Apparently, I'm not the only one.
First, here is a recent post to the BBspot blog. The relevant part starts in the fourth paragraph. I found that very interesting when I read it, partially because I have the same problem, and partially because it's a common geek stereo type that is actually true in many cases (introversion).
It also reminded me of a blog posting by Mike "John Gabriel" Krahulik, the artist of Penny Arcade, in which he described his paralyzing anxiety (I'm too lazy to find the link; get it yourself). The solution given to him was anti-anxiety medication. The problem was he was too anxious about the medcine to take it, and delayed doing so for months.
Anyways, the gist of all this is that it inspired me to post this article that I wrote last March, but never posted:
::Begin Transmission::
Why do I have a fear of phones?
Ok, so I'm sitting here at my desk at work. I need to call my dentist to confirm my appointment, and to respond to the message they left me. There's just one problem: that word call.
For some reason, it would be easier for me to walk down to the parking lot, get in my car, and drive the three miles to my dentist so I could walk in the front door and ask the receptionist, face to face, what they needed to speak with me about.
I don't know why this is, but I have a fear of telephones. I have had it for a number of years, although I don't remember since when. I can remember not having it (when I was a small child), but the carefree days of my youth are long gone. Since I don't know why, I'll just go ahead and blame it on Dave and indulge a 15-year-old grudge, wherein Dave criticized me for saying "what?" a lot when I was talking to our baseball coach (who had a thick Spanish accent that was hard enough for me to understand in person) on the phone. "Don't say 'what', say 'pardon'," he said (That's when Dave was in his "criticism" phase). That probably has nothing to do with the real reason, but it's good enough for me.
This, of course, ends up being a problem when one of my primary job functions involves talking to people through the ominous onyx object sitting beside the monitor on my desk. I can handle it well enough when someone is calling me. Even though it's unpleasant, I just take a deep breath an buck up the courage. But when I have to call someone else, I tend to freeze up. If a client calls and leaves me a message, I normally check our database to see if we have his e-mail address. If we do, I will almost invariably reply via e-mail, even though this could be construed as poor customer support (a telephone message deserves a telephone reply, after all).
When it comes to my home phone, I very frequently don't answer it, if I don't want to (which is all the time). One time (at band camp) Christine called while I was eating dinner and, logically, I didn't answer it. She later called to chew me out for not taking her call (The Murloc told her I was home). Also, when The Murloc got home, she also chewed me out for not taking the call. (Me: "I was eating dinner." Murloc: "But what if it was me, calling in an emergency." Me (a day later, because of my wonderful debate skills, which allow me to think up the utterly perfect, logical, and irrefutable retort the next day): "That's why I was listening for the answering machine.") That exchange actually inspired this blog post.
The Internet, for me, is a godsend. The sheer volume of information I can get from it without having to talk to anyone is wonderful. I can shut myself out of the world and still operate. I don't know what I would have done, had I been born 15 years earlier. And, oddly enough, if the Internet fails me, I'll usually just go without the information rather than ask a person what I want to know.
There was a Pearls Before Swine comic strip from a few years ago, where Rat is making a list of the best improvements in technology. His list was something like "Fax machines, so I don't have to talk to people at the post office. ATMs, so I don't have to talk to bank tellers...." Goat pointed out how anti-social he was being and Rat made some brilliant witty retort which I have since forgotten (just try to imagine it; you'll really laugh). I realized (again, some time after reading the strip), that Rat was describing my perfect world. One where I interact only with machines, never with people.
I'm not sure why I prefer machine interaction so heavily to people-interaction (I have been known to wait in line at the ticket machine at movie theaters, even when there's no line for the box office). I usually tell myself that it's because I know the machine doesn't judge me. It won't laugh at me or look at me like I'm stupid if I make a mistake. It just happily trudges along, doing exactly what it's told. There's something reassuring in that predictability. People are an Unkown. You don't know, when walking up to a stranger, if they're going to be nice or rude. I always have to be on my guard.
Maybe this is why virtually all of my social interaction is through a computer. Most of my current friends were made from the safety of the big glowing box. Sure, there are still the risks of people laughing at me, but at least those people never see me. I can hide behind the anonymity (crudity warning) of the Internet. Now I've met a number of my friends from the game in real life, and yes, I do get anxious when meeting them for reals. Oddly, I'm perfectly comfortable interacting with them in a game, but when we have a get-together? Oh noes!
It's also interesting to note that I play as an antisocialite too. I avoid groups with people I don't know whenever possible. In quests where you have to kill a unique named mob, and someone else is waiting to kill it, I would rather wait for them to kill it, let the mob respawn, then kill it myself, instead of asking the person for a group. If Nev is in a group with me, and wants me to invite someone in the area to our group, I will almost always pass group control to her, so she can invite them.
It's interesting to note that I make friends in game as the same way as in real life. That is, through someone else. I think it was my senior year in college, where I counted how many friends I had at school that I had made independently (without an introduction from someone else). I think the number I arrived at was 2. Yep, that's right. Two. Of all the dozens of friends (many of whom were close) I did meet, only two were me going up to that person and saying "hi". (Of course, Tom was one, and he introduced me to most of my other good friends at school.) Now The Murloc has that role. All of the friends I have now were made through her. I suppose this might be how most people operate, making most of their friends through another friend, but I'll bet, though, if you graphed what percentage of a person's friends were made independently versus the extroversion of that person, what you would get would be a perfect correlation between introversion/extroversion and percentage of independent friends.
"But Joe," I hear you saying. "You don't seem the anxious type. You're always such fun to be around and are always the life of the party." I then hear you fall apart, laughing, because you just can't say that last part with a straight face. It's true, though. One thing I've learned while being an introvert is how not to act like an introvert. Sure, I can put on a fake smile and pretend to enjoy myself when at an event with people I hardly know. I've become quite good at it. But deep down, the urge to just run never really goes away.
I'd better stop here before I gradually shift onto another topic again. I could keep this up for pages, talking about my insecurities. I guess it's important to remember I am (at least I think I am) a normal, well-adjusted person. And as much as I always feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, I never actually have had one, so I must be stronger than I give myself credit for. (But if I'm acknowledging that, how can it be more than I give credit for?) Either that, or I'm just a big whiner, complaining about how much I hate social interaction, but without a real psychological phobia to back it up.
Anyways, I think I've accomplished the goal of this post, which was to find a way to delay calling my dentist for another couple hours.
::End transmission::
I realized since writing this, that there are several other ways me telephonophobia has affected me. One is that I rely on the Murloc significantly to take care of things for me. Some examples: my car is overdue for an oil change because I need her to make an appointment to take it in for me; after The Roommate moved out, we continued to pay for cable service for three TVs for about six months because I couldn't call Cox to ask them to discontinue one of the lines, and needed her to do it for me; one of the reasons that I'm wearing glasses which are 8+ years old, and several powers to weak, is that I can't find an optometrist (not that I'm looking and can't find any; I can't bring myself to look). I don't rely on her to do these things for me because I'm lazy; I rely on her because I would honestly rather pay for an extra cable box, drive on squeaky brakes, and squint at my computer all day than talk to someone on the phone.
You probably inherited it from your father. He (I) pretends deafness & makes his wife do the telephone calls. If people don't have email, they don't exist.
ReplyDeleteYou probably inherited it from your mother. She dislikes making phone calls and avoids it as long as possible.
ReplyDeleteA few things helped me overcome the extreme self-consciousness that I had when I was young, which made it hard for me to feel comfortable with people, much less to make friends. One was that I realized that occasionally I did indeed do or say stupid things, but so did everybody else, so I wasn't that much more stupid that everybody else, and my stupid things did not usually cause the end of the world.
Another was realizing that almost nobody was paying attention to me, even when I did stupid things; they were mostly thinking about themselves, and worrying about whether anybody noticed when THEY did stupid things.
The most helpful thing, though, was that I realized that I had no control over what other people thought of me, if they thought of me at all, and that some of them were going to think I was stupid no matter what I did. That meant that I didn't have to worry about what other people thought of me, since it really had very little to do with what I was or did. That was tremendously liberating for me.
And the last, best thing I learned was really to see other people as individuals who are precious to God, and to be concerned about them, rather than to focus on myself and what I was feeling. I have found that every person is interesting and unique. Every person I meet has weaknesses, fears, and anxieties; each one also has virtues, strengths, and loves. We are all pretty much in the same boat. I believe God wants me to treat others with charity and to try to leave them feeling a little more cheerful than when I encountered them. When I try to do that, I have little anxiety about meeting new people. (But I still dislike making phone calls.)
One minor thing: it's perfectly all right to make friends mostly through other friends. In Jane Austen's time (about 200 years ago), it was considered rude to try to make friends with someone to whom you had not been introduced by a mutual acquaintance.
One other point. I dislike making phone calls, but less than Dad B does, probably because women tend to be more social than men. So I will often do the calling because it's a little easier for me. There are other things that Dad B hates less than I do, so he does those things (like paying the bills, or hiring workmen). That's one of the lovely things about marriage -- each can help compensate for the other's weaknesses.
I agree with Mom/Grandma B: Every person I meet has weaknesses, fears, and anxieties. I pounce on them as soon as they show weekness, like smiling. Dwight Shrute for Vice President!
ReplyDeleteI too am spineless, which is I think the point we are all trying to make here.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand interacting with salesmen when I have to make a purchase. I don't haggle. I absolutely hate it. I like walking into a place, seeing the price, and if I don't like the price, I leave. I don't like haggling or being swayed by a salesman. The only thing I like at a store is asking "Where can I find X?" or "Will this do Y?" Beyond that, I hate interacting with people about a sale. I much prefer the internet when shopping for something I want.
The next thing I hate is being told to research a purchase. I get this paranoia that I'll find what I think I need only to be told I got it for too much and that everyone and their mom knows a cheaper place to get it. I of course would love to reply that "Well you should have bought it then", but no one seems to enjoy being told the truth. So instead I spend inordinate amounts of time looking up prices for something I know little about when in the end it was probably more cost effective to get the expensive one I found at the beginning just because my time is more valuable.
I also hate making returns or fighting over fees. I too easily understand the business perspective and too often think "well they can't treat me special", or "of course since it is out of the box they can't give me full price back since it would cost them..." blah blah blah. Ileana loves arguing to get our money back for things, so I let her (or at least she prefers it over not having money more than I do).
Finally I hate being given the trust and confidence to do something only to get told how to do it. If I wanted to know how, I'd ask, otherwise please stop telling me how you know how to do it better or just do it yourself. This especially applies to driving. I'm not kidding. If you think my driving is bad, just ask me to pull over and we'll switch, but please stop telling me to get off the sidewalk. If I'm driving on the sidewalk, I already know that I am and I probably have a reason. Yes I know, this attitude has already got me in a lot of trouble driving Humvees, but I didn't ask to drive the damned thing anyway. Drive it yourself if you don't want to hit a mine.
And finally, I hate talking to customers over tech support or basically anyone who could make my life miserable if I say "Shut up. Talking too much. I just need you to read me what is in the message box". I'm generally not that harsh, especially since my coworkers don't seems to mind when I cut them off and ask for what I need. On the other hand customers are touchy and feel the need to tell me about everything going on in their lives except what is on the computer. I hate that.
Joe, you know what's a great cure for that not meeting anyone you are not introduced to by a mutual friend? Being dropped into a platoon of 92 strangers and having a common enemy in your Drill Instructors. You'll get so close to strangers, you'll be sharing your deodorant in the first day.
hey, I did too finallys. Amazing.
ReplyDeleteand I can't spell two (or the plural of finally).
ReplyDeleteI have absolutely no problem making business phone calls. So much so that my phon-o-phobe friends ask me to write scripts for them when they make calls.
ReplyDeletePersonal calls, on the other hand? I'd rather be "dropped into a platoon of 92 strangers and having a common enemy in your Drill Instructors" I make Steven make those calls. Or just email. Email is a wonderful thing.
Having called the Belland household for many years, my experience has shown me that the vast majority of the time, I am going to get an answering machine.
ReplyDeleteSo much so, that I am surprised whenever I got a human voice and I was unsure on how to react to speaking to a non-machine.
When I got "married", Liz and I got a phone but we didn't get an answering machine. We felt that if we didn't want to answer the phone when the caller called, why would we want to expend effort to find out who called and further effort to call them back.
Besides, anyone worth while would call my cell phone or email me.
Since then, we have disconnected our home phone line since we never answered it or made phone calls with it.
I just noticed last week, after having the phone disconnected for nearly 1.5 years that my phone was still plugged in and charging.
It was very relieving to unplug it and throw it away.
I had/have crippling social anxiety and was put on various medications that basically made me a manic mess. It basically compromised my ability to maintain self control. It didn't help me because instead of being afraid of interacting with people, I was afraid of interacting with people in ways I would regret later. And of course, I left many friends by the wayside in those days.
ReplyDeleteThe more idiotic things I did, the more I crawled into my hole and the worse it got. I started to get better finally when I stopped taking the stuff and started facing it head on and realizing that everyone wasn't watching my every move.
I guess I realize that I have more of a fear in lack of structure. I used to be late for school pretty much every day in elementary up to college simply because that free unstructured time leading up to class often was where I was picked on at stuff... as I got older, my employment suffered because I feared lack of structure and shot for the last minute arrival to be on time but not too early that I'd end up talking to someone (gasp!) So, the plan backfired because I would often would get stuck in traffic and be late... you can only be late so many times.
I couldn't approach "that girl" I wanted to ask out because I didn't have a plan of action and the more I formulated the "plan", the more I would realize that she could do X and I wouldn't be prepared for it. Then I'd realize when it was too late because she was probably not who I thought she was (and I let her off the hook - Dennis Green alert!) Of course, I got myself in more trouble for writing my thoughts out... more comfortable for me but more awkward for them...
So I know how you all feel. Still have issues. If it wasn't for the wife pursuing me and convincing me that I wasn't damaged goods and staying with me even though there were times I tested her loyalty... I don't know where I'd be. Probably living alone in an apartment somewhere in small town usa eeking out a meager anonymous existence.
The wife comes in handy. I can go just about anywhere as long as she is with me as my security blanket. At least I can trust her... or maybe when I bring Dylan with me because he takes all the attention away from me.
Jeff