has invited his friends over on a daily basis. It's not just one or two, Marine On Post for Too Long In Iraq; he has six to nine people stopping by every day to hang out, watch movies and even eat dinner with us.
I have tried expressing to him that I'd like to be asked before these people are invited. He'll comply occasionally, but most of the time I come home and find three people lounging in our living room like they own the place. His response when I get upset is, "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?"
There are nights when I want to come home, put my feet up, and read a book in peace and quiet, or better yet, spend time just with him. How can I communicate this without making him defensive? -- CROWDED OUT IN MINNESOTA

Huh? Yeah. No, go on I was listening. I agree. Uh, I mean, uh, it doesn't matter that much to me. I guess I could go either way. Uh... Hey did you here that noise? No?... Oh, I'm gona go make a head call.

Ask A Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq

Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq

My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his --

This is Tater Salad. Send your traffic.

Dear Marine On the Radio for Too Long In Iraq

My 25-year-old son, "Mi ive-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged . They met in college, she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first . But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mit work every day. Then he worked, and they began having day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for when she and I were been than 10 years -- but Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm -son talk about the path Mitch seems to I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET

Papa Papa India Papa, you are coming in broken and unreadable. Say again your last. Over.

My 25-year-old son, "Mitch," and his live-in girlfriend, "Mimi," just became engaged, and I'm really worried. They met in college, where Mimi admits she went to "get her MRS."
When Mitch took a job in another state and started working on his graduate degree, Mimi tagged along. At first she had her own apartment. But since she "couldn't afford" a car, Mitch drove her to and from work every day. Then she got a job where he worked, and they began having lunch together every day to the exclusion of co-workers.
Two years later, Mimi still has no car of her own in a state where cars are a necessity. In addition, she's "just so tired" after her "long" 7 1/2-hour day that she "just can't manage to cook," so they either go out or Mitch does the cooking, too.
Tater Salad, my son is lean, outgoing, into sports and martial arts. Mimi is obese and lethargic. She constantly complains about her aches and pains and other people. She has no hobbies and spends every night watching television.
I'm afraid this is somehow my fault. Mitch's mother was "high maintenance." I modeled caretaking for him in his early years when she and I were married -- we have been divorced for more than 10 years -- but never to this extent. Now Mimi has announced she needs surgery and pain-killers because she's got a bad back, and "exercise doesn't work." (How could it? She'd have to actually move!)
I'm desperate to have a father-son talk about the path Mitch seems to be heading down, but I also know I risk alienating him, maybe permanently. Should I keep my mouth shut, or what? -- PANICKED POP IN PAWTUCKET

Roger, that's a solid copy Papa Papa India Papa. Break. Standby for freq hop. Drop to TAC 2 and standby for reply. Over.

Papa Papa India Papa this is Tater Salad, radio check. Over.
Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa, radio check. Over.

Tater Salad to Birddog, this is a secure net. Take your traffic to TAC 1. Over.

This is Tater Salad, Hamhock. Send your traffic. Over.
Negative, negative. Need to send sec rep to Papa Papa India Papa on this TAC. Break.
Will be off your TAC in fife mikes.

Tater Salad to Papa Papa India Papa. Over.
Standby for rep. Break.

Be advised I am an unqualified JTAC. Could you supply a heading and distance to Mike India Mike India? Over.
Relay to Mike India Tango Charlie Hotel the following sit rep. Break.
Size One Obese Enemy in the open. Break.
Activity none. Break.
Location your couch in front of your Tango Victor. Break.
Unit soon to be ex girlfriend. Break.
Time niner mikes from my mark. Break.
Equipment fork and knife. Break.

Standby for fire mission. Break.
Mission designator jibbletsngravy. Break.
With fully loaded boot. Break.
0 mils to front door. Break.
Enemy arse in the open. Break.
Fire for effect. Over.

Will standby for sit rep. Over.

AND NOW!
Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3. Is this thing working? Oh, Okay. Hello all from the Euphrates river. Can't tell you where on it or anything cause supposedly I'm a top secret item. Its probably cause I'm so darned dangerous. I just thought its neat that I'm next to the "fertal crescent" and it looks anything but fertal. In fact its more likely that life might spring forth from me than it will from the ground here. Why this has been the most fought over plot of land in the world only adds awe to the depths of man's ignorance.

In case you are curious what I do here, I kill people and break things. Its my job. To be more specific, I've been designated the "Broken Arrow" Marine who in the event that our lone outpost on the edge of the galaxy is overrun will detonate the large 500lbs. nuclear device strapped to my back. That'll learn 'em.

I'm trying to take pictures of historical sites for you to see. Before I blow them up. Mother, remember how you were uneasy with me and matches? I just carried 20lbs of C4 explosives yesterday. How does that make you feel?

Camp is fun. We play games. The counselors are sometimes mean to me though. If it stops raining they say we'll fly kites.

My back is sore, my feet are sore and I'm gettin about 4 hours of sleep at the current rate. But beyond that, I'm actually pretty good. And Don Rumsfeld has fit us out with plenty of armor. Seriously. I need to get some sleep so I can be wide awake on post soon (3 hrs) so I'll leave you with the following

Anywho, if anyone wants to send me cool stuff here are some thoughts

1) Coordinate with other people you think might send me sumthin soz I don't end up with 10 tons of babywipes and nuthin else. Please?

2) Things I need are
-white socks (longer than ankle length but not up to the knees either) -sun tan lotion 48+ SPF
-a disposable camera every so often
-an envelope large enough to ship the camera back in
-scrap metal to up armor our humvees (just kidding)
-lysol spray
-deoderant gel stick
-AA and AAA batteries (AA more so)
-bug spray and raid (for flying bugs)
-1 roll of duct tape a months maybe
-qtips
-chap stick
-baby wipes
-toothpaste, actually those things that you can put on your finger to brush your teeth with and then dispose of (little blue things?) would be better

3) Items I want and 1-time items
-A drawing sketch pad book thingy. Something I can draw in. And some pencils (no not the artsy fartsy type. Just a couple number 2s)
-ANything Rush Limbaugh. I already have "The way things ought to be". SO please send me any other books, etc.
-1 hot pot (you know the kind that plugs into the wall and heats up your ramen noodles)
-ramen noodles (bet you didn't see that comin)
-PICTURES! Pictures of anything you are doing as long as you are not in the middle east! I don't care if its a picture of dad reading the paper on the john! ANYTHING!
-Jerky (I guess pork items aren't allowed to be mailed? Try turkey,deer,jackelope jerky to be safe)
-cookies, chips, power bars
-easy mac(aroni and cheese. There. Happy, mom?). I NEED this stuff. Please
-Winchester® 30-120 x 60 mm Spotting Kit at www.sportsmansguide.com. This could actually save my life

That about wrapps it up for the mooch list. Call my lovely assistant Ileana at 740 424 0238 for a mailing address and stuff. I miss you all and I can't wait for you to buy me things. I mean I can't wait to see you all again. Love, Cpl "the human shield" Adams

Supreme Court Denies Death Penalty for Minors Aged 40 Weeks to 18 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, in a 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court decided that the death penalty was unconstitutional for children of approximately 40 weeks of age until their 18th birthday.

Citing international consensus, the majority opinion stated that the death penalty as applied to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years violated the 8th Amendment's prohibition of "cruel and unusual" punishments. The opinion goes on to state that "the overwhelming weight of international opinion requires that the US forbid the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, since we want to be exactly like other countries. We recognize that the normal method of amending the Constitution from its original meaning would be to get a 2/3rds majority of Congress, and 3/4ths of the state legislatures to approve a change, but that takes too long. Instead, we are just stating that the new meaning of the 8th Amendment prohibits the death penalty to minors aged 40 weeks to 18 years, to bring the US in line with Europe."

15 years ago, the Supreme Court upheld the death penalty for minors below 40 weeks and above 16 years. The Supreme Courts latest decision does not expressly reverse their previous opinion, but just recognizes that "the constitution, as a living, breathing document (read: means whatever the hell we want it to) has changed in the last 15 years to become more European."

In other news, Florida Circuit Court Judge George Greer has allowed the death penalty for middle-aged women with brain damage who have not been convicted by any jury.

Bill Would Hold Auto Manufacturers Accountable for Drivers' Actions

Washington, D.C. - A bill before the U.S. House of Representatives would hold the manufacturers and sellers of automobiles liable for any driving infractions committed or accidents caused by the drivers of their cars.

Supporters of the bill, like Will Henson of the Washington Police Department say that people who get into cars and see the speedometer goes to 120 mph are inclined to test it to see if the car can really go that fast.

"If you drive a car over and over again, you become desensitized to speed and you eventually come to think that it's OK to drive really fast and break traffic laws," says Henson. He argues that putting powerful engines with more than 60hp in cars only encourages people to use that power and commit crimes. "Auto manufacturers need to be held accountable for the flagrant way in which they allow people to easily break laws with their products."

Opponents of the bill argue that the whole thing is utter nonsense. Louis McMurray, of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association said "the whole idea is ridiculous. It's almost as stupid as, say, holding video game manufacturers responsible if kids commit crimes."

EA To Stop Publishing Games
Will Siphon Money Directly From Gamers' Pockets Instead.

REDWOOD CITY, CA - In the wake of their exclusive partnerships with the NFL, AFL, and ESPN, EA has announced that they will stop publishing sports games entirely, and instead will simply siphon money directly out of the pockets of potential customers.

According to the press release, all retailers that sell video games will have vacuum pumps installed at the doors. Anyone who enters the store and, therefore, may potentially buy a game from EA will have to allow store employees to siphon any money, credit cards, or spare change from their pockets or purses.

Larry Probst, EA CEO, said they came up with the idea during a brainstorming session for ideas for the next year's Madden game. "We realized, that with those infidels at Konami thoroughly crushed and unable to write any professional football games, or even publish under the 'ESPN' brand name they had previously been using, we didn't need to make a whole lot of improvements to the Madden line of football games. Simply updating the rosters with the players for the next season would be enough to get people to shell out the $50, since where else are they going to buy a football game now?" Probst continued that "eventually we realized that even updating the roster seemed like a lot of work. That's when we decided on the siphoning option."

Probst said they expect gamers not to notice any difference. "We've only been making a half-assed attempts at writing good games since acquiring licensing rights for Lord of the Rings, James Bond, Star Wars, and other major properties. You get to the point when you realize people will just send you money simply because there's a box on the shelf that has a pretty picture and some words they like on it. You tend to lose all motivation to try at that point."

EA announced that, while they would not be writing games, the potential customers would be forced to watch several hours of unskipable company logo animations while their pockets are siphoned. "We'll start with the EA logo, move to the company that might have developed the game, if we cared, then move on to the retail distributor, the logo for the employee who is siphoning your pockets, then throw in a bunch of random ones, just to take up time. Y'know, for old times sake."

When asked if there were any other genres that EA was going to stop trying to make good games in, Probst responded "we had plans to slack off in Massively Multiplayer Online games, but we realized Sony beat us to it."