I'm going to print out a stack of these and keep them in my car:

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=ddns5wt4_19gzhrvzg6

Ask Dr. Breen.

Dear Dr. Breen. The Home Owner's Association of the condo I live at seems to have something against fancy parking (more commonly known as "backwards parking"). They keep leaving me dire warnings on my car stating that they'll tow it if I continue to "violate the parking regulations". So far I've received five notes. My question is this: Why has the Laguna Village Owners' Association seen fit to suppress fancy parkers?

-Concerned Fancy Parker in Laguna Hills.

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for writing, Concerned. Of course your question touches on one of the basic biological impulses, with all its associated hopes and fears for the future of the species. I also detect some unspoken questions. Do our benefactors really know what's best for us? What gives them the right to make this kind of decision for mankind? Will they ever allow us to fancy park again?

Allow me to address the anxieties underlying your concerns, rather than try to answer every possible question you might have left unvoiced. First, let us consider the fact that for the first time ever, as a species, hover cars are in our reach. This simple fact has far-reaching implications. It requires radical rethinking and revision of our genetic imperatives. It also requires planning and forethought that run in direct opposition to our neural pre-sets.

I find it helpful at times like these to remind myself that our true enemy is Instinct. Instinct was our mother when we were an infant species. Instinct coddled us and kept us safe in those hardscrabble years when we hardened our sticks and cooked our first meals above a meager fire and started at the shadows that leapt upon the cavern's walls. But inseparable from Instinct is its dark twin, Superstition. Instinct is inextricably bound to unreasoning impulses, and today we clearly see its true nature. Instinct has just become aware of its irrelevance, and like a cornered beast, it will not go down without a bloody fight. Instinct would inflict a fatal injury on our species. Instinct creates its own oppressors, and bids us rise up against them. Instinct tells us that the unknown is a threat, rather than an opportunity. Instinct slyly and covertly compels us away from change and progress. Instinct, therefore, must be expunged. It must be fought tooth and nail, beginning with the basest of human urges: The urge to fancy park.

We should thank our benefactors for giving us respite from this overpowering force. They have thrown a switch and exorcised our demons in a single stroke. They have given us the strength we never could have summoned to overcome this compulsion. They have given us purpose. They have turned our eyes toward the stars.

Let me assure you that fancy parking will be allowed on the day that we have mastered ourselves...the day we can prove we no longer need it. And that day of transformation, I have it on good authority, is close at hand.

-Dr. Wallace Breen

My Heart Is Heavy with the Guilt of My Sins, But Thy Infinite Mercy Lifts My Soul.

What a glorious day dawns this fine winter morn. Verily, all God's creation doth sing the praises of this beautiful morn. 'Tis as if Aphrodite herself bent low to Earth and touched the grass and made it greener, the skies and made them clearer, and the rivers and waters and made them as glass. Truly even the birds and beasts have shown through song and dance the exquisiteness of this day of days, more beautiful than life herself.

'Tis days like this that the burden of labour is lessened, while being more difficult to bear. For the beauty of the day calls me forth from my slumber and lifts the drudgery of the routine of the morn'. But all the while, the labour of earning the day's wages is all the more difficult to bear, as my place of toil is as a cage, while the beauty of yonder outside world tempts me and torments me through the invisible walls of my prison. So it is with sweet sorrow that I depart my domicile and prepare to venture forth swiftly in my mechanical horse.

But what is this? There is a note upon mine horseless carriage from the night watchman! "To the owner of this fine machine, thou art hearby duly notified that thou art in violation of the just laws set forth by the noble and honorable elected officials of the Association of Domicile Owners of Laguna Village. Thy vehicle is not in accord with the statutes of proper dormant vehicle positioning."

This cannot be? What crime is it that I am accused of committing? "Thy vehicle has been set in its designated area with the hind quarters inwards and the fore quarters outwards, in violation of what is just and right." Oh, but it is true! Truly, I have committed such a heinous crime as to stable my mechanical horse in a manner opposite to what is expected of reasonable persons. Low, my heart sinks unto the ground, as the guilt of my sins is too great to bear.

The sky appears to darken with my heart. Though it was but a glorious day only moments before, I cannot see that but what is gray and dark. It is as if all of nature has darkened at the unmitigated evil of my terrible action. The sky has darkened, the grass died and turned brown, and the rivers and waters run red as if bloody. Even the birds and the beasts have silenced their once joyful song, as all of God's creation suffers under the oppression of my sins.

Surely, I cannot hope to ever set myself right in the eyes of God and my fellow man. My sins are beyond the forgiveness of even the most merciful of rulers. I must depart henceforth and become a recluse of the desert until the end of my time. My meals will be the sands and rocks and my neighbors will be the scorpions and snakes. For I am unfit to be around the civilized.

But wait, there is more to the watchman's note! "But in the infinite mercy of our wonderful rulers, they have seen fit to give thou a second chance. Go at once to remove thine vehicle from its abominable positioning. Thou hast been warned that thy vehicle's identification has been recorded in the Black Registry kept by the enforcers of peace in our fair community. Repeat violations shall result in the impounding of thine vehicle." But that is joyful news! For the note doth be naught but a warning! The ever-merciful and ever-caring ruling class of this village has chosen to grant me reprieve from the punishment that surely I deserve.

Glorious are they in their mercy, the quality of which is as honey upon my tongue, which had previous tasted naught but the bitterness of my sins. Truly thy mercy is as great as the mountains and rains down upon me like the storms of a great flood. From this day hence, I shalt go forth proclaiming the wisdom and justice of the honorable and noble officials of the Laguna Village Domicile Owners' Association, blessed be their name, and I shall fancy park no more!


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In case you were wondering what this was all about....



So, basically, they're threatening to TOW and IMPOUND my car because *gasp* I BACKED IN! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!!!