Welcome to Alexandria 17

To encourage love of the environment, all civilian recycling will be tracked via monitoring chips. The city administrator believes citizens will find these tracking chips even less invasive than the rectal implants tested on the population last year.

Alexandria's benevolent administrator addresses its peaceful citizens.

We hope you enjoy your stay in the People's Republic of Alexandria 17. Should you have any issues, the friendly Overwatch officers will assist you without mercy or hesitation.

A friendly Alexandria policeman officers his assistance.

Next week, we will discuss the numerous benefits of Alexandria 17's suppression field.

Ask Dr. Breen.

Dear Dr. Breen,

The Congregation of the Sacraments and Divine Worship has stated that "No priest, deacon, acolyte, or extraordinary minister of Holy Communion may refuse a communicant Communion on the tongue." This has been reinforced by the Pope and the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

My question is this: why has Our Lady of Perpetual Help parish in Bakersfield, CA, seen fit to deny me Communion on the tongue?

-A Concerned Communicant

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for writing, Concerned. Of course your question touches on one of the basic sacramental impulses, with all its associated hopes and fears for the future of the Universal Church on Earth. I also detect some unspoken questions. Does Our Lady of Perpetual Help parish really know what's best for us? What gives them the right to make this kind of decision for the communicant? Will they ever allow us to receive Communion on the tongue again?

Allow me to address the anxieties underlying your concerns, rather than try to answer every possible question you might have left unvoiced. First, let us consider the fact that for the first time ever, as a species, radical liturgical changes are in our reach. This simple fact has far-reaching implications. It requires radical rethinking and revision of our sacramental imperatives. It also requires planning and forethought that run in direct opposition to our liturgical pre-sets.

I find it helpful at times like these to remind myself that our true enemy is Doctrine. Doctrine was our mother when we were an infant Church. Doctrine coddled us and kept us safe in those hardscrabble years when we formed our beliefs and saw our first martyrs roast in a meager fire and started painting icons upon the catacomb walls. But inseparable from Doctrine is its dark twin, Orthodoxy. Doctrine is inextricably bound to unreasoning impulses, and today we clearly see its true nature. Doctrine has just become aware of its irrelevance, and like a cornered beast, it will not go down without a bloody fight. Doctrine would inflict a fatal injury on our Church. Doctrine creates its own oppressors, and bids us rise up against them. Doctrine tells us that the unknown is a threat, rather than an opportunity. Doctrine slyly and covertly compels us away from change and progress. Doctrine, therefore, must be expunged. It must be fought tooth and nail, beginning with the basest of sacramental urges: The urge to receive Communion on the tongue.

We should thank Our Lady of Perpetual Help parish for giving us respite from this overpowering force. They have given a command and exorcised our demons in a single stroke. They have given us the strength we never could have summoned to overcome this compulsion. They have given us purpose. They have turned our eyes toward the stars.

Let me assure you that Communion on the tongue will be allowed on the day that we have mastered ourselves...the day we can prove we no longer need it. And that day of transformation, I have it on good authority, is close at hand.

-Dr. Wallace Breen

The Orange Box.
Valve's latest release gets Reviewinated.

Now that I've played through all the Orange Box games and spent at least an hour with each class inTF2, I can use the Reviewinator™ to let you know what to think.

Review for Half-Life 2: Episode 2
Overall rating: 9.71
Content summary:
Everyone's favorite mute theoretical physicist with a surprising aptitude for firearms. (weight 5): 10
Everyone's favorite scientist's daughter with funky hair and a surprising aptitude for firearms. (weight 5): 10
Everyone's favorite giant mechanical "dog" with... OMFG DID YOU JUST SEE HIM TEAR THAT STRIDER APART?! (weight 5): 10
Immersion (weight 5): 10
One more piece of the Free Man story. (weight 5): 10
Most awesome epic climactic ending action sequence, involving you, striders, giant sticky bombs, and a gravity gun. (weight 5): 10
Sense that, in the end, it plays just like HL2 and Episode 1 without breaking any new ground or doing anything particularly innovative, which is okay because HL2 and Episode 1 were awesome and more of an awesome thing is still awesome, but it would still be nice to see them innovate on what's already a terrific formula. (weight 5): 8

Review for Team Fortress 2
Overall rating: 9.08
Content summary:
"Oh, they're gonna have to glue you back together. IN HELL!" I.e., gibs galore. (weight 5): 10
"I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule, boy." I.e. sitting back and playing guitar while your gun turret racks up the kills. (weight 5): 10
"AH-HAHAHAHA! CRY SOME MORE, BABIES!" I.e., mowing down waves of enemies with a gatling gun. (weight 5): 10
"All I can tell you about this next procedure is that it will be EXCRUTIATING!" I.e., putting an uberheal on a Heavy and tagging along as he mows down the opposition. (weight 5): 10
"Mumblemumblemumble." I.e., LIGHTING EVERYONE ON FIRE! AH-HAHAHA! (weight 5): 10
"Your heads a freakin' bat magnet." I.e., running up behind the other guy and clubbing him to near-death before he turns and one-shots you because the scout is the worst. class. ever. (weight 5): 5
"Thanks for standin' still, mate!" I.e., getting 12 headshots and 3 dominations in a row. Also, BOOM, HEADSHOT! (weight 5): 10
"If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!" I.e., gibs raining from the skies after you clear out the engineer, his turret, the sniper, the Heavy, and the medic healing the heavy with a few well-placed rockets. (weight 5): 10
"Ugh, I got blood on my suit." I.e., getting the enemy medic to heal you to full health, then backstabbing him. Hehe, sucker. (weight 5): 10
Um, more than 6 maps would be nice. (weight 3): 5
The fact that, in the end, it is still a multi-player-only game and that means *sigh* playing with other people. (weight 1): 5
(Go here for audio clips of most of the taunts.)
(Go here for important tactical information on how to play. Brought to you by the deranged minds of Penny Arcade, which, as always, comes with a strong language warning.)

Review for Portal
Overall rating: 10.00
Content summary:
Deranged, bipolar, passive-aggressive psychotic computer. Which is hilarious. (weight 5): 10
Cake (weight 5): 10
The cake is a lie! (weight 5): 10
Aw, aren't you the cutest little gun turret that's ever tried to smear my guts across the wall. (weight 5): 10
I less-than-three weighted companion cube! (weight 5): 10
Catchiest. Song. Ever. (weight 5): 10
Oh yeah. The portal gun, intriguing puzzles, and all that. (weight 5): 10
It's only three hours long, at best, but strangely, that does not diminish the game in the slightest (weight 0): 5

By the way, check out my new favorite reviewer's review of the Orange Box (language warning).

Ask Dr. Breen.

Dear Dr. Breen. The Home Owner's Association of the condo I live at seems to have something against fancy parking (more commonly known as "backwards parking"). They keep leaving me dire warnings on my car stating that they'll tow it if I continue to "violate the parking regulations". So far I've received five notes. My question is this: Why has the Laguna Village Owners' Association seen fit to suppress fancy parkers?

-Concerned Fancy Parker in Laguna Hills.

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for writing, Concerned. Of course your question touches on one of the basic biological impulses, with all its associated hopes and fears for the future of the species. I also detect some unspoken questions. Do our benefactors really know what's best for us? What gives them the right to make this kind of decision for mankind? Will they ever allow us to fancy park again?

Allow me to address the anxieties underlying your concerns, rather than try to answer every possible question you might have left unvoiced. First, let us consider the fact that for the first time ever, as a species, hover cars are in our reach. This simple fact has far-reaching implications. It requires radical rethinking and revision of our genetic imperatives. It also requires planning and forethought that run in direct opposition to our neural pre-sets.

I find it helpful at times like these to remind myself that our true enemy is Instinct. Instinct was our mother when we were an infant species. Instinct coddled us and kept us safe in those hardscrabble years when we hardened our sticks and cooked our first meals above a meager fire and started at the shadows that leapt upon the cavern's walls. But inseparable from Instinct is its dark twin, Superstition. Instinct is inextricably bound to unreasoning impulses, and today we clearly see its true nature. Instinct has just become aware of its irrelevance, and like a cornered beast, it will not go down without a bloody fight. Instinct would inflict a fatal injury on our species. Instinct creates its own oppressors, and bids us rise up against them. Instinct tells us that the unknown is a threat, rather than an opportunity. Instinct slyly and covertly compels us away from change and progress. Instinct, therefore, must be expunged. It must be fought tooth and nail, beginning with the basest of human urges: The urge to fancy park.

We should thank our benefactors for giving us respite from this overpowering force. They have thrown a switch and exorcised our demons in a single stroke. They have given us the strength we never could have summoned to overcome this compulsion. They have given us purpose. They have turned our eyes toward the stars.

Let me assure you that fancy parking will be allowed on the day that we have mastered ourselves...the day we can prove we no longer need it. And that day of transformation, I have it on good authority, is close at hand.

-Dr. Wallace Breen