Rules for posting on FU-News.

I've been putting this off for long enough, but certain recent events have forced my hand. As such, I need to lay down some ground rules for posting comments to FU-News.

Now, some sites, such as the GUComics Forums have very clear and strict rules for what is allowed. These rules are intended to promote civility and rationale discussion. They are supposed to provide a fun, safe, and happy environment for all to share their thoughts.

This is the complete opposite of what I want on FU-News. The Internet can be used for many things (don't click that link; trust me on this one), but one of them is not rational discourse. If I wanted well thought out, researched, and intelligent writing, I'd read the Walt Street Journal or National Review. The fact that I am on the Internet necessarily implies that I have abandoned all my reason and am thinking only with my emotions. This is a required trait in all Internet discussions.

So remember, comments should be offensive, opinionated, arrogant, unintelligent, and above all, entertaining. But if you've got the first four, the fifth is sure to follow.

So here are the 16 rules for posting on FU-News:

1) Remember, your opinions are objective fact. Period. Never begin a sentance with "I think" or "I believe". Whatever you say is absolute truth and everyone should know it. Also, everyone else agrees with you.

Ex.
Incorrect: "IMHO, Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie."
Correct: "Evry1 nos taht ESB pwnz an is wai better tahn GL's ohter crap"

2) Never, ever, ever back up a statement with fact or research. The very fact that you are stating it necessarily implies that it is true.

Ex.
Incorrect: "Popular opinion indicates otherwise. The Phantom Menace had the highest world-wide gross of any of the Star Wars movies."
Correct: "Tahts totly rong. evry1 knos TPM is teh roxorz"

3)
a) Do not rebut the person's argument. Instead, point out to them how stupid they are. Remember, if they disagree with you, they don't just have a different opinion, they aren't just plain wrong. They are stupid for not being able to see the truth that is so blindingly obvious to everyone except them. They may get upset when you let them know that they are stupid, but how else are they going to learn if no one tells them?

Ex.
Incorrect: "I have to respectfully disagree with you on that topic. Despite what the box office says, the human tragedy is so much greater in Revenge of the Sith."
Correct: "OMFG how coud u be so ghey and stoopid? 3very1 knos taht ROTS is teh best"

b) Do not rebut the person's argument. Instead, pick one small irrelevant part of their point and go to great lengths to disprove that, despite the fact it has no bearing on their argument.

Ex.
Incorrect: "Actually, adjusted for inflation, A New Hope has the highest gross. It sold more tickets than any of the others."
Correct: "r u fing gay? their r aleins in star wars. u cant say 'human tragedy' cuz there r aliesn"

c) K's First Tactic: Instead of rebutting a person's argument, wonder aloud why they can't seem to understand why you are right and they are wrong. Question their mental capacity.

Ex.
K: "There can't be any space outside the boundaries of the known universe, because if there was, it would expand infinitely because the force of the vacuum is greater than the force of gravity."
Joe: "I don't think that's necessarily the case. A vacuum doesn't exert force, so the acceleration of expansion would be determined by whether the force of gravity pulling things in is greater than the force of pressure pushing things out."
K: "I don't understand why you can't see that I'm right."

d) K's Second Tactic: Instead of rebutting a person's argument, tell the person that it's OK for them to just admit they're wrong and they agree with you. After all, they're only keeping up the pretense of arguing to save face.

Ex.
K: "If someone robs your house, you should turn yourself in to the police and go to jail for the person."
Joe: "What? How does that serve justice or help the robber repent?"
K: "Well, you should suffer for the persons sins and take them away for them. Doesn't that sound familiar?"
Joe: *astonished stare*
K: "I know you agree with me. Just admit that I'm right

e) K's Third Tactic/Ed's corrolary: Instead of rebutting a person's argument, play the trump card. Play it. Find some difference between you and your opponent that makes him inelligible to debate you. Possibilities include age, experience, and mental capacity.

Ex.
K: "Harry Potter is evil and will send you to hell."
Paul: "Erm, I don't think that's true."
K: "You can't really argue this with me because I'm older and have seen the evil that things such as the card game Magic have done in people's lives."
-----
Joe: "I'm opposed to the seat belt law because I believe the purpose of government is to protect people from foreign threats and to protect people from each other and seat belt laws fall into neither category."
Ed: "Don't even bother making that point, Joe. I'm a Political Science major. There's no way you could win a political debate with me."

4) If you haven't figured it out from the previous 5 rules, DO NOT REBUT THE PERSON'S ARGUMENT! To do so only lends credibility to their point. You should not even need to address their argument because it is beneath you and any sane person can see they are obviously wrong. Be sure to point this out to them.

Ex.
Incorrect: "Well, let me go point by point through your arguments to show what's wrong with them."
Correct: "WTFOMGBBQ is rong wtih u. u must be stoopid or crazy or gay to disagree wtih me. ne1 can see im rite."

5) If a person uses an analogy to make a point, be sure to point out the implausibility of the analogy. Do not under any circumstances question if the analogy is accurate to the point being made.

Ex.
Poster: "Well, you don't see the Department of Transportation defending themselves by saying they never issued a license to the book's antagonist."
Incorrect: "Well, that's different. The book doesn't attack the DOT."
Correct: "OMFG ur so stupid. teh dot dos'nt issue drivers lisences. state dmvs do."

6) Tom's Tactic: Keep posting until everyone agrees with you. If you've already posted 100 times to make your point, and someone still doesn't admit you're right, explain yourself again. Giving up is a sign of weakness.

Tom: "We should allow unlimited immigration."
Poster 1: "Not necessarily."
Tom: "We should still allow unlimited immigration."
Poster 2: "I don't agree."
Tom: "It's important that we allow unlimited immigration."
(sorry, Tom =p)

7) Never, ever, ever, admit you're wrong. Do not concede even the smallest point. Deny the very fabric of space and time if you must.

Ex.
Argument: "And that's why, if that were true, then the universe could not exist."
Incorrect: "Well, I'll grant you that point, but my original argument still stands."
Correct: "well obvously teh univers dosn't exist tehn."

8) Dave's Gambit: If something you've said earlier contradicts what you're saying now, deny that you ever said it in the first place. Even if they have it on tape-recorder, or have a sworn testimony from several eye witnesses.

Ex.
Dave: "The X-Wings used Photon torpedoes to destroy the Death Star."
Joe: "No they didn't. They used Proton Torpedoes. Photon torpedoes are from Star Trek. Here, sign and date this document stating your claim."
--6 months later--
Red Leader: "Proton torpedoes away."
Joe: "See, I told you they use Proton torpedoes."
Dave: "I never said they didn't."
Joe: "Yes you did. Here, I have a signed and dated document indicating such."
Dave: "That's obviously a forged signature."
(sorry Dave. =p In his defense, he never did sign the document, which was written on the back of a Far Side cartoon.)

9) All arguments should be about matters of opinion, or about easily proven and verified fact, or best of all, inconsequential things that don't matter (Joe's Method).

Ex.
Incorrect: "And that's why winning the war in Iraq is important to the global war on terrorism."
Correct: "HL2 is soooo better tahn Halo 2. xbox sux"

Incorrect: "Look, here. It says right here in the Encyclopedia Brittanica that Columbus discovered America in 1492."
Correct: "gay fool. evry1 knos cloumbus freed the indinas frum slavery in 1863"

Joe: "I told you they use proton torpedoes in Star Wars, but nooo you insisted they use Photon torpedoes."
Everyone else: "Who in freaking heck CARES?!"

10) Derailing topics is a must. There should be no more than two comments on the post's original topic. Everything else should be off topic. If searching for a way to derail a topic, bring up one of these debates:
Apple vs. PC vs. Linux
Star Trek vs. Star Wars (vs. Babylon 5 vs. Battlestar Galactica vs. insert Sci-Fi of choice)

Ex.
Incorrect: "Wow! What a fine and exquisite piece on your inability to watch a movie in the correct order."
Correct: "u sux man. neways, if u used a mac u woodn't hav taht problum"

11) Flame early and flame often. In particular, remember to criticize someone's race, religion, creed, gender, disability, and (I cannot stress this one enough) sexual preference. Even if you have no idea what ethnicity they are, attribute one to them and insult it. Also, the word "gay" or "ghey" should be used as often as possible, in reference to someone who disagrees with you.

Ex.
Incorrect: "Getting back to the topic of which Star Wars movie is our favorite...."
Correct: "OMFG, u gay jew. u must be a gay def womon cuz only there taht gay and dum. ps ur gay."

12) Trolling, or saying things specifically to inflame other people, even if you don't mean them, is required.

Ex.
Incorrect: "Yes, back to the topic at hand. Being a helicoper fan, I love the Clone Trooper Gunships from AOTC."
Correct: "teh bible is fiction n gay people are dum."

13) Always, always leave Caps lock on.

Ex.
Incorrect: "Personally, I like Return of the Jedi the best, mainly for the space battle at the end."
Correct: "EVRY1 WHO IS NOT GHEY NOWS TAHT ROTJ IS BEST."

14) Spell checkers are for sissies. You are far too busy or too important to have time to proofread your posts for spelling and grammar errors.

Corrolary 1: "The" is spelled T-E-H.

Corrolary 2, Mom's Woe: Periods, shmeriods. Punctuation is not allowed.

Ex.
Incorrect: "And that concludes my 10-page, proofread, well thought-out comparison of the six Star Wars chapters."
Correct: "hu sed taht ep1 is best taht persun is ghey and teh dummest person hu evar livd"

15) Criticize spelling and grammar as often as possible. The fact that someone cannot properly spell "pneumonoultramicroscopicsiliconevolcanocaneosis" casts serious doubt on their education, intellect, and ability to engage in rational conversation.

Ex.
Incorrect: "I completely understand why your post was written that way. I know we all tend to write hastily, and this can be particularly bad if you have a keyboard that does not always function properly."
Correct: "lol u gay n00b. u cna't even spel 'teh' correctelly"

16) Despite all the above, harsh swear words will get your post deleted. I will accept mild swear words, such as "damn" and "hell". You might even get away with "bitch", if you are talking about the members of the American Kennel Club, and if I'm in a good mood. Other than that, no swearing. Swear words from Firefly are allowed. Bonus points if you use the Mandarin Chinese swear words from Firefly.

Ex.
Correct: "Did you watch the damn dog show? It was a hell of a good show. Some bitch won. She was a pretty Golden Retriever."
Correct + bonus points: "Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh, are you ruttin' stupid you Gorram ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng?"